ash

I wish I could go back in time to save you,
To hold your hand and walk you through that hell you went through,
I know you didn't know what was ahead of you,
You didn't know how much people could hurt you.
You put your trust in people too much,
And trust me, those people weren't so very trustworthy.
By the time you hit 13,
You would have gotten in trouble with mom and dad.
They would've taken away your electronics and yelled at you for being so gullible.
But that was the beginning of our many mistakes,
By the age of 14,
You would have downloaded a messenger app and trusted too many people once again,
You would've sent pics of your body,
In hope to be loved,
But only to be used.
Looking back at it now, I feel so fucking stupid for letting you do that.
For being so open and gullible to men and women.
Let's not forget mom and dad caught us with that,
And how they were so disappointed with us.
By the age of 15,
You'd be a sophomore in high school,
You'd have another app in which you escaped to.
You were bullied and almost raped,
That app was your only escape.
That's when your world crashed,
Mom and dad caught you once again,
And established how much you were being rash.
By the age of 16 through 17,
You decided enough was enough.
You had everything planned out.
You planned out your suicide.
Then you went through more shit,
But that isn't important now.
You gained so many wounds.
You couldn't recognize your own damn name,
Because of how much shit happened to you.
I know you thought the world was against you,
By how much you, were just you.
By the age of 18,
You had a lot of cuts on your thighs,
You probably attempted overdose about 6 or 7 times,
You went through relationships with so much mental abuse,
You thought if you were something to someone, then you could be loved too.
I wish I could've been there all that time,
To tell you, how much is to come to you in life,
How strong you are,
How caring you are,
How beautiful you became.
But I know a part of you died in highschool,
I know how much you wanted to end it.
Because mom and dad refused to believe that you were mentally ill, among other things.
By the age of 19 and 20,
You've fallen apart,
You tried to attempt overdose 9 times,
You continued to cut yourself.
You continued to hate yourself.
You were in another mentally abusive relationship,
You thought it was love at first but then realized a year and almost a half later,
That maybe it wasn't.
You cut yourself again, but gave yourself a scare,
You are breathing still.
You have your ups and downs.
I know sometimes, we hit the ground.
I also know...that you refuse,
Even if the world is against you,
And no matter how much you are tired.
You refuse to give up.

a.b.