The strong smell of weed floats in the dense air as a gaggle of kids come whizzing past me on spray-painted BMX bikes and broken scooters. The air, stagnant with tension, my feet are planted on the graffitied floor and reluctant to move forward.

In the entrance to the flat block, two small girls sit giggling, playing with tattered barbie dolls, most of which had broken limbs, and teddy bears that are either balding or losing stuffing. I smile to myself, they remind me of Sofia and me when we were younger, the endless hours we'd sit in the hallways playing with dispirited dolls, making up fantasy scenarios. The darkening sky was foreshadowing of the mood in the courtyard surrounded by dingy hackney flat blocks and my personal mood, not to mention the likely shit storm that's going to go down when I step inside the shoebox.

Taking a short breath of the mephitic air I stride towards my mums flat. Pepping myself up the whole way. I've only come so i can tell her about the tour and my new job, I have no idea how she's going to react though. She's never been supportive of my silly dreams to become a singer, she's never once come to any talent shows or school productions, even when I was cast as Elphaba in the year eleven winter showcase nor has she found the decency to drag herself to any of my gigs, she doesn't care how much work and effort I've put into my music- she thinks it's a distraction from 'actual' work, meaning she thinks I'll get distracted from paying for her drugs and alcohol, not to mention being her on-call nanny for Luca.

I stand outside the flat door, twirling my soft hair around one of my fingers. My hand moves forwards and backwards towards the door handle more times than a cable car.

Just knock... or I could come back later... or don't be a pussy just bloody do it.

My still bruised knuckles collide with the dirty plastic door panels a few times. I hold my breath waiting for any sound of movement from inside of the flat. Nothing but silence. I push on the conveniently unlocked handle, cigarette smoke slaps me round the face staggering my breath. I waft the air in front of my face as I push open the door cautiously, casting a line of yellow light from the hallway into the darkened front room.

"Hello?" I call out over the top of the shopping channel that's whining away on the TV.

I shut the door behind me and turn on a small lamp next to that empty liquor bottles and flattened fag butts.

My mums bunched up on the sofa, either unconscious or just asleep, her matted hair covering her face but shes made no effort to hide the small bag with white residue in that rests in her hand. I shake my head and press two fingers to her neck, just to check, unfortunately, this has become a very regular precaution over the past few years.

I can feel the faint thumping under my skin.

"Gigi?" A small voice sounds quietly from across the room,

Luca's head is poking around the doorway apprehensively, I know he gets scared seeing his mother in this state.

"Hey, little one!" I say walking up to him in a hushed tone. I press my index finger to my lips and sweep him up into my arms taking him into the kitchen and closing the door behind me. The longer mum stays passed out the longer I have before I have to tell her.

I glance around the kitchen, the washing machine is sat in a puddle of water with dirty clothes spilling out, there are cracked glasses and smashed china plates on the floor- indicating mum has had another domestic with the prick she calls a boyfriend, there are mountains of uncleaned kitchenware and mouldy fruit sat on the kitchen table, rotting away. I only bloody cleaned a few days ago. I sigh and catch sight of the fridge,

"You eaten yet?" I ask Luca whos sat cross-legged on a kitchen chair colouring something in his notebook. He shakes his head, not removing the pencil from the paper.

I open the fridge, I might as well feed the monster whilst I wait for her to wake up.

The yellow light flickers inside the old fridge, illuminating a bottle of milk, a few mouldy peppers and half a block of cheese.

Conclusion- Frozen pizza it is.

I rummage through the freezer draws and pull out a pepperoni pizza, bung it in the dogy oven and wait for the crust to brown.

I sit and watch him take small bites of the pizza in-between colouring, how am I going to tell him? I don't want him to think I'm abandoning him, I know that feeling all too well.

I ruffle his hair and he looks up and smiles at me,

"Lukey, you know I love you so much right?"

"Yeah, I love you more though silly." He leans over and hugs me before returning to his colouring.

"Listen, Hunny, I might not be able to see you as much as I do at the moment because I need to go away for work, but it's only for a short while and then I'll be back! Uncle Bleus going to take you to school and then he'll take you to his to have tea with him, Zada and her grandad!"

He stops colouring and looks up at me,

"But I thought you work here? In London in the big, tall building! If you're not here Who else is going to cook my chicken nuggets right or help me do my homework? And... and... Mummy won't take me to the park!" he scowls at me.

God this is breaking my heart, this is exactly why I didn't want to take this job!

"Well baby, I've got a new job that means I have to travel about for a bit! Sofie and Jacob will take you to the park and cook your nuggets... even though Sofia might end up setting fire to the flat..." He giggles " Jacobs already got a new game you two can play and I know you'll beat him easily because he's too slow! You'll get to spend more time with Zada! And Uncle Bleu! You won't even realise I'm gone." He looks at the floor, his eyes clouding with sadness.

"Whats you're new job?" he enquires, surprising me slightly.

"Well, I'm going to be singing for people in different places for the next couple of months..."

"Like you sing to me...? With your guitar?" I nod, " Well that's ok... I love your singing Gigi and I think other people will too...maybe I can come and watch you like the other people will...?" Tears line my lashline, he's too fucking precious for me to handle, he has the biggest heart and it's being ruined by living in these conditions... I have to do this for him, give him a better chance and make him proud!

"You will call me though and I can come and visit you... I want to see you sing again!"

I choke back the sobs and nod violently, I grab his small body and pull him into me,

" Of course baby! I love you so much! How about we sing now... together?" he pulls away from me and runs over to the small radio sitting on the kitchen counter, the dials are all broken or falling out the sockets but it still worked.

Capital radio blares out Nick Jonas' Jealous, I let out a mini scream and swing Luca around in the air, letting my JoBro fan girl out. We dance around the kitchen, harmonising with the chorus. Luca stands on the counter doing his best air guitar which makes me chuckle.

"What the fuck is going on in here!" Luca and I freeze and turn to the door, mum is stood there lighting a cigarette in her stained dressing gown looking moody as ever. She's got a fresh bruise under her right eye and her lip has a bloody slit down the middle. Luca turns the radio off and I help him down from the counter.

"Finally come to see me then? Do you have my money yet? I've spent my allowance this week and we've no food." She steps closer to me, I pull a cheque out of my pocket and hand it to her, that's my last months pay at Niki's. She squints at my face, still showing evidence from mine and Colton's fight.

"Christ, what happened to you? Are you back with-"

"More like what happened to you?" I cut her off and raise my thumb to her lip to wipe away some blood, I should have become a bloody nurse.

She swats my hand away and shuffles over to the kettle, wabbling a few times before using the counter to balance herself.

"Mummy, look at what-"

"Not now Lu, mummy has a headache." His face drops and anger fills my core. He holds the picture he's been drawing in his hand as she pours the water out of the kettle with shaking hands.

"Why are you here anyway? You usually send Bleu to pick him up."

Oh god, here goes...

"Luca, why don't you go to your room and draw me something I can take with me? I'll come in and say bye before I go okay?" he nods and trots away reluctantly.

"Take where..? Actually whilst you're here can you go next door and see if Denny has anymore cocai-"

"No for fucks sake mum, you're getting worse! And so is Lucas safety here!"

"How dare you! I am absolutely fine and so is my son! I can't believe you would say that to your mother! I raised you, fed you and.. did the other stuff!"

"Hardly" I mutter under my breath, "I need to talk to you anyway."

She walks past me with her cup of tea, trailing steam, and perches in one of the kitchen chairs.

"Well, talk then... I haven't got all day." She says between sips.

She does fuck all except get high and drink so I have no clue why she makes out she's busy.

I start twirling my hair again between my now shaking fingers, I sit down in the chair opposite and stare at the marmite stain on the wood table, this is it, just say it...

" So, I Uhm, I've got to go away for a few months... for work... its uh a new job-"

"Did you get fired from that PR place? I didn't think you'd last that long. not a place for people like us. How long are you going, I need a break from Luca, Gigi!? You'll still have to send the paychecks home to me actually... are you getting more money?" She rattles off,

"Uh no I didn't get fired I resigned because this one... needs my... uh, full attention-"

"What is it then?" She asks still looking incredibly uninterested.

"Well... actually I uh... I'm going to be singing-"

"For fucks sake Giovanna, not this crap again! You quit your fucking job for this! When are you going to stop chasing this ridiculous fantasy of yours? I need you around to look after Lucas and without being rude Hunny, you don't think you're going to actually 'make it' do you? Simon Cowell's hardly going to be popping round for tea anytime soon" she snorts in laughter.

My heart sinks, my mums never encouraged me or supported me as a normal mum does, she's always belittled my dreams and she's half the reason I have such little confidence in my music or really anything I do, maybe if I tell her I actually got signed she might-

"Listen, babe, you take this.. 'Job', you might as well not bother coming back around here... to this family." She sips nonchalantly at her tea,

What?

'What do you mean?"

"You're leaving me when I need your help! I can't handle all of this alone! I'm fed up of being the only one pulling the weight around here. You get to leave and follow this careless dream without thinking about any repercussions on your family! I remember all the sleepless nights I've had because you've been up playing your stupid guitar, you've cost me time and money and so far you've got fuck all to show for it, Gigi! If you haven't got anywhere by now you're not going to get anywhere! It's embarrassing! People talk around here, people talk about you! They talk about me and how foolish you are!"

Anger coils up my core, this is why I don't come round, I'm fed up of being her emotional punching bag. My fists curl into balls, an overwhelming sense of worthlessness pours through my system.

"Fine! I never wanted to come back after I moved out anyway! I only come back for Luca because he's in danger with you as his mother! You don't give a shit about your kids, you never have done! You're pathetic! No wonder my dad left!"

I snap my mouth shut as soon as the last few words flow out. Shit, I really shouldn't have said that. She looks up at me with tear-filled eyes.

"You don't think you might be a reason he left Giovanna, maybe he didn't want to be around to watch you fail at your singing shit. Maybe he knew what an embarrassment you'd become! Guess what Gigi, you will fail, you are nothing special! Nothing but a little wanna be! So go, do you but DON'T BOTHER COMING BACK, I DON'T WANT A FAILURE AS A DAUGHTER ANYWAY DON'T EVEN COME BACK FOR YOUR BROTHER, HE'LL SOON SEE WHAT A STUPID LITTLE GIRL YOU ARE!"

She throws the ashtray against the wall and collapses into the chair, lighting another cigarette. Tears threaten to spill down my face but I still need to see Luca and I don't want him to see me upset. I've always known my mum was cold-hearted, especially after my dad left, but I really have no words for what she's just said. My gut twists in pain and my cheeks heat up. A lump forms in my throat coving the void of sobs that lay beneath it. With spite dripping from my tongue I muster two words before storming out of the kitchen towards Luca's room.

"Fuck you."

I march down the hallway with tear blurred vision, my heart cracking every step I take, my palms burn in my balled-up fists. The lump in my throat grows with each excruciating word she said swimming back around my fogged mind, gnawing away at my last remaining bit of self-confidence. If I'd ever felt more doubt about whether I was doing the right thing... it was now.

Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Apologies for any grammar or punctuation errors!

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Iz x