Although Juice hadn't  given the others much time to think about their digital message to Abigail, he was doubting his own words for days. He had written down his thoughts, but it sounded too forced, too much like some kind of speech. In the end he threw all his notes in the trashcan, put his camera on his desk and sat down on a chair. A bit awkwardly he cleared his throat after hitting the record button. 

"Hey Abby," he started, and he squeezed his lips as he heard the tremble in his voice. "I uh... I hope you made it to the end and didn't turn it off the moment you realized that I made this..." He swallowed. "I thought... that you might like to have something tangible that shows you how much you're loved by your family and your friends here. Because uh... because you're not around them during Christmas. And I just can't get rid off the feeling that it's also because of me." He folded his hands, shoving them between his knees as he leaned forward. The nerves were gnawing inside him. "I know that my feelings for you ruined our friendship. But know... know that I never wanted to hurt or humiliate you. You just... you were the only thing I could think about that night. The only thing I can think about for a few months now." He felt a blush creep to his cheeks, but he pulled through. He just wanted to let his heart speak – it was the last thing he could try. "I know that you had feelings for me too. From the start. It was never a secret between us, although you never wanted more. But that time on the roof... when we... well you know what we did... it confused me, and I think it encouraged me to send you those texts. And I know... I know I never should have send you that video." His cheeks became even hotter, and suddenly he felt thirsty. "And I'm really sorry." He took a deep breath. "I'm still in love with you. I'm still thinking about you all day long. But I never sent you another inappropriate text, which proves that I learned from my mistakes. It won't happen again, I promise. I just hope... I hope that you want to give me another chance, now almost two months have passed. Your friendship means a lot to me, Abigail. You are the only one around with whom I had such a deep connection." Tears were stinging in his eyes, and he quickly blinked them away. "I miss you. And I feel really bad about what I did and that I hurt you so much. I just wanna make things right but I don't know what else I can do."

A bit shakily, he breathed in. He hated himself for being on the verge of crying. Muttering a 'Happy Christmas', he turned off the camera and wiped his eyes. 

For a while he stared forward and concentrated on his breathing. He felt like a loser for crying over a girl, even though he knew there was much more going on. He felt lonely. He tried to fit in, but they weren't his friends. The few friends he had, he had left behind in Queens. He had cut all ties and he doubted there was anyone who would miss him. The day after tomorrow it was Christmas, but he had no family to celebrate it with. His mother wouldn't let him in and his sister... he hadn't spoken to her in years. All he had, was this biker family and he still felt like an intruder. Someone who didn't truly belong here. Someone they tolerated because they could use his computers skills, but who they didn't like at all.

A knock on the door made him panic. Fuck – he didn't want anyone to see his tears. He however couldn't act like he wasn't around; if someone had seen him enter his room they wouldn't be too happy about his disobedience. 

"Coming," he muttered. With his sleeve he wiped his eyes, hoping nobody would see the traces of the few tears that had slipped down his cheeks. 

Relief washed over him when he found Michelle on the other side of the door. "Hey. I'm leaving  but I wanted to say goodbye."

Juice nodded slowly. She would go to her parents in Florida during the Holidays. He wished she wouldn't; although their friendship wasn't anything like his friendship with Abigail, she was the closest to a friend he had right now. He however found it hard to define their relationship, since she was a croweater who was just around to please the Sons. She had been a good support, but he didn't know if she really cared about him or that it was just an act because it was part of the job. 

 "Have fun," he said when she hugged him. 

She laid a hand against his cheek and kissed his lips. "You too. Try to enjoy it, okay? You're part of this family, Juice."

He knew it wasn't true. As long as he hadn't earned his top rocker, he wasn't part of anything. 

"I'll be fine," he said, trying to convince her with a smile. "See you in a few days."

"I hope you'll feel better when I'm back. I'm sure Abigail will have received that cool present and she's gonna forgive you, I have no doubts." She stroked his cheek. "You did something really sweet for her, Juice. It even makes me a little jealous."

Her frankness made him blush. "I hope," he said softly. 

He noticed that her eyes wandered to his lips and he pulled back his head. She had kissed him on the lips before, but he wasn't ready for more. While kissing someone else, he would only compare her to Abigail. His head was already messy enough. 

"Of course she will. Have a little faith in yourself, sweetheart." She patted his chest and turned around. 

Juice waited until she had left the room, then he connected his camera to his laptop. It was time to finish the movie and send it to her. 

. . .

Since the moment he had dropped off Abigail's present at the post office, he was nervous – even when he knew that it wouldn't be delivered today. There was a big chance she wouldn't get it before the Holidays at all. He tried to distract himself by helping Gemma making appetizers in the kitchen. He wasn't a great cook, but he was organized and paid attention to what he was doing, making him a good assistent. 

Around four, the first appetizers were ready and he carried the plates to the bar and tables. The clubhouse was crowded; many family members were around. Most of them were strangers to Juice, and there was no time to introduce himself. Gemma was keeping him busy – and he was secretly grateful for that. It kept him from worrying – about what Abigail would think of the present, about whether his brothers would blame him for not buying them anything since he had lacked time, and the many other things making him doubt about himself. 

"Why don't you take a break, sweetheart," Gemma said after a while. 

The look in her eyes was worried. Was she afraid that he was heading to a breakdown? She always seemed to know what was going on in everyone's head – did she sense that his was a mess? Getting himself a beer, he walked up to the other men and tried to participate in the conversations, laughing about their jokes. 

"Look who's here," Tig suddenly said, and with a wide grin he looked at the door. "That's a hell of a Christmas present." The man whistled. 

Juice turned his head to the side. 

Black hair waving down her shoulders, a flawless skin, shining smile. A beautiful red dress, accentuating all her perfect curves. His beer slipped out of his hand, falling to pieces on the ground. 

Abigail, it was Abigail! His heart made a flip. 

And shattered into a thousand pieces when he saw that she was holding hands with a tattooed guy.