I remember this game my friends and I like to play on sleepovers. Basically you ask a question and everyone had to answer. But there is one (or multiple, depends on the amount of players) liar, who's been assigned that role by another person who doesn't play. There are multiple rounds, depending on the amount of players and liars. At the end of every round everyone votes on the person they think is the liar and the person with the most votes "dies". This goes on until all the liars have been exposed or every player is dead. It's a fun game.

One of the question we asked often, was "what is your biggest fear?". I always answered with "my mind". That was because my mind can make the most horrible monsters out of just a simple shadow, and a lot more annoying things. It takes my fears and multiplies or enlarges them. Think about several huge, hairy spiders in the dark, their shimmering red eyes staring into your soul. (Woah there, Sanne, you're exaggerating a bit) (my writers instinct kicked in)

Anydoodles (lovely word), I only know realise how true that was/is. While it still does make monsters out of shadows when I'm trying to sleep, it also makes monsters in my head, only mind, and they are worse than any visible, non-existent monster.

A few examples: Really bad intrusive thoughts (like, really bad) and horrible self-esteem.

Intrusive thoughts. You know, that moment when you're holding a tiny kitten and you suddenly think "if I squeezed very hard, I'd be able to kill it", and then you're like "wtf no I don't want to kill this kitten" and you force it away. Right? You force it away.
For me, it's a lot harder. I used to be able to force them out of my head, but it's harder now. I get them a lot more too. A week ago, I was driving somewhere (well, my stepdad was). We were just driving on the highway, when I suddenly thought "what if we get run over". "What if we get run over and die and my friends won't know until later and will wonder why I didn't show up and when will they even know will they know the same day or tomorrow or will they be good at school and would my classmates even care they don't even like us" etcetera etcetera. And the worst thing, I almost wanted it. I almost wanted to get run over. Or at least, my mind forced me to think I wanted it, that it were rational thoughts. They weren't. I know that. I don't want to die. I want to live.

Whenever I say "I want to die" or "I'm waiting for the sweet release of death" or anything like that, I don't actually wanna die. I want to live, but not like this. To quote the song "Angel With A Shotgun": "I wanna live, not just survive tonight"

There's a difference between living and surviving. Surviving is just not dying. Living is- living is having a purpose. Living is actually enjoying life, doing what you love, being with the people you love. Living is loving life.

I do not love life right now. I feel neutral. I know it will get better. I'm getting help soon. I know I should keep on living, because things will get better.

Anyways, my mind tries to convince me my intrusive thoughts are my conscious, rational thoughts. They are not. I don't want to think them.

There is also this thing that happens a lot. I don't know what it is or what to call it. I kinda zone out but not really. Everything just doesn't feel real. I feel really weird, like I could literally die and it wouldn't affect anything. It's not like my intrusive thoughts. They don't tell me I wanna die. They just say that this is not real so it wouldn't affect real life. They aren't even thoughts, I think. It's more like a feeling. Like I'm watching the world play out in front of my eyes, but I don't participate. Or something. I'm seeing a film from the perspective of someone's eyes, but not my own. My body is on autopilot. I still talk, I tell my friends when it happens, but it's not like they can do anything about it. I can't either.

I just tell myself "this is real this is real this is real". I don't think it even helps. It goes away eventually, after a few minutes. But it's just really weird and I have no idea what to do with it. I don't know wtf is happening or what it means. Dammit.

Okay, second monster: my non-existent self-esteem. I'm not gonna go into detail, because 1. I'm not in the mood 2. I have already talked about it. I think. Probably. 3. I'm at 825 words already.

I just wanna say: it's shit.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk, have some cute sheep

They are valais blacknose sheep, they look like plushies and they are absolutely adorable