"Because you people are oh-so-sensitive about your own pain whereas the pain of others mean nothing to you.

But you know, other people get hurt too, just like you do."

-K2

✈️| N O W- 2018 |✈️

"Ano'ng nangyari? Nasaan ka?"

I shouldn't be glad but I can't help but feel happy because of the alarm and concern in Seth's voice. It's been so long since I've heard that from him.

"Andy?"

I swallowed another batch of tears and gulped before answering. "Ayos lang ako. Nasa apartment na 'ko."

"Ba't ka umiiyak? May nangyari ba? Akin na ang adres mo."

It was tempting to exaggerate my feelings and blow the loneliness I feel out of proportion but that would be manipulative. He'd once called me that and I don't want a repeat.

"Sorry, Seth. Ayos lang ako."

"Andy..."

"Promise, walang nangyari."

"Ba't ka umiiyak?"

"I... I miss you."

✈️

Hindi na ako nakinig sa tour guide namin papunta sa DMZ o demilitarized zone. Hindi pa rin mawala sa isip ko ang paguusap namin ni Seth nang nakalipas na gabi.

"I miss you."

Shit. What did I just say?

"I mean, I wish may kasama ako sa tour. 'Yun lang ang ibig kong sabihin. Sorry," paliwanag ko.

Kung may natitira pa siyang nararamdaman sakin, ito na ang pagkakataon para sabihin niya rin sakin na nami-miss niya rin ako. Pero kung wala na talaga, at walang katuturan ang pagpunta ko rito sa South Korea, malamang hindi na siya magpapakita sa Sabado dahil sa inamin ko.

"I miss you too..."

'Yun ang sabi niya kagabi. Sabi niya miss niya rin ako. Pero halata naman na napilitan lang siyang tumugon. I mean, don't get me wrong. Hindi ko sinasabi na pinahalata niya 'yun pero... hindi ko maitatanggi na may pagaalinlangan eh.

Hay Andy! Tanga ka pa rin talaga!

The tour guide's a decorated military guy who told us they were required to give tours but I wasn't quite clear if he was in earnest or a paid actor. THe DMZ tour is actually quite cool and mighty interesting. It delved into Korean culture and history that has interested me before (I read a couple of biographies about North Korean defectors).

Imjingak Park, Freedom Bridge (across which almost 13,000 Korean POWs walked to freedom), the 3rd Infiltration Tunnel, the DMZ exhibition theater, and the Dora Observatory (where you can see an North Korean community through some binoculars) were all extremely interesting especially when you have a thing for history.

Because the path leading down to the tunnels that tourists are allowed to explore are quite smooth, I didn't realize we had actually gone down a long way. I only felt the exhaustion when we were starting to head back up. Pakiramdam ko ang layo-layo na ng inakyat namin pero hindi pa rin kami nakakarating sa taas. Siyempre, wala naman akong kasama kaya wala rin akong mahingan ng tulong. Patigil-tigil na lang ako para makapagpahinga.

Pagdating namin sa labas ay naupo ako sa sobrang pagod. I felt so light-headed and the urge to vomit was pretty strong. Buti na lang at may baon akong chocolate bar sa bag.

I opened my mobile to check for messages although we were told the phone reception isn't very stable at the DMZ.

Maraming mga sundalo at ang mga pasilidad ay tunay na pang military. Idagdag pa ang milya-milyang barbed wire na naghihiwalay sa South mula sa North Korea. Pero kung titingnan ay mukhang mapayapa talaga.

✈️| T H E N - 2011 |✈️

Hindi ko rin alam kung paano kami nagkausap ni Seth at naging magkaibigan muli matapos ko siyang ibasted. Siguro kasi mabait talaga siya at hindi niya naman ako pinaramdam ng pagkailang.

I feel bad for rejecting him when he has never done anything to turn me off or whatever. It was just it happened at the wrong time.Nevertheless, I kind of feel like karma came swiftly for me.
Dahil kung gaano kabilis dumating sa buhay ko si Ethan, ganun din siya na kabilis na nawala.

"Susunduin ka ba ulit ni Ethan mamaya?" tanong ni Ruby Rose habang kumakain kami ng lunch sa foodcourt ng Uy Building. Kaklase ko si Ruby na katulad ko ay AB English din habang Education students sina Mimay at Felix kaya hindi ko sila kasama."Uhhh, hindi ko ba nabanggit, hindi na kami nag-uusap?" I made it sound nonchalant but I was really hurt when Ethan started ignoring me.

"Ha? Bakit? Ano'ng nangyari?" Ruby's eyes widened at what I just said.

"Kasi... hindi ko alam."

Ang sabi ko kay Mimay at Felix, may pinag-awayan kami ni Ethan na maliit na bagay. But the simple truth that I didn't want to tell my two best friends was that Ethan simply dropped me. Out of the blue. Walang away na naganap. Walang pasabi o klarong dahilan.

It's not easy to swallow that someone you really liked wasn't even serious about you in the first place.

"Talaga? Loko 'yun ah!" inis na komento ni Ruby Rose na may kasama pang busangot na ekspresyon. Ito ang gusto ko kay Ruby; minsan may pagka-slow siya pero mabait talaga siyang kaibigan.

"Oo! Alam mo ba ang mas nakakaasar pa? May girlfriend na siya! Taga-West."

Hindi ko man sabihin ang totoong nararamdaman ko pero nasaktan talaga ako nang nalaman ko ang detalye na 'yun.

So paano, nagda-date kami habang may nililigawan pala siyang taga ibang school? Ginawa pa akong option. Tatlong beses kami na nanood ng sine at nag dinner sa labas. We even shared a brief kiss or two. So ano'ng nangyari? Ano 'yun? Laro-laro lang?

What was even more mortifying was I never considered that maybe he wasn't serious about me. Hindi ko maintindihan nang hindi na siya sumasagot sa mga text o tawag ko. Iisang school lang kami pero wala akong plano na komprontahin siya kasi baka mas lalo akong mapahiya.

'Kay, I admit it. I chose Ethan over Seth because the idea of having a trophy boyfriend appealed to me. Lahat naman siguro tayo nagdadaan sa ganiyan na stage 'di ba? Doesn't mean I'm proud of it.

I was relieved to tell Ruby Rose because I was afraid Mimay and Felix would remind me it was my own fault. The thing is, they would be right.