~The absence of
the will to live is alas,
not sufficient to make
one wants to die.
-Michel Houellebecq

I leaned back replaying the last time I saw Laura. It seemed like forever and with each passing day my heartaches. The grief sank deeper than before, more violently. My pride was keeping me from seeing her, but I had eyes on her. She left to go to another state. I wanted to go. I also wanted to stop her, but I feared what might happen.

"Did you hear the news?" Mason rushed inside my office, his eyes all red, and his suit untidy. "What news?" I sighed from frustration, looking back down at the bunch of paperwork that lay in front of me. I scrambled off my feet, coming in front of Mason, whose face wasn't happy at all.

His face became pale. His lower body started trembling, as I shook his body back into reality, though he continued staring into the distance. "Mason, tell me what the fuck is going on!" I spat. I felt the heaving in my chest and the nerves popping in my head.

He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. The last time I saw Mason like this was when his grandfather died. My heart began to hammer against my chest, thinking about all the possibilities of someone dying right now when it could be all my fault.

"Man, I'm sorry but-." There was a hint of sadness in his eyes, and so the news was true and was definitely the worst.

I managed to grab a hold of Mason's collar, shaking him uncontrollably, but he wouldn't dare to look me in the eye. "I said what the news was!" He took out his phone and shoved it directly into my hands. I looked down and saw what looked like a picture of a plane crash.

I bit my lips halfway through and held them tightly until I had reached the end of the page. Blood filled my mouth, the pain blinding in my chest. Long moments passed as my eyes rapidly scanned the page. My mind was laid waste by the news, but I couldn't bring myself to say this was all real. I feel Mason's hand on my shoulder before he's close enough to reach me, though when he makes contact, his skin is cooler than I'd imagined. "Is this some type of joke?" He looked at me with pity, but this couldn't be. It had to be some kind of joke.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The more I told myself that it was all just a dream, the more I began to believe myself. All until the horrible realization that it was happening and that it was too good to be true.

I felt as though I was paralyzed. I felt that if I moved it would be real. I just did not react at first, and I wanted to deny all of it. I kept saying to myself, no it is not a lie, they made a mistake.

Mason pressed my shoulders lightly, forcing me to come to my senses.

"Tell me this isn't true! I dare you to tell me! " A tear was forming, but I wouldn't let it fall. I wanted an answer. "Mason told me that this wasn't true," I said calmly. He looked away, his face turned red. "Look at me God damn! Tell me she's at home-" To my complete horror, I was wrong.

"No! She's dead, she's gone " Flecks of spit landed on my face as he spoke. A lonely tear fell from his cheeks.

Before my lips have formed the words, my legs give way, and I feel his arms catch me, not pulling me up but ensuring I meet the ground more gently.

"No!" I whispered, my voice rising to a tormented shout. "No, Mason, damn you! Don't tell me that---! " Time stood still like never before. My pupils dilated, my hands ached and my heart sank to my feet. I twitched only because my body reacted to it. I kept telling myself that it wasn't real, nothing happened.

"Vincent---" I could no longer control my hands; they were shaking in an odd trembling rhythm.

"Don't you dare tell me that!" I shouted in agony. Mason spoke, but I turned my head away from the unbearable torment on Mason's ravaged face. "The plane engines weren't responding then it crashed out in the countryside. They tr-"

"Get out," I whispered. "I'm so sorry Vince. Sorrier than I could ever be. " The emotion washed over his face like a tidal wave. Grief.

"Just please get out!"My heart was throbbing in my ears, loud and irregular, but I barely heard it, for my mind was clouded with fear.

"No, you can't leave me," I sobbed in demented. And then I screamed. With a discouraged whimper, I tugged on the necklace around my neck. I rose to my feet with a growing sense of doom. It tortured me to move, so I kept my movements small and steady.

Despite the pain in my chest, I began to thrash everything. I sucked in another breath, my lips trembling with each outlet of air. The blame weighs down on me like a ton of cement, and I start to believe that it's all my fault. "I did this, I did this," I sobbed to myself over and over again. The truth ceases to matter.

I sat silently in the dark, hunched over and with a sense of loss so powerful that my muscles wouldn't respond to my constant begging to move. I didn't do anything but just hang my head and let the tears flow.

I stared intensely at the amber liquid and the golden glow of the glass-like cubes. I poked them to hear them jingle in the predawn silence. I raised the glass to my lips, feeling the keen burn on my tongue and throat. A numbness creeps into my brain the way it did when I was drinking for the first time, slurping too fast.

I tossed back the last shot in one gulp, sighed deeply, and then washed it down with half a glass of my beer. The alcohol left a burning sensation. A sensation for more. I knew I shouldn't have. I promised her that I wouldn't anymore. But the sweet taste of the lethal drink lured me to down the whole bottle. Already the worries of everything were beginning to fade, but the aching of my heart told me I was still alive and drinking and smoking. I stopped doing that when Laura asked me to stop.

I struggled back to my feet, but immediately fell over. All of my energy seemed to have diminished. The hair started to tinged along the back of my neck. I slid down the wall, bringing my knees to my chest. I had to go I had to go and see my wife. Tears escaped my eyes as i used both hands and got up, followed by my fist meeting the wall. Nothing feels real to me anymore.

I closed my eyes and gazed into the fields of nothingness. Grief swept through my system, enveloping my body. I still couldn't come to terms that I had lost her. It's not true, it can't be. I spoke to her a couple of weeks ago.

My breath quickened, and I used every muscle in my body to stifle a whimper. I felt the world rock beneath me. I am trying hard to keep my eyes open. The world rushes by in a blur, and I know the pain is coming. It goes by fast, yet slowly, almost suspended. Then impact. I feel my bones move in a way they shouldn't jangle.