- written Tuesday Nov 16th -

Anyway lol

Starting with last Monday, I was put in a group with 3 boys in my class

And they decided to start talking about No Nut November? And how long they lasted?!! I just sat there in shock, like did they forget I was sitting right next to them?! 💀😂

I heard so much more than I wanted to hear 🥲

I just can't believe they were so open when I was right there??!!?!

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Nothing else memorable happened until Thursday :(

Thursday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time T_T My streak of days without a panic attack broke that day and it was really bad :)

Spanish was my second class of the day, and I was already dreading it because I knew we were getting specific spots in the classroom so I couldn't sit with my friends anymore (which was literally the only good thing about Spanish class because I hate it with a burning passion)

We had a substitute that day and she told us where to sit, and I sat at one end next to Blanc (luckily), and the first thing the substitute does is make us introduce ourselves in Spanish

We've literally never had any kind of presentation or oral work in front of the entire class before, so some alarms were going off in my head already but I thought whatever, it's just three short lines about myself, I'll find a way to push through and I did

Then she opens up the Spanish book and tells us that we're gonna read a part out loud each?? And obviously I think "no fucking way", and she looks at me first like she wants me to start and I just kinda shake my head (like I always do when I'm pushed too hard, and the teachers always understand), so she read it up herself instead

After she finishes reading the text to us, she writes down three more (longer, complicated) sentences for us to answer out loud in front of the class, and again, I think "no fucking way"

I was at the edge so she looked at me for me to start, so again, I shake my head at her

And she just kept looking at me, like she wanted me to continue, so I shake my head again

I think even people passing the classroom who had no idea what was going on could see how terrified I was at that moment, so how she didn't see it (or just didn't care) is beyond me

My eyes are huge at this point, I can only imagine how scared I look, I'm desperately squeezing and rubbing my hands together to stop myself from shaking or running away, and I was doing my absolute best to hold back tears

I shook my head at her THREE FUCKING TIMES before Blanc saved me and took over and answered instead

So I left the classroom and found T in the library (she left after the first round of talking) with another friend from a different class, and I sat for several minutes just taking deep, shaky breaths to try to calm myself because I was right on the edge of a panic attack

HOW INSANELY FUCKING STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO NOT REALIZE THAT I WAS NOT OK AND NO AMOUNT OF PUSHING WAS GONNA CHANGE THAT

I will never not be mad about this!!! And I will never not be mad about the fact that my problems aren't valid by the school because there's nothing physically wrong with me. You can't see my problems, therefore I have no problems

I stayed in the library for the rest of the class and ended up just having to leave during lunch break because there was absolutely no way that I could stand stepping even a little bit outside of my comfort zone that day, I was way too emotionally fragile at the time and I was so mentally exhausted (a panic attack is apparently the equivalent of running a marathon)

So I went home, had my panic attack and cried in my bed for about an hour and stayed in bed for 5 hours all together before I was able to get up and function again, and even then I still felt like shit and ended up crying again when explaining to my family why I had stayed in my room for so long

So yeah, that definitely rekindled my hatred for this stupid school system that invalidates my issues since they can't see them >:(

At least Friday was better :'> We watched a movie in history & philosophy that was basically monkporn

I honestly couldn't explain the movie if I wanted to, it was so long and boring and disturbing, AND EVERY MOVIE WE EVER WATCH AT SCHOOL ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE A SEX SCENE ALSJALJSAL

This was definitely the worst one though, the guy was a monk and the girl was poor and greasy and dirty and nasty and they literally never said a single word to each other throughout the entire movie, they just suddenly decided to fuck in a barn or something?!!?! And it was so long and painful and they showed EVERYTHING, FROM EVERY ANGLE

Why can't we just watch a cozy movie at school for once, every movie we watch always results in emotional trauma lmfao-

IM STILL RECOVERING FROM THAT STUPID ICELANDIC MOVIE FROM LAST YEAR WITH THE OLD, FAT, UGLY MEN WHO DECIDED TO PLAY SOCCER NAKED

Anywho lol, T and I went to Amalie's place after school and hung out for a while :D We decided to go to the movie's together! I don't think I had been there (other than for school) since the Aladdin live action came out in... 2019??

So we went to see the very last showing of Dune :D I suggested it since I had heard lots about people simping for the main character, especially for the pain box scene lol

The best part of the entire movie was when everyone just stood and it was a really serious and tense moment, and some dude just walked out with a bagpipe and started playing and I lost it 💀

Hannah was also gonna go see it with her friends but they couldn't anyway, so she ended up tagging along with us lol

The trailer for the second Venom movie played and Hannah started talking about how good it was (she saw it with her friends not too long ago) and kept talking about how we should've seen it

Then she checked the website and found out that it was gonna play one last time at the movie theater, so we went and saw it on Sunday :D AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT FINDS VENOM SO CUTE?!?! His relationship with Eddie is so wholesome lmao

Anywho, it was fun to do something other than just hanging and talking or partying, especially since I haven't been to the movies in soo long :D

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I hate my brain T^T

I had a headache most of the day yesterday but I'm used to headaches so it wasn't a big deal, but then it started to feel like the right side of my brain was getting stabbed and that kinda worried me because it felt like the beginning of a migraine (I got my period today so apparently I've inherited my mom's pre-period headaches ☹️☹️☹️)

I couldn't concentrate or work anymore so I ended up leaving right before the last class, which is also annoying because I literally only had one more class left and I would've been free but my head was hurting way too bad 😭

T even asked if I was ok after class and said that she could tell that I wasn't doing so well in class :'> So I felt kinda bad for seeming so depressed on her birthday :>

Oh yeah, T turned 18 yesterday so now everyone in my friend group is 18+ 🎉🎉 Now I just gotta wait for Blanc and my other friend from class to turn 18 next year XD

Amalie, T, me and another friend went for a drive yesterday since Amalie has her license now :D It was very therapeutic lol, plus it's nice to know that we're all going through similar things

Also, I can't remember if I already wrote this or not but Misty went to the vet's for another check up just to be on the safe side, and there's nothing wrong with her!! They took an x-ray scan, they checked her heart and her blood pressure and she's completely healthy!! I can't express how grateful I am that she's ok 😭😭❤️❤️

She's even put on nearly an entire kg since her checkup 3 or 4 weeks ago, so she's almost 3 kg now! XD

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Lastly, I gotta add my favorite songs atm 😏😏

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