Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left, and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

~♥~

Nikolai's P.O.V.:

It is one thing mourning someone alone and then there is mourning in front of other people. Even though Nikolai had come to terms with Reign's death in the security of the closed four walls of his home and Riley's shoulder to cry on, he wasn't ready to face the world. 

But no matter how far he runs away from the things he hates he knew they are gonna catch up with him. Because they always do no matter how fast you run or how much you hate.

So amidst everything happening, going to college is not even on his list of least favorite thing to do but after missing it for two-and-a-half weeks that too in his last semester and getting a letter of warning from the college administration he knows he has to make a choice.

It is either going to that dreaded place now or repeating the semester and going to that place for an even longer time. Thankfully Riley is beside him helping him with his decisions as he sees himself in the parking lot of the college the next morning. 

He tells himself that maybe this is going to distract him and move on as Riley would say, as he gets out of his car and makes his way to the main campus.

But as soon as he steps foot on the campus he knows coming here was a wrong decision. He could feel everybody's eyes on him. Making him conscious. Reminding him what happened. Murmuring the details of that horrifying night. Forming the picture of Reign in front of his eyes as she took her last breath.

His breathing accelerates and he tries to inhale the air that suddenly seems like an impossible thing to do. His lungs burn as he gasps for the air along with the last bits of sanity that seem like leaving him. And it was that moment with black spots covering his vision that he thought if that was how Reign felt.

Were those black dots the last thing she saw?

His mind doesn't comprehend further as he falls on the floor. He could see people running towards him, bringing a brown paper bag, covering his mouth with it, and directly at him, asking if he was okay but he could only think what Reign would have been thinking at that moment. 

It wasn't until someone holds him by his shoulders and shakes him that he snaps out of it. 

His breathing returns and through his teary eyes, he sees that it is a junior he doesn't even know is holding him by the shoulders with people surrounding them with their phones capturing the whole incident. 

He removes his hand from his shoulder and gets up. Picking up his bag he makes his way to the boys' restroom as the people part to make a way for him. 

Hunching over the tiles he takes deep breaths to calm his mind. He thought the worst thing that could happen to him would be the memories of Reign and him together clogging his mind but it took him a two-minute walk to realize that the worst isn't the time frozen in the form of memories in his brain but forming new memories with her. 

He hears someone enter the bathroom so he quicky washes his face and leaves before giving a glance at the man in the mirror that he no longer recognized.

His steps don't flatter as he hears the gossip getting louder once again as he makes his way towards the dean's office instead of the class he was supposed to attend. 

"I need to meet the dean," he says to the lady sitting at the reception. His eyebrows rise in irritation, clearly not happy to not listen a please but as quickly it raised it settled back as she saw the boy standing in front of her. Clearly, she knew the story too. What kind of receptionist would she be if she didn't hear the gossips though?

Typing on the screen in front of her she asks, "Do you have a scheduled appointment?" 

"No."

"Has he been expecting you?"

"No," Nikolai tries his best to cover his irritation as he says this.

"You will have to--"

Nikolai cuts her off as he says, "It is important."

The lady looks at him for a second before sighing and typing something on the screen. She signs off a slip and hands it to him telling him to go when a boy and his parents leave the dean's office. Nikolai doesn't look her in the eye as he takes the slip. He doesn't need to, to know they would be filled with pity. He had been getting them a lot lately and he is sick of it. 

Sick of the pity eyes and the pity sighs. Sick of people telling him it is going to be alright. Sick of not having Reign beside him. Sick of being treated as the victim when he is not.

Fortunately,  it wasn't long before a couple exited the office and he got to get in. The dean offers him the seat and Nikolai quickly gets to the serious part.

"Due to some personal reasons I can't attend the physical classes," he says.

The dean leans back on his chair, his hand resting on the handles of his chair. "You are always welcomed to repeat the semester."

"I was hoping I could prepare from home and sit for the exams," Nikolai says as his eyes stay focused on the dean.

"Last year of college is no joke son," the dean says and for a moment Nikolai basks in the comfort of not being judged and being treated like a normal college-going student in his final year. For a brief second Nikolai thinks of how the dean knows that he is in his final year crosses his mind but your name is known to every college-going student, keeping it away from the authority can be a little hard.

"I know and I assure you my grades will not flatter. I will keep up with everything that is being taught and will even send in my assignments to be evaluated. I just can't show up at this place."

The dean doesn't blink as he picks up his pen and then starts writing something on a blank sheet of paper. Realizing that he is being ignored he is about to get up when hears the dean say.

"I will give you one month. One month of your absence from now on will be forgiven but I want you here on the next day without fail. Also, how you keep up with your syllabus is up to you."

Nikolai's eyes raise to meet his. Although he had come up with this idea he wasn't entirely sure that it would work. No dean would ever grant any student a holiday this long. He was almost expecting him to suggest the college counselor. It may have been the sympathy but his eyes hold nothing but understanding.

Nikolai gets up from his chair nodding in assurance and gets out of the office. 

Lost in his thoughts he bumps into a girl.

"You okay?" He hears Thea's soft voice ask. His eyes take in her face and looking at her he takes in how well she is doing, with her makeup up to the mark and not a strand of hair out of its place. 

After the incident, he had completely forgotten about her. Even though he saw her at the funeral he was too busy to actually go and talk to her. the rare times that he thought of contacting her he always shrinks away with the fear of how broken she must be.

While Nikolai and Reign were best friends and shared most of their time together Thea was Reign's support. Reign-forcement, as she would call her. And while they didn't meet every other day they had a bonding like no other person.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I am," Nikolai says.

The hallways have cleared out as the classes must have started and it was just the two of them there. 

"You resuming the college?" 

"I thought I was but I just can't do it. Took leave instead," Nikolai shrugs. Without realizing they start heading towards the college basketball field.

"I can understand."

"How have you been?" Nikolai hadn't been great with dealing with all the pain but right now maybe all he needed was someone to share it with. Someone who is actually going through it and knows what it is like.

Thea smiles as they sit on the bleachers, "Better. I heard your eulogy, it was beautiful."

Nikolai sighs, relaxing his back, he looks at the clear sky, "Do you ever think what happens to a person after they die?"

Thea follows her gaze and smiles, a soft smile that reflects nothing but sadness, "I never believed in reincarnation or stuff like heaven or hell but now it feels like I want to believe in them. You?"

Nikolai's eyebrows furrow as he gulps, "I think they watch over us. Like guardian angels and never leave our side. It is the only thing that is keeping me sane, honestly."

Nikolai's eyes divert back to Thea as she smiles and looks at the sky. It is then that he notices the makeup under her eyes and the hair set with hair spray that he realizes that she is a mess too, just a little better at hiding it than it.

Nikolai clears his throat as Thea's eyes snap back to him. "I am going to visit Reign's place today. Want to come?"

Nikolai feels like the walls closing in again. He had avoided everyone after the funeral and he wasn't ready to face them just yet. So he does the only thing that has helped him before, changed the topic. 

"So what were you doing in the hallway?"

Thea looks at him in the eye as if she saying that she knows what he is trying to do but then continues by answering, "Apparently, I have been assigned a counselor which I don't need so I was going to get it rectified."

Nikolai's eyebrows raise in question and so Thea sighs and continue. "My dad thinks that I need therapy and so he told the counselor to fix an appointment for me."

"You got a dad?" Nikolai sits up straighter as the words fly out of his mouth. Thea looks at him with raised eyebrows with a small smile covering her lips and for the first time amusement dancing in her eyes.

"I mean yes, everybody got a dad. Thanks to biology but you got two moms and you never told us about your dad."

Thea shrugs, "Mom and he doesn't have the best bonding. We aren't very close but we cross paths often."

"Okay, that still doesn't explain how your dad told the counselor to make an appointment for you. Shouldn't he take some permission and fill some for--"

"The dean is my dad."

Nikolai swallows his words as Thea's words sink into his brain.

"The dean I was just talking to?" 

"Pepper gray hair, Harry Style eyes, and a large forehead?" Thea asks as Nikolai thinks about it and nods. "Yeah, the same person."

"So why do you even attend college? You can take attendance from your home as you sleep. All you have to say is my father is your boss."

Thea chuckles, "Not going to lie I did use to think about doing this a lot."

"Then...what happened?"

Thea exhales, "I think I grew up."

Nikolai tsks and Thea bursts out laughing.

"Don't worry he is going to call me soon and offer me leave too."

"Because he gave it to me?" Nikolai smirks feeling smug.

"Oh honey, he gave you a leave so that he could give that to me too...without bending the rules for his daughter."

Nikolai's smug smile vanishes as Thea laughs. This is where he realizes why the dean accepted his bizarre idea so easily.

He looks at Thea laughing and his heartaches. He wants to laugh like that but even laughing feels like a debt he would have to pay later. 

And he is not ready for that either.