~Don't ever let something go
that you love because you might end up breaking your own heart when someone possesses it.
-Author Unknown

I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I probably should have cried. I should have drowned Laura and me in this room and ended-all of the suffering, but I couldn't just for her sake.

I'd been holding my breath through all we had talked about, and as soon as she retrieved her back, not even to spare me a glance, I let it out. My heart twisted again and for a moment I panicked. I wanted to call her back, take it all back. I wanted to walk up to her and tell her how much I was sorry and that I never meant the words I said. Live the way we have always lived together. But then I remembered why I'm doing all this: for her.

Being alone as a child. That's how I was raised by my grandmother and multiple nannies. When my Nan passed away, I had cut off all ties with everyone and the disappearance of Laura had me going crazy. I failed as a guardian. It was indeed my responsibility to keep her safe and ensure that no one would harm her, but I failed. I'm a failure.

Laura had no idea what was going on, and I didn't give her any hints. I couldn't risk it all.

She looked at me with that same disappointed face she'd given me a million times before. I felt a stinging in my nose and my throat started to tighten. I opened my mouth to let in a small breath as tears welled in my eyes. I fought with everything I had to keep them from falling, but when she shook her head and turned away from me, I couldn't control it.

Peal shaped tears rapidly streamed down my face and I started to whimper. "Please.." I begged. But it was no use. She was already through the front door and left me there, alone. I collapsed to my knees and everything inside me shut down. My eyes stung and my body trembled. "Don't go," I muttered to myself, collapsing completely.

You misread me and then feel bitter and angry, though all the while I was simply doing my best to take care of you. My heart still beats, but against a chest that feels hollow.

My eyes still see, yet the world that is so close to me seems far away. My mind began to shut down, unwilling to think anymore.

Perhaps this is a shock. Maybe this is all a dream and I'll wake up with her in my arms like how I've always wanted her. She'll be staring at me with her big brown eyes till I wake up. I'm really not sure. All I know is that I keep on pouring in love, hoping for the day I earn redemption for "crimes" based on nothing but false perception.

My door burst open, but I hadn't moved from my spot. If only I wished it was Laura, but it wasn't.

I peeled open my eyes to see Mason looking at me with pity.

"She's gone?" He asked to take a seat across from me. The words were caught in my throat. I couldn't speak. I had lost it all. I was tearing all inside. My voice refused to let me speak. My brain can't even function like it usually does. "Vincent, it's going to b-"

"No you know what fuck that. It's really a shame how you let this happen. You had twelve years. Twelve long years and when you got one, what did you manage to do?"

"What was I supposed to do?" I snapped my fingers tightened around the chair arms. "What do you mean, what were you supposed to do!" he shouts, a wave of anger in his voice. "She opened up little by little, even when she hated you for ruining her life. Not once! Not fucking once! Did she try to betray you like everyone else around you!" By the time he was finished shouting, his chest was heaving.

"Didn't you think I trie-"

"What did you try huh? Tell me, Vince!" He held me by the collar, spitting each word into my face. "I-I I trie-"

"Unbelievable!" He pushed me back into the chair, pacing back and forth around the office. He tugged at the back of his head in frustration, then focused his eyes back on me. "I'm still waiting for those useless words. What did you try?" He gritted out, his eyes now a darker shade of his deep ocean eyes.

"Look, I don't know where I went wrong, her father" I swallowed, bringing my head down, "Her father is back" A deep ache settled in my jaw from clenching my teeth.

"You mean Giovanni is back?" I nodded. He squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "I thought you'd kill him. You know the power he still poses and if he finds her, who knows what that bastard might do." At the mention of that, my hands clenched. "He can't do anything and that's how it has been for years, you know this" He didn't look at all convinced with my answer and I wasn't even sure what would take place.

"What about John and Sarah?" My mouth turned downwards. "I'm dealing with them, don't worry," he hummed, starting to pace back and forth. I took out a cigarette and lit it, taking a long draw watching the smoke rise in the room.

"The cigarettes you light one after the other won't help you forget her." "I'm not trying to, I want to," even if I tried to forget about her, it would be difficult.

"If you even fail this time, you're fucked and I mean fucked"

"How many times have you lost her? once? twice?" A muscle in my jaw twitched. I pressed my lips into a thin line. The taste of nicotine lingered in my mouth. "That's right! You don't fucking know how many times," he mocked, his lips drew back in a snarl.

"Fix this or I'm killing you. I'm not letting my relationship end with Tina because of the shit you failed to do," I watched as the door slammed shut. I pushed myself off the chair and stood at the window. It was getting dark and the rain was still pouring. I knew she was walking and it hurt me to know I saw that.

I left grabbing my coat off the racks so I could see her for just the last time.

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Laura is crying. Somewhere deep down inside of me is dying, dying to know that I'm feeling something at last. I was feeling not just physical pain, but a knowing that I had lost her. Forever. It's very profound and catastrophic that it will leave a hole in me that nothing will ever fill me as she did.

I left early that morning. She would blame her mind for playing tricks on her, but in reality, I was actually there holding her for the last time, telling her the words that she so intently wanted to hear. It hurt me deeply to know that I wouldn't be able to hug her anymore, to do all the things I had done.

I hit the steering wheel repeatedly, bringing my head down to it, "What have I done? What have I fucking done? " I screamed while I felt hot pools of tears well up in my eyes. I can't do this. She's hurt and that's hurting me. I knew growing close to her would lead to this. I knew one day this would come.

I should've stayed away, but I couldn't. Why didn't anyone tell me that love hurts so badly? Why?

I constantly ask myself why this lifestyle has befallen me. Am I not a good person? Have I wronged someone? Have I maybe hurt someone and this is my punishment? Never in all my life have I felt like this. The harder I try to answer my questions, the further away the answer seems to run and hide from me.

Being defeated and broken by this test of life is not an option I couldn't reconsider or give place to this lifestyle is not of my liking or my choosing anymore. My life was not picture perfect, but I tried to make it as perfect in others' eyes when deep down I was facing hardships of just finding a way to end all of this.

Something broke inside of me. It's that fucking heart I didn't know I had.

No one ever tells you how much a heartbreak physically hurts. How does it literally feel like you've been kicked down the stairs? How can you not swallow it? How every muscle aches. How your heart lurches inside you like it's been poisoned. Nobody tells you that.

For a crazy instant, I felt as though my heart had stopped beating. That was how I felt twelve years ago, the feeling of everything inside me lurching to a stop. The feeling had managed to resurface without my control and just once I let it. Slowly, my body was engraving pain. It accompanied it with a relentless, mind-numbing pain centered in my chest. I heard people say their hearts were broken a few times in my life. I even used this expression.

I couldn't quite understand why I had it. I always told myself it was because she was gone and had no sort of return to me. But I was wrong. It was because I loved her and the fact that I had hurt her that she would never forgive me for the mistakes I made.