Gods fucking dammit this got deleted when I was almost done

I have thought I was straight for a long time, even after discovering the LGBT+ community

But suddenly it dawned on me: I am demisexual (edit: nvm I'm ace)

I don't know when I realised it, it just happened one day

The funny thing is that when I discovered BlueSeaCookies's Instagram account we talked about them being genderfluid and demisexual. When they explained demisexuality, I thought "hey that kinda sounds like me" but I brushed it off by thinking "you just want to be part of the LGBT+ community because you think they're cool, stop being needy and wanting attention it's not always about you get over yourself bitch" (I have self-esteem issues) okay, this isn't what I thought at that moment, but it kinda is what I thought later on, every time I would think I might not be straight. I started following a lot of LGBT+ accounts on Instagram and it became a big part of my life. They posted not only about LGBT+ but also about social anxiety (which I have, see last chapter) and uplifting texts, like "you are beautiful" or "you matter" and that made me smile and feel better.

I think I'm also demiromantic, since I don't fall in love easily and I have this thing called book love which is kinda like the perfect relationship and I don't want anything less *shrugs*
When I get a relationship, I want a relationship. I want it to be perfect and great and permanent and yeah, impossible. Well, I always knew I'd be Forever Alone™

There is something after the "demi" right? Like, it doesn't define what gender you like. I like boys, so I'd be demi-heteroromantic. I don't think I like girls. Whenever I think I feel attraction towards the woman I test myself by asking if I would ever want to kiss or be in a relationship with a woman and then I'm like ew no.

I'm in the mood, so I'm gonna write out my type

What I want him to be:

- a feminist
- supporter of LGBT+
- not islamophobic
- not racist
- not a Trump supporter
- a fanboy
- likes cats
- likes reading
- likes Voltron
- ships Solangelo and Klance
- likes cats
- likes sushi

I like cute boys. Both as fictional characters (Keith, Lance, Hinata, Deku) and real life people. I'd rather have a cute, blushy, clumsy boy than a badass rebel type. (I have a weird preference for scrawny boys too, idk why)

I want us to know and love each other as best friends before becoming lovers. I want to be able to talk with him as easy as it is to talk with Fee. (I think that's where the demiromantic part kicks in)

I want to laugh with him. I want him to make silly jokes, bad puns and have inside jokes with me.

I want him to understand me by just a look. I want him to help me overcome my self esteem issues, if I don't overcome those before I'm twenty. I want him to hug me gently, be the first person I feel totally comfortable hugging besides my grandma. I want to cuddle with him at night, embracing me with his warmth. I want him to show me his favourite book and explore and discuss new ones together. I want him to be both my best friend and my lover.

This is why I'll be single my whole life.

I also don't feel like I would enjoy kissing. Idk, I like cuddling, nose boops and butterfly kisses on the forehead. Get your tongue away from me

I also don't know of I'd want to do the frick frack. I don't know if it's because I'm only 13 so I actually have no idea yet. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's my sexuality. I'll figure it out eventually.

Welp, I'm going to sleep, I almost fell asleep writing the end so bye

Okay I did fall asleep goodemight