— written Saturday October 31st —

I don't care what time it is or the fact that I have alcohol in my system, I've had something on my heart for nearly a year now and I'm gonna get it off

I've been having friend problems :)

It's no secret that I have social anxiety, and it's no secret that I'm really shy and awkward as well

After the falling out with my ex best friend, both me and T joined Amalie's friend group and we're about 10 people all together

I was really happy to be a part of it at first, we had tons of girls nights together and then we started partying together and it was fun

I've never truly felt like I've been a part of them, I never quite fit in and I never talked a lot around them, but I always thought that it was just because I'm who I am and who I am is a useless girl who will always remain silent

I can't remember exactly what we were talking about, but I was talking with Amalie and T a few weeks ago and two sentences from T changed my life. All she said was something like "a conversation goes two ways. It's not only your responsibility"

My entire perspective changed the moment she said those words

It's such basic knowledge, but after all these years of anxiety and depression and low self esteem, my brain just decided to erase that knowledge

So I've gone all these years hating myself and beating myself up over every single failed conversation or interaction, thinking that it was awkward because I'm useless and quiet and weird and that it's completely my fault, when the reality is that the responsibility to hold a conversation was never only mine to begin with

Also, becoming closer with Blanc has really opened my eyes

Sure, we were friends last year, but we didn't really connect until this school year. I've realized that we really have so much in common; we have the same interests (we sit and gush about books lol), we have the same humor (finally someone who actually sends memes back to me), and we just have the same views and thoughts about a lot of things

And I'm not quiet or weird or shy or awkward around her

I actually talk and laugh and blabber and goof around, I'm actually myself around her

And these past few months have made me realize that I much prefer just hanging out with her and T rather than the other friend group

Becoming so close with Blanc really opened my eyes, because she reminded me of how a friendship should be. She reminded me about how I should feel around friends; and that's not how I feel with the friend group

We just have absolutely nothing in common and i suck at (and hate) small talk, plus we're just so many people in our group that there's just no room for me

And I don't hate myself for not being able to be a part of the friend group anymore. I hate them for never trying

This goes two ways and I've never seen them put ever effort into making me feel like I'm a part of them, so I won't take the full blame for not being able to be a part of the group

It's even worse now that my friends are russ (where people who are graduating get drunk basically every single night in May - the russ-groups have already started getting their merch and stuff ready and because of that, T and I have been even more pushed out)

So yeah, I hate this shithole town and I hate the people in it even more and I can't wait to finally move out :( Thank god for Blanc-

This feels like a good time to mention that I think I'm becoming more narcissistic lmao

My self hatred turns into narcissism every now and then and I realize that I'm surrounded my brain dead, selfish assholes and that I'm so much better than every useless soul in this worthless town 🤦‍♀️

I had a long conversation with T and Amalie about this lmao, but seeing as I'm a person with WAY more trauma than a teenager should have, it's really easy for me to empathize with and understand others since there's not a lot of others around who understand pain like I do

Being and outsider and socially anxious has also made me a fantastic listener, and I notice every single change in people's tone or expression or body language, so I'm probably the best one around at reading people

And I forget that other people don't have that ability and I just 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ ITS SO LONELY UNDERSTANDING EVERYONE ELSE BUT HAVING NO ONE UNDERSTAND ME

AND GODDAMN IT, WITH ALL THE SHIT IVE BEEN THROUGH IN MY LIFE, I THINK I DESERVE THAT CAN UNDERSTAND ME

But yeah, if you guys were here and met some of these people, you would understand why my self hatred has somewhat converted into narcissism :)

I probably should've started off with this lol but my "friends" had a party tonight, which is why I'm not exactly sober and writing this

T didn't even show up and I can't blame her, I regret going at all

It was kinda fine at first, but no amount of alcohol in my body can make me fit in with them. They decided to go to some public party somewhere at 10 o'clock and I went with them, but I hated it so fucking much I ended up leaving (all my old classmates sat with us and they are such awful people)

So yeah, it was a shit night and I'm just so fed up with all of this

While I'm already talking, I might as well mention that I started getting help for my problems because I don't want to drag my problems into adulthood and end up transferring my problems onto my future children

I was talking with my psychologist on Thursday, and I started digging into my childhood and my family and how I pretty much had to grow up when I was 7 years old, and ever since then, I've been the adult of my family and I'm the one who has to keep everything together and be responsible for everything - which has led to me being unable to express how I feel and I'm pretty much not able to cry anymore

So I was explaining my whole family situation, and I could just tell that she was getting angry that I had to go through that and I just 😭😭 GIRL YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HALF OF WHAT IVE BEEN THROUGH 💀

Ive BARELY touched upon my family situation with her, I haven't told her anything about all the emotional scars left after Mal and that awful 2019 where I was depressed and suicidal, she doesn't know about my stupid disgusting doctor, or all the other smaller problems I've been lucky enough to have :/

I haven't even gathered up the courage to ask about suppressed memories 😭 I've written about this like 3 times already but never had the balls to actually post it but I'm a little drunk anyway so who cares

At this point it's not even a question of whether I was sexually abused as a child, the question is to what degree?

I've had really bad nightmares about it and that one nightmare seriously still haunts me. I know I've written about it before, but it's the one where I woke up to the doctor's hand around my neck and he said something in my ear which I can't for the life of me remember, but it was bad enough to make me immediately make me break down and start hysterically screaming and crying in my dream

I never had the guts to write this but I do actually have an actual memory of him. I don't think any amount of alcohol will make me write the details, and I don't think anyone would want to hear them anyway, but basically I remember laying on my stomach, holding my pink DS and screaming and crying my eyes out and then my memory just cuts off

But then I have a memory later in the day where he's carrying me down to the basement while I'm still crying (friendly reminder that I moved to Norway when I was 7 years old, meaning that this memory is probably from when I was 5 or 6)

And then I had this really scary experience a few months ago where I was able to tap into the memory and see and feel and hear everything so vividly and it was so scary - and then it was just cut off and I couldn't feel anything anymore. It felt so real for a while, and then something shut off in my brain and I wasn't able to really tap into the memory anymore and it was like a wall was put between me and my memory - which definitely makes me feel like I got a little too close to finding something in my memory that I don't want to find

I can't believe I'm even writing this, but it's the things that have been gnawing on my brain for the past few months so whatever, just needed some kalinka to get it out

Oh yeah, I also thought that I was becoming a sociopath for a while because I couldn't feel anymore, and then I realized that I was probably depressed lmao

But then Misty got sick and I was sad so I realized that I'm not a sociopath and I don't actually still feel things XD Misty's fine, I'll talk about that in another chapter tho lol

Anywho

It felt good to get all this out

I can't be bothered to re-read this at 1:30 a.m. so imma just hope that there's no typos or sentences/paragraphs that don't make sense

I'll probably regret this and delete this chapter in the morning but whatever