Chapter 33: Proud

"I want you mine, Persian Audrey."

Napatitig ako sa kaniya pagkatapos niyang sabihin iyon. And I saw how his expression changed quickly when I didn't answer for a moment.

"Joke lang," kabadong agap niya at ibinalik na ulit ang tingin sa menu.

I sighed in disappointment. Loko talaga ang lalaking 'to. I thought it's true! Well, ano pa nga ba ang aasahan ko sa kaniya? He doesn't like me, and as far as I remember what he said before... he won't ever like a girl like me.

I bit my lower lip while staring at him, busy taking a peek on the menu.

It's been almost a month since we last saw each other. Aminin ko man o hindi, I missed him... so much.

"How have you been, Zian?" I suddenly asked.

He stiffened and slowly lifted his gaze at me. "Hmm, I am doing good... hindi ako nabaliw, Persian," he answered smoothly.

I nodded. "That's good to know." There's a moment of silence, and it's getting awkward for the both of us.

"They're worried sick," he said.

"Who?"

"Your parents... your family..."

I stared at his face. He became more attractive to my eyes. I am drowning again.

"No, they didn't," I answered.

"They looked for you, and I promised I'll tell them soon once I find you."

I swallowed hard. "You met with them? And you'll do that, Zian?"

I am now fine with my life. Less shits around, I don't have to crave for love and attention. Kung hindi kayang ibigay, edi 'wag.

"I met with them... yes. But seeing you right now... I don't think I can still keep my promise."

I nodded. "Well, that's good to know. Besides, I am good."

He looked at me with his narrowed eyes.

"What?" naiilang na tanong ko.

"Just wanna make sure if you're telling the truth."

I rolled my eyes. "Miss, get his order, please," I said. The waitress obeyed and listed our orders.

He's just there, sitting while shamelessly staring at me, and it making me uncomfortable. "What's wrong with you?" I asked, annoyed.

He sighed. "You lost weight," he pointed out.

I looked down on myself. And I agreed... last month, I gained weight, and it's because of him. Ikaw ba naman punta nang punta sa bahay nila tapos ang daming pagkain na ibinibigay sa 'kin, ayaw ko namang masaktan siya kapag hindi ko uubusin, kaya bukod sa wala naman akong balak talaga magtira ay lagi akong busog.

Unlike now, I barely eat, nawawalan ako ng gana minsan. Sometimes, excuse ko na busog pa ako, pero ang totoo hindi ko lang talaga maramdaman na gutom ako kahit hindi ako kumain. Sa apartment, pag-uwi ko maliligo lang ako tapos matutulog na. I'll just take a bite sa free food for the employees in the restaurant I'm working in.

"Hindi ka ba pinapakain sa work mo?"

"Hindi naman nila responsibility ang pakainin ako, wala lang akong gana minsan."

"Gaano kadalas iyang minsan mo?" Medyo galit pa iyong boses niya.

I shrugged. "Hindi ko lang feel kumain."

Hindi na nga ako nakakakain ng totoo talagang pagkain. Puro processed foods iyong nakastock sa apartment ko, wala akong choice hindi naman ako marunong magluto ng ibang putahe. Minsan nasusunog pa iyong nuggets kasi medyo malakas iyong apoy sa stove. Buti nga at hindi ako masyadong kitchen disaster, baka wala na akong matirahan.

"Buti pa noong nasa puder kita, medyo nagkalaman ka," puna niya pa.

I nodded and just didn't say anything.

Ano'ng puder na pinagsasabi ng isang 'to?

"You become better, Persian. You become independent... didn't expect it," he said after a moment of silence.

I looked at him. "Yeah, I can now live my life alone. I am not happy nor sad. And you know what? I am still alive, but I feel nothing... I feel dead inside. I am feeling like just living to exist."

It's true. I wake up to go and work my ass off, going home tired and sleep. Vice versa. I didn't even think of my feelings anymore. Wala akong ibang maramdaman. Basta ang nasa isip ko lang ay magtrabaho para may income ako para sa pagkain at needs ko.

I am not even fully convinced that education is the key to success... perseverance is.

He didn't talk and just looked at me, nang dumating ang order namin ay nagsimula na muna kaming kumain bago ulit siya magsalita.

"I missed eating with you," he said after a while.

Nabitin sa ere ang pag-inom ko ng tubig, nang nakarecover ay nagpatuloy ako sa pag-inom at inignora siya.

I felt became distant to the people around me. Pakiramdam ko kasi hindi ko naman na rin sila kailangan—no, kaya ko naman pala kahit wala sila ang.

Pero iba pa rin talaga, like they said no man is an island. Kagaya ko, I still asked for my friends' help. Narealize ko na kinailangan ko rin sila, pero kung masasanay ka kasi, wala ka nang maiisip, wala ka nang poproblemahin.

Like Zian said before, people's like a walking migraine.

"Persian, pansinin mo naman ako..."

I gathered all my strength to speak. "How's living? How about me after leaving without a say? Are you mad?" sunod-sunod na tanong ko.

Nagtaas siya ng kilay bago punasan ang bibig gamit ang table napkin. He crossed his arms. "No, hindi ako nagalit. And for you to remember, you did leave something before leaving, a letter. It's enough for me not to lose my mind. And for a record, I've been doing all good in acads... my world still go round, I didn't have any suicidal thoughts after you left, if that's your concern."

Instead na mainis ay natahimik ako. Right. It's not as if namatay ako para magluksa sila. I left, and they didn't even show some worry. Well, hindi naman iyon ang inaabangan ko kung bakit ako umalis.

Hindi ako umalis para magpahanap.

"Sayang, college ka na sana sa pasukan. Your father didn't talk about it, but I know he cared for you, pinag-uusapan ka nila noong pumunta sila sa bahay nina Archie."

"Sinisiraan ako? Na I just brought disgrace—"

"Grabe, huwag ka naman ganiyan sa sarili mo. No, hindi ganiyan... your father's proud of you. It's weird kasi hindi ko nakikitaan iyong dad mo as nag-oopen up."

Napaisip ako. Daddy opened up?

Well, I don't really care anymore. I said what's have to be said before. Something lifted on my shoulder, that's enough.

"Umuwi ka na, Persian," sabi niya nang may nagmamakaawang tono.

I groaned. "Bakit mo ba 'ko pinapauwi? I said ayaw ko."

"Okay, but... at least give your parents a peace of mind."

"Huh? Why would I do that?"

"Hinahanap ka nga nila—"

"Stop insisting, Zian. It's been a month since I left, bakit hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako nahahanap kung totoo ngang hinahanap nila ako?" iritadong asik ko.

Hinahanap lang ba nila ako kasi pakiramdam nila responsibilidad nila dahil anak ako? Pero siguro naman kung hindi nila ako anak, they won't bother finding me.

Isa pa, hindi naman ako pumunta sa malayo. Come on, nasa Manila pa rin ako, iilang kilometro lang inalisan ko pero kung sabihing hinanap ako ay akala mo sa ibang bansa ako nagpunta. Ni hindi ako nagtago, umalis lang ako.

If they're really worried to the point they will thoroughly search for me, I should've been found immediately even from the day before I got the job. But no, they didn't do their best to find me, I don't care if they really do not give a fvck to me. I'd rather stay and live like this than to live under the same roof with them again.

I had enough, and I am done from all the bullshits I've been through.

Zian cleared his throat. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize when there's no need to."

I glanced on his phone on the side and saw the caller's name. Lorraine.

That Lorraine again.

Why does distraction always come whenever we're together?

He's just looking at me with an equal intensity when it rang. He even barely glanced on his phone, but when he saw who's calling he immediately picked it up and gave me an apologetic look. "Can I answer this?"

Kung sabihin ko bang hindi, gagawin mo? "Whatever you want, I don't care," I answered instead and looked down on my empty plate.

Nang nag-angat ako ng tingin ay nakatingin lang din siya sa 'kin, nagriring pa rin iyong phone niya, pero nang samaan ko siya ng tingin ay sinagot niya na iyon nang hindi pa rin ako nilulubayan ng tingin... ni hindi man lang umalis for their privacy.

I wonder what's the score between them now? Lorraine seems her type... A totally opposite of me. Mabait, mahinhin, hindi maarte, hindi matapobre... and to add that their sharing the same interest or field. Business. For sure, kung lagi silang magkasama, hindi sila mauubusan ng topic.

Kasi siguro kapag kami, baka ako na lang minsan ang mag-initiate ng subject just to fill the silence enveloping between us.

"Nah, that was still yesterday but thanks. Same to you, congrats."

I was drumming my fingers against the table while listening him talk. They seem close, I shouldn't care.

"Huh, kung gusto ko? Nah, it's up to you kung saan mo gusto mag-aral, hindi naman ako ang magpapa-aral sa 'yo," he said in between his laugh.

I remained silent.

He's now laughing, and seem enjoying his call while I am here, sitting boredly and impatiently waiting for him to fvcking end the call.

Lagi na lang bang ganito? Magkasama kami, pero laging may distraction... minsan parang hindi ko pa nararamdaman iyong presensiya niya.

Pero ano nga ba ang punto ko? As if I can be mad, knowing there's nothing to be mad about. It's his life, so I shouldn't care.

"Well, I guess, I'm with someone right now. Not really, huwag mong isipin iyon you're not a distraction, really. Don't mind it."

Not a distraction.

He said it... he's seeing her a no distraction, we're different.

He's being rude. "I'll just go, mukhang bukas pa kayo matatapos sa pag-uusap." I stood and was ready to left when he stopped me by holding my arm before hanging up.

"Remove your hand."

Binitawan niya naman kaagad. There's this amusement expression on his face. "Tinatakasan mo ba 'ko?"

"Excuse me? I don't care if you're taking too long talking with that girl—"

"No, not that." He flashed an annoying smile. "Iyong bayad, 'di ba wala akong perang dala? Tatakasan mo pa 'ko, e, babayaran naman kita."

Pakiramdam ko tinakasan ako ng kulay sa mukha. Right, that's what he's concerned of. Akala ko na kung ano, e. Medyo napahiya ako roon.

"Right, nagpakita ka lang sa 'kin para magpalibre," I murmured and got a 300 peso bill for payment, after that we headed outside.

Maaga pa, at wala akong ibang rason para bumalik sa Arblivan dahil ipinagpaalam niya na rin naman ako. Ayaw ko pang umuwi sa apartment, that's too boring.

Napahinto naman kaagad ako nang may natanto. "Stupid," I whispered.

"Ha, bakit?"

"We went here to eat in a restaurant, seriously? E, p'wede namang doon na lang sa pinagtatrabahuan ko," sabi ko.

Napaisip din siya bago nagpatango-tango. "Oo nga, 'no? Hindi ko naisip iyan, masyado siguro akong desperado makasama ka kaya iyon iyong dinahilan ko."

I sarcastically chuckled. "Desperado? I doubt that. Magkasama nga tayo, pero iyang atensyon mo nasa katawag. Hindi ka ba nagsasawa na mukhang lagi naman yata kayong nagkikita? Well, erase that, hindi ka naman talaga magsasawa kung type mo naman." Naglakad ulit ako para iwan siya roon.

It's driving me mad. 

He called my name until I felt him grabbing me and didn't expect what he did next.

He hugged me.

Gosh, I longed in his embrace.

I breathed.

"Namiss kita... sobra," he whispered.

I broke the hug. "Seriously, how did you end up here, Zirdy Ivan?" This was bugging me.

He smirked. "Naks, 'di na Fernando, ah? Well, my name sounds more attractive coming out from your pretty mouth."

"Shut it."

"Where did you live anyway?"

"I got an apartment," I answered and continued walking.

"Really? Are you fine there, though?"

"Yeah, I managed."

"Ikaw, won't you ask me? Parang ang cold mo sa 'kin, may mali ba akong ginawa?

I stopped and looked at him. "Can you zip your mouth? I need silence right now. And you're no help."

Gosh, I didn't even know why I'm being like this. Part ba 'to nang pagmamature ko? Prefer silence than nagging him?

I admit it naman, I am so clingy, masyado ko siyang ginugulo dati. Pero ngayon, it just took a month for me to change. I have no strength to nag him like I used to do before.

Bahala sila, pagod na rin ako.

Until we reached the parking lot, there's just silence in between. My forehead creased in confusion when he opened the door of his car and gestured me to hop in.

"What?" Bukod sa nalilito ako dahil hindi naman niya talaga ako pinagbubuksan ng pinto ay hindi ko rin alam kung saan kami pupunta.

O baka ihahatid niya na ako pauwi?

"We'll go somewhere, Miss Iceberg," he said.

"Miss Iceberg, your ass."

We're just silent on our trip, he's humming a song while I looked outside when my phone vibrated inside my sling bag.

Margaret is calling...

"Hello?" I answered.

"Oh my gosh! Audrey, hindi mo ba kami sasabihan ng congrats? Well, congrats muna sa 'yo!"

"What do you mean?" I asked in confusion, not minding Zian beside me.

"We graduated just right now! Hindi kita natawagan kanina, pero ikaw naman ang unang tinawagan ko pagbaba ko! Naiiyak ako kasi namimiss ka na namin! It could've been us! Kumpleto sana tayo!"

Even with her loud voice and noise in the background, I felt the lump on my throat and my eyes teary.

Just how fast my mood changed. Kanina wala akong pake sa acads, ngayon may parte sa 'king nagsisisi na siguro dapat tinapos ko muna para naman gumraduate ako, I don't care if my parents will attend, but I'm they won't lalo na kung wala akong award.

"After ng ceremony, Aud, bibisitahin ka namin, may free time ka ba? We should celebrate ourselves, lalo ka na!" si Rhiane.

A smile formed on my lips. I am happy for them and I am beyond thankful I have them. "C-congratulations," I stuttered.

"Ano ba, Audrey! I don't like the tone of your voice! Ayos ka lang?"

They seemed busy... but I can hear the happiness in their voices.

"Of course, I am just happy... you both reached another milestone, please... no more walwal next year, college na kayo ayusin niyo na," malamyos na sermon ko.

Gosh, is this really me? Since when did I become like this? Ako pa nga dapat ang sermunan na umayos, pero ano, 'to?

"Audrey." Biglang nagbago iyong boses nila, more like worried.

I softly chuckled. "What? I am doing fine... I really am, just don't come here again especially Rhiane, we'll just see each other some other time..."

I don't know, but my tears fell. I am happy, but why do I feel like there's something missing inside me?

"Saan ka ba ngayon? Are you working right now? Your parents are asking us yesterday kung alam ba naming nasaan ka, hindi ako makasagot, e, kaya tumakbo na lang kami ni Rhiane," Marga sniffed and laughed.

I smiled. "Silly, don't worry you don't have to answer them, just... just focus on yourselves. Malaki na ako, stop pampering me."

Hindi ko namalayan na nakahinto na pala kami kaya nagpaalam na ako sa kanila nang hindi pa rin binabalingan si Zian dahil nakaharap ako sa bintana.

I opened the car's door and got out. Sinalubong ako ng hangin. Nang ilibot ko ang tingin ay nasa iisang ridge kami. There's a hut nearby, different plants and flowers, and in front there's an amazing view. Makikita mo iyong buong city, dagdagan mo pa na ang ganda ng langit.

I don't remember praising a place like this before.

Right. How could I praise some place where I have never never been at?

Zian looked at me and walked closer. "Allow me to wipe your tears," he said as he wiped my cheeks.

Hindi ko alam na hindi ko pala napunasan iyon. I gulped and avoided him to go near the railings where you can see the view upclose.

I sighed.

It's been a month since my last cry.

Hindi naman masama kung maglabas ng saloobin, 'di ba? Hindi ko alam na may kinikimkim pa pala ako. I thought I am now fine.

I bit my lower lip and glanced at Zian beside me, his hair was flowing freely because of the air blowing.

I missed him.

"Zian," I called as my lips quivered.

He closed our distance and looked at me. "What's wrong?"

I cried.

I cried in front of him for no reasons.

He just stood there, staring at me.

"Won't you give me a hug?" I sobbed.

Para bang kinabahan siya kaya hinila niya ako. He then enveloped me in his warm hug.

"I missed you so much," I whispered.

He breathed heavily.

"How 'bout you... did you reach something you worked hard for?" I asked after a minute. "When's your graduation? Tapos na?"

"Hmm."

"Zian, answer me."

"Let's talk about it next time, come on it's your time."

"I just wanna know."

He looked at me and smiled. "Yeah, tapos na."

"How was it?"

"Good."

"What good?"

"I did it. I got an award."

I frowned. "I know you'll do it. What award?"

Nahihiya pa yata siya.

"Valedictorian."

My smile went wider. "Wow, masyado mo namang ginalingan. Congrats, Mr. Reistre."

He mischievously smiled. "Nice, hindi na Magsaysay. You finally know me."

I rolled my eyes.

"I am proud to all of you," I said.

"I am proud of you too... sobra," he said.

I groaned. "Really? Then, I should have a kiss award." I winked.

He shook his head and chuckled. He kissed my forehead.

"Nah, did I say on forehead?"

"Where do want me to?"

I pointed my nose. He kissed it. I pointed the both of my cheeks. He kissed them.

I pointed at my lips. "There, gusto ko iyong matagal."

He frowned before snaking his arm on my waist, while the other one held my chin. "Okay." He crouched and tilted his head. Slowly, his lips touched mine.

Just like that he's done.

"Iyon lang?—"

Even before I could finish, he kissed me again... this time I felt something foreign as he ravished my lips.

My heart beats fast.

My eyes widened in shock, lalo na nang humiwalay siya. "Where did you learn that?!"

He shrugged.

"Did you get a tutor for that?" I asked with a serious tone.

"Hmm, not really." He wiggled his eyebrows. "Ikaw lang naman iyong gusto ko maging tutor sa subject na 'to."

I glared at him. "What? As far as I know, you didn't know how to kiss—"

"Ouch, sakit, no'n, ah? Don't worry marunong na ako. You can now rate me million over ten." He chuckled sexily and winked at me. "Miss lips sucker."

I shook my head, naalala ko iyong sinabi niyang kapag asawa na niya atsaka niya lang hahalikan.

Zian and his words. Mga palpak.