~Losing your life is not
the worst thing that can happen.
The worst thing is to
lose your reason for living.
-Jo Nesbo

My very breath felt like my last. Every breath made me ache for it to be the last. I wanted to die. It should've been me. Why her? Why her and not me? My cries for help went unnoticed, contained by the walls of my body. I locked myself away from the world to somewhat believe that it wasn't true. Nothing has changed ever since that day.

My screams echoed inside my head, filling the silence with burning flames of self-loathing. These screams were so silent that only Laura could hear them. Her dead self, at least when she was alive and well, I never let her see the other side of me, which only a few people could see.

I did this to myself. I was to blame. I was the one who danced with the devil bidding on my heart. How could I be so reckless?

It was all my fault. What was I thinking, playing with fire? Didn't I know I was going to burn? Didn't I know that gasoline runs in my veins? All I needed was a flame, a touch of fire and I'd light up.

Could it be that he was the cause of his love's death?

I refused to look away, even as my lips trembled and my shoulders heaved with emotion, unwilling to back down. I looked at the graveyard and finally decided to step out. Step by step, my mind became laid. Nothing was the same anymore. My heart, my head, and the house were so shallow that I could hear nothing but my tears dropping. Those three things were always filled with her, something I got used to every day. Even if she had been my annoyance for months, it was better than having to lose her.

I had always liked my peace, but everything was in pieces. Some would call this an accident, but this was likely one. I had to lose a big part of myself. This has been going on for years! For years and nothing changed, it kept repeating itself.

My dark lashes brimmed heavy with tears; my hands clenched into shaking fists, in a desperate battle against the grief.

There will always be a part of me at her funeral, listening to the hymn, "The Lord is my Shepard." A lone tear traced down my cheek while the words engraved on the stone read In Loving Memory of Laura Johnson, loving wife and friend, and just like that, the floodgates opened.

I wept, tears streaming from my deep blue eyes, the eyes that she'd normally get lost in, loud, heaving sobs tearing from my throat, and still I kept my eyes trained on the tombstone. Not until the sobs drove me to my knees, did my determined gaze fall.

My eyes were burning and my chest felt heavy as if it were filled with lead. I could no longer see clearly. All I knew was that she was gone, out of my life forever. But how could she leave me like this? It was unlikely her to do this. She loves me. She can't go to another place. I won't allow it.

She was gone. Forever. A drop of water fell onto my hand. I looked at the sky and even though the sky had been gray and looked like it was about to break into a heavy downpour, not a drop came from the sky. Looking down at my hand again, another drop appeared, and I realized that the liquid was coming from my eyes.

'Maybe you should say goodbye, Vincent.' A voice in my head said I had to say goodbye to the only person that I felt cared about, the only person that I felt happy with. How was I supposed to just do it without feeling like I'd lost a part of me?

"No I can't. It'll hurt her. It might make her die." I didn't want her to die, so I couldn't. I know she's alive and she will never leave me no matter how much pain I've caused her. I stood there for a moment under the gloomy clouds. Then the water began to sprinkle, cold and wet on my skin. Drops of water trickled down my body as I stood there frozen, my gaze fixed on the tombstone.

"Remember you promised me forever and forever, so please tell me where you are, so I can find you."

"Vincent, you might catch a cold. I think you should go home," the voice said behind me, who I recognized as Mason. "Is a cold worse than death? Is a cold worse than losing the one you love? Is a cold worse than a heartbreak?" My salty tears mixed with the rain, which reminded me of the first day I lost her.

"I know it's hard, but she wouldn't want you out in the rain," she wouldn't? I knew she wouldn't she have been a life changer ever since, but I couldn't bring myself to move when I felt Mason's hand squeeze my shoulders. "Go home Vincent," I sniffed quietly and got up as the clouds continued crying. I turned and walked away, not sparing him a glance.

"No, you don't get it!" I shouted, slamming my fist on the table. The bottle of beer wobbled dangerously. "I've been doing just fin- fine by myself!"

"Vincent, get your shit together and let's go," Mason ordered me and all I could do was laugh. "You don't get it do you? My wife is dead, and it's probably my fault she could've been here with me.

Laura would never come here. She wouldn't even dare me to drink, but here I am." Mason pats me on the back, bringing me to stand while others stare at us.

"You know she doesn't want you here, so why did you come here?" I chuckled tumbling from side to side, "She's not here anymore, is she? No she's not. If she was here, I'd probably be at home with her in bed watching television, or she'd be playing in my hair. But she's not here." I hit his chest saying.

"She's not dead, you hear me, she's not. I know she's not Mason. My Laura would never leave me. She promised me forever." I walked away with everyone looking at me. The bar was a place where everyone would let out their pent-up emotions, something I hadn't done. I got in the car leaning my head back trying to hold back the tears.

A Few Months Later

The months have become more gloomy, and nothing has changed. Not one day passed that I didn't shed a tear. It was like she hadn't existed in this world that had me going crazy. Her only family was I, Mason, and Tina. Those people were the cause of all this. How could they be her family?

It was early morning, too early for me to have my family visit me. I walked down the flight of stairs, seeing all of them seated in the dining area. The seat where Laura would normally sit was occupied by Scarlett. Out of all the twelve chairs that were available, she chose to sit in that particular seat.

"What are you guys doing here?" They were surprised by my tone, quickly snapping their heads in my direction. Of course, I know why they are here, to ensure that I didn't miss my own wife. "And you get the fuck out of my wife's chair," Everyone was looking around, confused about who he was talking to. "Scarlett get up right now and all of you just save me the trouble and leave." I sighed and clenched my fist, watching all of them rise in union out of the chairs.

"Vincent baby-" I glared at my mom and, in an instant, she shut up. "Get the fuck out!" I held tightly onto the picture frame looking at all of them. What a reunion.

"She's dead, and you have me now-" Scarlett ran her hands across my back and quickly pushed her away. "You see this," I point at the picture frame while everyone looks at me with pity. "She was always there for me. She loved me for me and not for money. She didn't love me because I could give her the world. After all, I was her world, and she was gone." I chuckled, scratching my chin. "Because of me, I should've left her alone, but I couldn't stay away from her because she was the only one that ever loved me," I whispered, lowering my head to hide the sadness on my face. I just can't go on without her anymore. She would've wanted me to live, but she was the only thing I was living for and now she's gone.

"I don't want pity anymore. If one of you can give her back to me, I'll give all of my life's worth to you, but sadly, because all of you are so useless and are good for nothing, I find it quite impossible. If there's anything else you want to say, then say it, or please just leave. It doesn't make any sense if you say anything. It won't change the fact that my wife is gone." I turned around, my lips quivering. I was never alone. Laura was always here.

"You should just let go. She's gone and never coming back. Why don't you get it?" I shot my head up looking at the person who had just spoke. "How dare you? Who are you to tell me to let go, father? Did you ever stop and think about how my mom died? Oh no, you didn't right because her death was a suicide. It wasn't worth looking into. She died because of that bitch, and you know it." My words crashed down on him when I saw the effect I had on him. Everyone was either shocked or angry because they all knew how my real mother died and not the woman who pretended to be my mother just to get the fame she always wanted.

"Vincent, that's no way to speak." I clenched the frame tight in my head and grounded my teeth. "How am I speaking now, father? Are you going to lecture me on how to speak or let all of you speak poorly about my wife? I'm speaking the truth. I watched my mother die. I watched your beloved wife push her off the balcony without a care. She stood with an evil smile on her face when she got the only thing that she wanted. Most of them came in an attempt to kill my mother, but she was the only one who succeeded. Everyone stood frozen, as the news was shocking to most, but I know they already knew.

"That's not true, mother. Is this all true?" Sophia, the oldest asked. She was the more responsible of the three kids that she had, but was a spoiled brat. She went unmatched amongst them and was the least favorite of my father because she was considered a mistake for him.

"Please don't discuss this nonsense in my house and in my mother's name. Please don't utter it now, leave!" My mother, my grandmother, my wife, they are all gone, leaving me all alone to suffer.

I walked up the flight of stairs, shutting the door behind me.

"So this is what it feels like to lose someone you love. It feels like shit, it hurts so badly that I want to just die." A tear fell from my cheeks while I stayed still in the darkroom.

"I tried to find a way to go on with my life, Laura. Do you know how hard it has been? It's hard for me." I dropped to my knees and held my breath. I let out a chuckle, lifting my head to the ceiling as if to keep the tears from escaping, but that didn't stop the tears from overflowing." It hurts so much I don't want to talk about it." I spoke to no one in particular, but I hoped she was listening to me wherever she was.

I am not a perfect man, but I love you. Given the chance, I would be by your side in rain and shine, comfort you when times are tough. But now that your gone I can't go on, only to fulfill the promises I made to you years ago.