Mass

‘Then ikaw na lang ang magbigay sa kaniya ng anak.’

Napapikit ako nang muli kong maalala ang sinabing iyon ni Jenny. Sa lahat ng mga sinabi niya kagabi, iyon lamang ang tumatak sa isip ko. Sinakop nito ang lahat ng parte sa utak ko!

Nagpangalumbaba ako sa lamesa, umuusok pa ang tinimpla kong kape sa harapan. I was still in my condo unit with Jenny’s words that seems like a nightmare. Now, I’m afraid to face Chaz. My mind were tainted! And that.. thing..

I groaned. Ngayon ko lang naisip iyon! Sure, I’m not that innocent when it comes to sex, but heck I didn’t have the experience yet! I only know some since Drake’s friends was too open about it back when we were still going out.

But it was almost a year ago. I got preoccupied with my work that it didn’t crossed my mind even for a second. Ngayon lang kung hindi pa sinabi iyon ni Jenny. Even when Chaz and I got married, I didn’t think about it since I know it will never happen.

Napailing ako saka huminga nang malalim bago sumimsim sa kape. Katatapos ko lang maligo at nakasuot na ngayon ng maluwag na t-shirt at short. My wet hair is in a messy bun. Mamaya pa ako uuwi, maaga pa naman. Seven in the morning.

My eyes narrowed at my finger. Wala na ang band aid doon. I removed it earlier when I had my shower. I put the cup down and let my other finger traced the ring I’m wearing.

Similar to the heirloom-inspired solitaire, this white solitaire ring is flanked by diamond side stones and set in a yellow gold. It’s pretty. And I don’t have any idea who bought this ring. Basta ang alam ko, hindi si Chaz. Hindi siya bibili ng singsing na ako lang din ang gagamit.

Natigilan ako nang may nag doorbell. I left what I was doing and went to my door. The person behind seems to be impatient. Sunod-sunod ang ginagawang pagpindot ng doorbell na tila inip na inip.

“Wait!” I shouted.

Wala akong inaasahang bisita ngayong ganito kaaga. Sino naman kaya ito?

Nasagot ang katanungan ko nang sandaling buksan ko ang pinto. Umawang ang labi ko nang mabungaran si Chaz. The right hand is on the waist, while the left were on the air as if attempting to press my doorbell again.

“A-Anong ginagawa mo rito?” gulantang kong tanong, nanlaki ang mga mata.

His jaw clenched. Veins popping and dark squinted eyes. “Sinusundo ka.” he said and step closer.

I panicked. Sinubukan niyang pumasok pero mabilis kong tinulak ang pinto pasara. Nagsalubong ang kilay ni Chaz.

“Hindi mo man lang ba ako papasukin?”

“H-Hindi.” I gulped and averted my gaze away from him.

Hindi ako mapakali. Para rin akong may ginawang kasalanan at hindi siya matingnan ng diretso.

“U-Uuwi ako! Hintayin mo na lang ako sa bahay!”

Chaz step forward despite of my response. “Why is that?” he asked with brows creased.

“Kasi gusto ko lang! Umalis ka na at magkita na lang tayo sa bahay! May gagawin pa ako!”

I secretly touch my chest. It’s beating in a foreign beats. Mabilis iyon na tila may nagkakarera sa loob ko.

“I have my own car, too. Kaya kong umuwi nang hindi mo sinusundo!”

“Open the door and let me in. I’ll wait for you inside.” he insisted.

My eyes rounded. I shook my head aggressively.

“Dito mo na lang ako hintayin! I’ll just get my things.” I slammed the door closed to his face.

Sumandal ako sa pinto habang pinapakalma ang sarili. Patuloy akong huminga nang malalim.

Calm down, Sofia.. Calm down.

I blows a loud breath and finally found the strength to move my feet. Binalikan ko ang sariling gamit sa kwarto. A wave of sadness hit me as I watch my own room. I’ll longed for this place, certainly. Parang ang hirap iwanan ang bahay kong ‘to. Isang gabi lang ang nilagi ko rito, pero gusto ko na lang na dito na tumira.

Anywhere, away from him..

I left my bedroom with a heavy heart. I finish first my coffee, wash the cup before leaving my condo unit. Chaz was pacing back and fort when I opened the door. However, he stop when I appeared in front of him.

“Eighteen minutes. You made me wait for that long, Miss Perez.” supladong salubong niya sa akin.

“’Di sana nauna ka na lang umuwi. You’re not obligated to wait for me, anyway.” I answered and closed the door behind.

He clenched his jaw. Hindi niya ako sinagot. I walked passed him. Umaasa akong hindi ko siya makakasabay, pero sino ang niloko ko? Hindi pa man ako nakakadalawang hakbang, naramdaman ko na ang presinsya niya sa tabi ko.

“I suppose you had the peace that you yearned overnight. It’s time to go back to reality, woman.”

“It’s not enough actually. I can only have my peace if I’m not seeing your face.”

“Then I’m not sorry for ruining your peace. Araw-araw mong makikita ang mukha kong ‘to, you’ll get used to it someday.”

I snorted. Binilisan ko lalo ang lakad sa pag babaksakaling makalayo ako sa kaniya, pero sa huli.. natagpuan ko pa rin ang sarili sa loob ng elevator, kasama siya. I straightened my back, gazing in front. Matikas na nakatindig si Chaz sa tabi ko, naramdaman ko ang paminsan-minsan nitong paglingon sa gawi ko.

The silence is creeping me out. Hindi rin ako mapakali. Nag-isip ako ng maaring pag-usapan dahil sa unang pagkakataon.. hindi ko makayanan ang katahimikan sa pagitan naming dalawa.

“How did you know that I was here?” Tumikhim ako.

“I called your brother.” he simply responded

“And?” I looked at him with a question painted on my face.

Chaz tilted his head before giving me a response. “And I asked where your condo is. I almost mistook that young boy as someone who’s not related to you. Masunurin at hindi palatanong.”

Napapikit ako. Zayd.. Zayd. I should’ve teach him a lesson yesterday. My little brother is now taking sides, huh.

“Sinasabi mo bang hindi ako masunurin?”

Namulsa siya habang nanatiling pinagmamasdan ako.

“What do you want to hear? Do you want me to sugarcoat my answer?”

“You didn’t expect me to your be your dog, are you?” I rolled my eyes.

Chaz smirked. “Dogs are lovely pet. If I were to choose between you and a puppy, I would chose the latter.”

I gritted my teeth in annoyance.

“Hindi lahat ng pagkakataon masusunod ang anumang gustuhin mo. At sa trabahong mayroon ako, hindi talaga maiiwasan ang lagi kong pagtatanong.” I shifted on my weight.  "Now, I’m not sorry. You will experience this trait and habit I possess. You’ll get used to it someday.” I said, mimicking his words.

The lift open and I left him there. I want him to realize that not all the time, and not because we have the resources, we’ll get everything that we desire. Na laging tayo ang tama at masusunod. Man should adjust. The same goes with woman. We should treat our partners equally.

I can hear Chaz footsteps from my back. As I was approaching my car, his voice echoed in the basement of the condominium building.

“Pupunta tayo sa bahay ng mga magulang ko. It will be suspicious if we’ll go with a separate car."

Natigilan ako. “Bakit hindi ko alam ‘to? You could’ve informed me yesterday!”

“Kung sana umuwi ka kahapon, hin—”

“There’s a telephone, Chaz! You could’ve at least text or call me!” I shouted.

I can almost hear my heartbeat. Because of fear? I am not sure this time. I just know that maybe.. Mommy Salvacion will personally asked me to..

“I was about to, but I didn’t have the chance. Pinatayan mo ako ng tawag kahapon bago ko pa man masabi sa’yo. And when I tried to reach you again, unattended. Tell me if it still my fault.” paghamon niya.

Napipilian ako. Tinikom ko ang sariling bibig dahil may punto siya. Naalala kong pinatay ko nga pala ang tawag kahapon maging ang sariling cellphone.

Huminga ako nang malalim. “Let’s stop on the house first. I need to do my thing.”

I didn’t wait for his next words and hop in my car abruptly. Sinuot ko ang seatbelt at mula sa side view mirror, nakita kong nasa gano’n pa rin siyang posisyon. Isang busina ang ginawa ko bago tuluyang pinaandar ang sasakyan palayo sa lugar.

On my way, I was preparing myself emotionally, and mentally. Sana lang ay mali ang akala ko. Sa oras na sa bibig na mismo manggaling ni Mommy Salvacion ang kaniyang kondisyon para magpagamot.. I don’t think I can stomach disappointing her.

Si Manang Remmy ang sumalubong sa akin pagkarating ko ng bahay.

“Santisima! Mabuti na lang at narito ka na, hija. Nagkita na ba kayo ng asawa mo? Aba’y kahapon pa ‘yon alalang-alala sa’yo! Kulang na lang ipahalughog ang buong Metro Manila mahanap ka lang.” sunod-sunod na sabi niya.

I bite my lip. I tried ignoring that fact that butterflies on my stomach have gone wild, hearing her statements. Pero kahit anong subok ko, namutawi ang munting ngiti sa labi ko.

“Opo, sinundo niya ako. Pasensiya na po at pinag-alala ko kayo.”

Bumuntonghininga siya. “Sa susunod, magpapaalam ka muna sa kaniya bago ka umalis ng bahay. Mabuti pa sa kaniya ka humingi ng tawad, huwag sa akin. Sa pakiwari ko’y hindi iyon natulog kagabi kakahintay sa’yo.”

Lutang akong naglakad patungo sa sariling silid. Manang Remmy’s voice played like a recorder tape in my head once again. Dumagdag iyon sa isipin ko na imbes ang mga salitang narinig ko lang mula kay Jenny ang aalalahanin, hindi nakatulong ang sinabi ni Manang Remmy.

Chaz didn’t sleep the entire night, waiting for me?

Could it be possible? But I highly doubt it. Kung si Harry ang dahilan, posible pa. Palagi pinapamukha sa akin ni Chaz mahalaga ang oras para sa kaniya. At ang maghintay ng walang kasiguraduhang uuwi ako?

I sighed heavily. I chose a bandage crop top with a my white coat and black pencil skirt to wear and compliment it with  a black strap pumps. I put on my favorite matte lipstick, and a minimal make-up. Akma na akong pipili ng kulay na contact lense ng matigilan.

A scene flashback in my mind, Chaz saying that contact lenses doesn’t suit me. I closed my fist and disregard the idea of putting one. Lumabas ako ng kwarto nang makuntento. He's  waiting for me at the living room. Nakaupo habang tutok ang mata sa cellphone.

I cleared my throat. “I’m done, Chaz.”

Mula sa ginagawa, nag-angat siya ng tingin. I hold my breath when his green eyes examined my body, head to toe. His eyes traveled again, and this time our eyes locked.

“Let’s go.” Tumayo siya, nagpatiunang maglakad.

Napahinga ako nang maluwag. Ang akala ko’y may sasabihin na naman siyang hindi maganda! It’s a good thing he didn’t.

“’Nay, aalis na po kami.” aniya kay Manang Remmy na natagpuan naming nagdidilig ng mga halaman.

Tumigil si Manang sa ginagawa. “Sige, hijo. Mag-iingat kayo sa biyahe. I-kumusta niyo na lang ako kay Ma’am at Sir.”

It was our cue to leave the manor. Sa puntong ito, sa kaniyang kotse ako sumakay. His black Audi. I immediately wore my seatbelt, didn’t wait for his command.  Sa daan patungo sa bahay ng kaniyang mga magulang, hindi ko maiwasang tanungin siya. I glanced sideways, facing him.

“Hinintay mo ‘ko kagabi?”

Binaling niya ang tingin sa banda ko, pero agad ding binalik sa daan.

“Manang said, you did. Hindi ka nga raw natulog kagabi?”

I surveyed his side profile while waiting for reply. He’s on his plane white shirt and a tattered pants. Dahil sa suot na damit, litaw ang namumutok niyang braso.

“I had a business affair last night. It’s not because of you, woman.” he answered, looking straight on the road. “And no, natulog ako kagabi. ‘Nay didn’t notice it since she’s already asleep when I go to bed.”

Tumikhim ako at nag-iwas ng tingin.I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment.  Why did I assume that he indeed waited for me?
Someone like Chaz Theo, will never waste his time! Palagi niyang pinapamukha sa akin na mahalaga ang bawat patak ng segundo sa kaniya, at ang maghintay?

Ngunit may parte sa akin ang nabigo. Somewhere in my heart, I hoped that indeed, Chaz made an effort to wait for my comeback, despite it’s slow
chance. Shame on you, Sofia.

Because of it, my emotion drastically changed. I mastered a stoic face when we finally reached the mansion. Agad akong lumabas ng kotse sa oras na tumigil ito, na sinundan niya. Lumapit si Chaz sa gawi ko. He stood before me, eyeing my face. After a while, he cleared his throat.

“I will hold your waist."

Pilit kong pinagtagpo ang dalawang kilay.

“Nagpapaalam ka ba? Kasi kung oo, hindi ako papayag. Pwede naman tayong humarap sa mga magulang mo na hindi ka nakalingkis sa katawan ko.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Tama ka, pero mabuti na ang nag-iingat. We don’t want to give them a hunch about us, are we?”

“Stay close to me, that’s enough to give them a show. It’s not necessary to hold my waist all the time, Chaz.” senserong sagot ko.

Nag-isang linya ang labi niya.

"Baka hinahanap na nila tayo.” I said flatly.

He nodded and guided me inside after. I was tailing his broad shoulder when a maid came into view.

“Sir Chaz!” she exclaimed.

“Sila Mom?” Chaz asked.

I couldn’t see the woman’s face clearly, that I have to move forward. My eyes turned into slit as I find her familiar. The younger version of Manang Remmy.

“N-Nasa garden po! Sabihin ko lang na narito kayo.”

The woman stares at me and smile. I smiled in return.

“There’s no need, Rona. Kami na lang ang pupunta sa kanila.”

Tumango ang nagngangalang Rona. Chaz glanced at me and tilted his head. He once again started walking and I followed his steps. Until we arrived at their garden. Magkaharap silang nakaupo nang dumating kami.
Tinawag sila ni Chaz, dahilan nang kanilang paglingon sa gawi namin. I noticed how Mommy’s eyes brightened.

“Mornin’ Mom,” Chaz went to his mother and kissed her cheeks.

I followed his actions, and convince myself to smile more often.

“Good morning, Mommy!” I cheered.

She beamed. “Magandang umaga rin sa inyo mga anak! Magsisimba tayo ngayon."

My lips parted for a second.

Magsisimba..

When was the last time I attended the mass?

Hindi ko na maalala sa totoo lang. The last time I went to church was our wedding. Attending masses didn’t cross my mind all along.

Guilt crept into me. Kung hindi pa dahil kay Mommy, hindi ko pa maalalang magsimba. Pagtangap lang ang ginagawa ko, nakakalimutan ko na Siyang pasalamat.

Sa Binondo church napiling magsimba ni Mommy na agad naming sinang-ayunan. Nagsisimula na ang misa nang dumating kami. Katabi ko si Chaz sa kanan habang si mommy ay nasa kaliwa ko. It's a good thing we aren't that very late.

1 John 3:17: But whoever has worldly goods and sees his brother or sister in need, and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God remain in him?

Napatingin ako kay Mommy na tahimik na nakikinig. Muli akong napatingin sa harap.

A person who has more than enough to meet his or her own needs, but who chooses to be hard-hearted, failing to meet the other person's need. Keeping material things for ourselves, beyond our needs, while brothers or sisters suffer shows a lack of love. A believer in Christ should have concern for the needs of others, and not merely in an emotional sense.

I bowed my head, biting my lip. The verse is like meant for me. At this moment. He has a point but...

I sighed and shook my head.
Sinubukan kong iwaksi sa isip ang ibang bagay na bumabagabag sa akin. Sa halip ay tahimik akong nagdasal at nag pasalamat sa panginoon. I entrusted my worries and struggles to Him. Asked for guidance and uttered my appreciation for the gift of life.

Minsan lang akong tumungtong sa simbahan, kaya naman sinabi ko na ang lahat ng mga dapat kong sabihin sa kaniya maging ang lahat ng dapat kong ipagpasalamat. I felt great actually. The mass lasted an hour and when it ended, Mom invited us to stay at the house to eat lunch.

“Let’s do this every Sunday. If your parents are available, pwede rin natin silang imbitahang magsimba.” Mommy said after the meal.

“Mom will loved it for sure. Let me inform them on your behalf mommy.” sagot ko naman.

“Let this day be a our family day. At least while, I’m still alive.” she smiled, but I didn’t find the courage to return the gesture. I felt Chaz moved.

“You will live a long life, Mommy. Matagal pa po tayong magsisimba tuwing linggo.” I answered.

“Don’t mind your mother, hija. Pagod lang siya kaya kung ano-ano na lang ang sinasabi.” segunda ni daddy.

Contrary to my presumption, Mommy didn’t talk to me about the condition that Chaz was talking. I was hoping that at least.. she will also ask me. Kung sakali man.. ako ang magbibigay sa kaniya ng apo. Or is she expecting different woman, too?

We stayed at their mansion for another half an hour before leaving.

“Chaz,” I called.

Tiningnan ko si Chaz na tahimik na nagmamaneho pauwi.

“What is it?” he only looked at me through the rearview mirror.

I gnaw on my lower lip. Huminga ako nang malalim saka pinikit ang mga mata.

Kinakabahan ako, at nahihiya. Am I considering Jenny’s idea? But I don’t want a child.. well at least not now. And not with him.

However, the situation is getting worst. I also felt we’re running out of time. Dapat may gawin ako. I should do something or else.. my conscience won’t make me sleep at night!

“Let’s have sex.” I felt the car suddenly put into a halt.

Para akong mabibingi sa lakas nang tibok ng dibdib ko. Nakapikit din ako at naduduwag na tingnan ang reaksyon niya.

“What, Miss Perez?” he asked, and release a short laugh.

Hindi ko napigilan at nagmulat ng mga mata. I looked at him, who now looks amused.

“Am I hearing it right, woman? Sex, really?” muling tanong niya, na tila hindi makapaniwala.

I pressed my lips together. “Your idea was absurd. I couldn’t moved on from it. This is far the —”

“Asking me to have sex isn’t absurd. Is that what you’re trying to say?” there was a ghost of smile on her face.

“I’m your wife,” I trailed getting irritated now.

“And so?” he tilted his head to the side, wearing a lopsided grin.

Chaz words silenced me. Hindi ako nakasagot at nanatiling nakatingin sa kaniya.

“We just attended the holy mass and yet you’re here, thinking of your sexcapades. Take it easy, woman.” sabi naman niya saka muling humalakhak.

---
A/N: Credits kay pareng Google sa verse.