*Jar of hearts by Christina Perri is the song for this chapter as well*
Peace.

All the colors morph into one— it's extraordinary. I never get tired of this feeling. Pure ecstasy. During times like these, I'm in a whole other dimension, floating on a cotton-candy cloud. It's almost like a switch. Everything goes away, and I feel completely empty, which I just love. Who needs emotion?

Whoever fucking created emotions should suck a dick.

Tingles erupt across my skin as I look down at Blondie licking up the stream of alcohol running down my boobs.

"Mmm, you like that?"

My nose crinkles. "I love it."

He returns to basically fucking my neck. Jesus fucking Christ, where is Lorenzo? Here I was trying to search for a third contender for our threesome, but all these men are sleazy and disgusting— might be time to switch to the other side. It's a known fact that girls are way hotter than boys.

We just know what we want.

For being a fucking mansion, it feels extremely claustrophobic. Damn it. I think the drugs are wearing off. People dressed in all white attire, as stated on the invite, bump and grind against each other, everywhere I look. Drinks and drugs are flowing. Everyone is here to have the best night of their lives and celebrate me.

Finally, I catch a glimpse of Lorenzo's signature brown whipped cream hairdo, and I'm ready to run after him. Hopefully, he's found a better contender.

"Woah." I explode into laughter.

One step was all it took for me to collapse back onto the couch. Goddamn, the four shots make my feet feel like jelly. Blondie and his friend bare most of my weight when I get up again.

"Don't worry babe, we got you. Where do you want to go?"

My finger points forward. "To the guy in the white shirt."

Blondie's light eyebrows curl into confusion. "Babe, everyone is wearing white."

I roll my eyes. "Just keeping moving until I stop you."

He shrugs. "Alright, Jefe."

It takes us a few minutes to push our way through the crowd, but when I get there, my stomach twists into a million teeny-tiny knots. It's Lorenzo alright, but I didn't expect to see Julian with him. A few girls tag along with them, dressed in super tight, attractive white dresses that show more skin than cover.

Chewing on my lip, I try to keep my eyes on Lorenzo, but fail horribly, caving in to the sight presented in front of me. It's like an imposter kidnapped Julian, and delivered a robotic version of him here instead. Julian is dressed in a white dress shirt, loose fitted jeans with a matching Rolex watch and black shoes.

Huh.

Lorenzo's shirt is basically nonexistent, placing his tone pecs in full display to the hungry, eager girls within eyeshot. One girl approaches Lorenzo, only for him to whisper into her ear, earning a nod, and she walks over to Julian.  

Fuck me.

That fucker is pimping him out.

Fire runs through my veins.

The cute, petite girl gets close enough for Julian to wrap his arm around her waist, pulling her closer and leaning down to hear the stupid shit leaving her mouth. The grip on my drink tightens, and I debate for a quick second over doing something childish, like throwing my drink at them.

I have to look away.

Shaking my head, I laugh. Lorenzo thinks I'm stupid. I see his angle. He wants Julian to treat me the way I've been treating, but did he forget how much he fucking deserves it? The entire thing blows my mind. If Lorenzo thinks he's going to get the best of me— he has another thing coming.  I love a good competition.

Clearly, since I almost died in a competition a few days ago.

I side-eye Julian. "I didn't expect to see you here."

Julian takes a step away from the girl, putting some space between them as Lorenzo turns around to face me. "Hey." His voice is soft, his eyes cast with guilt.

Rubbing his head, Lorenzo grins wider. "How lucky of you to join us." His eyebrows brunch together as he fixes the collar on Blondie's shirt. "Is this one of the contenders?"

I scoff. "As if."

A pout takes the place of Blondie's goofy grin while he covers his heart with one hand. "Damn, babe, why you gotta hurt my feelings like that?"

The gratification I get from having complete control over everyone attending this party. No one would dare mess with the Jefe of the familia. All he can do is act disappointed, but he wouldn't dare disrespect me because everyone wants the taste of the Queen in the making.

My laughter trails to silence as I pat him on the back. "Get over it." My head jerks in Lorenzo's direction. "What about you? Have you found anyone we can sink our teeth into?"

Lorenzo nods, tilting his head towards Satan. "I think Julian's a perfect option."

I suck in a deep breath. "I rather choke on my own vomit."

Lorenzo clicks his teeth. "Harsh much, Bella-boo? Mmm, I know how to get you in a sweeter mood." He stuffs his hand into his pocket.

By now, I know Lorenzo so well to know what he has in his front pocket is some type of drug. That man loves experimenting. The real question is, what drug does he have today? Mmm, it's a Wednesday, maybe he has acid?

It was kind-of a letdown when he pulls out a ziplock of cocaine since I was in the mood for something stronger, but I can't complain. It's free drugs, after all. Lorenzo drops the pile of white powder on the countertop, and divides them into five individual strips. He folds a dollar bill, and bends down, holding one nostril as he inhales the powder. His nose scrunches up as a result, and he squeezes it to relieve of the sensation. Lorenzo offers the bill up to me next.

The boys remove their arms from around my waist, and I take Lorenzo up on his offer, bending down to snort my pile. Almost instantly, the sensation runs rabid through my veins, and I'm loving every second of it.

My eyes quickly dart from Julian to Blondie, who gives me an aggressive nod. "Go right ahead, since Satan hates anything fun."

Julian reaches a hand out to grab the dollar bill, and glides close enough for his shoulder to brush against my chest. His woodsy cologne sneakily makes its way into my nostrils, and I immediately want to be in his arms. Fuck. He's extra annoying tonight.

My eyebrow arches. "Aren't you a little too old to be snorting coke?"

The smile that forms on his face is small, but cunning. "Baby, worry about your fuck buddy that's nearly pushing fifty."

Lorenzo's face scrunches with confusion. "It's always me."

Julian rubs his nose and I look over to see only one pile left of the powder. What's gotten into him? Blondie pounces forward for his shot at the free drugs, but I place my hand over his chest to stop him.

"You don't make the cut. Go find someone else to fuck," I say nonchalantly. "Take your buddy with you."

"What a bitch," he mumbles under his breath.

I act on instinct, snatching him by his collar and yanking him back. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

"N-nothing, Jefe," he stutters, frequently wetting his lips with his tongue.

"That's what I thought."

I slam Blondie's face into the marble countertop, and he releases a shout of agony loud enough to steal the attention of a few heads around us. A rough thump follows my release on the hold of his collar. Blondie is curled up in a ball on the ground with a small stream of blood traveling from a cut on his forehead.

I snap my fingers, seizing the attention of his buddy. "You better get him out of here before I decide to do the same thing to you."

A flash of terror lingers in his eyes, but he doesn't waste another second, and drags Blondie into another room. Nothing more fun than making people terrified of me. Lately, I've been living for it.

Julian hands the bill over to the petite girl on his arm, but she hesitates, unable to keep eye-contact with me for longer than a milli-second. God, she's beautiful. A white slick dress with a plunging neckline glides to the floor with two huge silts on both sides, starting at her hips. Her fiery red hair nearly flows to her waist.

"Go ahead, sweetie," I motion for her to step forward. "What's your name?"

She extends her hand out to me. "Julieta," she greets, her dark red lips smiling widely.

I shake her hand. "You look great."

She giggles. "Thank you."

Julieta hands Julian the red cup in her hand, and makes the last pile of powder disappear. She rocks her head back and forth, and takes a large gulp from her cup.

"Woo!" She chucks the cup to the garbage can. "Let's get this party started."

Lorenzo laughs. "I think I like this girl."

I muster a smile. "You and me both."

Julieta gasps, snatching a vodka bottle from a stranger walking by us, and lines up four red cups. She has a heavy hand, filling the cup to the point of definitely fucking us up in more ways than another. Shrugging to myself, I wait for her to hand all of us our cups. I look over at the way of Julian playing with his drink before he places it back down.

"Can't keep up?" I ask.

"Isabela," Lorenzo huffs, digging his elbow into my stomach.

Ignoring his plea, I glance at Julian, his jaw tensing up.

All three of us know the exact reason why Julian put the cup down, but I don't care. How do I know it's even true? He's never been completely honest with me. We're playing a game, and if he wants to win— he has to up the stakes, even if that means breaking his promise of never drinking.

It wouldn't be the first promise he broke.

I lengthen my arm to cheer our cup together. "Are you calling it quits?"

Chewing on the inside of his cheek, he slowly grabs the cup, and we clink all four together, inhaling the alcohol in one go. The warm liquid burns my throat, causing my nose to scrunch from its unique taste.

I grab the vodka bottle, refilling Julian's cup. "Round two, anyone?"

My ears ring at the audience cheering me on as I guzzle the grey goose being poured directly into my mouth from someone in the crowd. Excess liquid trickles from my mouth to my chin and down my neck to my chest, damping my outfit. I consume the last sip, and join the crowd in their screaming.

One thing is for sure— I'm making up for my high school and college years.

I'm fucked up.

I blink, and everything is blurry. My body hits the floor with a loud thud.

"Goddammit!" Lorenzo says in a stern tone. "I didn't sign up to be your babysitter for the night."

There's not a lot of comprehension happening, but what I do know is I'm standing with Lorenzo's arms around me. Neon lights flash around us, reflecting on the white clothing.

"Where's Julian?"

Lorenzo's lip juts out. "Oh, you referred to him by name. Don't you remember? Julieta asked if she could have some alone time with Julian. Honestly, I'm surprised yo-..."

With the sound of the music and my incoherent state, I ignore the rest of his rambling and hone in on Julieta wanting alone time with Julian. Makes my blood boil like how fucking gone was I to let them get out of my sight? I scope the room out without meaning to. The irony of wanting to let go isn't lost on me, but I don't care.

Even if I don't want anything to do with him— he's mine.

He belongs to me.

I swat Lorenzo's hands on my skin, and wobble my way to a cabinet to hold myself up. His touch makes my skin crawl. With murder on my mind, I glare over the heads in the room, and even through the smokey haze and dim lights, I can tell it's Julieta, dragging Julian around.

Julieta makes sure Julian is stuck between a wall and her frame, and I almost feel sorry for her since he's undoubtedly won't do anything with her, and she's way too beautiful. But my gut twists as he does the exact opposite of what I expect from him. Julian wraps his arms around her waist, holding her in front of him.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Julieta gets on her tiptoes, pushing her boobs against his chest as she whispers in his ear while he brushes the back of her hair. A smile grows on his chiseled features while Julieta's hand trails down his shirt, searching for his belt.

Of course.

I thought Julieta would be a girl's girl, but how can she resist throwing herself at him when he makes it so easy? Nothing else matters. I can't take my eyes off them despite the voice in my head screaming for me to have fun and forget about him. Even Lorenzo calling to me, snapping his fingers to grab my attention, doesn't work. He sounds like he's a million miles away while Julian and Julieta feel like they're right in my face.

My stomach sinks to the floor with the organ in my chest as Julieta's mouth latches onto his neck. He flashes a closed-lip grin. I can't tell if he's into it or not because he doesn't pull her close or show her any extra attention, but he doesn't do anything to stop her.

Why isn't he stopping her?

Why does it feel like a knife is being plunged right through my chest?

A tap on my shoulder makes me jump out of my skin like I'd just witnessed a jump-scare and snaps me from the disgusting PDA.

"Bella-boo? Everything okay?" He wears a look of concern.

Swallowing my emotions, I nod and squirm my arms around his neck. "Of course it is. When is it not?"

His large hand rubs my back. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

A humorless chuckle escapes my lips. "We both know you're only useful as my personal dildo." My eyes betray me as they dart to Julian, drinking in the state of him receiving kisses from another girl. "Let's go find somewhere we can mess around."

Lorenzo looks up at me with a hungry glaze in his irises, and a smirk tugs at his lips. "Now, we're talking my language."  

Grabbing his hand, I pull him into the hallway where it's less crowded and we have enough space to get a little frisky. He's jumping with excitement. It's quite embarrassing, honestly. My intention with him are rather obvious than pleasant, simple use for pleasure and an extra point in driving Julian mad.

My hands slide down his toned stomach until I touch his belt, unclasping it. He eagerly watches the interaction as I catch a glimpse of Julian heading in our direction. Lorenzo lets out a low moan as my hand slips into his pants, gripping his dick as I lean in and connect our lips. He goes rabid like a dog, with his firm hold around my throat as he slips his tongue into my mouth.

A shadow cast on the floor.

A smile forms on my face once I realize Julian walked right into my trap, and I see the pain in his eyes multiply. I am on cloud nine. Turned on by the fact of hurting that miserable excuse of a man. Julian appears calm, but the irritation shows in his rigid stance.

I can almost feel his dark, somber energy like it's radiating off of him as he clears his throat.

Lorenzo breaks the kiss, spinning to face Julian. For a second, nobody says a word, letting the EDM music linger in the background. While Lorenzo clearly enjoyed the kiss, there's clear guilt cast on his face.

"Didn't mean to intrude," Julian says through a clenched jaw. "Was just looking for the bathroom."

I smile. "It's over there."

He nods, following the direction I'm pointing in. "Thank you."

Once Julian is out of sight, Lorenzo doesn't waste any time and tries to kiss me, but I push him away. It's a lost cause. Julian isn't here to see.

"Stop touching me."

Lorenzo sighs and rubs his forehead. "I'm confused and I don't know if it's a side-effect of the drugs or just me."

I roll my eyes. "Julian isn't here to see, so what's the point?"

Lorenzo scoffs, his jaw tickling. Tense silence spreads for a minute, but I can't break it. I can only imagine what he's going to bitch about now.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Lorenzo asks, breaking the silence and seizing my attention.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, what the fuck is wrong with you?" He repeats, harsher this time.

Heat rushes to my cheeks. "What the hell are you going on about? Nothing is wrong with me."

"Really? Because it seems like my best friend has been abducted by aliens and replaced with a fucking bitch." His voice has altered into an authoritarian tone. "I'm starting to think you and Damien are a perfect match."

Anger builds in me. "Fuck you! Why are you having a tantrum? I didn't do anything wrong!"

He breaks into laughter. "Nothing wrong? God, you're so up your own ass you don't even see what you're doing." His voice raises levels I'd never received from him. "Look, I understand Julian fucked up and hurt you, but that doesn't excuse you for being such a bitch. Julian is trying. He's here, he cares, and he thinks you care too."

My face pinches together. "Of course, he got to you, too. You're supposed to be on my side. I didn't ask him to stay!"

The last strand of composure snaps as Lorenzo's face heats up like a tomato. "You gave him hope, Isabela. If you truly want the man to leave, then tell him straight to his face that you're done because I'm tired of being the middleman and being used as a placeholder."

Lorenzo sighs, clasping one of his hands on my cheeks, and crouches, so we're at eye level. My stomach plummets. His brows knit together with agony, displaying a type of emotion I would've never thought I'll ever see on him.

Pain.

"You're my best friend, Isabela... I would let you use me in anyway you wanted because at least I'd still have you, but..." Lorenzo looks away, his face reeking of embarrassment. "Even I draw the line somewhere. I'm done. With you, with Julian, with everything."

My heart slams against my chest. "L-Lorenzo?"

He leaves me alone with my thoughts. 

Blowing out an agitated breath, I grab anything I can get my hands on in the hallway, and throw it at the goddamn wall. Plants, figurines, pictures frames— everything is in pieces at my feet. My lip quivers as tears fall down my cheeks, and I use the back of my hand to wipe him away, but they're nonstop.

I'm losing everyone.

Everything around me is invisible, drowning out my surroundings, and focusing only on the broken hatch on the dam within me.

I'm cracking. 

I don't know what's wrong with me.

How am I supposed to react? There's that fucking feeling in my chest. The heavy one pushing against my ribcage, threatening to collapse. It aches beyond repair, and I've been trying to bury everything in hopes of maintaining my sanity. It's like a flesh-eating disease, starting from within until I'm barely a resemblance of myself.

I don't know who I am anymore.

All this anger is turning me into someone I'm not— I need to forgive Julian for me, not him. Maybe it's the only way for me to find myself again, but it's easier said than done. There's so many things that I haven't even considered, but my head is swirling like sand in a whirlwind storm.

Stumbling over the pieces of broken fragments, I ignore the lingering gazes of other patrons at the party, and snatch a grey-goose bottle to take with me. Alcohol makes things clearer, right? My steps around the house are almost laughable, but I arrive at the back door to the backyard.

The white-milky moon shines bright in the sky, adorn with the itty-bitty stars that as a child I used to make wishes to. I swallow. They took years to come to fruition. My younger self has been asking for a break since I could remember. How naive was I to think once I'm older things would get easier?

Upon opening the door, a gush of wind hits me like a pile of bricks, causing a trail of goosebumps to emerge on my skin. My throat feels raw as I indulge in the bottle of vodka, drinking the night away.

I don't want to be here right now.

It's mid-December, and I'm strolling through the backyard in a strapless dress. My body yearns for a jacket, but the other part of me thinks I deserve to suffer from frostbite. Someone must've escaped into the backyard since the pool cover has been torn off and a few bottles decorate the chlorine water.

Breathing low and slow, my feet stand on the first step to get into the pool. They're distorted from the motion of the water. I want my conscious to feel as weightless as I do in this water. Grinding my teeth, I submerge myself into the pool, walking as the depth of the water increases. The shock of the cold water does nothing to me.

When the chlorine water brushes against my lips, I suddenly realize I took a step too far, and can't touch the floor without fully sinking in.

So, I do.

My eyes flutter open, observing the bubbles coming from my mouth. It's soothing. Complete silence. Life looks different from here. Water has always represented freedom, and I feel that as I sway my arms like a bird. My dress pushes me down further as it grows heavier because of the fabric soaking in all the water.

Freedom tastes bittersweet.

To savor the full thing, I need to stop clinging on to what I should've given up ages ago. There's nothing worth fighting for.

Like a motion-picture, I'm slowly being dragged from the depths of the water and onto someone's shoulder. Instantly, I'm gasping for air, spitting out water that's caught in my throat and nose. I want it to be my time, but I'm always being saved.

Coughing my lungs out, I push the wet strands out of my face as the mysterious figure places me on the concrete by the pool. My heart forgets to beat. My savior is Julian— once again. He's breathing heavily through his nostrils as he thrust his wet hair away from his face in the sexiest way humanly possible. The white fabric of his shirt is basically see through, unveiling his toned torso.

He looks at me through his half-lid eyes. "What are you doing out here, Isa? It's freezing."

After the initial shock, I suck in a lungful of air, steel my spine, and connect our gazes. "I wanted to go for a swim."

"Mmm."

"Yeah."

"What was that in there?" He nods towards the house.

I shake my head, keeping my voice level. "None of your fucking business."

"Fuck the bullshit, Isa. Be real with me," Julian protests. "Before we got intimate with each other, we were friends. You can talk to me."

Ugh.

My heart wants to cling onto the word so fucking bad, but I have to resist. Falling for Julian again would only ruin me further, and I need to be strong for the people who relay on me.

Julian reaches out to touch my face, but I jerk my face back to keep him from making contact. "Friends, Mr. Lui? Seriously? We both know you were only a bodyguard to me. That's all you will ever be, okay! Just fuck off and disappear again. You're really good at that."

He shakes his head. "No." A frown rests on his face. "I learned from the first time. I'm not going anywhere this time. Tell me what happened between you and Lorenzo."

I roll my eyes. "Isn't it fucking obvious?"

"Not at all."

I hang my head, feeling more exhausted and annoyed than I had in a long time. "I just want to be alone."

"Isa."

A tightness wraps around my chest like a vice, my body's way of reacting to the sweet way he says my name.

He just makes me feel like softy.

"Lorenzo doesn't want to hang out with me anymore," I sniffle, wiping the tip of my nose. "I'm just a fucking terrible person, haven't you heard? He doesn't want to ploy in my attempt... to hurt you the same way you hurt me."

"You did all those things with him to crush me?" Shock laces his words.

Clenching my jaw, I nod. I hate being vulnerable, giving him the upper hand. It didn't work for me the last time, and I'm afraid of the possible outcomes. Raw emotions carve into his sculpted features, a strained mix of relief, and hope.

He steps closer. "What does that mean for us, Isa?"

I scoff. "Nothing."

Julian jerks back. "What?"

"Nothing, Mr. Lui. Like I said, our story has ended," I say in a voice erased of any emotion. "Go back to Julieta. She's probably looking for you."

He wets his lips. "You're the only girl important to me right now."

"You've said that before and yet you left me for a year, Julian. Now, you come back thinking you can win me over by having another girl all over you?"

"You're right." Julian drags his hands down his face. "I'm a fucking idiot. I shouldn't have taken Lorenzo's advice to give you your own taste of your medicine. I wasn't thinking straight. You have to fucking believe me— if I could go back in time to before I left, I would in a heartbeat. Isa, you mean everything to me."

His words make my pulse thump faster. My heart goes against my wishes and joyfully beats for everything that left his lips. I want to believe him. I so badly want to fall into his arms, but I don't trust him. He always had a way with words, but always failed to fulfill them.

I can't do this to myself again.

I sigh. "What do you want from me, Mr. Lui?"

"Isn't it fucking obvious?" He mimics me.

I laugh under my breath. "Not at all."

Julian closes the distance between us, interlocking our hands to keep me from backing up and escaping. Just inches in front of my face, a raw torment look blankets his features, a sign that he's about to burst like I just have. He pulls my hand against his chest, clasping over his heart. His warm skin against my shivering flesh.

Adrenaline pumps through my veins, thick with anticipation.

"I'm done with all the games. You keep telling me you're done with me, so here's your chance. Isabela, if you truly want me out of your life forever— look into my eyes, and say it. Tell me how much you hate me. I want you to break me, so I can never love again because I don't have the right to."

My chest aches.

"J-Julian," I whisper.

The desperate pleas from my hearts are dueling with my rational brain. This is what I've been asking for, right? I don't know what's right. All I know is my heart plummets to my stomach at the thought of him disappearing again.

His ocean eyes shine with a tiny hint of hope. "Tell me what you want."

All of my cautiousness thoughts are pushed into the air to get taken away. My heart takes ownership, and I lurch forward, slamming my lips against his. My body memorizes the familiar territory, enveloping around his neck, and melting into the kiss. I ignore every reason why this is a mistake, and simply just kiss him.

My heart beats out of control.

It's slow, as we regain knowledge of each other's rhythm again. His hand travels up to my cheeks, grasping for a perfect hold to tilt my head back. Julian's tongue glides across my lips, asking for entrance. I whimper as an intense ache builds at the bottom of my stomach, submitting to him fully.

God, I want him so bad.

I want him to be mine.

To my dismay, the kiss stops short.

His head jerks back, the skin between his brows creasing as he clears his throat. "I'm sorry. I think we're making a mistake." My stomach sinks like a nickel in a fountain. "You're drunk. If we're going to do this, I want it to be because you want it, not because you have liquid courage. I don't ever want to take advantage of you. I-I'm sorry."

Julian climbs out of the pool.

My head swims.

What do I do now?

Merry Christmas 🎄🎁🎄🎁 my loves I hope you got all your wishes and gifts you asked for!!

This chapter took a long time to write, but I really love it! What do you guys think about it?

How do you feel Isabela acting the way she is? Do you feel for Lorenzo? For Julian? What's your interpretation of her pushing Julian away?

Do you think he did the right move by breaking the kiss? I would love to hear all your thoughts 💜💖💜💖

What do you think is going to happen next? Do you think Lorenzo is truly done with Isabela? Is Isabela and Julian going to fix everything?

Thank you for always supporting and sending me love in the comments! It helps keeping me motivated to write for y'all ! I love ya !!!

💜💖💜💖💜💖💜💖💜