How fucked up am I when it extremely hurts me when someone says they're disappointed in me, even if it's just a teacher about a bad grade, and it haunts me from the rest of the week?
How fucked up am I when I can't even stand up for myself because I'm afraid of- of what, actually?
How fucked up am I when I get the feeling I'm only annoying my friends and should just shut up?
How fucked up am I when I can't even stand up to throw something away when I'm in a room full of people don't know?
How fucked up am I when I care so much about what people think about me?
How fucked up am I when I feel guilty about the smallest things others don't even think about?
How fucked up am I when I dwell for hours, days even, on that one embarrassing moment?
How fucked up am I when I have to mentally prepare myself for saying "here" in class?
How fucked up am I when I have to repeat everything a hundred times in my head before ordering my food?
How fucked up am I when I can't even handle a phone call?
How fucked up am I when I count my money ten times to be certain I have enough and other people don't have to wait for me?
How fucked up am I when I want to hide my face every time I'm in public?
How fucked up am I when I'd rather hide in my room than deal with people?
How fucked up am I when I can't handle even the smallest touch, not even my hand or shoulder?
How fucked up am I when I can't even hug someone without being uncomfortable?
How fucked up am I when I have to edit every word mentally so that I won't annoy people with too much talking?
How fucked up am I when I want to call in sick by every social thing we have to do for school?
How fucked up am I when I can't defend myself for having social anxiety without feeling guilty?
How fucked up am I when I don't even want to get rid of it because I don't know who I am without it?
How fucked up am I?

These are the thoughts of someone with social anxiety.

These are my thoughts.

(No, I don't have depression or something, I was just in a mood. I talked with my friends about our anxiety and her depression and yeah. I'm fine don't worry. I know I'm not fucked up, well at least not in this way. I'm very fucked up when it comes to my weirdness and fandoms but that's not relevant right now. Anyways, I'm okay.)

I've been thinking I had had social anxiety for years now, but I didn't want to self diagnose in case I didn't have it and I didn't want to, idk, harm people who do have it by saying I have a disorder I don't.

I did some research and the symptoms matched me. But I still didn't want to say I had it without being diagnosed or having proof.

Until I got a panic attack.

It suddenly happened in class, no warning or whatsoever. (I don't think I used that word correctly) (what do you know, four eyes)

It was in French. A few people had to write a short story on the board that we had to do as homework. The teacher started walking towards me and I was afraid I'd have to stand up and write and be in front of the class and everyone would look at me and my terrible handwriting and aaaah.

I got a panic attack. I started to hyperventilate and my heart beat way too fast. My chest felt tight, like someone was pushing on it. I'm getting anxious only writing this.

I don't know how long it lasted. Maybe only a few seconds, maybe minutes. Nobody noticed. My panic attacks are silent.

Now I was certain I had social anxiety.

The next day it happened again. We had to go to school because we were getting informed about choosing pour profile (basically the set of subjects you're keeping for the next three years of highschool and you will graduate in).
We had to sit in the canteen. (666th word. I agree, the canteen is indeed hell. Or actually, the hell in hell)
My mom and I came in. A lot of people were already there, staring at me. I couldn't sit with my friends and had to walk to the other side of the room for a seat. A third of the seats were empty and I wanted to sit at the end of the row, as far away from the people who were sitting in the middle possible. The people who were sitting over there were kids that bullied me two years ago and a few of my mean classmates. So naturally, I didn't want to sit close to them.

But my mom insisted we sat there so she could see the screen well (there was a tv that showed the slideshow on the side where I wanted to sit, the speaker had a microphone and it is a small room so she could still see him perfectly fine so that was bullshit.)

I protested, softly of course, I didn't want people to hear me, but she wouldn't listen. I didn't say those people were sitting there because 1. They may hear me, and 2. I didn't think my mom would listen to me.

I'm too tired to describe everything, but long story short, I ended up sitting behind two of my stupid classmates, before my old bullies and two seats away from another stupid classmate.

I got a panic attack then and there. My mom didn't notice.

I'm not in the mood to give all of the details so this is it.

Here are a few tips for dealing with social anxiety and how it is like to have (haha have got autocorrected to hate which is pretty accurate) to live with it

I didn't even know all of these things were symptoms of anxiety before I looked them up. I have done literally everything. I thought they were normal, or that I was just a little awkward. But not that this isn't normal at all. That never occurred to me

This would help a lot, please and thank you

I agree, I agree 100%
Presenting is horrible I always nearly cry

For Christmas we're having brunch at at school and we're doing something with 5,- presents and dice and I'm seriously considering calling in sick because I really don't want to deal with my class and I certainly don't want to spend 5,- I could use for buying one of my friends a present for her birthday which is in a few weeks.

Also, I hate my class. Another chapter on that later.

Okay, I think I'm done with this subject bye

Holy fuck this is long (1185 words)