Epilogue: Part 2
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Wala kaming game ngayon so I used this day to run errands that I couldn't do for the past days because of training and series of games that I needed to attend to.

I have been busy for the past weeks, up until now busy pa rin naman ako pero that’s how I like it. It’s not like may iba akong pinaglalaanan ng oras. Kapag hindi ako busy, that’s the time where I feel most lonely kaya kahit minsan nakakapagod, mas okay na rin talaga na occupied kaysa naman in-o-overthink lahat ng bagay.

I was on my way back to West Avenue to do some stuff at school when I got into an accident. It feels like my whole life flashed through my eyes in a span of seconds. Sobrang bilis ng mga pangyayari, bigla na lang akong tumama sa center island kasi may iniwasan akong motor na sumemplang.

As much as I wanted to check on the guy, hindi ako makagalaw sa pwesto ko. Na-stuck ‘yung legs ko somewhere sa ilalim. It hurts but other than that I'm fine, maybe because of the airbag. I’m still trying to check on the guy, mamaya hindi ko pala talaga siya naiwasan. Naka-motor pa man din, too risky. I can’t say that I’m at fault kasi siya naman ang biglang sumulpot but I can’t help but worry.

Marami ng tao ang nagkukumpulan malapit sa may sasakyan, I just want to get out of here, my legs hurt like hell and I’m also scared that this car might explode anytime soon for whatever reason there is. I don’t want to get badly injured please and worse comes worse, I don’t want to die yet.

Help came and I was rescued and got out of my car. I can’t walk. That moment I was so scared. Ngayon na lang ulit ako nakaramdam ng ganitong takot. Halo-halo na ang nararamdaman ko, hilo, sakit pero malala talaga ay iyong takot that I passed out.

When I woke up, I’m not really sure if I really woke up or nananaginip lang ako, maybe some transition in my dream kaya nakikita ko si Teigan ngayon. I blinked a couple of times to make my eyes less blurry. I tried to sit up but I saw my leg with a cast on it. Napatitig lang ako roon na as if ayaw kong tanggapin na iyon talaga ang lagay ng binti at paa ko ngayon.

It’s PCAA season. Bakit sa lahat ng oras naman, ngayon pa talaga? I guess whatever I went through is not yet enough karma for what I did years ago.

Hanggang ngayon pinaparusahan pa rin ako. Hanggang ngayon hinahabol pa rin ako ng nakaraan ko.

My eyes shifted when someone spoke. “Labas muna ako, bili lang ako pagkain.” What is Zoe Santiaguel doing here? This is getting weirder and weirder. Is this really a dream or what? Sobrang random naman ng mga nangyayari.

I wish I could wake up to a better reality. I don’t want to get injured, playing volleyball is what keeps me going. It couldn't end right now.

Bumalik ang tingin ko kay Teigan. His image is clearer now, and his stares are getting real. I tried to get up again but I just couldn’t do it. Teigan helped me sit up kaya ramdam na ramdam ko sita.

So, this is really happening.

“Bakit ka nandito? May laro ka ah,” I asked. I know he has a game today because planned to watch his game earlier. I always watch his games kahit na hindi live, I always make sure to watch kahit replay pa ‘yan. Kahit hindi niya alam at kahit pa ayaw niya, I will always support him in whatever he wants to do in his life.

I think this is the first time in years that I get to talk to him and see him this close. Felling ko kasi wala na nga akong karapatan na lumapit sa kanya at maging parte ng buhay niya kaya naman I chose to distance myself to him, I knew my place in his life, kung mayroon man.

“Hindi naman ako katulad mo,” sagot niya naman agad sa akin which is true but we aren’t friends anymore so I wouldn't take it to heart if he did not ditch the game for me.

Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko sa kaniya nang sabihin niya iyon. I don't know the right words to say plus tinamaan na rin ako ng hiya.

Of course, paanong hindi ako mahihiya? Ginawa niya ‘yung bagay na hindi ko nagawa para sa kanila. Nakakahiya ako.

I was really glad to see him, I always felt lonely when he cut me off and Eric passed away. Life's never the same for me, although I have friends in the team and in class, it still felt different with them. They have always been my ride or die but I guess it wasn’t the same for them kasi ako ‘yung tipong tatakbuhan sila when it gets rough but seeing him now felt less lonely, na para bang I still got him by my side after all those years of not talking.

I really should’ve been there. How lonely and scared he must've felt when he’s the only one who saw Eric slowly drifting away. I tried to stop it but my tears streamed down and even before I could wipe it away, Teigan already saw it.

I haven’t explained my side to Teigan since then kasi alam ko naman na mali ako and also I didn't have the chance to explain my side about what happened pero hindi ko pinilit kasi kahit ano pa man ang dahilan hindi naman na no’n mababago na hindi pa rin ako pumunta at kasalanan ko rin naman na ginamit ko ‘yung laro as an excuse para sa kaduwagan ko.

“I'm sorry for being a coward, I was afraid to see Eric dying. I refuse to see him slowly going away, that's why hindi ako pumunta,” I finally said and he just nodded. He looks like he's finally ready to accept my reasons.

“I'm sorry if you felt like pinabayaan ko na lang kayong dalawa, I'm sorry for failing you as a friend,” I added. I’ll forever be sorry for what happened that day. I know hindi ko naman kontrol ang nangyari but still, I still want to apologize for failing them both when all they did was to support me.

I’ll forever be sorry and I’ll forever regret.

That moment, for someone who can’t play this season– I was the happiest kasi naging okay na kami ni Teigan. I don't know if I should be thankful to that accident because ayoko pa rin naman no'ng nangyari pero siguro it happens for reason at some point. 

We just calmly talked about what happened and what we did wrong but it seems like it healed most of my scars.

It’s long overdue, akala ko hindi na mangyayari but it seems like pagod na rin siya na magalit sa akin and he just want to move on from what happened when we were in high school. Me too. I wanted to breakfree already but it isn’t easy at all.

***

“Amin na ‘yang phone ko.” I really am happy na okay na kami ni Teigan pero sa tagal naming hindi nagpansinan nalimutan ko na makulit ang isang ‘to.

“Bakit ba? Magpahinga ka lang diyan,” masungit na sagot niya sa akin. I haven’t contacted anyone since I got into accident, baka nag-aalala na mga teammates ko dahil injured ako.

I have accepted that I wouldn't be able to continue playing this season pero nanghihinayang pa rin ako pero kaya naman ‘yon ng teammates ko, it’s not as if ako lang ang bumubuhat sa amin, hindi naman ako ganoong kayabang kahit na malaki ang tiwala ko sa skills ko.

“My teammates haven’t heard from me, I need to message them.” Kinuha niya ang phone kong basag pero gumagana pa rin naman. Akala ko ibibigay niya sa akin pero tinanong niya lang ako kung anong passcode.

“Ako na bilis,” he demanded when I refused to tell him the code. Mukhang hindi niya talaga ako pagagamitin ng phone hangga’t siya ang nagbabantay sa akin so sinabi ko na lang sa kaniya. Feeling nito injured ang buong katawan ko at hindi ko kayang mag-type sa sarili ko.

“Hm?” May pagtataka sa boses niya kaya napatingin ako. Wala naman akong tinatago sa phone ko kaya ewan ko kung anong nakita niya.

“Close kayo ng ka-team ni Zoella?” Nasagot na kung bakit nakita ko si Zoe Santiaguel sa hospital room ko at iyon ay dahil they sort of together and she got worried that Teigan is nowhere to be found when their game started.

“Who?”

“Kalila Go?” sagot niya naman kaya napabangon nanaman ako nang wala sa oras kaya pinaningkitan niya ako ng mata.

“Paano mo nalaman? Did she say something?” I asked. I couldn’t say that we’re that close but we sometimes talk to each other.

“Oh chill,” natatawang sabi niya sa akin. “May message kasi siya, okay ka naman daw ‘di ba?” I nodded. I actually didn’t think she’d care because like what I said we weren't  that close even though we have talked a couple of times.

“Pst, pagaling ka raw. Yiee,” Teigan teased. I rolled my eyes at him.

“Alam mo magkaibigan talaga tayo. Mahilig sa green and white.” Kung ano-ano pang pang-aasar ang sinabi niya sa akin na hindi ko na pinansin.

Hindi ko pa naman gusto si Go the way he likes Santiaguel but I do like her as a person and I wanted to be friends with her because I learn a lot from her.

Some of my teammates immediately visited me when I messaged them then Teigan left the hospital in the afternoon as he had to make up on the team for ditching the game so I was left alone but it’s fine. Wala naman akong ibang ginagawa and I can call a nurse if I badly need help.

Kalila Go: Tanong mo nga siya kung okay lang pumunta ako, thank you.

I’m shocked at first when she messaged me that. I didn’t know she was that worried to consider visiting me. I guess we’re really friends now, I hope that’s the case with her as well.

“Makakapaglaro ka pa naman 'di ba?” she immediately asked when she saw the current situation of my legs.

“No,” I answered. Obviously, it was a joke but I’m not someone who’s great at telling jokes so she look so bothered and sad that she was about to cry because of what I said so I immediately said what I meant by that. Luckily, I can still play next season and I wasn’t badly hurt that I needed to stop playing permanently.

“Malamang. Gustong-gusto mo kaya maglaro, paano na lang kapag 'yung gustong-gusto mo hindi mo na magagawa ever? Ayoko naman ng gano'n sa kahit na sino,” she answered when I asked her if she was nervous.

I felt appreciated when she said that. There are times when I feel like being devoted to this sport is useless but at the end of the day I just can’t give it up.

She really looked relieved when she knew that I could still play.

Supposedly, she will go home already but because of the bad situation that commuters in the Philippines struggles with everyday she decided to stay with me for the night and I really felt at peace and less lonely because of that not until Niccho came the next morning.

“You’re close with her?” Bakit ba lahat sila nagtataka na kilala ko si Go? Bawal na ba?

“So what?” Tinawanan lang ni Niccho ang pagsusungit ko while napapailing na lang din si Ilanna sa kaniya. Go left already kaya naiwan ako kasama ‘tong sila Niccho.

“Wala lang. And you ha, you're so sweet to her ah.” He even mocked ehat I said to Go before she left.

“Hindi ba ako mabait sa inyo?” Walang pag-aalinlangan na umiling si Niccholo and buti na lang andito si Ilanna dahil masisiraan lang ako ng bait dito kay Niccholo.

“Gian’s good to me too, maybe you are the problem,” Ilanna joked kaya siya na ang kinulit ni Niccho. Buti na lang talaga.

***

The first game this season without me came, I know I said I’m fine about it pero may part pa rin sa akin na nanghihinayang dahil doon but I just want to look at the bright side na at least this year lang ako hindi makakapaglaro, at least pwede na next year at kailangan ko lang pagbutihin ang recovery ko.

I decided not to watch the game so I won’t feel bad about it besides I have a lot of things to do since I was absent for a long time. I also have to talk to our coach about my rehab sessions. I want to recover as soon as possible.

I try not to open social media apps because of the game but then I still want to support my teammates and congratulate them as they won. I messaged my teammates and watched some highlights since I still don’t want to watch the full game, I’ll just overthink it.

While scrolling, I saw Go’s face on my timeline. I smiled when I saw that it was a post-game interview with her, I immediately clicked it.

As I watch her, ramdam ko ‘yung kaba niya. This might be her first time having an interview, I know how it feels like. She can’t even look at the camera and her eyes are looking everywhere as if people are judging her.

She looks cute though, hiyang-hiya pa siya kasi pinaulit niya ang tanong dahil hindi niya narinig or baka hindi niya masyado naintindihan, maingay kasi and walang pinasuot sa kaniyang earphones or something.

“Okay naman po, super saya and thanks to everyone po especially my teammates,” sagot niya before the interview ended then she waved her hand on the camera. She really looks awkward and shy in contrast to how she looks inside the court, very focused and serious.

Because of that interview, instead of watching my teammates’ game, I opted to watch SHU vs West Hill women’s volleyball game and watch Kalila Go play.

I don’t usually watch games from the women’s volleyball bukod sa mga highlights ng mga volleyball player namin and unless curious ako but I really like watching Go play. Ang fascinating na hindi naman talaga niya ‘yan gusto in the first place but because of the benefits ay ginagawa niya. Learning the game for a short period of time and playing it really well says a lot about her potential.

Minutes later, Ilanna went to my unit to give me food. I can cook on my own pero sabi niya at ni Niccholo na ‘wag daw ako masyadong gumalaw-galaw kaya kahit pigilan ko ay dinadalhan nila ako ng pagkain.

May schedule pa nga yata silang dalawa kung sino ang magdadala. Hinayaan ko na lang.

“Oh? That’s Kalila,” kumento niya dahil andito nga siya sa tabi ko habang nakikinood at sinasabayan ako kumain. Uuwi na daw siya after niyang ligpitin ang kinainan naming dalawa.

“Yeah.” She looked at me using her innocent eyes pero nag-shrug lang siya after. Ano kaya iniisip nito? Masama yatang naging close sila ni Niccho e.

“She’s so cool, no?” tanong niya nang i-close up ng camera si Kalila after niyang mag-save ng bola.

“Yeah,” tanging sagot ko while focusing my eyes on the screen.

“She’s good din pala,” dugtong niya pa.

“Yeah.”

“And pretty.”

“Yeah.”

“And you like her.”

“Yeah.” Ilanna laughed and that’s the only time I took my eyes off the screen, saka ko lang din na-realize ang ginawa niya pero I didn’t waste my energy defending myself.

“Panoorin mo. Ang galing ng team niyo.” I really appreciate that Go makes me feel good, she makes sure that I don't feel bad about my injury and that I have someone by my side. She really has this side of her that she genuinely cares for me without making it so obvious and she’s accomplishing it everytime, gumagaan talaga ang loob ko kapag andiyan siya.

"I watched your interview though." I looked at her and she looked shocked. I mean it’s all over the internet, paanong hindi ko mapapanood ‘di ba?

"Sa lahat naman ng panonoorin mo 'yon pa," reklamo niya slightly pouting her lips. "You were making fun of mine so I watched yours,” I teased. She really looks shy upon recalling her first post-game interview. To be honest, it was not bad, it’s just normal to get nervous and shy or awkward in front of the camera, we’re not actors in the first place. We’re not trained for that.

“First time ko kaya.” I just stifled a smile dahil baka mainis na siya nang tuluyan sa akin.

***

“Are you really not going to watch?” Niccho asked. Championship na and pasok na ang team namin and of course I am happy pero hindi ko pa rin pinapanood ang mga games nila ever since nanood kami ni Go noong nakaraan. Speaking of, I haven’t talked to her in a while, super busy siguro niya kasi pasok din sila sa finals e.

“I’m going to watch,” sagot ko. Finals naman na e and I know mas nakakaramdam naman siguro ako na proud ako sa kanila kaysa sa panghihinayang na sana kasama nila akong naglalaro.

“Live?” Umiling naman ako. Okay na sa TV na lang ako manonood.
Tinapik ako ni Niccho sa balikat at tumango.

“Okay, if you change your mind just tell me.” Nilapag niya ang maliit na white envelope sa center table bago siya umalis para makabalik sa training.

I made sure to finish everything I have to do so I can watch their game peacefully. They are against Teigan’s team which is RVU. Of course, I’m also rooting for him but I trust my guys, they’ll win this one. Whatever the result is, I’m proud of Teigan and my teammates.

In the end, I just want the game to end safely and soundly. I don’t wish any injury to any player because as an athlete with injury, it’s really a nightmare.

When the game started, I couldn't help but smile because Niccholo is really doing a good job, I still can't stop thinking that the one I’m watching on the screen is the one annoying me everyday. Umpisa pa lang but it feels like he is already on fire, I want to thank him because I know at some point he’s filling the spot that I left empty. I’ll make it up to him by recovering well and keeping myself healthy.

Teigan’s good at playing as well, I heard he’s one of the good players of RVU. Marami rin nagsasabi na maganda ang impact niya sa team kasi naging maganda ang standing nila nang mabigyan siya ng mas mahabang playing time.

I know he hated the game before, but I can’t help but be happy that he’s doing well in that same sport that he hated because of me.

The game was intense, it was worthy to be called championships as it lasted up to 5th set and ended with us winning.

Pinatay ko na ang TV at nang maibaba ko ang remote napansin ko na andoon pa rin pala ang ticket na binigay ni Niccho sa akin. Kinuha ko iyon at binuksan, sayang dapat pala pina-give away na lang niya iyon.

Isasara ko na sana ang envelope nang mapansin na dalawa iyong ticket. Akala ko nadoble lang pero nahagip ng mata ko ang SHU vs RVU na nakalagay. Nailing na lang ako. Napaka talaga no’n ni Niccholo.

I really don’t know what got into me, I just woke up and felt like I needed to watch the women's volleyball game. I haven’t watch Go play live ever at parang gusto ko siya panoorin. Hindi sapat na sa TV lang, I wanted to see her on a full court.

I know Niccholo would really be satisfied with kapag nalaman niya na kumagat ako sa trap niya but I guess alam naman niya from the start kung ano ang feelings ko and there’s no point in denying. The guy’s annoying but he’s not dumb as I thought he is.

I didn’t tell anyone, basta na lang ako pumunta. I can walk just fine already but just to be sure I still brought my crutch.

I wanted to disguise pero mas mukha lang akong suspicious kapag nagsuot ako ng facemask so I just wear my usual.

Pagdating ko sa venue, people noticed me immediately which is fine medyo ang bilis nga lang, I mean they are fans of PCAA so they kinda know me pero medyo gulat pa rin ako. I took pictures with some of them no’ng hindi pa nag-s-start ang game but the moment it started I declined already. I am here to watch the game so I hope they understand that I wanted my full attention to be on the game and of course, on the SHU’s libero.

I kinda like that Go’s a libero because it’s not hard to find her among the players kahit pa malayo because of her different uniform.

Go's usually serious but when she’s inside the court I observed that she’s still serious but very calculating. Kahit nasa bench pa lang siya, she looks like studying something for an exam. I really like that about her. Tama lang pala na nanood ako ng live, kahit nasa bench lang siya ay kita ko siya.

RVU’s setter is really great, kaya pala medyo kunot ang noo ni Go kanina sa kaniya. She’s really hard to read and that’s a very good quality of a setter. SHU’s setter is great as well and uses her hitter well but I think mas naguguluhan sila sa set no’ng Suarez.

Dahil doon sa mga set na hindi nila mabasa agad, Go has to strengthen their floor defense even more and I guess nagagawa naman niya. I hope she doesn’t get hurt kasi minsan umaabot na siya sa mga barricade and feeling ko ang sama ng bagsak niya sa lapag but seeing her continue, mukhang wala lang naman sa kaniya iyon.

SHU adjusted later on which led them to their win.

Bababa na sana ako just to try if makapasok ako sa may waiting area but then naharang ako ng ilang nagpapa-picture, I hope this won’t be an issue dahil wala namang West Hill sa game ngayon plus I’m also seating at SHU’s side. Niccho knows this well.

Nang makababa na ako papuntang waiting area I saw David na palabas naman mula roon and is walking towards me. “Nanood ka? Uy ah anong mayroon? Kami hindi mo pinanood tapos biglang andito ka?” Bakit ko nga ba nakalimutan na may girlfriend siyang taga-SHU rin at kung bakit naman sa laki ng arena makikita ko pa siya.

“Sawa na ako sa inyo, I literally played with all of you most of the time,” katwiran ko. Pinaningkitan niya lang ako ng mata at tinapik sa braso.

We talked about their game and training tapos tinanong niya lang ako about sa injury ko and we separated our ways already.

“Hi,” bati sa akin ni Ceres nang makita ako sa labas ng waiting room nila. Tumango lang ako sa kaniya at sumilip nang kaunti sa may pintuan kung andoon ba si Go.

“Si Kaia ba?” tanong niya sa akin as she looked at me suspiciously. I guess matagal na silang dalawa ni David, they are acting almost the same already.

“Yup,” sagot ko na lang. Iyon naman ang totoo e.

“Tawagin ko lang wait.” Nginitian niya ako muli bago niya tinawag si Go sa may waiting room.

I wanted to congratulate her personally before I go home kaya pumunta muna ako rito. I don’t know if alam niyang nandito ako pero baka hindi dahil occupied siya with the game. I also don’t know kung may pake ba siya kung nandito ako o wala.

“Sobrang bored mo na ba? Nanood ka pa ng laro kahit wala namang West Hill ngayon.” Why is she asking that? Aren’t we friends? Bawal ba ako manood because of her? Kailangan may ibang dahilan? Or kailangan ba team ko lang ang panonoorin ko?

“Kailangan ba bored ako bago ka panoorin?” I asked. Even if I’m bored I won’t make an effort to watch this game live dahil lang wala akong magawa, I can always watch it at home or do other things to keep me occupied. Sarili ko ngang team hindi ko pinanood live e.

“I came to watch you, okay?” I said directly because with the look on her face, she doesn’t get it.

I watched her 2nd game too since kapag nanalo sila roon, champion na sila and I can’t miss that opportunity. I wanna be there on her first win.
I didn’t tell her that I was coming, ayoko na rin abalahin pa siya. I just want her to focus on this game and finish it headstrong. 

Maganda ang naging laro nila, kaya kahit matalo or manalo worth it naman but I hope manalo na sila, I know the feeling na umaabot pa ng 3rd game and mas nakakakaba iyon.

She’s more relax in today’s game kaysa sa previous na halatang kabado siya. I can sense na mas confident siya ngayon maybe because may isang panalo na sila or baka mas motivated lang talaga siya. Ano pa man ‘yon, it’s nice seeing her confident and relaxed.
I got a good feeling about that.

SHU's main problem was the setter of RVU but it was SHU's setter who ended the game.

I stood up and clapped my hands as SHU won.

Go looks so happy after the game, ngayon ko lang yata siya nakita na ganiyan kasaya. She really looks prettier with a smile on. I can watch her all day and so I took the chance and took photos of her wearing her smile. It’s worth remembering.

***

I’m completely healed from my injury. I can walk normally, I can drive already, and I don’t feel pain anymore. I wanted to play and train with my teammates already pero ayaw pa nila pati ni Coach dahil tapusin ko na muna raw ‘yung sessions ko sa rehab then kapag puro follow up sessions na lang ang natira, saka na daw ako mag-train ulit.

Kating-kati na ako maglaro parang ilang taon na akong hindi naglalaro kahit ilang buwan pa lang naman.
Okay naman na kasi talaga ako kaya iba na lang ang inaya ko.

I was about to ask some friends from another school but I thought this is a great excuse to see Go. If pumayag siya makipaglaro sa akin edi much better, I get to see her then I get to play as well.

“So akala mo papayag ako?” Unfortunately, hindi rin siya pumayag dahil kagagaling ko lang daw. I slumped my shoulders because I really want to play pero gets ko naman kung bakit hindi sila pumapayag.

“Alam ko na. Magbilyar na lang tayo,” she suggested to make me feel better kaya pumayag na rin ako kasi I want to spend time with her too. Hindi ko naman kasi siya laging nakikita tsaka nakakasama kasi busy tapos magkaiba naman kami ng school and it’s not like I could always ask her to see me, hindi naman kami for me to demand whenever I miss her.

“Tell me a secret when I win," I said. Sometimes I feel like I know her already but there are times that she seems like a mystery to me. Maybe, private person lang talaga siya but I wanted to know more about her because I really admire her. There’s really something that makes me drawn to her.

I took my time playing pool with her, it’s fun seeing her so serious about it kahit na friendly game lang naman ‘to. I’m enjoying watching her little celebration kapag nakaka-shoot siya hanggang sa may mga dumating na group of guys na nagpa-picture sa kaniya. I know it’s not impossible because she’s a great player, sisikat at sisikat din siya. Mas impossible kung walang nakaka-appreciate sa skills niya but then again I still felt a little jealous and selfish by wanting her attention all to me.

“Gusto kita.” Parang nakalimutan ko huminga ng ilang segundo nang marinig iyon mula sa kaniya. Nakalimutan ko rin paano magsalita dahil sa pagkagulat.

To be honest, I receive confessions from time to time and I know how to actually reply to those pero iba pala talaga when the confession is from someone who you actually like.

I am really happy with that confession but then she also said that she’ll eventually move on from it.

“Will you really move on already?” I asked. Ganoon na lang ba ‘yon? Hindi pa nga nag-uumpisa e.

“Oo, kagaya ng sabi ko sa 'yo before, marami akong responsibilidad at problema. Kung sa 'yo hindi burden 'yung feelings ko pwes sa akin oo.” Okay? That actually hurt but I perfectly understand her.

There’s a lot on her plate already and dealing with feelings is the least she wants to think of but it still hurts.

***

I was invited for an interview since I recovered from injury. Hindi lang naman ako ang athlete na in-interview but for some reasons my interview got trending.

People got so curious about my answer in the interview, it was harmless and wala namang malisya but people got so interested about it thinking that I was referring to a lover. Go’s name was even mentioned that people started flooding her with comments about me and our relationship status, pictures of us together surfaced and people are concluding that I was talking about her.

People are asking me as well, Teigan was the only one who knew that I was talking about Eric and it’s not their fault na hindi nila alam, ang akin lang bakit nila ako pinapangunahan, those people who concluded and make it an issue should not act as if they know everything without solid basis. Nadamay pa tuloy si Go. Nanahimik ‘yong tao e.

I prioritized apologizing to her before I do something about the issue, luckily I saw her around West Hill and explained everything to her pati na rin ‘yung tungkol kay Eric sinabi ko. I wanted to tell her because I wanted to know if she would still like me after everything that I have done kasi everytime na naiisip ko ‘yong nangyari when Eric passed away, I felt so terrible about myself. Akala ko ganoon din ang mararamdaman niya but I was wrong.

“For your information lang, gusto pa rin kita. Convince me harder, Giongco.”

A lot happened during that day, but one thing’s for sure, ako rin, gusto ko pa rin siya kahit ano pang klase ng buhay ang mayroon siya and she could not convince me otherwise. Just seeing a glimpse of her life makes me want to take care of her more, I wanted to keep her by my side. Gusto ko na lang ibigay kung ano ang deserve niya. I just wanted the best for her.

If only she’d let me.

Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagod niya physically and emotionally so how could I leave her alone with all those baggage that she has to lift. I know I couldn’t do so much because that’s their family and I don’t want to meddle even though I hated her tita so much, so I just decided to pay for everything para ‘wag na niyang problemahin kahit ‘yung pera man lang.

Alam ko na hindi siya papayag na hindi niya babayaran ‘to pero at least she could pay me anytime she wants at kapag kaya na niya, hindi niya kailangan ma-pressure kasi to be honest she needs to rest from everything kahit sandali man lang.

It’s getting heavy for her and if she carries everything for a long time, it’ll just hurt her more.

***

The highlight of my day has always been playing volleyball but today, I can’t wait to check my phone if ever Kalila has a message for me. She’s in her training as well at bumabawi siya dahil sa absences niya but still, baka may message.

“Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba galing kang injury o ano kaya ka good mood pagbalik mo ng training,” my teammate commented.

Lumapit naman si Niccholo after ng turn niya sa drill. “We’re not sure about that. Pwede ring in love.” Siniko ko si Niccho dahil ang lagkit niya at the same time nakakainis siya. Obviously he knew about Kalila and I, I have no plans on making it a secret but still nakakainis pa rin si Niccho at times.

“Weh ba? So totoo pala ‘yung sa libero?” Tumango na lang ako kasi ako na ang sunod sa drill.

“Sorry, sorry.” Tinapik ako ni David sa balikat pati na rin si Niccho kasi namali siya sa isang play namin kaya nagkabunggo kami.

“It’s fine, just make sure you stand right here,” turo ko pa sa kaniya. Kumunot ang noo niya sa sinabi ko and slightly tilted his head bago nag-shrug na lang siya.

When break time came, I receive no message from the girlfriend kaya buong break ko lang inantay. David sat down beside me and drank water.

“Matunaw ‘yang phone mo uy, ano ba inaantay mo?”

“Girlfriend,” I answered without looking at him even for a second. Bigla naman siyang sumiksik sa akin.

“May girlfriend ka na? Sino?” he exclaimed.

“Hmm…Kalila,” sagot ko at tinulak siya palayo kasi nga malagkit.

***

“Hoy susunduin kita sa ayaw at sa gusto mo, wala kang magagawa,” paalala ni Teigan sa akin kahit ang aga-aga pa.

It’s Eric’s birthday and nabanggit ko kay Tei na hindi ako bumibisita kasi nga na-gui-guilty ako and that I feel so bad tapos nahihiya rin ako na para bang wala akong mapakitang mukha kay Eric.

“Nagtatampo na ‘yon sa ‘yo, hindi ka bumibisita,” panenermon niya pa. I already agreed. I feel much better na bibisita ako kasama niya. Na finally, bati na kami bago ako bumisita roon. I hope Eric’s glad.

Hindi pa ako nakakapag-ayos nang dumating si Teigan at kinaladkad ako paalis kasama niya, kahit kailan talaga ‘to e.

Our first agenda is to pick up flowers for Eric tapos bumili kami ng pagkain para sa handa niya, bumili rin kami ng cake kaya ang daming ganap kahit umaga pa lang.

“Alam mo ba 'pag bumibisita ako dito nang mag-isa medyo nag-e-expect ako na makikita ka, medyo lang naman,” pagkwento ni Teigan habang inaalis ang mga tuyot na dahon sa puntod ni
Eric.

“I’m shy to show my face here, parang wala akong karapatan,” I answered habang nilalabas ko ang mga binili namin.

Nang maayos na namin lahat, umupo kami sa harap no’n. “Kasalanan ko talaga ‘yan e. Wala ka namang masamang ginawa pero nagalit ako sa ‘yo, ganiyan tuloy naisip mo.”

“Siguro kasi may tendency na gusto ko na lang may sisihin sa nangyari para lang gumaan ‘yung pakiramdam ko, though hindi gumaan ang pakiramdam ko, mas lalo lang bumigat.”

“I’m at fault too, saying it was for a game kahi hindi naman talaga ako naglaro.” I laughed at the thought of that.

"Pwede mo akong sapakin pabalik ah kahit kailan mo gusto basta isa lang," alok niya pa sa akin, I nodded at him but of course I wouldn't do that.

Bata pa talaga siguro kami no’n, nanghihinayang ako sa mga taon na hindi kami nagpansinan but I think now is really the right time na mag-reconnect kami kasi mas mature na kami and may mga nagbago na rin sa perspective namin.

“Happy birthday, Eric. Ito na ‘yung regalo namin. Sorry natagalan,” bati ni Teigan kay Eric habang tinuturo ako.

“Happy birthday, I hope you are happy that we’re both here.”

After that, Teigan and I just talked about our memories in high school with Eric. We also catched up with what is happening with our lives for I don't know how long tapos naglaro din kaming dalawa ng volleyball and told me na gusto pa rin niya daw matalo ang West Hill then we just ended up all tired but I'm happy.

I finally feel at peace after a long time.

***

I don’t always get nervous inside the court, I actually feel most confident when I'm playing but for today’s game for this season, it was different. Sobra ang kaba ko, Teigan wasn’t joking when he said he still wanted to beat us. I don’t underestimate their team or any team out there but I can say na ang laki ng improvement nila.
They weren't like this before and kita naman because here they got into championship again for the 2nd time in a row.

Despite the nervousness, na-challenge naman ako nang sobra. I want to win this.

Last set na and lamang naman kami pero hindi pa rin ako mapalagay, marami pang pwedeng mangyari hangga’t hindi pa natatapos ang laro.

Hindi rin nagtagal at nahabol na ng RVU ang scores namin. I can easily read their play after a few sets but like what I said, marami pang pwede mangyari.

Their setter changed their play right before our eyes which earned them the last point. Even his teammates are shocked by what happened.

We lost.

It was a bad comeback for me but we still earned a place so that’s fine. Ganoon naman talaga sa laro, may talo at may panalo. I can’t expect to always win, hindi naman ganoon ‘yon and even if we lost, it doesn’t mean we’re terrible players, it’s not just our time.

Naramdaman ko ang akbay ni Niccho sa akin. “Still a good game, Gian.” I nodded at him kasi I agree, as long as it’s a good game and walang injured sa amin at sa kabila, we’re fine.

I went to my teammates and did our chant, I also congratulated them especially our seniors who are already graduating. I wish them the best in whatever path they take. I hope to meet them again inside the court and play with them in the future.

I saw Teigan and he's smiling and jumping as they won. I’m really glad that he’s enjoying this game and volleyball isn’t about me already. I’m happy that he’s genuinely happy.

“Congrats, babawi ako next year,” bati ko sa kaniya. Nag-make face naman siya.

“Asa ka pa, hindi na ako papayag,” pagmamayabang niya pabalik. We just hugged then bumalik na rin siya sa mga teammates niya to take pictures.

I scanned the crowd to look for Kaia, I wanna see her already.

Bigla namang may tumapik sa likod ko and there she is. May hawak pa siyang red na balloon na binigay sa crowd ng West Hill kanina.

“Talo…ayos lang?” she asked with concern in her eyes. I held her hand and smile at her. “Of course, love.”

“It’s better to lose than not play at all right?” dugtong ko pa. Not playing at all sucks, ayaw ko na maulit ‘yon. I’d take the losses as long as I can play without any regrets.

She nodded at what I said and smile brightly like the proud girlfriend that she is. “Of course, love.”

I regretted a lot of things in my life and it was the worst thing to ever feel. So in every game, I do things all out to not regret anything anymore.

And with Kalila, I give my all to treat her the way she deserves to be treated so that she won’t regret being with me either.

___

The End