I've always wondered why

I've always wondered why I stayed up so late? Was it due to my state of depression or was it the fact that I felt alone?

I've always wondered why my hand felt empty whenever it didn't have yours in it. As if you were its missing piece.

I've always wondered why I cared too much when people cared too little about me. As if I was too empathetic than others?

I've always wondered why I overthink about someone and yet, they probably don't think about me as much as I do them.

I've always wondered why my heart has been shattered, taken the fact that I accept my past...but all I can ask is why me?

I've always wondered why am I the one that compulsively obsesses over situations that may or may not happen. As if my mind plays things on repeat and it never gives me a chance to fully breathe.

I've always wondered why I believe that I won't feel the happiness that I want to feel or achieve. As if I will be in this ever-growing state of blankness. That is the current state I am in. Due to my antidepressants, I am just...blank.

But

I've always wondered why I feel those repressed emotions so strongly and so deeply where it leaves me shocked and yet on the verge of tears.

It makes me question if this is truly worth it. Although another side of me believes that it will be worth it.

a.b.