Maybe if I cut my hair, changed up all the clothes I
Wear, acted like I didn't care
Would you love me then, baby would you love me?
Maybe if I changed my face, owned up to the mess
I made, turned around our old mistakes
Would you love me then, baby would you love me?

~♥~

Reign's P.O.V. :

It's weird how time flies. One moment you're wishing you were an adult and the next moment you just want to be a child again.

Reign couldn't believe her brother had got engaged. It came as surprise as his brother wasn't a relationship guy let alone a marrying type. While she stuck by one guy, who was currently drooling over someone else, he was more into staying away from relationships kind.

Relationships never were his strong suit. He never dated anybody and hated relationships so much that even if their mom would ask him if he had a girlfriend he would just get up and leave the dinner table.

For some...most parts of her life Reign thought Ellie was asexual. He wasn't. Turns out he is gay.

She was a little taken back at first when she came to know that he would be marrying his childhood best friend. Turns out she wasn't the only expecting more from childhood friendship.

Talking about childhood friendships, even though Reign was happy about her brother she was still confused about Nikolai.

After the whole ordeal, they have been talking normally but it feels more like pretending. The worst part she knows that Nikolai could feel the tension too.

She hates doubting herself before voicing her thoughts and looking for the appropriate words as if she isn't talking to the one person who was the closest to her. It can sometimes astonish you how the same person who knows you the best can make you feel like a stranger. 

So to get her mind out of the whole mess and get some space without making it look like she is running away from her problems she had decided to bury herself in shopping for her brother's wedding even though it is three months later.

Good thing that malls and shopping always made her better no matter what it was.

As Reign steps on the escalator, her mind goes to Nikolai and how he would drag her to Lizzy's Delights which was a bakery, one among his five favorites in the whole town. It was like a habit now. Their first stop before starting with shopping.

But it had to stop now because even though she was here to shop for her brother's engagement party she also needed to stop thinking about Nikolai and possibly everything related to him.

It's hilarious when you have been staring at the same thing for a long time and finally look other ways you realize how much you have been missing.

And maybe this is why she needed to look away before it is too late. She loves Nikolai but she is not willing to lose herself.

Reign looks around to find a better place to start. Body shop is having a sale but looking at the plethora of people buzzing there she would stay away from there. Baskin Robbins is always a good place to start or perhaps dominoes. And now that she was already on the food court she thinks maybe she could just order a Starbucks and stroll by the shops as she drinks it.

What she didn't expect was to run into Nikolai that too holding shopping bags from a makeup store. So much for staying away from him.

"Reign, what a pleasant surprise!" Nikolai exclaims and Reign could not help but think the same without the word pleasant in it. It wasn't that she was unhappy to see Nikolai here. Sure, she wanted some alone time but it wasn't Nikolai who turned her mood sour but rather the presence of the woman approaching them and looking at the bag of makeup and women clothes in Nikolai's hand she could bet her life who she was.

Even though Reign had successfully dodged meeting Riley dearest for so long she knew there would be an unfortunate day when she would have to meet her and smile as if she and her could be future best friends, but Reign wasn't ready for that, especially when she openly confessed to Nikolai how Riley makes her feel threatened.

So she smiles and quickly tries to think about some easy lies she could vomit and leave before she had to meet the she-devil. 

But before even she could utter a word the woman came and wrapped her hand around Nikolai's arm and gave him a peck and seeing the glimmer in Nikolai's eyes Reign knew she had lost the battle.

Awkwardly she clears her throat and extends her hand with a bright smile on her face and was greeted with an equally cheery smile although unlike hers it probably wasn't fake.

"Hello, you must be Nikolai's girlfriend, I am Reign, his friend." To say Reign was surprised when Riley's smile got even bigger would be an understatement. She felt like a con artist and she didn't know for how long she could continue with the act.

"Well That's not what I heard from Nikolai," Riley says and Reign's smile flatters. Was Nikolai so bust that he didn't even mention her in front her Riley? God, this was worse than she imagined! She fixes her death stare on Nikolai who was just smiling when Riley continued, "From what I gather you are his best friend. That too childhood best friends. Wow, you two must have an amazing bond!"

Reign never considered leaving behind all the worldly possessions and choose the path that Buddha chose more seriously.

She was going insane but what is love if doesn't make you lose your sanity? So like a lovesick fool, she is she chuckles and says, " It has been quite a journey."

"Well at least I have someone I can rely upon to tell me all the embarrassing stories from Nikolai's childhood." Reign had talked to all of Nikolai's ex-girlfriends but it was for the first time she met someone who actually cared about Nikolai, she could see that in her eyes, and even though she was happy for him she had never felt more betrayed. 

"I would love to," Reigns says with her smile.

"Ladies don't be surprised in the future if I try to keep you two away from each other but today Reign, why don't you join us? We were going to get some cupcakes from Lizzy's."

Before she could protest her arm was linked with Riley's as she heard her saying, "That would be great."

It was after that they had reached Lizzie's and were seated that she took in Riley. In the past few months, she had imagined her countless times according to how Nikolai had defined her but now that she was here in front of her flesh and not just in her mind she could see that his words and her imagination didn't do her justice.

If she thought she was insecure before she couldn't describe the feeling she had now because sitting beside her she could see everything in her she never saw in herself.

She could see why Nikolai was so smitten. She was confident, beautiful, and fierce.

Her hair wasn't frizzy, her black orbs weren't accompanied with black circles, her cheeks weren't hollow as her, her clothes looked sophisticated on her and she could only imagine how that same crop top would showcase her stretchmarks.

If that wasn't enough she even monitored her calorie intake and as memories of the past slideshows in front of her eyes, she could bet their reason wasn't the same.

As Nikolai and Riley talked about something all the while sharing inside jokes that Reign couldn't even understand, she stared at the bottle of the healthy shake Riley was drinking as she refused to eat the sugary delights. Staring at the healthy benefits words written at the back of the bottle unconsciously reminded her of all the times she wanted to forget.

She couldn't take this anymore. She hated herself for doing this. She felt like crying as she stuffed the muffin bite by bite in her mouth. The sugar tasted bitter as it melted against her tongue. She hated herself as she smiled at Nikolai and Riley and then waited.

Nikolai was telling Riley about the time when they had met. Reign couldn't help but smile at that happy memory. It was one of the few memories that actually made her smile instead of making her fake a smile.

But memories don't last long especially the happy ones and so after she checks the time she gets up.

"Where to ma'am? Now the fun has begun," Nikolai says.

Afraid Nikolai might be able to look past her smile she looks at Riley and says, "As much as I would like to stay I haven't done shopping yet and I am on a time limit. I think I should go."

"Hey Reign, I was going to be a part of this marathon being held next month why don't you come along with Nikolai. My family won't be attending and I would really like some support."

"I will see, all the best though in case I couldn't make it there," Reign says her eyes flicking to her watch once again. She was getting impatient to get out of here and she already knew she wasn't going to show up to the marathon.

Riley's eyebrows furrow but she still gets up and hugs Reign which makes her tense and once again insecure. She was hoping Riley would be rude to her that at least would give her some reason to hate her but the hug was anything but rude.

Reign smiles and then leaves.

She didn't understand Riley. She didn't want to because of everything about her contradictory.

But on the other hand, thinking about Nikolai she was sure about one thing. The fun had just begun.

She takes the turn to the hallway that takes her to the washroom. She pulls hair in a ponytail and then washes her hand. Getting in a cubicle, her fingers turn the lock as she gets on her knees. It was robotic how her fingers found their way to her mouth and the next second she was vomiting everything she had eaten since morning.

There was a time when this was her routine and everything night after puking her guts she would bask in a feeling of calmness but this time her mind was far away from being calm. Her mind was chaos. She was chaos and she hated every moment of it.

She thought she was past this. She hadn't done this for two years. She never thought she would do this again but once again she was in the same position. Curled in a bathroom with sweat on her neck and forehead and the smell of puke lingering in the air.

Funny how her therapist had told her to let go and two years later with no self-harm she almost fooled herself only to be once again be surrounded by the past.

The first time she did this was when she was eighteen. She was kicked out of cheerleading and her insecurities landed her in the school bathroom. Eight months later she ended up in the hospital and then in a therapist's office.

Her therapist, Miss Lisa was the only woman who didn't judge her as she told her everything and helped her overcome her insecurities.

Though the thing about insecurities is that they never really you. They stay in the back of your mind waiting for a trigger. A trigger and then you are in its grasp.

And the worst thing Reign knew this time there was no way out and so like a moth attracted to the flame she let it burn her.