M I L L E R

"Huy! Ang lalim naman ata ng iniisip mo?" bulaga sa akin ni Dan.

Matatapos na ang shift niya at trenta minuto na ang lumipas nang matapos ang akin. Hindi nga lang ako umuwi kaagad dahil kumain na muna ako. May mga pagkain pa rin kasing natira sa kusina namin kaya kumain na ako habang hinihintay na matapos si Dan. And now that his shift is over and he just got out from the dressing room, nadatnan niya akong nakatulala sa gilid ng front desk ng club.

"Inaantok lang ako. You misunderstood it," I lied.

"Kung ganun, bakit hindi ka na lang nauna?" aniya.

Bakit nga ba hindi? Maybe because I wanted to stay away from Axel for as long as possible?

"Oh. I forgot about that," pagsisinungaling ko ulit.

"Tsk." Pinitik lang ni Dana ng kanyang dila at nagsimula nang maglakad palabas ng host club. "Out na kami," anunsyo niya sa pumalit sa puwesto niya sa lamesa.

Kumaway lang din ako para magpaalam at tahimik siyang sinundan sa labas.

Buong akala ko ay tapos na siya sa pang-uusisa sa akin when he spoke once more, "Baka maidlip ka sa daan."

Lumingon ako sa kanya na para bang kababalik ko lang sa realidad. I glanced at his smirking face as he looked forward.

Was I really spacing out?

Hindi naman sa nagpapalusot ako pero, wala naman talaga akong iniisip... or it is safer to say that I only have one thing to keep thinking about that my mind is going blank as I keep on thinking about it.

Simula nung isang linggo ay paulit-ulit ko lang itong pinag-iisipan. It's annoying but... I keep thinking of what happened with my supposed to be hot night with a regular customer. And how it was indirectly interrupted by, yet again, Axel Wesley.

"Dan," I uttered, undecided if I should talk about this. Isn't this too embarrassing? But then I thought that there was no one I could ask about it. Again, I am not the friendly type. So, I only have a few people to talk about this. EJ from my convenience store part time job, Dan in the host club, and Kristoff the young vampire. With Kristoff out of the line dahil malapit siya kay Axel at... saksi rin siya sa gabing 'yun. I only have Dan and EJ, but EJ is too... normal for a conversation like this. I mean, it is normal. But no one knows that I work part time in a host club and that I am quite the liberated type. I maybe cold but I am not too dumb not to know how others see me as a hardworking kid who studies well and works well for his dream and freedom.

"Dan."

With the remaining option, I called Dan again.

"Ano nga? Kanina pa ako tango nang tango rito, oh," irritable niyang tugon.

Compared to everyone in the club, Dan is the most innocent but he is not dumb and naïve to not understand and respond properly to what I am about to ask him.

"I am just wondering... have you ever tried doing it with someone and not being able to make yours hard?"

Tumigil si Dan sa paglalakad saka lumingon sa akin.

"May girlfriend ka na ba?"

Oops. Hindi nga pala nila alam na may sideline ako sa mga regular ko.

Umiling-iling ako bilang sagot.

"Hm? So, kanino mo gi-ginawa 'yun?"

I slowly rolled my eyes to avoid his stares then said, "I did it with some random girl in the university."

"Akala ko ba wala kang kaibigan sa university mo?"

"I don't but... basta! Nangyari na lang." Mabilis kong pagputol. Now that I think of it, hindi na kailangan na malaman ni Dan ang buong detalye. "Ibigay mo na lang ang opinyon mo!" I demanded.

I desperately need an extra mind to realize something. Because what I have in mind right now is unfavorable for me.

"Ah... pa-pasensya na. Ano nga ulit 'yung tanong mo?"

Bumuga ako ng hangin. "Have you ever tried not being able to make yours hard in the middle of doing it?" I asked, rephrasing the question.

Natigilan ulit si Dan at nagbuntong-hininga. "Seryosong tanong ba 'yan?"

"Uh-huh."

"Iba talaga ang mga nararanasan niyo, ano?" sambit niya.

He must be referring to us, the hosts in the club. Hindi kasi katulad niya na nakatayo lang sa front desk buong shift ay nakakasalamuha kami ng iba't ibang tao. With different people with different personality around, we also kind of adapt them and thought that speaking our mind is not too bad. I myself thinks this way sometimes. Pero sadyang parte lang talaga ng personalidad ko ang pagiging tahimik. Because based on my experience before, being too popular brings nothing but trouble to me.

"Then, your answer is?" pangungulit ko.

"Hindi pa syempre. Hindi naman sa ang galing ko pero... dalawang beses pa naman ako naki-naki... nakipag-s*x kaya hindi rin kita gaanong matutulungan sa area na 'yan."

Ah. I already know that. But all I need is an opinion of some rational person. And Dan is a fit for it.

"Pero kung hindi ka natitigasan, hindi ba't malaking problema 'yan? E-ED? Naku!" Napatakip ng kanyang bibig si Dan. Mentioning Erectile Dysfunction in the red light district is like attending a royal ball wearing a dinosaur costume.

"Shh! Low down your voice," anas ko sa kanya saka siya hinila palapit sa akin. "It is not ED," paglilinaw ko.

"Eh, ganun. Bakit..."

"It was just one time when I tried doing it with that random girl. Then when we were preparing, you know, when she was blowing me..."

"Hindi effective? Baka naman hindi siya magaling," suhestiyon ni Dan.

Tinitigan ko lang siya ng diretso habang nakaguhit sa mukha ko ang mga katagang seryoso ako. How I wish it was the case. But Tasha is a pro in giving head.

"No. No, that's impossible she's a reg—I mean, she's said she's experienced so it's impossible."

"Pero paano kung nagsisinungaling siya?"

That is out of the question since Tasha is quite the pleasure expert.

"O baka naman distracted ka lang nung gabing 'yun? Baka may iba kang iniisip. Ah! Eto, eto, may ikukwento ako sa'yo. Hindi kami nag-s*x pero nahirapan din ako na matigasan." Dan excitedly exclaimed. Hindi na rin ako nagsalita at handa nang makinig. "May bago akong idol na live p*rn actress. Ilang gabi ko rin siya na sinusubaybayan kaso nung mga nakaraang araw nagiging madalang na ang pag-lilive niya hanggang sa huminto siya ng halos dalawang linggo."

"You're seriously talking..."

"Teka. Teka lang, hindi pa ako tapos," pangungulit niya na hinayaan ko na lang din, "'Yun nga, halos dalawang linggo rin siyang wala. Wala naman talagang kaso kasi busy rin ako pero isang gabi, hindi ko na talaga natiis. Naisipan ko na maghanap ng ibang live video na pwedeng... 'yung alam mo na..."

"Mast0rbate."

"Ah. Oo! Oo," he bashfully agreed. "Kaso hindi ako tinigasan. Kahit anong gawin ko hindi pa rin tumayo. Sinubukan ko na ang ibang videos pero wala pa rin."

"Then...?"

"Napagtanto ko lang na nangyari 'yun dahil hindi si Eva ang nasa screen."

And it hit me big time. "W-What do you mean?"

"Hm? Uh, sinasabi ko lang na si Eva ang type ko." I gave Dan a disgusted look. Not because the p*rn actress is his type but to the reason that his train of thoughts matches mine so perfectly. "Alam ko naman na matatagalan pa bago ako magkaka-girlfriend ulit at imposible na makakita ako ng kagaya ni Eva sa totoong buhay pero sa ngayon... si Eva na muna ang nagpapasaya sa akin."

I can't believe that Dan is this weird. But I also think that I am as weird for thinking of Axel while having s*x. He is not even my type.

"What if I was thinking of a guy?" The question unintentionally slipped off my mouth.

"Huh?" sabi ni Dan.

"Ah-I- I mean, as a guy... as a guy, would you consider the looks of the person? 'Yung ma-aattract ka ba sa kahit na sino basta maganda... e-even though that person is a man?"

Okay. Katapusan ko na, Natanong ko na ang dapat na hindi matanong.

"As a guy?" bulalas ni Dan na para bang pinuproseso ang kakaibang paraan ko ng pagtatanong. "Hey, sigurado ka ba na ayos ka lang?"

"Of course, I am," mabilis kong tanong.

Kumunot ang noo ni Dan habang tinititigan ako ng maigi. "Hmm. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ginagawa mo kasama ang mga random girls na tinutukoy mo, at hindi rin ako interesado. Pero kung may iba kang iniisip na tao, payo ko sa'yo, huwag ka na lang gumawa ng himala sa kahit na kanino."

Natigilan ako. "I don't have anyone in mind," depensa ko.

"Uh-huh. Sige ba, sabihin mo lang 'yan. Pero sa paraan ng pagka-tulala mo sa buong shift mo, hindi ako sigurado kung totoo ba ang sinasabi mo."

I never thought about it. It's just that I can't really see my own face while spacing out. Whatever I looked like, I'm afraid that the name Axel Wesley was written all over my face.

"Uy! Natahimik ka ata," pagtataka ni Dan, tumingin ako sa kanya. Then I saw him still wearing a curious face. "Pre, nanghuhula lang ako, ha. First ko kasi na makita ka na tulala at panay ang pagbuga ng hangin. Iniisip ko na baka dahil na naman iyan sa pera pero base sa tanong mo kanina at inaasta mo ngayon, mukhang babae nga 'yan."

Babae nga 'yan.

It would have been better if it was a woman.

I wonder if I should ask Dan about his thoughts of me liking another man. I wanted to open up but I am scared that other people's words will only bring me to the same conclusion I've been thinking for a while now.

"Dito na ako, Miller. See you bukas," paalam sa akin ni Dan na muntik ko nang hindi marinig.

Nagmadali akong lumingon sa kanya at nagtaas ng kamay, "S-Sure, see you."

As soon as I lost sight of Dan's back in the dark, I immediately breathed out.

"Is there anywhere I can go beside Axel's home?" Can't I just ignore the contract?

I know that I can't, especially when I remember the tiny text written at the back of the contact. Muntik ko nang hindi mabasa ang parteng 'yun ng kontrata. Buti na lang at nilipad ang papel habang nag-uusap kami.

Breach of Contract: Failure to provide services indicated will permit double the amount of the total revenue.

Ah. If it is just work, I don't mind. But this uneasy feeling is truly bothersome. Get a grip of yourself, Miller! Axel might be a beauty but he is a man.

For now, let's just go home habang nag-iisip ako sa daan kung paano siya iiwasan sa loob ng bahay niya na kami lang naman dalawa ang nakatira.