Why is it so hard to accept when something is lost? Why do we hold on to things, even when they hurt us? Maybe there are no answers. Wrong or right, there were only decisions.

It was time to make mine.

__________

Luke wasn't there when the cab dropped me off at home. It was becoming a depressingly familiar situation. I wondered where he was. It was a Sunday. He shouldn't be at work.

I looked down at my fully charged cell phone for a moment, wondering if I should try calling him. After a second, I placed the phone face-down on the counter. I knew he wouldn't answer. He was already mad at me for having to go to Laurel's event. Seeing a call from me this morning would only fire him up more. When that happened, he could disappear for weeks instead of just days.

My cell phone rang, startling me. For a brief second, I stared at it, heart pounding furiously. Was it Calen calling? Maybe it was Luke? Had he somehow cooled down enough to check in on me and see if I had gotten home safely?

I flipped the phone over. My breath whooshed out, and I gave a small slightly hysterical laugh when I saw that it was just Laurel calling. I picked it up and answered.

"Hey Laurel." I greeted her casually, hoping none of my tension was audible.

"Emma! How's your head this morning? Did Calen get you home okay last night?"

"It could be worse, I guess. I took some aspirin." I answered, adroitly avoiding the other part of her question.

"Thank god Calen was able to drive you home. I'm so sorry I didn't take you there myself. The show was just starting and I couldn't leave." Laurel said forlornly.

"Don't even worry about that." I said firmly. "It was my fault. I should have known better and stopped at one drink."

Laurel was silent for a few seconds. "Yes, you usually only have one drink. Any reason why you were chugging them down like a frat boy at his first college party?"

"I was hardly chugging them." I protested. It was weak.

"I saw the empty cups, Ems." Laurel said lightly. "And Calen was stone cold sober so I know he didn't drink them."

I sighed, walking into the bedroom. Putting the phone on speaker, I tossed it on the bed.

"Fine, it was me." I said, voice muffled as I pulled off my shirt. Taking the rest of my clothes off, I grabbed a bathrobe and headed to the bathroom.

"Is it Luke?" Laurel asked, voice gentling. "Is he being an ass again?"

I froze, hand on the faucet handles of the bathtub. "No...I mean, not really."

I couldn't lie to her. She was my best friend. We've known each-other since middle school. Besides, she could always tell when I was keeping something from her.

"What did he do?" She asked angrily.

"I really don't want to talk about it right now. Can I call you back later? I'm about to take a shower."

"Fine. I'll save the lecture... You know I'm only worried because I love you right?"

"I know, Laurel. I love you too." I said, voice thick.

Her voice brightened. "Oh! I know, let's go grab some lunch. You can vent and I have some news that might cheer you up!"

Relieved, I agreed to meet her in two hours at one of our favorite spots downtown. After I hung up the phone, I decided to take a hot bath instead. I felt cold all the way through.

There was a bone-deep fear that had settled over me when talking about Luke. Things couldn't continue the way they were. I knew this. There was so much I hadn't told Laurel. So much I've hidden from her and my family about mine and Luke's relationship.

I thought I was strong enough to handle things myself. Therefore I didn't need to tell anyone.

Only once the scalding hot water had warmed me up, did I admit the truth to myself.

I hadn't kept things from people because I was strong enough to handle it. I had kept the truth from people because of shame inside of me.

What would they think of me? My weakness in staying with a husband who didn't love me. A husband who always stayed late at work because he couldn't bear the sight of me.

No.

It was time to stop lying. To myself at least.

I may still be innocent in many ways, but I wasn't blind. Luke wasn't staying out late for work.

He was with other women. He was cheating on me. He had been for years now.

Sinking down deeper into the bathtub until the water reached my chin, I began to cry. I shook so hard that the water splashed and overflowed out the sides of the tub. I couldn't breathe. I felt as if I were drowning in an ocean made out of my own tears.

It was time to stop lying.

* * *

Laurel knew something was wrong the moment I walked into Café Ophelia. She stood up and gave me a long hug, although she knew I wasn't the biggest fan of hugs.

"What did he do?" She asked, sitting down and immediately pouring me some coffee. Pushing the delicate porcelain cup of coffee toward me, she crossed her arms and waited patiently.

"Didn't you say something about having news that would cheer me up?" I asked instead, taking a sip of the coffee.

"Yes, but first, you need to tell me what's really going on with Luke." She said firmly. "Come on Ems, I've known you since we both had braces. Don't you think I'd notice that something is seriously not right with you? I didn't want to pry but I can't pretend I don't know when something is wrong either."

I stared down into my cup, gut churning. Laure's voice gentled.

"You're not alone, Emma. I'm here. You can tell me anything."

I didn't know where to start. So I told her everything. About Luke's cheating and verbal abuse at least. The rest of it, I kept inside.

There were some secrets that even best friends couldn't tell each other.

* * *

Laurel's face had turned a furious tomato shade by the time I was done. Eyes reddened and nose swollen, she held me and cried without care for the curious looks we were getting from the other customers in the café.

"What an absolute, fucking idiot!" She slammed her fist down on the table, making the plates and cups clatter loudly. "I'm going to kill him! Slowly! Flay him alive!"

I felt drained, tired but at peace in some strange way. Telling her about the truth of things between Luke and I had been like cauterizing an open wound, painful but healing.

"I don't know what I should do." I said, picking at the remains of the chocolate muffin on my plate.

Her eyes widened. "What do you mean? You'll divorce the jerk and take everything! The house, the cars. All of it!"

I shook my head. "I don't care about any of that stuff. It's just...well, you know how my parents are. They don't believe in divorce. They'll never forgive me if I leave Luke."

"They'll understand once you tell them what he's done!" Laurel protested.

"You don't understand..." I sighed, then forged ahead. "My dad cheated on my mom once. I remember the fights. I was only seven or eight at the time, but it's seared into my memories. My mom took me and we left for two weeks. Then my dad came, crying and apologizing. My mom took him back. They went through therapy. He never cheated again. My mother told me, that's what you do when you're married. You work through things. You don't leave."

Laurel bit her lips, thinking hard. Then she shook her head vehemently. "No, this is not the same thing at all. Luke has gone past the point of forgiveness. The things he's said to you, Emma...it's unforgivable! And it wasn't cheating one time either, not that once isn't already too much. He's been doing it for years! You cannot stay married to him. I forbid it!"

I didn't know what to say. Seeing my turmoil, Laurel softened.

"I'm sorry. This isn't about me or what I want. It's about you." She hugged me again. "What do you want to do? Whatever it is, I'll support you one hundred percent."

"How about you tell me about the good news. I could use some right now."

She nodded, and her face began to glow, beautiful despite the red nose and mascara smudges under her eyes.

"Phil and I...this is terrible timing considering...well, he proposed!" She reached in her purse, pulling out a gorgeous emerald cut diamond ring and putting it on her finger.

I hadn't cried during the whole time we spoke about Luke. But when I saw the ring on her finger and sheer happiness in my best friend's eyes, I started to cry.

Her face crumpled, and she started to take off the ring. I stopped her, shaking my head.

"No! No, I'm not crying because I'm sad." I rasped. I held her hand tightly and pulled it to my cheek. I smiled at her through the tears. "I'm crying because I'm so happy for you and Phil. It reminds me that love can be good and real and wonderful!"

"Are you sure?" She started to cry and laugh as well.

"Yes!"

"Will you be my maid of honor?"

"Yes!" I grabbed her, pulling her to her feet so that we could jump up and down.

We must have looked like two escapees from an insane asylum. Shouting, laughing, and crying, all at the same time. When the other customers figured out what was happening, there was clapping and congratulations.

Finally we sat back down, sheepishly apologizing to the staff. They brought out a bottle of champagne and poured us two glasses.

I raised my glass to her in a toast.

"To my best friend, Laurel. To your happiness and love. You deserve it all. " I said softly. She raised her glass and clinked it to mine.

"To my best friend, Emma. You deserve it all as well, love and happiness and much more!"

I drank my champagne, welcoming the sparkling burn of the bubbles down my throat. She knocked hers back in one gulp, then motioned for another. I refused, telling her that I couldn't afford another hangover since I was still recovering from the first.

As I watched her speaking animatedly to an older couple who had come up to offer their congratulations, I realized something.

Keeping the secret Luke had been such a terrible stone weighing in my heart for so long that I hadn't even considered how it would feel to finally let it go.

It felt okay, I decided. Painful but okay.

Most surprising of all though, I realized that I wasn't afraid of Luke any more.

Or myself.

* * *

"Will you be able to take a few days off work? We're going to have a destination wedding." Laurel asked, as we left the café.

Downtown traffic in Minneapolis was light on a Sunday afternoon. The late summer sunshine felt good as we walked towards Laurel's condo a few blocks away.

I nodded. "Of course. When will it be?" I was a marketing manager for a small agency. I had been there for almost five years and hardly ever took time off. Which meant I had a lot of PTO days saved up.

"September." She mumbled, grinning ear-to-ear.

"That's only a month away!" I said, surprised.

She flushed. "I know it's soon...but we didn't want to wait. Plus I already have the venue all picked out. My job offered one of their photo sites as a wedding gift."

"Where will it be?"

Her grin grew wider, eyes sparkling with excitement now. "Thailand!"

I gasped. "Are you serious?"

"Yes! Isn't that amazing? We have an amazing resort booked on Koh Samui. It's where the wedding will be. They have a special rate for our guests to stay there as well!"

Thailand was where my mom had been born. It was a place I had already dreamed of visiting someday with Luke. But he had never been interested. I had thought about going by myself but there never seemed to be a good time.

"Are you okay, Emma?"

I looked up at her, realizing I had been walking silently for a full minute.

"I'm fine. I'm just thinking about—uhm, work." I said quickly.

She nodded, understanding filling her face. "Don't worry Emma. I'll talk to Phil. Luke is off the guest list as of right this second."

"Are you sure? I mean, Phil and Luke are friends after all."

"I'm sure." She said firmly. "You're as much a friend to Phil as Luke is and I know for a fact that Phil likes you better then Luke anyway."

I managed a smile. "Then count me in."

She hugged me. "I'm so excited! Now that I think about it, it's perfect. Going on this trip means that you can have some space and time away from that jerk wad. Get some sun. Relax."

I nodded, not wanting to rain on her parade. She offered to make dinner for us at her place. Regretfully, I refused. As much as I wanted to put off dealing with Luke, I knew waiting would only make it worse.

The drive home to the suburbs was a quiet one. I took a deep breath when I saw that the lights were on. Luke was home.

It was time to make a decision.