Chapter 40
Xander's POV:
My throat burned, my empty stomach lurching and expelling nothing but bile into this poor potted plant.
Everything inside my body writhed and twisted in protest, in anger, in its relentless fight to overtake me.
Just when I thought that I'd finally established a hold on it for the night.
Just when I thought that I could manage going back to her and pretending that everything was fine.
The hold wasn't a tight one, but I felt like it was going to be the best I was able to manage.
Which is why I lost it so quickly.
Walking into the room full of things that would have tugged at that part of me even if I wasn't currently trying to suppress it.
The scent of her sadness, her arousal, and the inexplicable guest.
It was too much... It was all too much, and I knew that I was going to lose it right there and then if I didn't flee.
I didn't want her to see that... To see me like this.
I didn't know which of the problems I would have handled first had that part of me gotten the control It was still battling me for, and I didn't want to find out.
My breaths came sporadically, now only able to take quick breaths with minimal punishment.
I nearly crumbled as my stomach lurched again, but there was nothing left in me to vomit, instead leaving me with painful, heaving breathing patterns.
My eyes squeezed shut, tears brimming at the corners at the sudden feverishness throughout my body, sending a trembling through my limbs.
I had no energy left but I kept trying anyway.
Kneeling on the tile floor of the garden, and tried everything I possibly could to just calm down the constant battering going on within me.
Claws dragging marks down the clay pot while every muscle in my body burned from the exhaustion of physically holding this off.
Not even the vampiric healing could help this. Not when that ability stemmed from the part of me that was causing all of this in the first place.
My next swallow burned, scraping down my throat.
I didn't know what to do.
There wasn't any possible solution to this I could both think of, and effectively pull off in this state.
My body was exhausted, and I actually felt solace in that more than anything.
I couldn't do anything if I collapse.
I just had to... keep going until it gets to that point.
The tears fell down my cheek, teeth gritting through the new uncomfortable heat my skin had.
My eyes opened just a crack, turning towards the outside portion of the garden.
I fought to get my feet back under me, each minuscule movement coming with a price.
I paid each one, stumbling and staggering until I could toss open the door.
The thrashing wind this night had was a welcome feeling against my sweat-coated body, offering the first bit of real relief I've had all day.
Tossing my hair and clothes every which way, drying away the tears just for fresh ones to take their place.
I couldn't stand there and enjoy it for more than two seconds before my knees threatened to go out from under me, sending me flailing to my right against the railing, forcing as much weight as I could against it to keep myself upright.
Coughs tore themselves out of me, each one feeling like something was shredding in my lungs.
Yet all I could do was stare through blurred vision at the dark forest far below.
I could feel the initial, angry, ravaging attack shifting to a different one.
Still just as powerful in its approach, but the anger was shifting into panicked desperation
'Please' I could feel the beg in my body as clearly as if it was asking f.or food or blood,' I need her'
My fingers curled against the railing. So hard that I momentarily heard the metal groan from the pressure.
"I can't have her," I croaked my response, the words getting lost to the wind.
I cant... It would never feel right.
Morally...
In every other way, it felt perfect.
Nothing else in my life had ever felt this amazing. Nothing had ever felt as right as it does when we're together.
It felt like I was in heaven.
And that's exactly why I couldn't have it.
I make her life a living hell for years, and then just magically deserve to have the happiness being by her side brings me?
After the impossible chance that she for some reason felt the same way... then what?
I'd be taking her away from so many options.
Potential future partners that she didn't have so many terrible memories with.
Ones that wouldn't make her deal with these animalistic outbursts.
Who didn't complicate things by being a different species.
That wasn't fair. Not to me and absolutely not to her.
A choked cry tore from my throat after my sniffle, fingers bunching my shirt near my chest at the burning agony set off there.
At the retaliation to my thoughts.
Most of my weight fell onto the railing, half of my torso hanging off of the edge.
The sound of the rushing wind was starting to fade out in favor of the high-pitched ringing in my ears.
I hoped more than anything that it meant my consciousness would just slip from me.
All of this was somewhat reminiscent of trying to fight off a bloodmoon, only that given my royal status, the odds were a little more evenly matched.
Only a little though, given the fact that I was still slowly but surely losing.
The ever-building pressure near the top of my back was a devastating reminder of it.
If my wings were to sprout now, I knew that would be my breaking point.
My fight would be over.
If I was going to lose either way, I still held onto the hope that I'd lose consciousness before losing my control.
That was the only goal I had in my mind, and yet the fact that I couldn't even control the shape of my pupils anymore was starting to feel disastrous.
It was like even my own joints now were locking up on me, like this body was no longer mine to have.
I wouldn't be as terrified of that outcome if I knew that I wouldn't immediately seek her out after losing that control.
That I wouldn't burst into that room with all the ferocity of a savage vampire suffering from the withdrawal of the person it's deemed as theirs.
I wouldn't hurt her or make her uncomfortable in any sense of the word, I knew that.
That was the last thing I could ever do, but still...
She didn't need to see all of this. This wasn't her problem to have to deal with.
I didn't want to burden her with all of the issues that come with living with a vampire that's silently in love with her.
Knowing that if I lost control, that fact wouldn't remain silent for much longer.
I didn't want to scare her away.
I couldn't have her... but I didn't want to lose her.
My silent sobbing turned into something more panicked.
Tightening at the very thought of it all, and each breath going hoarse.
I wasn't going to last much longer.
Despite how hard I wanted to, this wasn't going in my favor.
This was it... I was going to lose her.
Oh my god, I was going to lose her!
She was going to become appalled by my advances, and reject me!
There's no way she'd ever want to see me again after that!
My freakout only made everything worse, sending my eyes thinning permanently, and that pressure in my back into a tearing pain.
No. No no no no! Please I can't do this now!
I deserved the fight, the agony that it brought to me, but I didn't want it to win!
My mind turned frantic, closing up every rational thought I could have and pulling it into darkness.
"Xan?"
The concerned voice came from behind me.
Nico?!
His voice was a welcome sound to every part of me, the sound of it allowing me just enough movement to push myself up a bit and turn my head.
Even in the savage, predatory depths of my brain, my older brother was someone I listened to no matter what.
His eyes widened, jolting back a bit at the sight of my own.
And most definitely at the overall mess I was in currently.
He wore the casual clothes and the unzipped zip-up hoodie that told me he had just been down in the city
He must have been just now getting back.
The smallest flicker of hope shined through the blackness consuming me at the sight of him here.
I couldn't form the words to convey that to him and just hoped that the look on my face was enough.
Help me.
The recognition in his eyes came quickly, placing the small bag he had into his coat pocket.
"Jeez, Xander the bloodmoon isn't for a few more days, what the hell did you get yourself into?" the brotherly scold was mixed with that concern that you couldn't pinpoint unless you knew him well.
I saw his pupils match mine just a moment before the ache in my head forced me to close my eyes.
His hand on my shoulder began my first moment of peace on days, the feeling of his pheromone working its way down through my body.
Coaxing that part of me down into calm.
Had it been anyone else, it would have put up more of a fight.
I took in the first full breath I could manage in the last 12 hours, feeling my muscles relax, the threat of my wings diminishing, my head clearing.
Every onslaught plaguing me drift away into nothing.
It didn't stop the tears, however. If anything with the added relief they came faster.
I felt myself finally shift down onto my knees, hunkering down into a pathetic pile of stupidity.
Nico's saving grace finished its course after another minute.
It was gone... For now.
It couldn't be long before that happens all over again, and then what?
"Thank... Thank you," My throat still felt raw from the previous retching.
I felt Nico's hand leave me for a moment, just to reach around to my other shoulder while he sat on his haunches beside me.
His concerned gaze was fixed on me, but I wouldn't let myself meet it fully.
I was in such shambles that I didn't want anyone to see, and he already viewed the physically messiest bit of it.
"Come on, Xan," He spoke calmly, giving me a little tug.
Come on? Where?
His tone, the tone I knew as a child meant that things were going to be okay, coaxed me out of my temporary hang-up.
I looked at him, giving my silent question.
He tapped my shoulder, speaking as he rose back up to his feet.
"You're gonna tell me what's going on. So let's go," he said, extending his hand.
A small tug at my heart at his immediate want to help.
It'd been so long that I nearly forgot that no matter what, he'd always find the time to help when needed.
And I wasn't going to sit here and pretend that right now, I didn't need it.
I grabbed his hand without a moment of hesitation, letting him lift me to my feet, and lead me away.
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