Vows

Waking up in the morning thinking that my husband, is reconciling with his paramour is killing me. The pain is suffocating, to the point that I often found myself staring at nowhere.

Crying becomes my armor.

Whenever I felt like it is already too heavy, it become my escape. It is not that actually bad. Naririnig ko noon na ang pag-iyak daw ay senyales ng pagiging mahina. That we should never cry for it meant being coward and weak. That’s hypocrisy. Crying should never be labeled as fragility. Para sa akin ay pagiging metatag iyon. We cried because we’re fighting. Struggling with the demons that goes around the circle. And I am crying for I made this far. Lumalaban ako at patuloy na lalaban.

“Pasok po muna kayo, Manong. Let’s eat.”

Agad na umiling si Manong Bernardo sa imbitasyon ko. "Ayos na ako rito, hija. Huwag mo na akong alalahanin. I-enjoy mo lang ang birthday party ng pamangkin mo.”

“Uh.. binyag po. Next year pa ang birthday niya.” ani ko, nangingiti.

Ngumuwi si Manong Bernardo. “Pagpasensiyahan mo na at matanda na ako, hija. Makakalimutin at bingi!” he said, chuckling.

“It’s fine po. Let’s head inside first and have our lunch. Baka matagalan po kasi ako at magutom kayo kakahintay.”

“Ikaw na lang ang pumaroon, hija. Wala lang naman sa akin kung magtatagal ka."

I stared at his face, debating whether to follow his words or insist my will.

"Sigurado po kayo? Ayos lang naman kung papasok kayo kasama ko at doon na lang ako hintayin sa loob."

He shook his head again. "Huwag mo akong alalahanin. Walang mangyayaring masama sa akin dito. At kung pagkain naman ang pag-uusapan, may pera ako sa bulsa. Bibili na lang kung sakaling magutom."

Bumuntonghininga ako. “Alright, Manong. Just don’t hesitate to follow me. Susubukan ko pong hindi magtagal sa loob." He smiled and nodded.

After bidding my goodbye, I went to my mother who’s patiently waiting for me outside the tall gate. Like me, she was also sad that Mang Bernardo refused to come with us. Aniya’y padadalhan na lang daw ng pagkain mamaya, na kinapanatag ng loob ko.
Sa mansyon nila kuya Tyrone ginanap ang binyag ng pamangkin ko. Kuya Tyrone’s family were there alongside with ours.

"Hindi mo na kami binibisita anak, kayo ni Zayd. Nagtatampo ang daddy mo.” sumbong niya habang nilalakad namin ang daan papasok.

"Gawa na lang ulit kayo ng kapatid namin para hindi na kayo malungkot, My.."

"That's hilarious, anak. Matanda na kami ng daddy mo, hindi ko na kayang mag buntis ulit."

"Who says you're old? You're young and very fresh! Bagets na bagets." I chuckled.

"Hmp, you're really a sweet talker!" She pinched my cheeks. "Though, I am already contented with you and your siblings. Nakakalungkot lang na kaming dalawa lang palagi ng daddy mo ang magkasama, but that's the reality of life. Tatanda kayo at magsisimulang bumuo ng sariling pamilya. Na tanging magagawa lang namin bilang isang magulang ay magbigay ng suporta."

Warmth spread through my heart hearing her sentiments. Niyakap ko si Mommy saka siya pinatakan ng halik sa noo.

"Mom you know we love you, right? Kahit hindi tayo madalas nagkakasama, hindi no'n mababawasan ang pagmamahal na mayroon ako sa inyo—namin!"

Her eyes drifted to my stomach and I saw how it brightened. "That's why there's no need for your father to impregnate me. I have my beautiful granddaughter from my first born, and yours. That's enough for us." I caresses my tummy and smiled at her widely.

"Parang kailan lang ayaw mong matali, anak. Akalain mo ngayong nagdadalang tao na?" She beamed. I was about to answer her when her brows furrowed, as if in deep thought. "Where is your husband? He won’t come?”

Nabura ang ngiti sa labi ko sa naging tanong niya. Kinurap ko ang sariling mata bago siya pilit na muling nginitan.

“Hahabol daw siya. May pipirmahan daw na mga papeles..” I simply answered. "By the way, Mom. Can you recommend names for your grandchild? Iyong kasing ganda ng anak niyo, huh." I laughed trying to divert the topic.

A triumphant smile appeared in my lips when she began uttering her unique names, that according to her.

"If you don't like Benelda then.. Amari Lizel or Eira Celeste for the girl! At kung lalaki naman, Juan Antonio.." ngumisi siya.

"Point taken, My! We'll consider your recommendations." Agad na sagot ko.

Lumawak ang ngiti niya. She leaned on my shoulder as we made our way to the garden. "Nga pala 'nak, kanina ka pa tinatanong sa akin nila Lilibeth, anak. Veronica too.”

"Wow, they’re here?” I asked, sounding excited. Because I am. Matagal ko na silang hindi nakikita. “I didn’t know that. Bakit hindi sinabi sa akin ni ate ‘to? She just called yesterday!”

Mommy laughed and caressed my arm. Hers was hooked around me.

“Maybe your sister is trying to surprise you?”

Sumimangot ako. “Eh, kahit na. I am not prepared. Siguradong marami silang itatanong!”

"Then answer them honestly. Is that a problem?"

Isang malalim na buntonghininga na lang ang pinakawalan ko. Pagkapasok namin sa loob ay napakaraming bisita. Mommy lead me to where our family is. I entertained myself with the crowd to somehow divert my attention. Si Ate Giselle at kuya Tyrone kasama si baby ay abala sa mga bisita. Mommy and kuya’s mother are with them too.

“Ilang buwan na ‘yang pinagbubuntis mo, Sofia?” tanong ni Vernonica, my cousin from my mother’s side.

We are sitting in the long table. Sa aking kaliwa ay si Lilibeth na kapatid niya, habang sa aking kanan ay si Veron. Zayd is here too. May sariling mundo kasama ang ilan sa kamag-anak ni Kuya Tyrone.

My mother has four siblings. All are residing outside the country. Si Veron at Lily ay sa labas rin ng bansa naninirahan. Veron is a lawyer while the latter's a fashion designer. Ang dalawa ito ang madalas umuwi ng bansa. Fluent with the native language. Makukulit at nagmistulang magkapatid kahit na magpinsan lang.

"Going three," I smiled at caress my bump.

Lily grinned wickedly. Dumukwang siya saka sinundot ang tiyan ko sanhi para pitikin ko ang kamay niya.

“Lily!” I hissed. Pinanlakihan siya ng mata.

She laughed. “Your baby bump is bulky, Sofia. ‘Di kaya kambal ‘yan?”

“What?” umawang ang labi ko, sinilip ang sariling tiyan.

I notice that my tummy is indeed big, like what she said. But isn’t it normal since I am pregnant?

“Wow, twins? That so cute, Sofi! Akin na ‘yong isa, ampunin ko!” Veronica added.

"Mine din ‘yong isa. Ayaw kong manganak.” Lily said, wiggling her brows.

“Kalma, hindi ‘to kambal. Natural na malaki ‘to, may laman eh.” I chuckled. “At kung totoo man, gumawa na lang kayo ng sarili niyo ‘no. Hindi ‘to pagkain na puwedeng hingin.

Lumapit pa si Veronica sa gawi ko.

“Believe in her, Sofi. Lilibeth foresees the future, you know. Hindi pa ‘yan nagkakamali.”

“The entitled queen, hmm.” Lily boasted. “Kidding aside. Where is your husband ba? Bakit hindi mo kasama?”

“Ah..” tumango ako, nag-iwas ng tingin. “Wala pa siya. Hahabol na lang daw, madami kasing trabaho.”

“Ows, wawa naman ang babe mo, Sofi. Working hard para sa family, deserve no’n ng kiss!” si Veronica.

“The twins are a proof that his  prize is not just a kiss Veron.” She playfully rolled her eyes. “What position ba ang dapat to produce babies?”

“Anong position?” Kunot noo kong binalingan ang dalawa.

“Duh, sex positons! Is it the cow girl style? Sixty nine? Doggy style? Thighs up? Or the spooning?"

"I like doggy style better. That’s my fetish!” Veronica giggled.

"Oh my god, same! But sixty nine is great too!"

"I have tried that with my client before, hmm.. not that bad. Hence, for me, the doggy style is incomparable, Lily. Anyway, that's just for me huh."

Nalaglag ang panga ko sa pagiging bulgar ng dalawa. Nilingon ako ni Lily, malisyosang nakangisi.

“So what nga, Sofia? I want to know!” Lily chirped.

“Akala ko ba ayaw mong magbuntis?”

“No nga. I’m asking in behalf of Veron. She’s next to be pregnant.”

“That’s not true. I am not curious kaya, still love my life.”

“What? I thought I am the best fortune teller?

"There's always an exemption to every rule. Even the rule that states that all rules have an exemption must have exemption or the rule is proven false. Under the Republic Act—"

Hindi natapos ang sasabihin sana ni Veronica ng bigla siyang pabirong sabunutan ni Lily. Nagtawanan ang dalawa. I laughed at them too, not letting the bitterness appeared in my face.

The three of us continued to talk. Kalaunan, dumating sa gawi namin sila ate together with her baby. Si Veronica ay agad na kinarga ang pamangkin ko habang ako'y kabadong-kabado nang subukang ibigay sa akin ni Veron si Laureen. The four ladies are laughing at me because of it.

“Pia you should learn how to carry infants. You are about to have one, huwag mong sabihing hindi mo aaluin ang magiging anak mo kapag umiiyak?” ate teased.

“She don’t need to learn, Giselle. Tig-isa kami ni Lily sa kambal niya..” dugtong ni Veron.

“I’ll have the girl,” Lilybeth responded.

Ate Giselle’s lips parted in awe. She glanced at my stomach and she gasped.

“Is it true, Pia? Kambal ang anak mo?!” she exclaimed.

I released an audible sigh, eyeing Veronica who seemed to be comfortable having baby Laureen in her arms.

“That’s just their guess, ate.”

“Did you have yourself checked? Your OB can tell if it is indeed a twins or not!”

“Yes, but still impossible from my previous checks up. Titignan ko ngayong sabado, baka matukoy na ng doctor ko.” Hinawakan ko ang maliit na kamay ni baby saka iyon pinaglaruan.

I saw her smiled when our gaze locked. My heart warmed seeing it. “Hi there, princess..” I murmured and lovely caress her cheeks.

“I am sure of that, Sofia. Kambal ‘yan sinasabi ko sa’yo.” Lily said with conviction.

“Oh my, Lilibeth! Magdilang anghel ka sana. Mommy will be glad if it is true!”

Napapailing na lang ako sa usapan ng mga pinsan at kapatid ko. The remaining time, I played with my niece and with my cousin. Sinigurado kong may pagkain si Manong Bernardo habang naghihintay sa akin. Although, I don’t intend to stay longer.

Lumipas ang minuto na nasa lamesa lang ako. Paminsan-minsang umaalis sila Lily at Veronica, na agad bumabalik. It was after eating my dessert, I excused myself for I am in need of bathroom. I didn’t disturb my sister or even Mom and went inside the mansion instantly.

“Uh, Miss..” I called the attention of the maiden with a tray in her hand. Pareho kaming papasok, siya ay may dalang tray.

“Yes po, Ma’am?” magiliw na sagot nito.

“Can I asked where is the comfort room?”

“Ay, dito po Ma’am,”

I smiled at her and followed her lead. The maid guided me to where the bathroom and is, which I am very grateful.

“Thank you. I’m sorry I’ve disturb your work.”

Ngumiti ito. “Wala po ‘yon, M’am. Kung may tanong pa kayo, huwag po kayong mahihiya. Hindi man sa akin, kahit sinon sa amin dito na nag tatrabaho.” I nodded my head, smiling at her. When she was gone from my sight, that’s when I went inside.

Pagkatapos sa banyo, agad akong bumalik sa garden. Kumunot ang aking noo nang mapansin ang nanunuksong tingin ng dalawang kasama ko.

“Pogi ng husband mo, Sofia. May kapatid ba ‘yan?” Lily asked all of the sudden.

“Huh?” I asked in dazed.

“He’s one hell of a hottie, huh. Qualified to become a model, i-recruit ko kaya?” she added.

“Lily, basta talaga pogi lumilinaw ang mata mo ‘no?” Veron’s eyes turned into slit.

“Well..” she shrugged.

“A-Anong.. sinasabi niyo?” naguguluhan kong tanong . 

Lily pointed something behind me, making my head turn. Halos lumuwa ang mata ko nang makita si Chaz na nakusap si daddy. My lips parted, astonished seeing Chaz in his three-piece suit.

“Oh don’t just drool. Go to him before Veron could get him. Mahirap na at ahas pa naman ‘to.”

“Lilibeth Maria!”

Humalakhak lang si Lily saka ako halos ipagtulakan na patugo sa kinaroonan nila daddy. Sinamahan lako ng dalawa na makalapit sa lamesa nila daddy saka basta na lang iniwan.

Napasimangot ako. Nagtagpo ang tingin namin ni tita Jinky, pilit kong maging pormal lalo pa nang punain
niya ang presensya ko.

“Sofia come here," she said smiling from ear to ear.

Pumanhik paharap si Chaz at nagtagpo ang tingin namin. He cleared his throat before taking a step forward, hugging my waist with his broad shoulder and facing the elders with cool.

"Again, my apologies for coming here late. As much as I want to be with my wife, there are important papers that's needs my immediate signature."

"Business matters are really hard to neglect. We understand your sentiments, hijo. Napagdaanan na rin namin 'yan." Natatawang ani ng isa sa mga matatanda roon. Basta ang alam ko ay kaibigan ito ng magulang ni Kuya Tyrone.

The elders seemed to be so fond of him, lalo na iyong namamahal ng kani-kanilang negosyo. Bibong-bibo namang sinasagot ni Chaz ang bawat tanong ng matatanda na tilaw aliw na aliw. We stayed there for an hour with Chaz conversing with them, and me just sitting beside him. Paminsan-minsan din namang sinasali ako sa usapan nila tita Jinky.

It's just.. Chaz was so good at acting in front of them. Acting sweet and all that a husband will do to his wife. Putting a food in my plate, sniffing my hair like how he used to do before, putting his arms behind my back. It made me think going here is a blessing in disguise. Kung ganito pala siya umakto kapag may ibang tao, sana pala.. madalas kaming lumabas. Sana, marami pang selebrasyon ang dadating.

We were like that, until we decided to left the venue. Si Veron at Lily ay nangakong uuwi kapag anak ko na ang bibinyagan. They even asked me to get them as godmother's.

I was even sad when we're about to leave. I still want to felt Chaz' touch and embrace, but then I know.. everything has an end.

"Chaz..” I started. "Magpupunta ulit ako bukas sa doctor, baka.. gusto mong sumama?”

We were having a dinner the day after the Christening and this is one of those nights that I am thankful having him around.

"We’ll learn the gender of our baby tomorrow. I’m excited and, yeah.. nervous.” I chucked.

Chaz nodded his head without glancing at me. My chest hurt, but I still give him a smile.

"Hmm, how many kids do you want us to have, love?" I asked, cheerfully. “Ako, I want maximum of three. Sana boy itong first baby natin para maging kamukha mo. But you know, what? Lily said they are twins. Malaki raw
kasi ang tiyan ko.”

Napansin ko ang pagtigil niya. Pasaring niya akong tiningnan pero agad ding binalik sa hapag.

“Ewan ko nga sa kanila, binobola lang yata ako. It’s normal to have this round stomach since I am pregnant, and not to mention I’m fond of foods these past months. Ikaw sa tingin mo, kambal kaya itong anak natin?”

“Finish your food, Grace.”

“Eh, answer me muna!” pangungulit ko pa. Lumipat ako ng upuan, tumabi sa kaniya. “Ilang anak ba ang gusto mo?”

“Hindi mo pa ginagalaw ang pagkain mo, ubusin mo na ‘yan.” Supladong aniya.

Napasimangot ako. Binalingan ang pinggan na may tira pang ilang gulay.

“Ano nga? I want three but if you want more, then we’ll have more than three children. Remember when Mommy Salvacion said she wants a lot of babies from us? Sigu—"

Natigilan ako nang basta na lang niyang sinubo sa akin ang lettuce. My eyes widen.

“Shut up. You’re too loud.” He hissed.

I don’t have other choice but to eat the annoying grass. “I just want to know.” I murmured, in the midst of chewing.

Masama ang loob dahill sa lasa ng gulay. I fight the urge to puke, because I know Chaz will be mad. Pikit mata kong nilunok ang pagkain.

“I’m turning 29 this year. Don't you think two years gap of age is suitable? We are not getting any younger. Gusto kong masubaybayan ang paglaki nila hanggang sa mag kapamilya." I said nonchalantly. Imagining the future years with them. That will be a pure bliss!

"The life inside your tummy is enough. How much more if they are two?"

My smile faded with his remarks. Chaz put his spoon down and wipe the side of his lips using the table napkin. He then rose from his seat without breaking our eye contact.

"Instead of fussing with insignificant things, mind your own health. Keep in mind that you must deliver my child safe and healthy." He said, eyeing me and to my plate. "Eat up. I’m done.”

This side of him, isn’t foreign to me. Kung tutuusin ay araw-araw kong nararanasan ang pagiging malamig niya. Ang marinig ang masasakit niyang salita, pagkagayunman, nasasaktan pa rin ako.

Bilang isang babae. At bilang isang ina.

When my doctor confirmed Lilibeth’s assumption about my child, I was beyond ecstatic. It didn’t really crossed my mind that I’ll be having twins. At kahit hindi sabihin ni Chaz ay ramdam kong masaya rin siya sa nalaman. He’s been observing the ultrasound result ever since my doctor gave it to us.

“Gusto ko ng ice cream, Chaz.” basag ko sa katahimikan habang palabas kami ng hospital.

"Okay. I’ll buy one for you." He said, a ghost of smile etched on his handsome face.

“Hmm.. saka ano rin, uh.. manggang hilaw at.. cupcake. Ubos na kasi ang stock sa bahay."

“Hmm. You’ll have your mango and cupcakes once we got home.” Agad na sagot niya. Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi sa galak.

Walang mapaglagyan ang kasiyahan ko kaya hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay at umalis siya ay kahit paano’y hindi ako nalungkot. Before Chaz left for work, he made sure I have the foods I craved.

I put the ultrasound result in a frame and place it at our night stand. Sa katabi no’n ay ang litarato namin nang kasal. I was so happy that I find myself sharing the news to my parents.

"Really, anak? Kambal ang apo ko?” tanong ni Mommy.

I called her while eating. I am in the balcony, enjoying the soft blow of wind and the foods.

“Yes, Mom. ‘Di po kaya mahirap silang ilabas?”

I heard her laughs. “Dear, it will be hard of course. Walang nanganak na hindi nahihirapan."

I nodded my head, like she's just in front of me. Tama naman siya. Walang madali sa pagluluwas ng sanggol.

"I want to have a normal delivery Mommy. I want to feel them. Alam kong masakit iyon, pero para naman ‘to sa mga anak ko..”

“Oh sure you will, anak. My daughter is a fighter. Sa mga criminal nga hindi umaatras, sa panganganak pa kaya?”

I chuckled and bite the mango. The bitter taste invaded my mouth making me close my eyes.

“Salva will be glad knowing this! Tinawagan mo na ba siya, 'nak?”

Kumuha pa ako ng isang slice saka  sinawsaw sa icing ng cake.

“Not yet, Mom. I plan to visit them soon. Siguro saka ko na lang sasabihin sa kanila.”

Nagpatuloy kami sa pag-uusap ni Mommy hanggang sa kinailangan na niyang magpaalam. I remained in the balcony and contacted ate Giselle and Jenny too. While I messaged Lily and Veron on Instagram. Like Mom, they were pleased hearing the news, especially Lily.

When I finished a bowl of slice mango, and four cupcakes, I went to the kitchen and washed the utensils. Manang Remmy is out to buy groceries with Manong Bernardo leaving me alone in the manor.
Nakakalungkot ang katahimikan ng bahay, but I have to endured it. Ilang buwan na lang rin naman at makakabalik na ako sa trabaho.

Pabalik na ako sa taas nang biglang tumunog ang telepono na nagkokonekta sa dalawang nagbabantay sa labas. Whenever someone’s attempting to enter the house, the guard would call first to asked permission. Muli akong bumaba para sagutin ito.

“Ma’am! Si Berting po ‘to, ipapaalam lang sanang may lalaki ritong nagpupumilit na pumasok. Pinaalis na naming lahat pero hindi pa rin natitinag. Kakilala niyo raw.”

"Who’s he? Did he spill his purpose?” I asked, confused.

“Nagpakilalang Harry, Ma’am. Nais daw po kayong makausap.”

Hearing his name, my mood suddenly turned sour. I don't want to see his face, that's a yes. As he will just remind me of my painful reality. But still, I entertained him. Siguro kasi, umaasa pa rin akong sa oras na makita niyang magkakaanak kami ng lalaking kaniyang pinapantasya, ay titigil na siya..

"I am kind enough to let you in so better go direct to the point. What do you need, Harry?"

Nilibot nito ang paningin sa loob ng bahay, habang ako ay nanatiling nakaupo.

"This is supposed to be our place. Sa katunayan, kaming dalawa ang nagdesinyo ng bahay na ‘to, kasi nga kaming dalawa naman ang titira.” Harry stopped and glance at me, smirking. “You see, I was even here before, natigil lang nang kumuha kayo ng kasambahay. But, it’s fine.. nagkikita pa rin naman kami.”

I tried so hard to maintain my stoic face despite the fact that I am deeply affected. Nagkikita pa rin sila?

“Hay, sayang talaga itong bahay na ‘to. You know, I do not intend to stay here knowing a bitch like you was here before. That’s eww!” pumilantik ang kaniyang daliri bago padabog na naupo sa aking harapan.

“Did you came here just to brag about this house? Well to tell you, Harry.. kahit ikaw pa ang pinangakuang ibabahay, ako pa rin ang nakatuluyan. Ngayon kung iyon lang ang dahilan nang pagpunta mo rito, makakaalis ka na.” I cocked my head to side, pointing to where the door is.  

I saw him rolled his eyes.

“Saka isa pa, kailangan naming magpahinga ng mga anak ko. Wala akong oras para sa kalokohan mo, Harry.”

“Oh yeah, the pregnant bitch.” He said, and my eyes widen. “It’s not a surprise you got pregnant since you’re a whore. Chaz has a needs as a man, and I wasn’t there for him. Pero sabihin ko lang sa’yo, what happened between you two is pure sex. Huwag mong kakalimutang ako pa rin ang mahal niya. Ina ka lang ng anak niya.”

Pinigilan ko ang tumayo at sugurin siya. I am not a violent person. And I am sure he came here expecting me to be one but I won’t give him the satisfaction. Kaya naman kahit nasasaktan na ay pinilit kong ngumiti sa kaniya.

"It is not just sex, that’s making love. Hindi lang isang beses may nangyari sa amin, Harry. Naulit 'yon at naulit, sino ka ba para sabihing sex lang 'yon?" I gritted my teeth, glaring at him.

He laughed. "That’s shit. There is no such thing as love, because clearly Chaz is in love with me. You know that. Stop fooling yourself.”

That was a blow. I felt insulted, so much that I failed to say a word or two for a minute.

"Masiyado ka nang nag-eenjoy sa set-up niyo, ah. May I remind you, Chaz Theo is my boyfriend. Whatever's going on right now, that was part of our plan. If him becoming too sweet, that is just his way of luring you. You know Mama Salvacion, is dying.." he rolled his eyes. "And you happened to be the only choice he got to mend her. To make the story short, you are just like a pawn. An instrument, and nothing special."

Suminghap ako. Kumuyom ang dalawang kamao sa tindi ng emosyon.

"Imbento ka. I know Chaz love—"

"Bitch, you're not living in a fairytale. There is no fucking way Chaz will dare to love you, ilusyunada!"

"Stop addressing me that way! May pangalan ako. At sa ating dalawa, 'di hamak na ikaw ang illusyunada! You home wrecker!" I hissed angirly. Irritated that he cut me off and called me names.

He laughed as if what I said something funny. "I don’t care about your name. And oh, please.. don't use that card on me. That will never fucking work!"

Nagulat ako ng bigla siyang tumayo at may hinagis na brown envelope sa lamesang pumapagitna sa amin.

"Keep your copy and prepare yourself." He spat. "Para ipalam ko sa'yo pirmado na 'yan ni Chaz kaya pagkatapos na pagkatapos mong manganak, uuwi kang luhaan. You'll live your life in disarray." Isang irap ang pinakawalan niya bago tumalikod at diretsong tinahak ang daan palabas. Habang naiwan akong nagpupuyos ang damdamin.

Tumayo ako at hindi nag-abalang tignan ang laman ng envelope na 'yon. I put it somewhere secluded, where I won't be tempted to even take a peak. I don't want to acknowledge or even confirm my theory. For that will certainly shattered me.

However, his last words hit me like a lightning. At paunti-unti, tinotoo nga ni Harry ang sinabing gagawing impyerno ang buhay ko sa paraang alam niya. He indeed made my life in disarray, using Chaz. He become more aloof and ruthless. May mga araw na hindi ako pinapansin at mga gabing hindi umuuwi.

Masakit sa parte ko lalo pa sa isipang kasama niya si Harry. That man, is doing pretty well destroying our marriage.

Isang gabi, umuwi si Chaz nang madaling araw. Natulugan ko ang kakahintay sa kaniya kagabi para sana sa pinabiling prutas. Nagising na lang nang maramdaman kong hinahaplos niya ang tiyan ko.

“Chaz, ang baho mo.” I murmured and push him.

Rinig ko ang buntonghininga niya pero agad ding nahiga sa tabi ko. Tumagilid ako nang higa at mabigat ang pakiramdam na pinagmasdan siya. His eyes are closed, breathing heavily and lips parted.

“We.. were waiting for you..” I said weakly. “Nakabili ka ba ng pinapabili ko?”

I didn’t asked his whereabouts, as I don’t think I can stomach his probable answer.

“I..” I noticed his adams apple moved. “yeah, it’s in the refrigerator. You can have if after breakfast.”

I remained staring at him, feeling the familiar grief. He suddenly tilted his head, facing me this time. Gamit ang braso ay ginawa niya iyong unan. Nagkatinginan kami. Hinayaan kong makita niya ang sakit sa mga mata ko. Hinayaan kong mabasa niya ang paghihirap sa mga ito.

"I am trying so hard to fix this marriage, but you.. you kept on pushing me away." Matamaan kong sinabi. "You are always seen in a night club, drinking with your friends, like I wasn’t here. As if you’re not married at all.”

Katulad ng kaniyang gusto ay hindi na ako lumalabas ng bahay. The last time was when I attended the Christening of my niece and he was there too later on. Sila Mommy na ang pumupunta rito para bisitahin ako, maging si Jenny.

“What happened to us, Chaz Theo? What is happening to you?" I asked, staring into his eyes.

"There is no us, Grace."

I felt how his words pierce through me like million daggers. It hurts so damn much.

“I know my fault, and I’m sorry. Babawi na lang ako sa susunod.” He said and moved. This, time his back were on the mattress of the bed, facing the ceiling.

Babawi..

Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses kong narinig ang salitang iyon mula sa kaniya. Hihingi siya ng tawad, at sasabihing babawi na kailanman ay hindi niya tinupad. Regardless of that fact, I still find myself being swayed by it. Muli akong naniwala at nagpatangay sa salita niyang walang kasiguraduhan.

I was fine doing that. I am so good concealing the pain every time he would break another promise. I thought I was contented with his very little attention and broken promises.. akala ko lang pala.

“Sofia thank God you’re awake, hija!” boses ni Mommy Salvacion ang unang narinig ko nang sandaling magmulat ako ng mata.

My brows furrowed seeing the white ceiling, hearing the sound of machine, the smell of alcohol. Disoriented, I observed the people I am with. Confusion downed into me seeing Mommy Salvacion face lace with worry. Nakatayo siya sa aking tabi, nakadungaw sa akin. My own mother is there too, even Daddy Rodolfo. Si Mommy ay nasa may paanan ng kamang kinahihigaan ko.

“Sandali Salvacion, tatawag ako ng doctor!” it was my Mom, as if in the state of panic.

“Hija, anong nararamdaman mo? May masakit ba sa’yo? Water do you want? Mommy Salvacion went near me and held my hand.

Hindi ko mahanap ang sariling boses at pilit inaalala kung bakit ako nasa sitwasyong ito. Kung bakit ako nasa hospital.

“Hon, here water.” Lumapit si daddy Rodolfo sa aming gawi saka binigay kay Mommy ang dalang baso na naglalaman ng tubig.

“Rodolfo, she didn’t say she want it. Ibalik mo ‘yan.”

“This is for you, honey.” natatawang anito. “Calm down, okay? Our daughter is fine, can’t you see?”
Mom glared at him, making dad chuckled.

“Rodolfo, we almost lost my precious grandchildren! Paano ako kakalma?”

Dad scratched his nape. He looked at me and his lips protruded.

“They are now out of harm, tho. Your grandchildren are safe, it’s time for you to rest. Hindi ka pa nagpapahinga simula nang dumating tayo rito.”

“Kaya ko pa. Huwag mo akong gawing lampa, ha. Hindi ako katulad mong uugod-ugod na!” Mom snap before turning her attention to me.

I saw how Dad’s lips parted. Nakatingin siya kay Mommy na ngayon ay nakangiti na sa akin, asking me what I want and that.

“Don’t mind your dad, hija. He’s exaggerating.” she caressed my hand. “Ah, your husband is currently talking with your doctor together with Franciss.”

Then I remember the reason why I am here. Ginagap ko ang sariling tiyan, malaking ginhawa ang naramdaman na walang nangyari sa kanilang dalawa.

"Don't worry, hija. Ligtas ang kambal. Dininig ng Diyos ang dasal natin."

Relief washed through me hearing it. Pinikit ko ang sariling mga mata para bumawi ng lakas. I heard the door opened, followed by voices. Kahit nang lapitan ako ng doctor para suriin ay wala akong imik, pinanatiling nakapikit ang mga mata. I felt weak with all of the happenings. I can’t help but to blame myself. I was reckless. Kung sana hindi na lang ako nagpumilit na hintayin si Chaz. Hindi na ako nadala.

A sudden touch of my hand startled me. I doze off to sleep without me knowing. I opened my eyes and saw Chaz, sitting beside me holding my right hand. Nakatungo ito tila tulog. Inilibot ko ang paningin sa buong lugar at doon ko natantong kaming dalawa na lang ang nasa loob at wala na ang mga magulang namin.

Pilit kong kinukuha ang sariling kamay sanhi upang mag-angat siya ng tingin.

“Hey..” paos na aniya.

“Anong ginagawa mo rito?” I asked coldly.

“Grace..” he said in a soft voice. As if trying to soothes me.

"Lumabas ka, Chaz."

Chaz blinked his eyes, tila hindi inaasahang iyon ang lalabas sa bibig ko.

"No.. no.. please.. hear me out." 

"You heard me. Lalabas ka, o ako ang aalis?" due to our distance, I saw him gulped.

“Dito lang ako, Grace.. hindi na ako aalis.” Iling niya.

"Ngayon pa? Ngayon pa kung kailan tapos na?" Pagak akong natawa. "Chaz.. my babies, I-I almost lost my angels, pero nasaan ka? Naroon, nagsasaya sa putang-inang party na inakala kong emergency!”

No matter how hard I tried to convince myself not to cry, I still felt how tears cascade down my face. Ramdam ang pag-iinit nang magkabilang sulok ng mgata. I am very emotional, and this happened. Bumalik sa alaala ko ang ginawa niyang pag-alis kagabi. Ang paghintay ko ng ilang oras, dahil umasa ako. Umasa ako sa salita niyang hindi magtatagal at agad na babalik.

"I am sorry, Grace. Please, let me explain." He tried to catch my hand but I jerked his off. I saw how my movement pained him. He swallowed hard and nodded. "I was wrong leaving you last night. Forgive me..."

"Ayan ka naman, e! Chaz hindi ka ba nagsasawa kakahingi ng tawad? Kasi ako sawang-sawa na! Nakakasawang pakinggan ‘yang sorry mo pero sa huli umuulit ka pa rin!”

Sumikip ang dibdib ko habang inaalala ang sakit na dulot ng pinagbabawal nilang relasyon.

"A-Ano bang nangyayari sa'yo ha? Kailan ka ba titino? Hihintayin mo pa bang mawala kami para lang.. mapagtanto mong mahalaga rin kami sa buhay mo?"

He bowed his head, brushing his finger into his hair. I heard him muttering curses pero hanggang doon na lang yon, hindi na nag-abalang lakasan ang boses.

“Paano kung wala sila Manang? P-Paano kung..” I sobbed, my desperate calls echoed in my mind just for them to save us. “Y-You promised, Chaz. You promised to protect us, but you’re always ending up throwing me under the bus!”

Bumilis ang paghinga ko, pinagmamasdan siyang nakayuko. Wala akong narinig na sagot mula sa kaniya na tila tinatanggap ang mga sumbat ko.

"Lumalaban ako para bigyan ng kompletong pamilya ang mga anak mo, pero Chaz.. napapagod rin ako, eh." Tears continue to flaw. "You're being unfair. A-Ako ang asawa mo. Ako.. pero bakit pakiramdam ko, ako ang kabit sa relasyong ito? Ni katiting na atensyon ay kailangan ko pang limusin mula sa'yo, samantalang isang tawag lang ng baklang 'yon..." I nibbled on my lower lip as I felt myself breaking.

"I'm sorry, Grace. P-Patawarin mo 'ko.." parang iyon lang ang alam niyang salita at patuloy itong sinasambit.

I frustratedly wiped my tears and stared at him. "That word... is meant for another chance. To repent and, reflect. That you will never do the same mistake again, but look at yourself. Puro ka lang salita. You are not learning, lumala ka eh."

I am too feed up. Ginawa ko naman ang lahat. Ako ang nasa tabi niya, pero bakit kulang pa rin? Kahit masakit matitiis ko, pero itong muntikan nang mawala sa akin ang kambal, ibang usapan na.

"Wala kang kwenta, Chaz Theo."

His shoulder suddenly moved. Despite of my tears, I felt how my eyes widen. Is he crying?

“I-I am, Grace, I won’t deny that cuz you’re right. Wala talaga akong kwenta.” He lifted his head, and my tears fell more seeing him weeping. "I am irresponsible. Leaving you alone late at night for my own personal reasons."

I take a fortifying gulp as I felt another batch of tears forming in the corner of my eyes. The scene in front of me is too much. Ang makita siyang tumatangis ay lalo lamang nagpabigat sa aking dibdib.

"You are in plight because of me. A bastard and opportunist. Do I even deserve to have you and the twins?" he shook his head. “I don’t.”

Gusto kong kastiguhin ang sarili na sa kabila ng lahat, may kung anong nag-uudyok sa akin hapitin siya at patahanin. I wanna wipe his tears. Embrace him and share his pain.

Funny right?

Ako na nga itong nasasaktan dahil sa kaniya. Ako pa rin ang talo sa huli. Ako pa rin ang nahihirapang makita siyang nagdurusa.

"I am an asshole and I don’t deserve to be with you and our children. I don't deserve to be their father. Believe me I don’t.” suminghap siya. “I have caused you hell. I have heard your cries and chose to be deaf of it. I am the reason of your havoc, ruined your life and even someone’s."

I felt his soft hands touch my cheeks.

"Grace, know that I am hurting seeing you in pain. Hindi rin ako masaya nakikita kan—"

Hindi ko pinatapos ang sasabihin niya. Hinawakan ko ang palapulsuhan niya at binaba iyon sanhi nang pag-awang ng kaniyang mapupulang labi.

"If I am not making you happy then let's end this. Chaz, nagkakasakitan na lang tayo rito. I love you, yes. But your love is for someone else." Muling tumulo ang mga luha ko.

I don't want to. I want to be with him. But if staying means putting my children in danger, then...

"You might be sick hearing this from me, but again..Forgive me, for I keep my vows to stay with you." From my blurry eyesight, he shook his head. "I'm sorry, wife. But I will never let you go."