Chapter 40: Letter

Class already started after a week. Mamayang gabi gaganapin ang engagement party ni Fiona at Kurt kaya uuwi kaagad ako para maghanda.

That Fiona's getting on my nerves, mukhang ako pa yata ang napaglihian! She's always looking for me tapos kapag nandiyan na susungitan ako, kung hindi lang siguro siya buntis baka tinadyakan ko na siya sa inis.

I took Fashion Design as my course. I really don't have any interest in things, ito lang iyong malapit-lapit sa ability and skills ko. Basta, I'll focus on this, and I'm also thinking... what's the point of studying? I'll always jump into conclusions and I know we'll just end up dead. Ba't pa pahirapan sa pag-aaral?

I sighed when I realized where my mind flew again.

When I reached the parking lot, Kuya Henry was already waiting for me. He opened the door and I slid myself in when I felt my phone rang inside my tote bag.

Zian.

"Hello?" I answered in my serious tone.

"Hi, done in class?"

I rested my head and looked outside when the car started moving. "Yeah, how 'bout you?"

"Just got home."

A moment of silence.

I sighed again. "Just call back later, I'm on my way home." I didn't let him talk when I quickly ended the call up.

Day by day... it goes colder and colder.

Ayaw ko naman mangyari, pero ayaw ko namang pilitin iyong sarili ko na ayos lang kami kahit hindi.

We're still together, but seemed like the rope I was holding to is also ready to give up. We both don't want to end things just like that, maybe... I'll wait for him... kaya ko pa. Kahit ano kasing kumbinsi ko, wala, e... si Lorraine pa rin iyong main priority niya.

I pity myself for the first time.

I shouldn't let anyone treat me like this.

But why did I always let Zian to make me feel unworthy?

I shut my eyes closed. I thought... he's already the best boyfriend... sa umpisa lang pala.

I never regret anything about him. I accepted the whole him, kaya as possible iintindihin ko siya kasi nasa nature niya na iyong masyadong mapagmalasakit.

Hindi naman siya miyembro ng Sagip Kapamilya.

The moment I entered our house, Manang approached me with a bouquet of different flowers and chocolates. 

She's smiling from ear to ear while I was standing, confused.

"Hija, dala ng boyfriend mo kanina! Sabi niya pakibigay na lang daw sa 'yo!"

My lips parted.

He came here?

I slowly accepted the bouquet and looked at it. Somewhere in my heart melt.

I was already inside my room and just looking at the bouquet. I noticed there was a folded paper inserted.

A letter from Zian.

My dearest Persian Audrey,

I couldn't face you after I made you cry. I know this isn't enough, and nothing won't be enough to erase the pain you're feeling. I am not sure if this will, somehow, lessen the pain in your heart, but I just wanna try my luck.

Being sorry isn't enough, and saying I love you isn't an exemption.

Hindi pa tayo nag-iisang taon, pero parang patapos na tayo. I won't let that happen even if I am being an asshole these days.

I am sorry for disappointing you, for not reaching your expectations. For not aiming enough to be the best boyfriend I can be. Sorry for making you feel unworthy and not being my priority. I am already stressed out from the things I was involved in. It was complicated.

I am sorry if this thing have to happen right now. There's always a distraction whenever we're together, and I know you already know that. Things weren't always in control.

There are things I can't give up. And my life started to fvck up. It's between this thing and YOU. Even if I always say I'll choose you, I know it's telling you otherwise.

I am sorry if I have to put this thing on my main priority. I know you're trying to understand me, everyone's trying. But you all can't comprehend it because you weren't in my shoes. I don't blame anyone, there's no one to blame.

I don't know that expressing solicitude towards someone can make me look a disappointment in everyone's eyes. But I don't blame anyone because I chose to keep the reason why.

I just hope that time will come quickly, so I can finally get over with this. And I really want us to be in good terms again.

You're my favorite part of my life, Persian. I am already happy even before we met, but when things happened to us, you made me the happiest. You're that part who fulfill the unfamiliar space in my heart.

You lead this person to something better.

You gave me more reasons to live my life in happiness and contentment.

You also made my life more worth living.

I hope you still have the patience to understand me. Mahal na mahal kita.

-Zian

I WAS wearing a tight black dress and let my hair down when I went out of my room.

"Ang panget mo!" Fiona exclaimed when she saw me got out the car.

I sarcastically smiled. "Pasalamat ka't buntis ka baka kanina pa dumapo 'tong heels ko sa mukha mo."

She glared at me before anchoring her arm on me. "Late ka na nga, e!"

"Nagsimula na?" I asked, trying to get off her arm, but instead she held me tighter.

I groaned.

"Kanina pa, ano ka importante para hintayin pa namin?"

I rolled my eyes.

True enough, the party already started. Fiona's just sticking with me and brought me at her friends' table.

"May kaibigan ka pala?" I asked in sarcasm.

"Of course, kilala mo nga rin sila."

"Guys, I just wanna formally introduce my cousin, Audrey Valderama."

I looked at her in confusion. "What the hell's with you?" mariing tanong ko.

But she just smiled. "Totoo naman."

I shrugged and looked at her friends. And in my horror, these people in front of me were my enemies!

"Seriously? Mga kaaway ko iyan," I whispered.

"Hindi porke't kaaway mo ay hindi ko na p'wedeng kaibigan," she said.

I groaned in frustration when Rea extended her hand. "Hi, Audrey."

I threw her murderous look.

"Come on, Audrey, don't cause a ruckus in my party. Talk to them a bit."

I sighed and looked in front again. "I don't wanna fight with you guys anymore. So, if you're planning to get on my nerves—"

They laughed.

"What the fvck?" I commented.

"Hindi na tayo high school, college na, Audrey," sabi noong isa na hanggang ngayon 'di ko pa kilala.

"Let's just leave it all behind and forget. Ayaw ko na ring pilitin ka na manghingi ng tawad kasi alam ko namang hindi mo gagawin—"

I cut Jes off.

"Sorry."

They shared shock looks.

They were still in process from what they heard when I grabbed Fiona. "You're friends with them, seriously?"

"Oo, kakampi ko iyang mga iyan. Remember those two girls? Sila iyong nang-stalk sa 'yo noong nagdate kayo ng lalaki mo sa mall sa Rizal."

I tilted my head, trying to remember what she said. "So, you ordered them to stalk me?"

She smiled. "Of course."

"You insecured bitch."

Parang wala lang sa kaniya ang sinabi ko kaya hinila niya na ulit ako papunta sa ibang lamesa.

And there, I saw my friends including Kurt.

"Present ulit kami sa engagement party ni Kurt!" Marga exclaimed and hugged me sideways.

I pushed her and gave a disgusted look. "You're so touchy."

"Grabe ka, kapag si lover boy, p'wede tapos ako na kaibigan bawal?" she complained.

I rolled my eyes at her.

"Grabe, mukhang buwan-buwan yatang may engagement party si Kurt!" si Rhiane.

I looked at Kurt who's awkwardly glancing at me.

Naglakad ako papalapit sa kaniya, at hindi pa man siya nakakapagsalita ay dumapo na ang palad ko sa mukha niya.

I heard gasps.

"Ano'ng trip mo? Hitting two birds with one stone?" I asked.

"Audrey, nasisiraan ka na ba ng ulo?" saway ni Marga sa 'kin.

"Shut up, I'll just talk to him."

Kurt looked at me in guilt.

I gave him my sweet smile. "Congrats, Kurt. Congrats for being a jerk," I insulted.

"Audrey..."

"I don't wanna cause a scene, but I have to tell you these things, Kurt."

"Can I talk with her in private?" he pleaded and looked at Fiona.

I arched a brow and looked at her.

"Oo na," Fiona answered and glared at me.

"WHY did you slap me?" Kurt started the moment we reached a close area.

"Just because."

"Audrey naman..."

I crossed my arms. "Oh, ano na naman? Are you really out of your idiotic mind, Kurt Narez?"

He remained silent.

"You impregnated that bitch. Hindi mo ba alam ang salitang sex education? Ang tanda mo na, pero iyang kalibugan mo ang pinaiiral mo."

He looked away. "Hindi ko naman sinadya..."

I let out a sarcastic laugh. "Hindi sinadya? Ano iyon dumaplis lang tapos biglang may nabuo? I'm not stupid, asshole."

I breathed, trying to calm myself down. "I know it's not my business anymore, pero ganoon ka ba talaga ka walang isip, Kurt? Mukha lang akong walang pake sa mga taong nasa paligid ko, pero 'pag may bumabangga sa kanila ako mismo ang sasagasa."

"I know..."

"Alam mo namang nag-aaral iyang si Fiona, you should've thought twice before lust took over you. Saglit lang ang kalibugan, pero 'pag nabuntis malaking pasan. You got it? If they have no say about this, then ako marami. I am imperfect myself, pero muwang ako. Palibhasa kasi sa kagaya mong lalaki, basta makatikim lang sa sarap hindi na gagamitin ang utak. Hindi kasi kayo iyong nabubuntis kaya parang madali lang sa inyo, e, kadalasan pa naman sa inyo mga duwag at inutil. Pagkatapos tumikim, biglang alis. Gosh, bakit kaya hindi pa kayo kunin ni Kamatayan?"

I don't know where this came from, siguro naapektuhan lang ako sa mga nangyayari sa panahon ngayon. Teenage pregnancy is everywhere. It shouldn't be normalized, and sex education is a must.

"Kung hindi mapigilan ni Fiona, dapat ikaw mismo ang tumigil. I don't know why I'm preaching here..." litanya ko at huminga nang malalim. "Tell me, do you love Fiona? If you don't, stop this engagement shit."

"I do."

I looked at him for a seconds.

I then nodded in relief. "Make sure you're not lying. Alagaan mo iyang babaeng iyan, malaman ko lang na umuwi iyan at umiiyak dahil sa 'yo. I won't think twice to break your bones, this time I'm serious with my words."

"I will, I am sorry."

"Gosh, Kurt. You're my friend since we were kids, pero hindi ko alam ganito ka kababaw. Just wanna wish you all the best in life. Hindi ako magso-sorry sa sinabi ko dahil sadya iyon."

Did I finally let my frustration out after knowing Fiona's pregnancy? Maybe.

I supressed a laugh when I saw him tearing up. "Why the hell are you crying? Do I look like a walking drama for you to cry in front of me?"

Zian's eyes crossed my mind. That damn hazel-brown eyes just produced tears in front of me.

I miss him so much.

"Parang ang layo mo na, Audrey."

"What? We're just inches away, baliw ka ba?"

"No, what I was trying to say is... you've changed a lot. Ganiyan ba epekto ng Rizal sa 'yo o baka naman iyong lalaking taga-Rizal?"

I painly chuckled when I remembered Zian. "Iyong lalaking feeling Jose Rizal."

He looked at me in confusion, but I didn't talk any further. We walked back in the party, and continued having fun.

We're now good.

Si Zian na lang.

After reading that letter, I couldn't help but to cry again... and it wasn't because I was in pain... but because I understood Zian's side.

I realized something.

Naiipit siya sa sitwasyon na kung saan hindi siya p'wedeng umayaw at umalis. I learned that in the first place, Zian didn't choose to have a burden to carry, but someone made him to carry the burden that wasn't his. And he left with no choice.

Everyone's disappointed at him, and it included me. I remembered her sister was so pissed.

Pero... alam ba namin kung ano iyong pakiramdam niya habang pinagdaraanan iyang problema niya ngayon?

I realized I was just thinking with my own feelings without considering his.

And instead of supporting him... I started to slip away and I made it more harder for him.

What concerns me now is that... what's the reason?

Maybe, I don't care if I wasn't included on his priority now, what's in my mind now is... I miss him.

I was about to bid goodbye at them when Tita Rowena approached me.

I mentally frowned.

"Audrey, I finally saw you after months!"

I remained stoic. "Sorry, tita."

"No, it's okay. I fully understood it. We're the one who should apologize for not considering your feelings that time. How have you been?"

"I'm doing fine."

She smiled at me. "You look matured now," she said and carressed my hair.

I bit my lower lip trying to hide my gritted teeth. She's so touchy, I mean ayaw ko talaga nang masyadong touchy, well, Zian's a damn exemption.

"Kurt's been pain in the ass. Dapat si Fiona pala 'yon, ano? Paano kasi kayo iyong nakikita namin, ito namang si buntis itinutulak din kayo sa isa't isa kaya 'di ko rin naisip iyon."

I smiled. "They're being immature, but let's focus in the present now. You'll be having a grandchild."

"Oo, tumatanda na yata ako."

I chuckled.

After that talk, si Mr. Vallejos na naman iyong nakita ko kasama si Fiona.

I sighed again.

It's fine, Audrey, you need to talk to these people before dealing your problem with your boyfriend.

"Miss Valderama," Mr. Vallejos called, smiling.

He looks fine and happy now.

I smiled. "Good evening, sir."

"Napaka-formal niyong dalawa!" Fiona butt in.

He laughed.

I smiled when I realized that the people around me finally looked genuinely happy.

"Hindi ka na pumasok sa klase ko, ah? Iisipin ko talagang takot ka sa 'kin kasi tinulak mo ang anak ko sa hagdan."

"You wish, if I didn't push your daughter, baka hindi pa kayo magkasama ngayon."

"Watch your mouth, Audrey!" si Fiona.

I made a face and looked at Mr. Vallejos. "Nice seeing you like this, Mr. Vallejos. Have you visited your wife's grave?"

He nodded. "I always go there after class. I sometimes bring Fiona with me." He then glanced at his daughter and wrapped his arm around her.

I smiled. "That's good to hear. May I excuse myself now?"

"Oh, sure."

I went at my friends to bid goodbye. "I have something to do," I excused.

"Samahan ka namin, gusto mo?" Rhiane offered.

I shook my head. "It's fine. Just tell my parents if they look for me."

"Sige, ingat ka, ha!"

I went outside when I saw Kuya Henry. "Kuya, sa Rizal."

"Ma'am, nagpaalam na po kayo?"

"Yeah, yeah, let's go."

When we arrived there, I quickly got out and told Kuya Henry to go home, sinabi ko rin na baka rito na ako magpalipas ng gabi.

We need to talk about us, it won't be fixed if we're avoiding the inevitable.

I looked from the outside, but noticed the lights inside were off, sa labas lang ang may ilaw. Wala ba siya rito?

I was about to ring the doorbell when I saw a car pulled over.

It was Kent.

"Audrey, kakarating mo lang? Wala yata si Zian d'yan, e," he said inside his car.

"Have you seen him?" I asked.

"Kaninang umaga lang, teka lang ipasok ko muna 'tong sasakyan. Hintayin mo 'ko."

I nodded as a response and waited for him outside. Maya-maya ay lumabas na siya ng bahay nila at may hawak na susi.

"Wala ka bang spare key rito?" tanong niya.

I shook my head.

"Bobo ni Zian, 'di ka man lang binigyan. Kakausapin mo ba siya? E, 'di maghihintay ka rito?" He kept on asking things while we're heading inside.

When he saw my outfit, his lips formed 'O'. "Oh, ba't ganiyan suot mo? Napaka-out of place, saan ka ba galing?"

I rolled my eyes. "Kung nagagandahan ka sa 'kin, 'wag mo na sabihin baka magselos pa girlfriend mo."

His lips rose as he slumped himself on the couch. "Asa namang magseselos iyong mahal ko na 'yon. I won't give her reasons to feel jealous, itinutulak pa nga ako sa mga babae."

I secretly laughed when I saw him grimace. "Maybe, she doesn't love you enough," pang-aasar ko.

He automatically gave me a death glare. "Sapakin ko boyfriend mo, e. P'wede ka magbihis sa taas, Audrey, may damit naman boyfriend mo ro'n para naman hindi ako mahiya sa 'yo, at parang galing ka pang party. Hintayin kita rito, may itsitsimis ako."

I nodded when he seemed so problematic. "Napakademanding mo akala mo sobrang g'wapo."

"G'wapo naman talaga, mas g'wapo pa nga ako kay Zian, e."

I laughed. Ang kapal ng mukha.

"Mas g'wapo si Zian, 'no!" I defended my boyfriend.

Bigla na lang siyang sumeryoso. "Diretsuhan nga, Audrey." He sat properly and looked at me. "No bias, sino mas g'wapo sa 'min ni Zian?"

I arched a brow. "Zian."

He frowned. "Ang panget mo kausap, e, halatang mas charming naman ako kaysa sa lalaking 'yon."

"Zian's way more handsome than you, just accept the truth."

"Ganiyan talaga kasi in love ka sa kaniya, subukan mong tanungin iyong asawa ko Kent isasagot no'n."

Oh, the spirit of this Reistre.

I chuckled. "Learn to accept defeat, Reistre." I started walking upstairs. "Try to ring him up and tell him to go home, we're gonna talk about something."

"I will, pero parang matatagalan yata talaga siya."