Vyra

Life took on a new pattern, cut from the same cloth of obedience as before.

I did what I was told. I woke up, put on my leathers to train, and fixed my hair into a tight braid that wouldn't need fixing. At the brisk hour of the morning, I would arrive at the clearing and meet the Alpha.

Otherwise, I stayed in my room. I was too afraid that I would run into anyone else exploring despite being given the okay to do so.

I counted how many pearls, gems, and pieces of colored glass were used to create the mural on my ceiling. I thought of my parents, often because I couldn't escape them. I imagined what they might have looked like, laughed like. I wondered if I were anything like them.

I wondered if Sonya and Petir missed me. I worried that they were secretly glad I was gone. I missed them anyway.

I called on Titus to show me how to work the bathtub because I couldn't get the hang of it. He complained every time, but he did it. He even started conversations with me as we waited for the tub to fill.

My thoughts were eating me and in the absence of the paranoid regimen of my survival, I drowned in thoughts of what I lacked.

Family. Friends, currently. A name for my own. And the unwavering ability to not piss off the Alpha at any given moment.

Seren never visited me in the castle since the first night despite being next door. Not that I expected him to. At the end of our sessions we went back to pretending that each other didn't exist. He would storm off somewhere, and I would go back to my lovely cage.

I preferred it that way too.

I never thought about the Alpha. Not once. I saw him more than enough during day to ever waste a minute wondering what he was scowling at within his room.

That didn't mean that occasionally I wouldn't stare at the door that led to his private chambers and send curses at him.

Our interactions had grown cold as the dead of winter ever since a week into his attempts to get me to shift.

I couldn't focus. All I could think about was a way to bring up the mating ceremonies we had to attend, and how to get out of them.

Whenever there seemed to be a lull in his instructions, I would try to ask him. The words never escaped the lump in my throat when he settled his frozen gaze on me.

"Maybe I can complete the first trial without shifting." I offered, after several failed attempts. Every time I made it to the pool of darkness within me, my mind repelled me from its shores.

Seren rolled his eyes, tugging on my braid. I leapt away from the touch, smoothing over stray hairs.

"That is the first trial. It is a test of one's self, and how well they can connect with the animus inside them. If you cannot do that is a shifter, there is little else you can do."

Thanks for the reminder.

I watched with confusion as the Alpha sighed, and then sat himself on the cold, wet snow beneath us. Impatiently, he gestured for me to sit on the ground with him.

Grounding my chattering teeth, I knelt down and tucked my knees under myself and across from him. I focused on the pine trees off in the distance rather than staring at the Alpha who was now eye level to me.

I could feel his hard stare as I avoided him, my hands nervously fiddling in my lap.

"What did you feel that night you shifted?" The Lycan questioned me.

Why was he asking? He had to already know the answer, and I wasn't prepared to give it.

I cleared my throat, trying to sound as polite and honest as possible. "If I say what I feel, I will be punished."

He was quick to respond, "You will not be punished. You are my mate, you are a contender to be an Alpha. No physical harm can be done to you."

Right, no physical harm. It would force me to be vulnerable with this man, who was practically a stranger to me.

"All of that is true, but it does not change that I am an outcast to this pack and forever I will be. Do you truly want to know how I felt?" I forced myself to look at him, to gauge his reaction.

There was no hint of animosity in his crystalline eyes. "Yes. I just want you to relive what allowed your body to change."

I nodded trying to accept the small sincere gesture. He wanted to help me, but he couldn't without knowing what my body responded to.

Taking a deep, shaky breath I started to speak. "Like I was dying." The Alpha let out a puff breath but remained expressionless. Confessions I never spoke about to anyone else poured out of me, as I felt the weight of them leave my body. "I know it is not your fault that my family is dead, and yet you still frighten me. I remember your father pulling me aside as a child and threatening me to stay away from you, but he did not need to. I avoided you because you were an innocent, dangerous reminder of all I had been through."

The Alpha shifted, his arms dropping from his knees. He leaned forward, listening intensely but I could not find it in myself to stop.

I laughed, feeling my eyes fill with tears. "Then all of the sudden I am made equal, I am made a match for the most important and powerful person in the pack. The last person on earth that I could ever want, and that could want me back. I was invisible before, and I liked it. It meant staying alive. Suddenly everyone who merely liked taunting me hated me and wanted me killed. Not just because of who my family was, but because I am simply not enough for you."

I wiped away some of the tears that had fallen, before they turned to ice. Still, I felt relieved to finally get it off my chest, even if the Alpha did not comfort me. At least I knew deep down I was not the only one who felt this way.

We sat just like that, together in silence for a few moments. For once it was peaceful with him. I felt like I could finally breathe.

It was him who broke the silence, his deep voice shattering the calm. "That is how you view being fated to me?"

It was nearly a whisper, I had to strain to hear him, confused because he sounded genuinely wounded by what I just told him.

That wasn't right.

Lifting my head, I searched his face. His head was turned to the side, and he was messing with the snow by his side. His expression was impassive, almost bored as I found myself unable to answer him.

I must have imagined the emotion. I saw how gray he looked when he realized I was his mate. Every minute I've spent with him after showed me how much he resented our bond.

"Fate is cruel for binding me to you."

That was one of the first things he said to me and I would never forget it. Maybe I wanted him to feel just as hopeless as I did.

"Yes." I kept my eyes on his unwavering. "Every single time I look at your face I feel trapped."

He tore his gaze from mine and stood quickly. I followed after him, brushing off snow from my body and attempting to move around him to see his face. He kept turning away from me, his hands fisted by his sides.

He was offended. Shit, I said too much. How do I fix this?

The Alpha was likely unaware and felt that his honor was in question. He probably thought he was being kinder than he should be to me.

I stupidly reached for his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. I felt the heat of him beneath my palm for only a second before he ripped his way out of my touch, adjusting his leathers as he began to walk away from me.

My fingertips still felt on fire where I grazed him.

"Tomorrow. Again. This time, you will shift. Or you'll find out what it feels like to be truly trapped, and it won't be my fault." He reminded me, clipped. Back to the apathetic Alpha I was used to.

My hands fell to my sides, regret filling me. "Seren."

His name carried and died out with the wind as he left me to walk back to my room by myself, the sun still high in the sky.

***

After his strange questioning, the Alpha no longer held back.

He divulged nothing about himself and asked nothing of me. He didn't have to. He knew everything about me.

Our sessions grew more strenuous as he spit the pack's insults at me. Names and stories that had been thrown in my face over the years. I took in every insult. I knew what he said was true.

They stabbed, carved and shattered me and still I could not shift.

"You are a Fracti, you are naturally weaker than us." He berated me, his arms crossed as he circled me. "Vulnerable to attack at any time, without any ability to use your senses. Defenseless as a newborn. Not even the other Outcasts are as feeble as you, at least they can shift. At this rate you never will."

I nodded, not responding. I agreed with him.

Seren looked disgusted, "What are you so afraid of?"

I touched my scar, the one his father gave me. Yes, I was afraid. Of the sensation. Of the power I felt coursing through my veins. What I would do if I wasn't weak.

I am scared shifting won't change a single thing. That I will still be just as useless as I am now.

His eyes caught the movement on my chest. "You touch your scar when you are frightened or nervous. It will be a dead giveaway to anyone you are fighting."

Observant. I dropped my arm quickly, feeling insecure. After endless goading for several days, I was feeling spent and utterly frustrated. While I did not want to shift, I also had the urge to prove the Alpha wrong.

I closed my eyes, running through the steps of shifting. Reach the darkness. Connect with my animus within my soul. Let go of my human constraints.

Fangs. Fur. Eyes. Paws. My skin would crawl uncomfortably, every time I imagined shedding it.

This time I felt my stomach ripple, and a wave of nausea took over. Within seconds, I was bending over and vomiting into the snow.

When I was finally able to open my eyes, Seren was standing over me. Looking absolutely unconcerned as I let go of all of my breakfast near his boots.

"Sorry." I murmured, wiping my lips and raising to my feet. I swayed from side to side as I did so, the sky and the ground spinning.

Hands gripped my shoulders, righting me. They were gone as quickly as they came, but I still stared at Seren with an open mouth. He shook his head, his brows low over his eyes. "You are so damn breakable Vyra." He looked perturbed by the idea. It was guilt, most likely, at the idea of him tearing me apart limb during our battle.

I was glad to know he had somewhat of a conscience.

"I know. Sorry, again." I muttered, feeling unsettled by his attention.

His eyes narrowed, "Your father was one of the strongest Alpha to ever live."

My interest piqued, "Really?"

His sculpted face grew serious, that dark beauty making me shudder. "Yes. It was a close fight, and my father nearly lost to him." My chest filled with pride, knowing at least my father put up a fight. Seren shook his head at me, "It doesn't make sense that you are his daughter."

Like a swift kick to the stomach, I was left winded. He was right. I cannot shift. I am nothing like my father, from the very little I know.

My mate's shoulders were open, ready for a rebuttal. But I had nothing left in me.

The Alpha recoiled, spotting the defeat in my eyes and the set in my shoulders. "Too easy to break." He mumbled under his breath, but I heard it clearly.

Footsteps crunching in the snow broke our stare. I turned, flooded with relief to see the Alpha's guard there. It meant I could go back to my room early.

"Alpha. Out-Vyra." He greeted us, correcting himself when his leader gave him a warning glare.

"Take her back, please." The Alpha said, not forgetting his good manners with others he interacted with.

The guard bowed, his long hair pulled back and out of his face.

"Yes Seren."

Appeased, the man began to walk away without another glance in my direction. Yet in the opposite direction to his home, and further into the forest.

As the guard escorted me, curiosity took over.

"Where is the Alpha going?"

"Ah. Of course, asking me questions that I cannot answer." He shook his head. "Like I said, if you're wondering about the Lycan, ask him yourself. Or go busy yourself with the rest of the dwelling, you never leave your room."

"Why when you provide all the entertainment I need?" I droned, running my fingers along a tapestry.

The guard tilted his head at my sarcasm, "The Outcast? Making a joke? And at my expense? Call the executioner."

I rolled my eyes. If I had attempted that the first time Titus took me to the fortress, he probably would have asked Seren to kill me. His suspicion of me lessened with every new encounter between us.

It was almost friendly.

"Just tell me. He won't find out." I pleaded my case, catching up to him on the stairs in the main hall.

He sighed dramatically, "And asking me to break the rules? What happened to you, Vyra?"

I held back a laugh. This was me, just the version of me I could be around Sonya and Petir.

"Come on."

We ended up in my room, with him adjusting the latch he called a 'knob'. He looked around once, and twice and waited for the water to run loudly before he relayed Seren's whereabouts.

"He is visiting his mother's grave. It was two years ago today she lost her life."

Immediately I felt horrible. No wonder why the Alpha seemed so much harsher today.

"Please. Tell me what happened, I feel as if I am the only one who doesn't know."

Titus pressed his mouth into a harsh line, before giving in. "I really shouldn't be telling you this." His eyes warned me to never repeat it, "But she ended her own life, and Seren hasn't been able to come to terms with it. He is still searching for her killer within the pack, even now."

The guard left me by myself to bathe, and I found myself thinking of the Alpha. If he had returned from the grave yet, or if he had still waited in the cold. He must have loved her very much. And she, him.

It gave me hope that maybe I was wrong. Felix Lunae loved his human wife, whose name had been forgotten. They would see my sacrifice as brave. They would call me strong for surviving when no one cared if I lived.

They would have loved me too.

The one person who would know for certain had been poisoning me. Seren wouldn't let me visit the Mistress anyways, not until I found a good enough reason to.

I should stop hating myself if they loved me. I should shift. I should try to fight, even though my loss is inevitable. For them.

So that maybe one day I could look at myself in the mirror and see myself instead of all of those who left me behind.