Three swear words, I apologise my lovely readers 😂❤️

~ Keith ~

Just another week or two, I thought as I stared out at the stars. Just another week or two before we arrive at the Blade of Marmora headquarters. Maybe then...maybe then I'll get some answers about who I really am.

I sighed before burying my face into my knees. As per usual, I just couldn't sleep so I was sitting around the Bridge room just staring off into space. Literally.

I shivered slightly. It was kind of cold and I'd left my jacket in my room. Part of me wanted to go and get it but I was just too lazy. The stress of that.

"So you can't sleep either, huh?"

I turned my head to see Lance standing behind me, still dressed, hands stuffed in his pockets.

I turned my head back, resting my chin on my knees. "Hey, Lance."

He sat down next to me with a sigh. "Watcha thinking about?"

I shrugged. "Nothing. Why are you still up?"

"Couldn't sleep. Happens a lot recently. So I come here sometimes."

Yes. I saw you. And I saw you here upset for once.

Yeah, like I'd actually say that out loud.

"You?" He said.

"Same as you I guess. Just couldn't sleep."

He laughed humourlessly. "We're a pair of insomniacs, aren't we?"

I sighed tiredly. I'd been sighing a lot lately. "Yeah, you got that right."

There was a peaceful moment of silence before Lance spoke. "Have you still been having those nightmares?"

I froze.

"N-No."

I replied a fraction too late. He knew I was lying.

Because I hadn't. They hadn't been as bad since the last time he'd come in, none of the recent ones had made me wake up screaming. But they were always there. They wouldn't go away.

"Do you wanna talk about them?"

I gave him the rudest look I could. "Why would I want to talk to you about them?"

He stared at me.

He looked genuinely hurt.

You idiot, Keith.

Why does he have to be so cute?

I looked away grumpily. "Wh-Why do you care?"

His voice was surprisingly soft. "Because I can tell they really bother you."

"No, they don't!" I snapped.

"I'm just trying to be nice for once!"

Don't.

Don't be so nice to me.

I just don't know how to react.

I don't want to feel these feelings.

They'll only hurt me sooner or later.

I suddenly shivered again. It was kinda cold in here, especially at night. Lance looked at me and raised his eyebrows.

"You're cold."

"I'm fine."

He was already taking off his jacket. "Come on, put this on."

"I said, I'm fine."

"I've never listened to you once in my life, do you really expect me to start now?"

"You'll be cold then."

"Yeah, but I've got a longer sleeved shirt than you. Just put the thing on, Keith."

I gave him a look but I took it anyway and put it on. But not because I wanted to or anything. Just because I was a little cold.

I put it on and blew on my hands. Okay, I did have to admit, it was really warm. And it smelt nice. Soft. It made me feel safe.

I snuggled into it further as Lance spoke again, sounding wistful. "It's so funny..."

"What is?"

"The stars. They look so bright and shiny, all sparkly and glittery as if they're made from magic. But when you break them down, they're really just ugly balls of hydrogen and helium. They don't even really twinkle. And when they die, there's no one to even consider them...no one even remembers them...they're really not that magical on the inside."

I felt like he was trying to tell me something.

Maybe if I'd asked what that something was...

Maybe if I'd confronted him right then, would Lance have...

But I couldn't find the words within me. All my words were jumbled, all my words were piling up to the point where I couldn't even see my own heart.

It's funny. I've always said whatever I want, I've always been upfront about the truth but I don't even know how to act honestly to myself.

I opened my mouth to talk. "Yeah...and then there's the sun. It's also a star but no one even stops to consider that. It's just there and we take it's light and warmth for granted. We never consider that it's also just a star and one of the smallest really at that. It's...it's so bright but really...it's all alone." I gave a little sigh and rested my head on his shoulder. "Ugh, I don't even know what I'm saying."

"No..." Lance sounded surprised. "I get it...that makes sense...huh, you're not as dumb as I thought."

"You do realise that you're the dumb one, not me?" I yawned, suddenly actually tired and sort of drowsy. "You mind if I borrow your shoulder for a bit again?"

"Be my guest."

"Thanks," I mumbled sleepily, already nodding off.

I know what you're thinking. But don't judge me. It was a moment of weakness for me, I was actually tired for once. I didn't even know what I was doing. And I was too grateful that I was tired for once in my whole stupid life to stop myself from falling asleep on the shoulder of the most annoying boy I've ever met.

That's all.

***

I woke up feeling warm. I felt like I was hugging sunlight and there was some steady thump under my ear for some reason. It was nice though. Sort of soothing, like a continuous lullaby.

Where was I?

I didn't care. Because I was still half asleep for once and I was so warm. I snuggled into the warmth further. I wanted to stay here forever, wherever I was. I wanted to stay sleeping with this soft piece of sunlight forever.

But I couldn't. I heard noises and I moaned, slowly forcing my eyes open. "Wh...what do you...all want...it's too early..."

I woke up properly and just about died.

I was lying on the ground, my head resting on Lance's chest, his arm around me.

And I'd been enjoying it.

Lance's breath was heavy and he was still fast asleep, blissful and unaware to what was going on. His chest was gently heaving up and down as he slept, eyes closed and peaceful. They suddenly twitched and he rolled onto his side, hugging me tighter and pulling me into his chest. "Such a fluffy shark..." he giggled to himself sleepily.

What the quiznak?

(ME AND MY FRIEND HAVE A HEADCANON THAT LANCE SLEEPS WITH A SHARK PLUSHY NO JUDGEMENT PLZ OKAY NOW BACK TO THE STORY 😂)

Putting my hands on his chest, I tried to push him away. "L-Lance, get off!" I hissed.

He only held me tighter. "I'm gonna call you...Squishy...Squishy the Shark...we're gonna be friends...on Kazoo..."

My face was flaring up and I didn't like it. "Lance, wake up!"

I heard the sound of laughter and sat up in panic to see Pidge in the doorway, holding onto Hunk to steady herself.

"Oh my god," she wheezed. "That's just so adorable, I can't..."

I felt my face burn. "Shut up!" I yelled.

"Hmm?" Lance was waking up. He sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Hey vrybody, wha time iz ih, wuzz goin on..." he mumbled groggily.

Pidge giggled, grinning mischievously. "You and Keith are on the road to making purple is what's going on."

My blood boiled and I pushed myself up to my feet. "That's it, Pidge!"

"Keith, no!" Lance gabbled, fully waking himself up and grabbing my ankle to stop me. "Just calm down!"

I fell onto the floor and by the time I'd gotten back up again, he was also standing and holding me back by my arms.

"Let me at her!" I yelled, furiously struggling to fight him off.

"No killing anyone in the Bridge!"

"Lance is right."

We all turned our heads to see Shiro standing in the doorway, arms folded and looking disappointed. I lowered my head along with the others, feeling a little ashamed. I respect Shiro and I want him to see me as an equal but he'd just seen me throwing a temper tantrum. Talk about timing.

"All of you, apologise to each other."

"No," I snapped. I may have been ashamed but that wasn't putting out the fire inside me. "I hate her."

"Keith, you don't hate anyone."

"Yes, I do! I hate her and I hate Lance!"

Lance looked shocked. "What the hell, that just came out of nowhere-"

"Shut up, shut up!" I yelled, burying my face into my hands, in an attempt to hide the redness of it. What was wrong with me, what was wrong with me, why wouldn't feeling this stop?! Was it anger, was it happiness?

I didn't even know anymore.

I just ran for it then, slipping past Shiro and running down the hall towards my room. I wanted to lock myself in there forever. I just didn't want to have to face any of this again.

As I opened the door and ran inside, I suddenly remembered that I was still wearing his jacket. And they'd seen. Everyone had seen...

I groaned and threw myself onto my bed, burying my burning face into my pillow. "Why..."

And that's when I realised something else.

Last night.

The nightmares never came.

Because...because of...

I kicked my legs back and forth, feeling hot and bothered before rolling around my bed, unable to keep still due to a severe attack of embarrassment.

Shit, shit, shit.

***

~ Lance ~

I knocked on the door. No reply. I knocked his door again.

"Keith? Are you in there?"

He'd locked himself inside his room since this morning, refusing to talk to anyone, even Shiro. Maybe it was too avoid Pidge and her snarky teasing. She'd been acting so annoying this morning. She'd been acting so smug and mischievous about something but she wouldn't tell me what it was. This whole thing was very annoying. Maybe it was because she'd seen Keith wearing my jacket.

I tried to open the door and I didn't actually expect it to open but it did strangely enough. Okay, handy, I guess.

"Keith?" I said as I poked my head in the door. "Are you still mad? Will you hit me if I come in?"

Huh...

It was empty. He must've been at the training deck or somewhere. I didn't really care, I just wanted my jacket back. I didn't even know why I'd given it to him in the first place. The lack of sleep I was getting these days seemed to be driving me crazy and making me do weird things. I was surprised he'd actually taken it. Maybe we were both going crazy.

I couldn't find the jacket anywhere. I looked around, thinking about where else it could possibly be. His room was pretty bare, there weren't many options. I lifted his pillow up to see if he'd maybe stuffed it under there for some reason.

I didn't see my jacket. But I did see something else.

A black leather notebook was lying on his bed. I frowned. "What the heck is this..." I muttered to myself, picking it up and opening it. "Let's see..."

It was full of words heavily written in inky black pen. The handwriting was neat but distinctive. Pointed letters, narrow 'e' loop, whoever had written this had this weird thing of slashing their 'i's, closed 'o's, wide 's's towards the bottom and the words were widely spaced. And although it was neat, it was slanting slightly to the left which was kinda weird.

What the heck was this thing? I stopped on one page and frowned as I read what was written, feeling kinda creeped out by it.

Just like my soul

This night sky is growing black

These scars are growing deeper

Their blood is growing black

All like my soul

I stared at it. "Is this some kind of poem..."

I continued flicking through the pages when I suddenly saw my name. I stopped.

This seemed to be some kind of diary and this was its latest entry. And I had something to do with it.

Well, I had to read it now. It was only fair if my name was there. I had a right to know what this was all about. I think.

So, I began to read.

I actually want to die.

Someone please kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me.

I can't believe we fell asleep together. I can't believe I fell asleep wearing his jacket. What was I thinking, resting my head on his shoulder? Last time was different, I had a reason to do it, it was only fair. But this time, what was I thinking?

It's got to be because I can never sleep anymore. That's got to be all it is. I'm just so desperate for sleep that I was willing to rest on Lance's shoulder.

I mean, Lance? Of all people? He's such an idiot, like, can he even count to twenty with no mistakes? Probably not, he's that dumb. I hate him so much, the way he never shuts up. I hate how he's always nagging at me and getting me roped in up in his shenanigans. I hate how he acts like he's our lord and saviour and a true ladies man when he's just an idiot.

He's just so stupid that I can't even at times. I once heard him telling Hunk about this one time he looked "what idk means" and he then said that the internet didn't know itself. I mean, that's so dumb, we all know that idk stands for I don't know, how dumb can you get?

I snickered. Ha. I remembered that. Looked like Keith had missed the joke so hard that he'd actually become the joke.

Ugh, he's annoying. And loud. And such an idiot.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Why am I even wasting all this paper to vent about him? I really hate him that much I guess. I hate the way I feel whenever he's around. I try and stop it by turning it all to snark but recently, since that whole ghost thing, that's been getting harder and harder to do and it scares me.

If anyone ever finds this diary, that'll be embarrassing enough but if anyone and reads this entry, I'll be taking out the bleach and ending it right there and then. But I can't keep all this bottled up to myself. I can't keep all these weird feelings inside. I know that if I do, I could break and they'd all coming rushing out. That can't ever happen. So, I guess that's how I got here, sitting on my bed, writing all this out.

I think it's just that I need a distraction. Lance is useless at most stuff but he's good at those. He's so stupid and ditzy and lighthearted, it's easy to forget the serious stuff when I'm with him. But what do you do when you want to be distracted from your usual distraction? Does that even make any sense?

I wonder what he's thinking about right now. Maybe his family, maybe he's home. Everyone always talks about going home when this whole war is done and having a good old time and I'm just here. Lost and alone. With no one to call mine. And that's why I'll always be alone.

What does Lance's home look like? I know he lives in Cuba and it's somewhere near a beach or something I think but what exactly is it like? What are his parents like?

I wish I knew. I wish I knew what it's like to have parents, real parents who you know will always love because it's what parents do. I wish, I wish, I wish. I wish I was strong enough, I wish I had a wish to make, a wish that could give me

I'm not going to finish that sentence because I'm not sure what I want. I always thought I had definite goals, I thought I'd set my path straight and narrow but it's going all curvy lately. I hate him for that.

I hate a lot of things actually. Would he judge me if I told him all of them? Most likely. It's a long list.

It's so funny. Everyone thinks that I'm this amazing pilot, who was top of his class, who looks like he never gives a damn but on the inside I'm so lost. I'm so lost and left behind that I don't even know how to explain it. Where do I come from? Who really were my parents? Why won't these nightmares ever stop?

I know this looks looks cruel but I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive my mom for leaving me behind.

Has Lance ever felt lost? Yeah, right. His smile is so bright, he laughs so easily. Lost? What was I thinking? He's always two steps ahead of me. He'll leave me behind if I'm not careful.

He's always laughing and having fun with the others. No one thinks it, but I've always wanted to be there, I've always wanted to experience the joys and emotions he must be feeling. If only I knew how.

How can he smile like that?

How can he just walk up to people and joke around?

Especially when he's hurting inside just much as all of us.

How can people just not have a care in the world at certain times?

It doesn't make any sense. Yet I still want it. I've always wanted to experience this it just once.

Ugh, this diary was embarrassing enough before but if Pidge finds it and reads this entry, I'll never hear the end of it. And if Lance reads this? I don't even want to think about that, it's too embarrassing.

I may be a better pilot than him but at the end of the day, he'll understand much more than I'll ever know. And that really frustrates me.

How can an idiot, a dunce like him, a boy with fairly average looks and no clear talents be so liked and loved?

I've been thinking about that a lot. And I think I know why but I just don't know how to explain.

It's something to do with the way he smiles and how everything becomes a little brighter when he does. It's something to do with his naiveness. It's something to do with his childlike nature but that's not just it.

It's something to do with that childlike wiseness behind his eyes. The simple understanding he has of the world can be such a breath of fresh air. It's something that makes me know, that when push comes to shove, he'll stand up for what's right.

It's something to do with that little spring in his every step. This little spring often causes him trip but he always get back up. It's something to do with his loyalty and easiness. And then of course, his big mouth ruins everything. Whenever he starts talking about how great he is, I actually want to punch him. But I feel like even if I were to sock him right in the face, that still wouldn't shut him up. I don't think anything would, really.

But...

Is any of what he says what he's really thinking?

That's what really confuses me. If he's trying to force himself to smile every night, why does he say he's always happy and always perfect? If he doesn't like himself as much as he pretends to, well, why does he pretend to?

Am I the only who can see the bags under his eyes?

And if so...well...why? Why is it me of all people who notices? I hate this boy.

I don't even know anymore. I've always thought he was just completely useless.

But now I see that's not true.

The way he treats Pidge as if he's her big brother to fill up the hole she's got inside her from missing Matt. The way he always stays around me, no matter how much I abuse him. The way I know he'd defend Hunk till his very last breath, no matter how much of a wuss he can be. The way he notices all these emotions people have and knows how to deal with them, something I wish I could do.

And yes, I've noticed. I notice a thousand tiny things he does because Lord help me, future Keith who is reading this, right now I can't stop thinking about him. I've never met someone who could change my opinion of them so drastically.

I see a thousand tiny things in those eyes of his. I see hope. I see wonder. I see purity unlike no one else. I see the hurt he's hiding inside yourself. I don't know why it's there but I see it. I see the loyalty he possesses.

I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know why I wrote this little rant to begin with but it's not like it matters. I'm probably never going to read this because it's too mortifying. I don't even want future me to see it really. I just had things to say and I somehow got here. Kind of like how I got to know Lance. I had duties to do as a paladin and now I'm here, more lost and confused than I have ever been.

And it's all his fault.

I stared at those words.

Well.

That had escalated quickly.

One minute I'm an idiot to him and the next I'm amazing and then he hates me and then he thinks I'm amazing again and then it's all my fault that he's all lost.

Yeah, I won't lie, I was completely shocked by what I'd just read.

I stared at the words and looked at them closer, squinting as if I wasn't sure they were really there. "Wh...what..."

"Put. That. Down."

I jumped and looked up in the direction of the voice.

Keith was standing in the doorway, eyes cast down and fists clenched tightly. Oops.

I smiled awkwardly. "O-Oh...hi, Keith-"

"You saw, didn't you?"

He was stumbling over to me, his legs all wobbly, face still cast down.

I snapped it shut and hid it behind my back. "S-Saw wh-"

His voice sounded like death. "You read it, didn't you?"

I gulped and backed away. "I-I read nothing-"

"It wasn't me!" Keith yelled, raising his head and clenching his fists. "It wasn't me, you hear that, I didn't write it!"

He charged forwards and snatched his notebook off me before smacking me with it as hard as he could. "Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why the hell were you looking through my stuff?! Get out, get out, get out!"

Wow...his face was really...really red...

I clicked my fingers, realisation hitting me. "Oh, I get it! You write diary entires and emo poems in your spare time-"

He didn't let me finish. He grabbed a pillow and smacked me in the face with it. "Shut up, shut up, shut up you dumbass! I'll kill you, I'll kill you then kill myself! I didn't write that!"

"I never said you did-"

"It wasn't me!" He yelled again, charging towards me. Oh god, I was really in big trouble. He was really gonna kill me.

I slipped past him out into the hall and sprinted away as fast as I could. "You left it lying around!" I shrieked, sounding panicked as I heard him chasing after me. "I didn't see anything!"

"I didn't write that!"

"Why are you chasing me?!"

"Give it back! And why were you snooping around my room when I wasn't there?!"

"I wasn't snooping!"

I was looking back at him instead of watching where I was running to and ended up running smack into a wall. I let out a yelp and heard an angry growling noise behind me. I whipped around, feeling terrified to see Keith leaping at me, looking furious. We fell to the floor with a bang and I thumped my head again. Why does this always happen to me?

"Ow, ow, ow..." I mumbled.

"Kill me now."

"Huh?" I looked down to see that Keith was lying on top of me, fists still clenched and face buried in my chest.

"Kill me now."

He then straightened up, sitting in a w sit in the spot between my legs. "Kill me now!" He looked at me, his face red, positively mortified. "You saw all that stupid stuff in my notebook, didn't you? Laugh at me." He buried his face in his hands. "I'll feel better if you just laugh at me already."

I stared at him. The stuff in there...that must've been really personal to him. I'd never seen him so bothered about something before. This was...this was really getting to him.

So I sat up and looked right at him. "I won't laugh, even if it kills me."

He put his face back in his hands. "Lance, just go ahead and laugh already, I know you're gonna say "psych" or something in a second and laugh."

"Keith, look at me."

He stiffened but he then very, very slowly moved his fingers, peeking at me through the gaps, face still all red. I didn't move my gaze and kept my face completely serious as I spoke.

"There was this one time where I got a piece of chicken stuck to my nipple when I was with my cousins and we made a vlog about it and put it on YouTube and we thought it was really funny but we then found out that it wouldn't come off and I ran crying to my parents and I had to go through surgery to get that piece of chicken off my nipple."

There was silence as Keith stared at my solemn face.

He then burst out laughing, clutching his stomach and practically falling over.

Keith laughed.

A giddy, adorable sort of laugh, the kind of laugh you just couldn't hold in no matter how much you wanted.

I couldn't believe it.

I'd been expecting a reaction but hadn't expected him to laugh. Like, wow. I mean, Keith rarely laughed.

"What the hell was that about?" He giggled. "I can't breathe..."

My own face started to heat up and I was feeling a bit embarrassed now. "Hey! You do realise that the whole point of that was to make you feel better, not to give you a reason to laugh at me!"

He gently wiping his tears of laughter away before he smiled at me, his glowing face still slightly giddy. "Stupid."

_______________

GO READ "I Hate That I Love You (Todoroki x OC) BY MY SENPAI

IF YOU DON'T THEN WE JUST CAN'T BE FRIENDS OKAY I'M JOKING BUT SERIOUSLY GO READ IT AND IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY HERO ACADEMIA GO WATCH IT AND THEN GO READ IT

ALSO MY IPAD WAS BEING GLITCHY BITCHY WITCHY WHEN I POSTED THIS SO PLZ LET ME KNOW IF YOU SEE ANY TYPOS YOU WILL BE MY GOD IF YOU DO

ALSO THANKS FOR 250+ READERS Y'ALL ARE SAINTS AND YOU ALL HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART OKAY BYE