*Major trigger warning

I've never properly spoken to anyone about my past relationship, it's too painful to bring up and I can't do it without wanting to throw up. Sofia, Bleu and Jacob know parts of it but not from me telling them. I tried to keep it from Anto because I knew he'd be upset but I'm sure they've probably mentioned things to him. Partly I don't want to tell them because I'm embarrassed, I was stupid, naive, weak but alternatively, it's just the sting and the replay of those years. I can't bear it. But I'm going to do it. I need to start trusting and I do trust Colton, he's always here for me and if I ever wanted to have any kind of relationship with him I need to open up to him. He may never feel the same way I feel about him but that doesn't matter because after today I would have been able to tell my story and bring light to the dark of it.

I get up off the floor shakily, his arms cage me so I don't fall. Colt towers above me as we walk out of the bathroom, the balcony doors off the bedroom show the sun half risen in the sky, signalling I had no idea how long we'd been sat on the floor for. A canvas of purple and orange paints the Chicago skyline, birds swoop low near the balcony and distant squares and rectangles dot past the hotel.

"We should probably get you some food first, you haven't eaten in hours," Colton says picking up the hotel phone, I don't say anything, I'm not even the slightest bit hungry, my stomach churns creating waves of nausea.

When the food arrives CJ sets it out on the balcony table, it's warm enough coming up to mid-June but I still feel a chill being in a pair of shorts and a jumper. He puts a plate of pancakes topped with fruit in front of me and digs into his own plate full of sausages, eggs and bacon.

"Alright I'm all ears sweetheart," He smiles lightly.

Okay, I can do this, its fine take it one bit at a time.

"Alright so... gosh where to start," I sigh, "My nightmares, they're about my last relationship... the reason I can't be in another relationship. I've had them for the last year and a bit. Sometimes they go away for a bit, sometimes they become frequent, like this week I've had three." My gaze drifts out over the city, " They're so horrible Colt, I feel like I'm back there. I can't breathe but I can't wake up from them. I just can't get away from it all." A sob wrangles past my lips and I drag my knees up to my chest suddenly feeling a chill.

"Oh sweetheart," Coltons picking me up off the chair and slides me onto his lap, wrapping his protective arms around me, I can't do this.

You need to let go of the past. Be vocal. Make some noise.

"If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have too." He whispers onto my neck, heating the skin. He's giving me an opt-out, I can just ignore it and we can sit here and forget this ever happened... but I can't, I need to do this. If I ever want to move on I have to be able to conquer this.

"No, I have to do this. If I tell you... that means he doesn't win," Tears run down my face as my voice weakens.

"Who doesn't win?" Colt's hands' cups mine and squeeze, he bends down and places a small kiss on my knuckles.

"I've never spoken about this. No one fully knows. Sofia, Jacob, Niki and Bleu know tiny parts because they were there but no matter how much they coaxed, I'd never talk about it, I couldn't. They just deduced and tried to put me back on my feet." I gather my breath, trying not to cry anymore. I fill my lungs with chilly air and listen to the roads waking up below us.

"Thank you for trusting me Gi," He nuzzles into my neck,

"I never didn't trust you, Colt. I've always wanted to tell you everything I was just ashamed, I didn't know how to talk about it without looking like a mess. You're the only person I do want to tell everything too." I snuggle closer into his chest, feeling safe as his arms cage around me. I can do this, Colton doesn't judge, he just wants to know me. I want him to know me. The good, bad and bloody ugly.

" Alright so... it all kind of started a few months before my nineteenth birthday. I was still living in Hackney, working at Niki's and Berkleys, looking after Luca, mum had a new boyfriend who was running his 'business from the flat, me Sofia and Jacob were looking at the possibility of moving out. The normal shit you know. Anyway, It was a Saturday and I was working the normal late shift at Niki's, I remember it being busy because the football was on and every bar in London was packed. We were rushed off our feet and the only break I got, I went outside with Tasha for her cigarette break. Some guys were harassing us outside, typical drunks just trying to touch us up and stuff, there was three of them and only two of us so we were pretty spooked. Suddenly this guy comes charging in front of us, fists clenched and scares the guys off. Long story short we thanked him and we started talking, he was nice and charming, sweet even. But that was Hayden Jenner, master of disguise."

Coltons hand moves up and down my back as I recall the grim memories.

"He started coming to Nikis more and we ended up becoming friends. I later bumped into him on my estate and it turns out that he lived on the estate over. Then started coming to Nikis every night claiming that he didn't like me walking back through Hackney that late at night alone. I told him it was fine, I'd been doing it for three years but he insisted. Looking back I can now see how controlling it was. He'd walk me back every night which resulted in us getting much closer. He asked me out on a date and I said no first time round but he was persistent and we ended up dating which soon enough turned into a full-blown relationship. He told me everything I wanted to hear, understood my work commitments and Luca commitments. He was the perfect boyfriend, everything I thought I needed." I sit up tensing, mentally preparing for the next part of our relationship.

"Things got a little rocky between us when I heard some rumours he was sleeping around whilst I was at work. He could never give me a straight answer when I asked him about it. He just got very aggressive and would sulk off down the 'gym'. His answer to the problem was that we should move in together, he said it would bring us closer and 'it proved he wasn't sleeping with anyone else'. I didn't want to, of course, we'd only been together a few months and I'd already put off moving out because of Luca and I didn't want to upset Sofia and Jacob by moving in with someone else when I'd blown them off. So I told him, no, but he got even more persistent. He wouldn't drop it, kept harassing me, threatening me until I reluctantly said yes. I didn't realise it was harassment at the time, I just thought he loved me. They all told me to be careful but I was so stupid." I sniffle quietly, wiping my wet eyes with my jumper sleeve. It sounds so pathetic. Colton doesn't interrupt me but I can see he wants too. He compromises by kissing my hand.

"After I moved into his flat it was like something flipped, he started becoming dismissive of me, stayed out later and didn't come home as often. I couldn't figure out why, I didn't know what I'd done wrong." I let out a slow tortured breath, " About a month in, he became a lot more... controlling. He made comments about what I wore, then forced me to change, he made me cut off my friends. I... I even stopped talking to Sofia and Jacob, I didn't want to I really didn't," I'm sobbing into his chest, trying to convince him I'm not a bad friend, he just soothes me, tightening his arms around me,

"He quickly got worse, always turning up at work to make sure I wasn't talking to anyone I shouldn't be, locking me in the flat when he went out. He got possessive, he liked to tell me he owned me... and because he did he was allowed to..." I bite so hard on my lip I'm sure I draw blood, He's going to think I'm dirty, "He said he was allowed to do whatever he wanted to me, even when I didn't want it." I cry harder, my body racked with sobs, "I thought because we were in a relationship... it wasn't considered...rape," I whisper. I can feel Colton tense dramatically beneath me, his jaw ridged and firm, immediately I feel awful for telling him.

"I'm sorry I told you, you probably think I'm disgusting" I push up to move from his lap but he pulls me back down quickly, wrapping his arms so tight it's like I'm being hugged by a boa constrictor.

"Don't ever say sorry, I can't believe you even think that. You are not disgusting and you should never ever say sorry for that. It wasn't your fault, don't ever think it was. I'll fucking kill him. " he stutters, shock ringing true in his tone, "Is that what you dream about," he asks hesitantly, his eyes softly concerned.

"Sometimes, that or the other stuff," I shrug lightly.

"There's more?" He presses gently.

" I always knew Hayden was an angry person, he was always getting into fights, boxed twenty-four-seven at Ollis, he's even been arrested a few times for GBH but I never thought he'd bring it home.. until he did. It started with a few slaps when I hadn't had time to clean up the kitchen then a punch when I left the flat without telling him. I can't really recall when it escalated so badly but most nights I'd end up out cold in a pool of my own blood. I wanted to leave, I did! I know it sounds pathetic but... I never had the strength. Every time he'd apologise and make it seem like it was my fault, I really thought he loved me. I couldn't let go of that, nobody else loved me." I can't control the flow that falls from my eyes. I never had that love at home so when he showed me just a glimpse of what it was like I knew I wouldn't get it anywhere else, so I stayed.

"It carried on for about a year. Covering the bruises and cuts with makeup, having my ribs kicked in, being drowned in freezing cold water, being beaten black and blue. It wasn't until one night when I came back from work I heard noises coming from the bedroom, I thought was just him and his nasty friends but when I got closer I realised it was a woman's voice. He was fucking her in our bed."  I spit, I can still vividly recall opening the door on them, "I knew then he didn't love me and I decided that was the night I'd leave. I grabbed my stuff and was ready to go. He obviously didn't like that and tried to get me to stay, mentally and physically." I can already feel the bile rising in my throat again, "He beat me until I couldn't walk, whacking my head against the kitchen counter, throwing me to the floor by my hair then when I was... when I was" Mid sob I rush up off Colton's lap and scramble into the bathroom throwing my head over the toilet. There's nothing left in my stomach but bile. Colton's by my side as soon as I start heaving, pulling my hair back and squeezing my shoulders. After I'm done I end up against the cold bath in the same scrunched up position I was in, the early hours of the morning. My throats sore and dry, only whispers sneak through my lips.

"Shhh it's okay, you don't have to carry on." He whispers in my ear.

I do have to carry on. Or that night will haunt me forever.

"No I do, it's okay," he nods hesitantly clasping my cold hands again,

" When I was nearly out, I could feel the heavy pounding in my ribs, the aching in my head, I could smell the iron in my blood pooling around me but that didn't satisfy him, he wasn't done with me yet.  He took the kitchen knife and... stabbed me once in my arm, once in my thigh, once in my back and lastly right in the centre of my midriff. He whispered to me as he was doing it 'if I can't have you, nobody can. You bought this on yourself.' That was the last thing I remember before everything went black. I woke up in a hospital bed with Sofia holding my hand. She said Bleu had found me outside our block of flats, completely lifeless. He'd dumped me and left me for dead." I bury my head in my palms digging my fingernails into my scalp Colton pulls my hands away and engulfs them in his,

"Stop." He instructs firmly,

"Why! I was so pathetic and weak. Stupid to think I even deserved love, that's the best thing I'll ever get." I shout at him but he doesn't flinch. He doesn't even walk away just hoists my trembling body onto his lap, rocking me backwards and forward.

"Sofia decided for us that we would move out as soon as I left the hospital, that's when we moved to Islington and I stared boxing at Olis, partly because I was angry, partly so I could do something if he came back for me. I became so depressed, I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to eat. I hated myself, I hated how I looked, how I felt. I felt numb like I was downing constantly. My eating issues got out of hand and I started to...well you felt them, the marks." I wince, embarrassed, I feel pathetic but it won't stop coming out, "And I know he's behind the 'anonymous' interviews on TMZ. He's still trying to get at me! I can't escape him!" I sob into his chest, it feels so good to finally get this out after so long. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone, it was weighing down on me constantly.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I'm so sorry Colton." I cry, my body shaking tremendously in his arms, I'm sure I'm mid panic attack but this has to happen, I need it all to come out. It drips through me like poison, controlling every nerve in my body. It hurts constantly, I can still feel every hit, ever broken fragment of my ribs, the knife piercing my skin.

"Why are you saying sorry, silly?" He coos in my ear, I just shrug not able to come up with a fathomable answer, I'm just sorry for everything. Throwing all my baggage onto him. I hold my breath trying to calm myself, "Hey hey, it's okay, just let it out. Cry, scream, do whatever. Just don't bottle it up anymore!" he says cradling my body as he strokes my hair. I cry and I cry and I cry until no more tears leak from my eyes. Just strangled sobs. My throats raw and swollen, my body's trembling like I've been locked in a freezer and I'm completely numb.

Eventually, once my sobs have come to a small whimper, strong arms lift me off the floor. Colton caries me into his bedroom and places me down on the bed, he turns away but I reach out and grab his arm,

"Please don't go, sit with me," I whisper, pleading.

"I wasn't going to, I'm just going to get a blanket okay?" He places a soft kiss on my forehead and ducks out of the door, returning with the fluffy blanket I was snuggled in yesterday. He wraps it around me and climbs into the bed beside me, pulling the covers over us both. I snuggle into his side as he swirls little circles on my skin, goosebumps prick up all over my body.

"How long have you been holding onto this?" Colton breaks the silence.

"A few years, like I said, you're the only one who knows the whole story... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put it all on you, you probably didn't want to hear any of that." I bow my head away from him but he laces two fingers under my chin and tilts my head up to meet his glassy eyes.

"Giovanna. My Spiller. I can never thank you enough for sharing that with me, it means the world to me that you trust me so much. You are the strongest, most admirable person I have ever met. You're a true survivor who inspires people every single day. You're kind and caring and sweet. You have turned my life around with your silly sense of humour and beautiful ways. I never ever want to hear you apologise for it or talking about it. It was not your fault. It was not what you deserve and you should never ever feel like your putting all your 'baggage' onto me. That's why I'm here, I want to see you for your good and bad. All the pretty and Ugly. If only you could see yourself through my eyes."

Water leaks from my eyes again, oh Colton.

"You have absolutely no idea how much I want to crush his skull though, it truly disgusts me. How anyone can ever-" He tenses,

"Hey, calm down its okay," I try and cool him.

"Okay?!" he exclaims, "He left you for-" His breath hitches and his eyes close, the vein on the side of his neck prominently pushing above his skin, I place my had on his cheek as a small tear rolls from it, "I don't even want to say it," he strangles out.

My heart picks up a few beats, I cup his cheeks and use my thumb to wipe it away.

"CJ, I'm here I'm fine," I smile lightly.

"But... but you're not fine, you're having nightmares and crying and I can't help," he whispers. My heart rings painfully, he really does care about me.

"You know what? When I slept next to you, they were the first good nights of sleep I'd had in ages. I felt safe. You made me feel safe! You sat with me when I had panic attacks, stayed with me until I fell asleep again after my nightmares... you also made me feel safe enough and cared for enough to tell you my story. So you have helped, you've helped me in ways you'll never know Hemmings." He smiles softly but I can still see the apprehension in his eyes, "Thank you," I whisper feeling another hot tear roll down my face. he pulls me back into his chest, his hands lay on my waist and his chin on top of mine.

"You mean to much to me Gigi, I'm always going to be here for you." He mumbles into my hair.

My body fills with warmth at his words. I've been craving that feeling, the feeling that someone cares, that they want to love me for the pretty and the ugly.

"Ditto," I whisper back sliding my hand into his.

Hey guys! This was quiet a heavy chapter and I hope I did it justice. Domestic abuse is a massive problem in today's society, last year 2.4 million people In the UK experienced some type of domestic abuse, male and female. It's something that needs to be talked about and awareness needs to be raised. We never truly know what happens behind closed doors. If you are experiencing domestic abuse remember please remember you are not alone, especially during these hard circumstances.
If anyone has been affected by Domestic abuse or just wants to talk about anything my DMs are always open 🖤

Domestic abuse Helplines

Domestic Violence Assist:
0800 195 8699

National Centre for Domestic Violence:
0800 970 2070

Women's Aid Domestic Violence Helpline:
0808 2000 247

Men's Advice Line:
0808 801 8141

National LGBT Domestic Abuse Helpline:
0800 999 5428

Victim and Support:
0808 1689 111

Thank you for reading and remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Iz x