Things have been... awkward.

Really fucking awkward and I've found myself feeling more lonely than ever this past week. I don't know what the fuck happened but it's like someone flicked a switch in Colton. He's rude, arrogant and mean... exactly like he was the first time we met.

Maybe I was a bit harsh on him with the whole ignoring thing, but I need to keep my distance and focus, figure some things out, he wouldn't understand. Being around him as much as I was... confused me, made me ignore everything back home... it made me careless.

He obviously doesn't even want to talk to me anymore though which makes my head swim, did I overstep? Did he realise that I'm no longer worth his time anymore, found out about the real me? The one with a fuck tone of baggage. That would explain his rapid mood change. He hasn't said more than a few words to me this week and avoids me every chance he can. We're supposed to be working on this duet but every time I schedule to meet him he either doesn't show or Laycie tags along with him. She spends the whole time shooting daggers at me and trying to make out with Colton and I hate it. I just want to supper glue their frigging lips together so they can always be attached and live happily ever after!

Ugh stop it, Gigi, you sound jealous again!!

Even though he's being a massive ass again... I really miss him, I'm lonely as fuck without his goofy smile, I miss him coming to talk to me before show, without him there to calm me I've already had three panic attacks this week. But on a plus side, I guess, Since I now have a lot of time on my hands I've been hanging out with the girls, Ryan and Jackson a lot more and we've started to ride together on the busses, it's nice having company although it still doesn't feel right without Colton. God, I'm sappy. He's being a dick just ignore him.

Ugh, I just feel very at odds this week however I'm slightly peppier today since we landed in Italy this morning! I haven't been to Italy since I was three, I came with my dad to meet my relatives... not that I remember a thing. Anto rang me this morning, I think he's more excited than I am, he listed several places I should go and several foods I absolutely must try whilst I'm here. Lucky for me we've got two shows, tonight and tomorrow and then three days off to explore the city! I've always wanted to come to Italy, Anto and I talked about it all the time when I was younger, he used to tell me stories about what it's like here and how much he misses it. I'm desperate to do the cliche thing of throwing a coin over your shoulder into the fountain but first, I've got a show to do.

Just as I'm finishing being zipped up into my outfit I hear some sort of commotion coming from outside of my dressing room door, I furrow my brows at Ruby and Ryan who are sat stretching at the far end of the room mirroring my expression. We all hurry up towards the door. Being the nosy parkers we are, Ryan flings open the door and we file out into the corridor. Will's stood with several of the management crew in the hallway, Colton stands further back, our eyes meet briefly and then quickly drop to the floor, but I don't mistake the flash of hurt that runs through them. In front of them, a man holding a clipboard is standing rather flustered trying to communicate with them.

"Is everything okay?" I ask Will, he sighs

"Yes, it's fine... this guy, we don't know what the fuck he's saying and he's very persistent," Will says gesturing to the man who's now joined by two security guards.

"He doesn't speak any English and we have no clue where the idiot of a translator is."

He says in defeat slapping his side as he brings his arms down, the management crew behind him all on their tablets or phones presumably trying to get hold of this translator. I turn to the non-understandable man,

"C'è un problema?" I ask the man,

Is there a problem?

"Sì! Lui è in ritardo! I tifosi lo stanno aspettando e ho bisogno di sapere dove mettere la mia sicurezza!" He exclaims gesturing to the two beefy gaurds behind him.

"He says, Colton's late and his fans are waiting for meet-and-greet. He also wants to know where he should put his security." I turn telling Will. Everyone's stood with wide eyes and an open mouth, even Colton looks supprised.

"What?" I ask suddenly flustered under the numerous amounts of eyes, they're all looking at me like I've grown three heads.

"You speak Italian?" Will says, ignoring the frustration of the man in front of me,

"Uh, yea I'm half Italian..." I say slowly, I thought everyone knew? The name's a giveaway.

Will shakes his head of shock and smiles, "Ask him who he is, what he's doing here."

"Tu chi sei? Cosa stai facendo qui?"

He rolls his eyes, "Sono il manager qui bella, sistemo tutto sul lato del locale. Assicurati che tutto funzioni senza intoppi e in questo momento è in ritardo!" He jabs his finger at Colton who slouches even more into the wall.

"He says he's the manager of the venue, makes sure everything is running smoothly on their side... but he keeps saying Coltons late."

"Oh shit, you are Colt- Go!" Will instructs hastily after grabbing a tablet from a woman with glasses, Colton grumbles and walks past us taking the security with him.

"Adesso va bene?" I say to the italian guy

He's going now okay?

He nods, "Grazie Tesoro," he says turning away but stops and faces me again.

"You very bellisima and you say very well Italian." He winks at me and saunters off down the hallway. I shake my head, exactly like the Italian men that hang around at Antos.

"And you! My Italian beauty! Get ready you're on in thirty!" Will points at me then grabs my faces and kisses my forehead, I chuckle as he skips away whistling, well at least I've made someone happy today.

"Ciao Roma! È un vero piacere essere qui con te stasera! Non hai idea di quanto sia stato disperato per tornare in Italia, quindi grazie per avermi ospitato. Questa canzone è per mio zio Anto!"

Hello Rome! It is an absolute pleasure to be here with you tonight! You have no idea how desperate I've been to come back to Italy so thank you for having me. This song is for my Uncle Anto!

I shout through my microphone, the crowd roars with excitement. Phones are flashing, banners are being waved about and tens of thousands of fans are jumping up and down. The adrenaline courses through my veins as the song starts, I strike my white Fender dramatically before placing my mic into the stand and singing along to the backing track. The collective voices all singing my song back to me, I listen in to them, they're singing my song so loud they drag out every little care and worry that racks my brain, each problem ebs away with every line, the lights power down onto my small figure, soaking up every hurtful thing that's ever happened to me, the backing of the band behind me draws all the pain and anguish out of my body. The song hits the chorus and suddenly the audience is louder than my mic, I stop and stand on the stage, listening to them... the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. The band joins me and stops playing as the singing gets louder. Chills run down my spine sending my body into a frenzy, my heart beats rapidly, I look out onto the sea of lights being cast from phones. I've always been the one in the crowd, belting my heart out and crying to my favourite songs but now I'm crying to my favourite audience. Salty wet tears trickle down my face, my eyes wide in awe and my smile passes my eyes. They're not tears of sadness or hurt but tears of pride and love. Unlike the Grinch, my heart did not grow three sizes on that stage but one hundred sizes, so much so I thought it might just burst out of my chest.

"It was crazy Sof. Like they were all singing my song, it was so overpowering! Like I just can't stop smiling," I say launching myself onto the pristinely made hotel bed, my body sinks into the mattress and I prop myself up on my elbows. 

"I swear to god we were watching the live on someones Instagram, Jacob cried Gigi!!" She giggles, her signature red lips filling my phone screen. 

"I did not!" Jacob shouts coming into view of the camera, Sofia glares at him, "Okay I did but proud mummy tears, my baby girl has grown up and flown the nest and she's making a name for herself!"

"Despite an arrogant, but really fit male sensation," Sofia says, I'd filled them in on what's been happening between me and Colton in the last few weeks, I huff and rollover on the bed.

"I just don't understand why he's being so mean again?" I stare up at the rather blank ceiling.

"Well maybe he's hurt babe... you started acting distant first!" I go to argue with her,

"Don't even try it, Giovanna, I know what you're like. You push people away when you feel them getting too close, he sounds upset and hurt! you made him think you weren't friends."

"I'm not pushing anyone away I just need to focus, eliminate distractions and focus, you know! And Colton doesn't get upset anyway, he has his girlfriend to comfort him anyway."

"Gigi! That is pushing people away! I've told you Luca is fine now, your mums... well your mum and we're all proud of you whatever you do! Allow yourself to have some fun for once." She says, Jacob, nodding in agreement with her,

"And you sound so jealous." He adds, I snap up,

"I'm not jealous! Why would I be! We're just partners!"

They both roll their eyes,

"Whatever you say, Liar, I can sense the sexual tension and that's only from what you told me!" I groan, there is no sexual tension? Just harmless flirting! I can't let him get any closer anyway, for his own good! I can't drag him down. The screen comes up blurry and announces the call has been paused, meaning Sofia's probably salivating over Colts Instagram.

"Holy fucking shit. Oh my god!" I hear her squeal, then she pops up on screen again, Jacob beside her his eyes watering.

"Gigi your trending worldwide on twitter! ON FRIGGING TWITTER!" She jumps up and down, my heart stops and my breath hitches in my throat... what?

"And your Instagram following has just gone up like tonnes! You've got two million followers Gigi what the hell!" Jacob says behind her.

I can't speak, I feel like I've got an invisible pillow wedged in my mouth.

"Look at twitter! Go! NOW! LOOK!" she shouts down the line ferociously.

I swipe out of the facetime app and click on the little blue bird topped with a red circle perched on top going straight to the search icon... there it is, my name right at the top of the worldwide trending list. I hastily click on the tab and it brings up a feed of videos from my set, photos of the tears running down my cheeks, my wild hair as I strummed my guitar, pictures of the crowd bringing me to tears, mentions from fans that came tonight, mentions from fans that didn't. I scroll through endless videos of the crowd singing my song, retweeting them and crying over them. In one for a better word, I'm starstruck... and I look danm cute in those boots. I scroll down for a while, still laughing and crying until I come across some slightly newer tweets that have just been posted and a few articles from the past few weeks.

"Is Gigi Lastra who she's pretending to be?"

"...One of the chunkier singers this year has seen..."

"Stripper to stardom."

"She's shit, completely untalented."

"...Annoying and ugly..."

"...Have you seen what she wears... slut of the century."

"Put those thunder thighs away."

"Golddigging whore."

"Untalented swine"

"Fake Bitch."

The once happy tears now sad and bitter, I bury my head deep into the duvet to muffle the sob leaving my mouth, more and more of the same tweets are rolling in, I refresh the page every few second, my heart cracking an inch more every time. It's funny how quickly things can just...switch. Completely flip.

"Look I've got to go guys," I force out wobbly, ending the call and throwing my phone against the wall as I shove my head deeper into the bed and sob into the fresh smelling linen. My mind immediately starts thinking of all the things I've done wrong, the exact moments I've screwed up and how I've made people hate me so much, Why these people hate me so much.

'Slut. Stripper. Fake. Golddigging. Ugly. Untalented.Bitch.'

The words swim around my head blocking everything else, I feel so isolated, I know how dangerous it is to be alone with my thoughts, I grab fistfuls of my hair and pull hard in an attempt to stop the many nasty thoughts in my head. I drag my laptop out of my case and open up twitter in one tab, Instagram in another and the daily mail comments section too.

I scrutinise every comment made or tweet sent before scrutinising my body in the hotel mirror and my talent in all the videos taken in the last couple weeks, picking up on every tiny thing I did wrong, every note that sounded slightly flat, every dance move that might have been out of time and every single thing that could make me seem untalented.

I've always had a hurtful relationship with my body, spending years dieting because I never think I'm skinny enough or pretty enough, sometimes I'd go days without eating so Luca and my mum could, at least that's what I'd blame it on. I've never had enough confidence to think anything I do is even considered good or talented and even though I wear false eyelashes and acrylic I try my hardest always to be truthful... even though I am lying to everyone at the moment...

See Gigi! They're right about you! You're a lying bitch!

But its better they don't know! I'd just drag them down make them hate me even more!

You think you haven't already, why'd you think Coltons so upset with you. You're a fat ugly whore... especially after last year... he was right.

I snap my laptop and throw it onto the floor, tears running like a river down my face. I pull on a very oversized sweatshirt and run out of my room, I pull up the hood and run down onto the street to hail a Cab.

My safe place. I think as I step out further onto the stage, the only place in the world where nothing can touch me, where everything just floats away and disappears into the sea of people. When I got in the Cab I knew there was only one place I wanted to be... here, the stage.

They've left the piano out from the last show, the reflection of a single overhead light bounces of its shiny black, oblivion top. I walk over slowly, trailing my hand across the smooth lid and lifting it gently, I perch on the stool facing the thousands of empty seats, once occupied by music hungry fans. I close my eyes, finding comfort in the silence, you could hear a pin drop. The hurt still crushing me from within as a few more tears slip out of my closed eyes. I hide the sob that tries to push through my lips by hitting a key on the piano. I turn the key into a chord and turn the chords into a melancholy melody, the angelic notes fill the room, ricocheting off the empty seats. Each chord suppressing the anguish and guilt pent up inside me, tears fall down my cheeks dropping onto my oversized hoodie. I open my mouth, strained lyrics come tumbling out rhythmically, fitting perfectly with the melody. I've never been able to talk about my feelings but when I'm writing they easily just pour out. 

"Isolated by you,

Though I really try to,

You can never be enough,

Why are trying to lie though?

Life drags you on, I just want to stop and get off."

"I can't take it anymore,

I don't want to be here anymore,

Suppressed by all I've ever done,

The pains much too strong..."

I fall down onto the keys, my hand pulls at my hair whilst the other one tries to muffle the ferocious sobs that are now echoing around the dark stadium.

This is what you deserve, go home, pack up your things and go back to the brother you neglected, go back to where you belong. That's not here. It never will be.

I feel a hand on my back and I jolt up, looking straight into Coltons eyes, hurt and concern runs through them, tangling around his pupils like ivy, I can see I have hurt him too. I probably screwed it up with his girlfriend because of my whoreish ways or he's realising I'm not worth the hassle and wants my fat ass off the tour. Before he can open his mouth I jump up and move away from him.

"I'm sorry I hurt you Colton, but you should stay away from me anyway, you don't need someone like me dragging you down. I'm sorry okay?" I gasp between small breaths of air, he looks at me dumbfounded, mouth open, eyes...sad? I quickly turn on my heel and run out of the stadium in floods of tears.

Hey guys! I really hoped you enjoyed the chapter and I hope you guys are good!

What are we thinking of the most recent chapters? Any predictions, or anything you guys wanna see? 

Thanks for reading, 

Iz x