realizations: a vent

1.) an old friendship that no longer exists: for me to explain all of this, our friendship ended with me snapping at her. I was never clear about how I felt and well, this just went downhill and I already wrote a poem about her (virtual harassment: a vent). We talked, we sorted things out but her actions were still not justified. She had a lot of shit happen to her and her lashing out at me wasn't justified. She took her anger and aimed it at me without any hesitation whatsoever. She lied to others about me too, she read it and didn't say anything otherwise. She wanted vengeance and closure for me just not wanting to be friends with her. Nothing added up either. Nothing still adds up but we have come to a compromise. All of this has come to a close. We aren't friends, I never wanted to become her friend again...but what she did to me wasn't justified. Even now, she sees what she wants to see.

2.) a best friend of mine who keeps letting toxic people back into their life, regardless if they changed: I have a best friend who keeps letting one person back into her life regardless of how much she had her hurt. Which was a lot. From the time we became friends, she had been hurt by this girl plenty of times but still let this girl back into her life. At first, it made me mad, but I've come to terms with it. I've just come to the conclusion, if the girl hurts my best friend again, I'll just end up not liking her more. I cannot stop my best friend even if I beg for her not to let that girl back into her life. I do stand the saying "actions reveal what kind of person a person truly is." In this case, the girl is irresponsible, yes she may have her shit together now but she may fuck up again. She may have gone through shit during that time but there were better ways of handling it rather than drinking every fucking night. Every time she did that shit, she just hurt my best friend, made her worried or mad or just fucking upset. She also hurt her with some words while she was drunk. Her way of handling hard times, regardless if I don't know what she was going through, was an irresponsible way. I can't keep my friend from talking to her no matter how much I say I don't like that girl. She's given me so many valid reasons not to like her. I trust my friend though, I just hope in the end, that she doesn't get hurt again because I have a gut feeling she might...which is truly sad to say.

Small Update: Even now though, through all this shit, I really got hurt from all of this. I tried to please her by talking to the girl. I tried and within that timespan...my friend got mad at me and well– things have changed and we are no longer friends. It hurts...but I have to remember these things are apart of life.

3.) highschool: My highschool (even though I've been graduated for about 3 years now) is a touchy subject, I've written about my experience a lot and well, to summarize my high school: it is a piece of shit. Everyone is fake at my high school, they are druggies and so many people are bullied. All my highschool cares about is their football team and rarely ever puts their money into other academics such as band. They let their football players get away with everything, which resorted to me getting bullied a lot. Let's not forget every teacher had favorites and often were rude to the ones who needed a little help. Not every teacher was like that though, there were some who were a true blessing. Those that actually gave a shit about the students' health and wanted them to succeed. That was rare though. I don't miss high school either because it was full of drama and toxicity. Now that I am out of there, I have been doing so much better and my mental health has been the best it has in a while. Yes, I have relapsed here and there but I am still progressing little by little which leads me into the next topic.

4.) apps and their toxicity: I am on 2 social media platforms, FallingToAsh on iFunny. There I have over 8 thousand followers and 128 features. Over the years I have been on there, I don't really know who to trust anymore and well, the toxicity has grown a lot. At a point my mental health was at the lowest it could have been and iFunny did not help it one bit. That's also with that old friend of mine, who decided to lash out her anger. It didn't affect me though, because when she did what she did was long past due but while this happened, I was on a family vacation and it took me away from iFunny a bit. While away, I gathered myself together and well, had time to think. I'm on a family vacation right now (probably not when I post this) and I have more time away from iFunny and I've been doing better away from it. I don't know what that means for the future of my account though. I just know when it comes time to part ways with my account, I will. Now, on to wattpad, this place is amazing. I come here to write and roleplay but there is still some toxicity that lingers. It isn't a lot like iFunny but it is still there within some people, depending on who you socialize yourself with.

5.) I don't have many friends anymore, it is a slim number: I never had a lot of friends, to begin with, but now I realized something. I am almost all alone now. KB had gone down a path that I cannot follow and went dark on me, willingly. KS betrayed my trust with a little mishap that was saved by KB. I have little trust in her now. KF is literally my best friend at this point along with being my boyfriend. We always say to each other that it is us against the world. I also have my mema as my best friend too. I have CW but I never get to see them and we aren't as close as I want us to be. Online wise, I have probably about 3 or so real friends. 2 or so on wattpad. One of them is an amazing person in total and I love her to bits because she is my daughter and jokingly, my babygirl. The other 1 is from iFunny. That's where I met them. Overall though, I really don't know who to trust on iFunny anymore and on Wattpad I am very careful who I socialize myself with now. I'm all alone, with a handful of friends in real life and online. I'm okay with it but at the same time, it makes me realize how truly and deeply alone I am. I mean, I guess it is okay considering I'm transferring to university (by the time I post this I will be already in a dorm, hopefully, befriended my roommate). I just realized all of this.

Small Update: I befriended my roommate but we are more like acquaintances. I also befriended BH, she's amazing and so kind to me. I also reconnected with CP, I've know her since community college. She's amazing and the sweetest human ever.

a.b.