Doe's POV:

I tugged this blanket tighter around myself, letting the raging wind against the city below drown out my spiraling thoughts.

I didn't know what to do after Xander left, I was just... stunned.

Hurt and... angry and frustrated and devastated.

It was the final action that pushed me over the edge and fell over into sadness.

Into that mess of doubts and worries I'd somehow managed to keep my distance from until now.

I wanted to chase after him, but knew that to be nothing more than a lost cause.

To drag him back by the collar of his shirt and demand that he explain himself.

But the cutthroat silence in that room after he left was too much for me to bear, and so I took myself out here.

Sitting criss-crossed on the edge of the weird long couch thing, huddled in a blanket to replicate something I couldn't seem to get much of lately.

Wiping away the few traitorous tears that fell from my eyes despite my wishes.

Why did he just leave again?

It was clear that he was having a problem of some sort, but how did that equate to him bolting from me the way that he did.

A heavy weight sat unwavering in my chest as the seconds passed into minutes.

He had to be coming back at some point right? There's no way he'd just leave me for the night.

It'd already been nearly a half hour.

The wind blew louder around the balcony, but I could only feel a small bit of it.

Even if he did...

I didn't even know if I had a right to be this upset.

I wasn't entitled to his feelings, his thoughts... even to him.

No matter how much I wanted him around or wanted him to be able to talk to me as readily as he let me talk to him.

It's not like we were dating... right?

I was ready to demand answers but were they even mine to demand?

He never pried when I wanted to handle something on my own.

I just thought...

A sigh, and another tear escaped me.

I let this one run its course down my cheek.

I was worried about him. I missed him and I just wanted him back.

Nothing made sense as to why things just suddenly took a turn.

The only connection I could barely piece together was when I stopped initiating anything, but I never imagined it being this much of a deal.

No, It had to be something more than that.

What if it was still somehow my fault?

My fingers curled into the fabric, pulling it over my mouth and nose.

Swallowing hard through the hard lump in my throat.

If it was, he'd tell me, wouldn't he?

Searching my memories for any other situation that could grant me an answer, I came up with anything but.

No... No no, come on there had to be a logical explanation for this, and I was just missing it.

I wasn't used to all of this. Whatever these gutwrenching emotions were.

Or... I was, just not from this kind of a source.

I could usually think so clearly and rationally but with this I was a mess.

I don't think I realized how much all of this really meant to me until I started losing it these past few days.

Now I was left scrambling for a solution on my own and it started to make me panic.

I knew Xander. That, I couldn't argue with.

I just needed some time, and some rational thinking to come up with a proper-

My head twisted the second I heard the door open.

Or at least, I thought that I heard it open.

I could have just imagined it through the wind like I had a few times already tonight.

My head didn't move, not until I heard the unmistakable sound of the door closing, and footsteps rapidly approaching.

My posture straightened, yet I stopped myself from becoming too hopeful for anything after what happened last time.

I didn't let myself react at all until he there open the balcony door I was looking towards and found me.

He looked better... comparatively speaking.

The same exhaustion was evident throughout, but he no longer looked like he was in dire pain.

Thank god.

We both just sort of looked at each other for a few seconds, his breaths sounding like he had run here.

I didn't think I had it in me to speak and not have it come out sounding like I'd been crying, so I didn't.

Something flashed behind his eyes, a resolve that sent him into motion, coming around to stand in front of where I was currently sitting.

There was a worried pinch in his brows as he did, keeping my silent gaze up until his hand lifted.

My eyes widened as soft fingers skimmed my cheeks, the touch feeling warm against the night air.

Tugging at the tears waiting to spill now that he was here.

I restrained the urge to just melt lean it fully, waiting to be sure that he wasn't going to leave me again.

A second hand came to join the first, guiding my head up to face him fully.

I worked on quietly clearing my throat to regain my voice and say something, but he acted first.

Leaning down, and closing the space between us, he was the one to tilt his head and kiss me right on the lips.

A shocked little squeak jumped from my throat, hands instinctively dropping the blanket in favor of his shirt.

It wasn't just a peck and he was done either. No, he kept me there, breathing a sigh of ease against my cheek.

I grabbed and tugged onto what I could, keeping him here as much as I physically could.

I wanted to feel the anger and the frustration that'd been eating away at me, but of every emotion, I could form, relief is the one that trumped them all.

Even my need for clarification as to what happened or why he was doing this now could be put on pause for a few more seconds of this.

Just a few, then I could get what I needed.

Those few went by a little too quickly but was enough time to feel that want in his touch that I've always been able to feel.

That I've missed.

I pulled back just an inch, feeling him push forward in retaliation.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" My scold sounded more like a sob.

Which was accurate, but not what I planned on going for.

I continued.

"You- you just left me all of the sudden, a-and these past few days you just-"

"I know," He cut in, snatching another few kisses from me.

Showing even more through action how much he wanted this.

It felt a lot more different than I was anticipating opposed to when I initiated it.

I actually kind of cursed myself for finding it extremely sexy during a time like this.

He parted after another few, and where I was expecting him to just pull back to compose himself, he instead buried his head into my neck and shoulder.

"I'm sorry," He sounded almost as pathetic as I did, wrapping his arms around my back, "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."

I just sat there, somewhat stunned by the sound of his sniffle.

This... wasn't exactly what I was expecting, but I held him there as he clung to me.

"What happened to you?" I questioned, secretly basking entirely in the feeling of having him here.

I didn't really want to yell at him for answers.

Not when he came back like this.

Had he come home like he did these past few days, acting like nothing was amiss, then that would be a different story.

It took him a moment to gather himself together through the new quiet sobbing against me.

"Its... It's stupid vampire stuff," was all he let out.

Right, I kind of came to my own conclusion on that much.

I gingerly drew a hand up into his hair like I was on autopilot.

"Explain it to me then," I covered my beg to sound more like an offer, "I want to help you, Alex."

A nervous silence overcame him, and I hoped to all that I could that he would instead of try to brush it off or change the subject.

He became so weird whenever he had problems, but became the first person on the scene whenever I had any.

I came to my own conclusion that the long quiet meant that he was collecting his thoughts, but the answer that he gave me ended up being incredibly short.

"I need you," he croaked, ever so gently tightening his hold around me, "And that scares me."

I froze, heart thumping wildly, and heat rising up into my cheeks at the admittance and assurance I didn't realize I needed so badly after all of this.

I need you.

Right now, I could feel his words with the way his fingers curled into the blanket and my shirt underneath.

It was an overall comforting hold he had on me, but I could still feel the rigidness of it, the clouded desperation in his grasp.

"Why does that scare you?" was the only thing I could think to ask after that, "Why didn't you talk to me about this earlier?"

I couldn't understand when the only thing his words caused in me were relief and elation.

And yet it kept him just past arm's length from me for days.

It rendered him down into this.

Pulling out those animal instincts of his and fighting with them... over me?

If what he needed was me then why didn't he-

"Because I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. I-I didn't want to scare you away knowing how clingy and touchy I can get, especially with my instincts getting involved," He sputtered and sniffled.

How strange when 'clingy and touchy' was all I wanted these last days.

Or I'd just call it keeping him close. Sneaking those handholds under the tables at lunch or locking ankles.

The silent nudges in the hallways, the close proximity when we were in the room if we weren't already somehow touching.

And I definitely wasn't opposed to sex if that's what he was trying to get at.

Hell, if it means that he'll finally kiss me, I don't think I could ask for anything better.

"I got scared thinking that you would get fed up and leave. I didn't just want to dump the job on you of having to handle a vampire that needs you when that's not a burden you should have to deal with."

The 'job'? Burden?

Where were all of these words coming from?

Did he think that I didn't enjoy being around him?

This need of his that I liked feeling whenever we were close, was I somehow not conveying that to him aswell?

I thought that I was, but I was still relatively new to all of this.

"Do you think I don't like when we're together?" I asked, feeling him stiffen against me like the words themselves had struck him.

"I- No, it's not like that at all I-" He stopped his stammering, drawing in a deep breath and slowly inching back for his face to come into my view.

He wouldn't look at me directly, but I could see the tribulation swimming in his eyes.

"I'm worried that at some point it's going to become too much and I'm going to end up pushing you away. And even before all of that, you have no reason to take on that job after everything we've been through. I don't think that you'd even want to have to deal with me."

I guess I wasn't the only one of us that had spiraled into a thick trap of doubts while the other was away.

His did seem to be a bit more intricate and confusing though.

Did he somehow manage to convince himself that I didn't care for him during all of this?

I could hear hints of that guilt he's had before during all of this as well, leading me to believe that all of that had resurfaced during this.

I'd already dealt with that issue once and I knew that he remembered it, so this time, I focused on the other.

"Why's that?" I simply questioned.

I wanted him to get it all out first.

His face nearly crumbled, lip trembling through his words.

"Because I'm a mess."

A little giggle passed through my lips, catching him by surprise as I moved.

He thankfully didn't pull away while I cupped his cheek, and guided his head in front of mine.

"I know that, Xander. Why all of the sudden are you pretending like I don't know you?"

Like I hadn't already seen him at his worse, and what he was showing me right now was far from it.

His eyes rounded, allowing me a chance to wipe away the tear streaks.

"You're a mess who I've watched clean himself up from the hell we've both been through, and there's still no one else I'd rather spend my time with."

I adored Khloe and Marcus and Lily, but as Khloe explained to me, the feelings here were different.

They were more fragile it would seem but tied itself so much deeper in my heart.

"I'll take whatever this job you're claiming it as any day over you suddenly disappearing until the dead of night four days in a row."

I may not be a vampire, so I may not be able to understand the more complex details this may include, but one thing still stayed true regardless of that.

I think that I needed him too... from a human standpoint at least.

A smile took me over, continuing those light touches with my thumb over his cheek.

God, I was just so happy that he was here again,

"I'm not going anywhere. You should know by now that I'll chew your ear off if you do something that makes me uncomfortable, and even still, something like that has yet to happen. All I want to do is be there for you in the same way that you're always there for me."

I tucked his messy hair away with my free hand, seeing him push a bit towards my touch.

My words looked to be having a positive effect on him.

"Unless of course, you try to disappear on me again for days on end without warning, because I really don't think I can be this forgiving about that twice."

"I won't- I-I promise I was-"

"Shhh," I gently cut off his tense, panicked rambling leaning in close to place a kiss on his forehead.

"Relax," I whispered against his skin, letting my hands slide back under his arms and around his back

Every muscle in his body was coiled so tight. Bracing or preparing for something that I couldn't begin to fathom right now.

Little by little he listened to my words, his body relaxing a tiny bit with each exhale.

During the last one, I felt myself perk at the sound and feel of his purr start up in his chest.

This... I missed this too.

Jeez, I just missed every little thing.

Maybe I really was like... deeply in love with this guy.

Perhaps more so than I'd originally thought.

"I'm sorry," He began again, "I didn't think about how my sudden absence would affect you... How can I start to make up for it?"

I blinked, proud of the way that his sentences were coming together normally now.

"You can start by kissing me like that again."