Hayden got his wife, Renee, pregnant, and Zeke wasn't talking to me.

I was lost to what was happening lately. I tried reaching out to Zeke, but clearly, he found out what was happening between me and his best friend. 

His fucking best friend!

Napapahihimalos na lang ang palad sa mukha ko kapag naalala ko 'yon. Napapadala na lang din ako sa kama dahil hindi ko ma-take na aabot sa sitwasyong iyon. It was an unbelievable thing to see. I have been on cloud nine for the past few months, and now, I felt like I was heavily dropped down to the ground and faced this hard reality.

Hayden told me before we would talk about it, but we never had a chance to talk about it. Puno ng kaba ang dibdib ko. It was like after what happened between Zeke and Hayden, it all ended together. Hinuhuli ko naman ng tingin si Hayden kapag nagkikita kaming dalawa sa labas. When Renee was out of work, I was expecting him to jump on my window and fuck me, pero hindi na iyon nangyayari. It made me feel so worried. Do they hate me?

Hindi ko mapigilang maiyak kapag naiisip ko 'yon. I wanted to talk to them and clear this situation out with both of them, but I don't think they were interested in me anymore. I guess, this was my karma! Gahaman kung gahaman, e. Now, I'm realizing that everything I've got before I just lost them in a quick snap.

Wala rin namang ideya ang mga kaibigan ko about the situation I have been dealing with. I wasn't sure if they had an idea about it, but I knew they would be asking about it.

Wala rin ako ganang makipag-hook up sa mga nagmemessage sa gay dating app ko. Minsan magsesend sila ng dick pics, pero hindi ko sila ie-entertain. May mga nagsesend pa  ng location nila as they said they would host it, pero hindi ko pa rin sila pinapansin. One time, I went out with my friends, I hooked up with one of the guys that night, pero pagkatapos lang niya magpalabas ay umalis na kaagad ako at saka umuwi.

Every night, I would listen Renee and Hayden if they were fucking, but it was all silence. Nakapapanibago. Hindi ako sanay sa nangyayari. If I could just go back and clear out the things that had happened. I only did that because I knew one would be mad, at hindi ko naman inaasahan na magbubunong-braso ang dalawa.

Alam naman ni Hayden na nakikipagkita ako sa best friend niya before he knew it, pero hindi niya alam na tinutuloy ko pa ang pakikipagkita sa kaibigan niya. He's surely mad at me for not telling the truth. Wala akong kawala ro'n. I lied and broke my promise to him. He stayed loyal with me, pero ito ako, I was jumping into two boats just because I can, and now that I lose both of them, I was drowning to these crazy thoughts.

I tried cooking some lasagna today so I could give it to the married couple next door and see where the situation lies. Hinahanda ko pa lamang ang pagkain ay kinakabahan na ako. There was this fear and excitement that I couldn't fathom. Nilakasan ko na lang din naman ang loob ko.

Humugot ako nang malalim ng hininga habang hawak-hawak k ang foil tray. As soon as I stepped out of the house, isa lamang ang tumatakbo sa isipan ko at iyon ay makausap ko si Hayden, kahit hindi directly tungkol sa sitwasyon namin, but just to know if we were okay, that would be enough for me.

Tumungo ako papunta sa bahay nila at nang tumapat na ako sa pinto ay pinindot ko ang doorbell. My legs were shaking as I was waiting for someone to open the door for me. Nang marinig ko naman ang yabag ng mga paa na patungo sa direksyon ng pinto ay saglit lamang at bumukas ito. I was putting a force smile on my face, and then I saw Renee who was smiling widely upon greeting me.

"Mitchel! What's up?" nakangiti nitong tanong, pero mabilis ding tumapon ang tingin niya sa foil tray na hawak-hawak ko. "Oh my gosh! Is that for us?!"

Tumango ako na parang aso na naka-display sa dashboard. "Yes!"

"I really appreciate this! The last time you gave us some lasagna, hinahana-hanap ko rin talaga siya. I would ask Hayden for me to buy sa fast food ng lasagna kasing kalasa rin ng ginagawa mo."

She was about to take the foil tray from me, pero inilayo ko sa kanya. "No, don't touch it! Mainit siya."

"Oh my gosh. I would literally burn my hands for this," nananabik nitong usal. "I'm excited, Mitch! I'm so happy. Alam mo naman preggy ako, and I am craving for food! As always. You just made my day, Mitch. . . If you don't mind, pwede pakidala muna siya sa kusina."

"Sure, no problem for me!"

Pinapasok naman niya ako sa loob ng bahay nila at tinuro sa akin ng kitchen. She even called her husband to come out of their bedroom dahil may dala akong lasagna para sa kanila. Mas dumoble ang kaba sa dibdib ko dahil hindi ko alam kung anong magiging reaksyon ni Hayden sa akin. Nang makarating ako sa kusina ay inilapag ko ang foil tray, and Renee wasn't able to hold herself any longer when she just grabbed a utensil and scooped a spoonful of the pasta. Saglit lang din ay dumating si Hayden sa kusina.

Nagkatinginan naman kaming dalawa ni Hayden, pero mabilis niya rin naman inalis sa akin ang tingin niya at inilipat sa asawa—as he should. 

"Why is that smell so familiar?" he queried. 

Hinarap naman kaagad siya ng asawa nito at inanunsyo ang lasagna ko. "This is so good. I felt like my cravings for months have been satisfied."

Natawa naman si Hayden sa kanya at sinubuan pa ito. Kinain naman niya ang nasa kutsara na isinusubo sa kanya ng asawa nito. Tumango-tango naman ito. Mayamaya lang naman ay mabilis na nag-excuse si Renee na pupunta lang siya ng banyo. Nagmamadali naman ito at naiwan naman kaming dalawa ni Hayden sa kusina. When I realized this as an opportunity for me to talk to Hayden, lumapit kaagad ako sa kanya. I grabbed his crotch, and it was a handful one. Wala siyang suot na underwear so I could his him over his thin shorts.

I was trying to rub my hand over his crotch and he wasn't shoving my hands away. He liked it. Napayuko na lang din naman siya at tiningnan niya iyon at saka niya inangat ang tingin pabalik sa akin.

"I miss your cock, Hayden. . ." pabulong kong usal. "Don't ignore me. Talk to me. Fuck me. I will make it up to you. . ."

But even though with all the things I did, parang wala itong effect sa kanya. Nang marinig namin ang pagbukas ng pinto ng banyo ay kaagad akong lumayo kay Hayden at umakto naman itong kumakain. Sa pagbalik naman ni Renee ay inilabas ko ang ngiti sa labi ko.

"Pasensya na, Mitch. When I got pregnant, napapadalas na rin talaga ang pagiging maihiin ko," paliwanag panito. "I'm on my third month, akalain mo 'yon? Hindi pa ako aware na buntis na pala ako no'ng mga nakaraang buwan. When I just realized that somethig weird was going on with me, I knew I could be pregnant. . . Hindi nga rin ako nagkamali."

"You looked lovely, Renee," sabi ko pa sabay lunok ng laway. "Alam mo, hindi na ako magtatagal at hinatid ko lang talaga sa inyong dalawa ang luto kong lasagna. Medyo marami-rami akong niluto so guys could have all that. . . I'm gonna go now kasi aalis din ako."

"Alright, thank you so much, Mitch!"

"You're welcome, Ren! Alam mo naman na pa 'yan matutumbasan ng mga sweet treats na binibigay mo sa ain."

"Oh my god! Now that you mention it, I forgot something!"

"Okay, okay. . . Calm down," sabi naman ng asawa nito sa kanya. "Don't think about it for now, just sit, and eat your lasagna. Thanks, Mitch."

"No problem. . ." I was able to utter those words nang hindi nauutal. "I'm gonna go now. . . Enjoy kayong dalawa."

"I'll walk you out," sabi pa ni Hayden.

Umiling na lang din naman ako. "Hindi na. I know my way out naman. Enjoy na lang kayo riyan. . ."

Hindi na naman nila ako napigilan. Dali-dali rin akong lumabas ng bahay nila at sinarado ang pinto. Tumungo ako pabalik sa bahay ko at napasalampak ako sa sahig dahil sa sobrang kaba. I looked at my hand and imagined how I was feeling Hayden once again. Simula nang malaman ko ang balitang iyon, ilap na masyado si Hayden sa akin. He could probably be avoiding me for sometime since he doesn't want Renee to find out about it, or maybe, he stopped it because Renee was finally pregnant and he doesn't need me anymore.

Naghanda naman ako para puntahan si Zeke sa club kung saan siya nagta-trabaho. I packed the other foil tray to give it to him. Hindi pa rin niya ako kinakausap and there was no other reason for it. Kabado akong umalis ng bahay at naghintay ng masasakyan papunta sa club.

Pagkarating ko sa club ay hinarang naman ako ng guard. Nang sabihin ko naman ang pangalan ako ay may itinawag pa ito sa radyo na hawak niya. Saglit lang nang may kompirmahin ito ay pinapasok niya ako.

I knew where I should go kaya tumungo ako sa second floor kung nasaan ang office ni Zeke. Iniisip ko naman ang sasabihin ko kapag nakaharap ko na siya. Nasa tapat na ako ng pinto ng office nito at kakatok na sana ako, pero bumukas ito. Ang inaasahan ko na makikita ko ay si Zeke, pero si Zara ang bumungad sa akin. Napatitig ako sa mukha nito at sa labi niya na pinunasan ng hawak na tissue. I saw it. She has white residue under her lips.

Did she give him a head? What the fuck?

But then Zara announced to Zeke that he had a visitor, and then she let me in and closed the door. Nanatili lang ako sa may tapat ng pintohabang pinagmamasdan ko si Zeke sa kinauupuan niya. He put his finger up and motioned it to make me get closer to him. Nang makalapit naman ako at saka ko ibinaba ang hawak kong foil tray ay doon ko lang napansin ang box ng cinnamon rolls. I almost laughd when I thought Zara gave his boss a head.

"What do you want?" Bumalik lamang ako sa katinuan ng magsalita si Zeke. Inangat ko ang tingin ko sa kanya at nagtama ang mata namin. "Do you need something from me?"

"Zeke, I came here to see and talk to you," I said. "I also have this lasagna for you. . ." Natahimik naman ako panandalian. "You haven't responded to my messages and calls. You're not talking to me. . . And I know it was my fault, and I'm sorry. . ."

Napangisi naman ito. "Do you think I could resist you? Get here. Get on your knees and suck my cock."

Sa utos niyang iyon ay mabilis din naman akong kumilos. Umikot papunta sa likod ng mesa niya at lumuhod ako habang ibinababa niya ang pantalon niya. Mabilis ko namang hinawakan ang pagkalalaki nito at hindi rin nagtagal ay isinubo ko ito. He was slapping my face, thrusting his hips, and he was doing everything he can to punish me. He was rough. I knew I missed it from him, that's why when he announced he was coming, I didn't pull his cock out of mouth and let him released inside my mouth and I swallowed it all.

As I looked up in his eyes, it didn't look like we were okay.

"Do you think a blow job would make me forget the thing you did to me?" Ngisi pa nito. "Well, it's a start, I guess. But it wasn't enough, Mitchel."

Napalunok ako ng laway at nalalasahan ko pa rin siya. "I-I know. . . But I would do everything to make it up to you."

"Everything?"

Tumango ako. "Yes. . . Everything."

Hindi ko alam kung anong tumatakbo sa isipan ni Zeke ngayon, but this was enough for me for now. At least, I got to talk to him again. It was only what I wanted, and I don't know how many blow jobs it would take for me to get his trust back, I would do it. I'll let Hayden go, and I decide to keep Zeke with me.

That's it. I would choose Zeke for me.

***