I don't know how to start this

I'm just gonna rant about all the horrible traits I have and how it's fucking up my life I guess

1. Guilt

I get guilty really quick. Way too quick.

For example: Some time ago, my bike broke down on my way home. I don't know how the thing is called in English but there was something wrong we could fix. My friend (whom I always cycle with) did most of it, and her hand ended up a lot dirtier than mine, and thus, I felt extremely guilty because it was my bike.

I told her that a few days ago, when I was ranting about my horrible combination of personality traits or whatever they're called I'm not in the mood to English right now. Anyways, she said she actually felt really cool and powerful because she could fix my bike, and she didn't mind at all. (Note that this was literal months ago.)

I also feel guilty when I snap at my friends or feel like I'm being rude or insensitive or something, but not the good kind of guilt. I feel really, really guilty for the smallest things they don't even notice. 

And the problem is, I know there is no need to feel this guilty over all these things but my stupid head says "nuh uh fuck you, you'll be feeling guilty for the rest of the month because I'm a dickhead that's why"

Ugh

2. I'm a perfectionist.

And with a perfectionist, I mean a perfectionist. And that wouldn't even be that bad, if it weren't for the fact I'm also a 

3. Pessimist

And a

4. Procastrinator

Do you see my struggle?

For example:

I have to make an assignment or something for school. I wait until the last day because my body just won't react to "I've only got four days left hurry up" but instead chooses to ignore everything I say and do it the night before.

So, I've actually started working on my assignment. It's already 9pm and I'm getting tired but I still need to do like half. I finally finish at 9:45 (because I'm slow like that) and I start reading it to correct stuff.

Then my perfectionism kicks in. "no, you could do this better, and this, and this, and this thingy too, etcetera" And my pessimism reacts with "ew, this is bad and this is bad and this is bad and on and on".
I only stop because I'm either tired af or completely done. I just say fuck it and stop.

But that's with school work.

When I'm drawing more than just a doodle, I am way too pessimistic and perfectionistic. I hate almost everything I create and that brings me to the next point:

5. My self-esteem is in the min

Okay, it has gotten a little better in the past few weeks but it's still pretty bad.

Like I said, I hate almost every thing I make. I've only gotten a little bit better at appreciating my art just now.

I make a lot of self degrading jokes. Like this Tuesday. My friend Noortje (from the hazeln00t poem) said "I hate you", which I answered with "likewise, I hate myself too".

I also make a lot of death jokes (I find it actually kind of impressing since my grandpa died 3,5 weeks ago and the funeral was a week later. I almost started crying because of a video my chemistry teacher showed us because it got a little to close, though.)
I don't know, I just like dark humour I guess. (It feels weird to write humour because it's humor in Dutch but I'm learning British English... Anyways~)

I also don't like how I look most of the time. Well, at least my face. I actually kinda like my body. I'm slim with long legs and I like that. I find my boobs are a little too big, though.
But that's not the point. I don't like my face. Or at least, on some days. I like my eyes (they are dark green, I like green) and my hair is okay too. It's really big, often too big, but it doesn't really tangle (is that the right word). I think it's too heavy to do so lmao.

I also use my hair to hide my face so that's nice.

Wow I managed to make this optimistically how

My Instagram buddies helped too. I'd never been called pretty before so that shocked me a little.

I hate that I even feel the need to care about my appearance. Fuck you, society.

That's one of the reasons I dislike make up. I feel like society pressures girls into wearing make up. Like, if we don't do it, it's weird. I don't want to wear it because it's really expensive (do you know how many books and food I could buy with that money??). It costs a lot of time. I already need to wake up at 6:30 and I'm not sacrificing sleep to put some shit on my face so that others have a pretty face to look at. I also hate the feeling. Foundation (I had to google the word, I forgot lmao)? Nuh uh, not for me.

I had to wear make up for a theater thing with school two years ago and they were really bad at applying it.  They used way too much foundation and they had only two colours so you either looked like a ghost or a carrot. And the lip stick was bright red. It's not that hard for the audience to see our mouths, you know. We don't need blood red lips. But anyways, after they applied the make up I immediately washed it of. It felt weird and I only had one fucking line, which I shared. I really didn't need all that.

I also don't wear or plan on wearing make up because when I said that once my step dad said I would eventually start wearing it and I am determined to prove him wrong.

To be clear, I really don't care if you do wear make up, just don't give me shit for not wanting to, please and thank you.

(Side note: why do so many people spell lose wrong? Lose is a verb and loose is an adjective. This was completely irrelevant but whatever)

Um where were I again... O! Yeah (I already have 1046 words whoops)

6. Social anxiety sucks

You'd think this isn't a personality trait, but the problem is, I've had it for so long (probably my whole life, I don't really know) that it has become part of my personality.

One of the reasons it's so hard to cure it is because I don't know who I am without it. (I've heard that it's the same for depression and probably a lot of other mental illnesses too.)

It's also hard because I have literally no idea how to cure it.

 I feel like it's actually getting worse. I got a panick attack on Wednesday, in PE. We did something with trampolines and I got nervous thinking about getting a panick attack because there only were two trampolines and the whole class would look at me and what fucked up and fell they already don't like me blablabla and I got a panick attack from thinking of getting a panick attack.

Do you see my struggle?

'Cause apparently, thinking about situations where you're embarrassed is a symptom of anxiety too. Like what the fuck. Anxiety makes me feel embarrassed in my head and because of that I get a small panic attack.

Anxiety is a bitch.

Anyways (I've said that a lot, this chapter. When I'm writing fanfiction, I notice that, too. I always us one or two particular words a lot in a one-shot), I got a panic attack, told my teacher, he's also head of the third (my year) and the fourth year so I think he already knew about it through my mom or something. I sat down for a few minutes. i had different symptoms than the other times. I was hyperventilating like always, but my legs were also shaking so hard I had to press my hands on them to keep them from shaking and my hand felt weird. The only way I can describe it is like when your leg falls asleep but a little different. The word that came to me (how do I English) at the time was magic. It felt like there was some sort of power or something in my hands but not the good kind.

My friend Noortje (hazeln00t) has anxiety too, and she also got a panic attack. We sat on the bench and eventually I calmed down. I joined my friends and everything went well. Noortje, however, wasn't. Her panic attacks are a little different from mine I think and she no maybe I shouldn't tell you these things, privacy and such.

Anyways (stop saying that) I got a panic attack today too. We had art and were waiting for the teacher. Some boys from our class I don't know the word I'm tired I've been writing for over an hour. Well, they were standing really close and two of them started fake fighting (stupid 14 & 15 year old boys) and they bumped into me. I was already irritated because they were so close and I was standing with my back toward them so I couldn't see them and that stuff always freaks me out. I got angry and shoved them away (should've done it harder) and said "don't touch me!".

I was starting to get a serious panic attack.

Instead of stopping they just kept going (because 14 year old boys are annoying as fuck) and one of them said "watch out, don't touch her" but in a mocking way, like "why is she overreacting lets make fun of her having a sense of personal space", which made me really mad. You triggered a fucking panick attack out of me and I AM MAD.

That didn't last long though. The teacher arrived and we went into the class room. My leg was shaking just like Wednesday. It stopped soon, luckily, but still. Watch your fucking boundaries.

I don't know where I was going with this.

I think I should end this, I've already got 1689 words. I think this is the longest chapter I've written up to now. It's been 1,5 hours.

Oh, and before I forget, I said I was demisexual two chapters ago, but I feel more comfortable by saying I'm asexual.

I'm Ace & Proud.

(You can call me toll ace, Sash middle ace and Jade smol ace from now on. I'm 1,69 and apparently they are both really smol. I am a Hollander after all. We are tall. It's kinda funny that 1,70 is very tall for women in your country but here it's pretty normal. I also am one of the oldest - 13, turning 14 in March - and I am really proud of that, since I am the shortest and second youngest of our real life friends. I'm only defending my honour with the fact that I'm twenty days older than Fee, even though she's taller. Where ws I going with this- oh wait, I said that a few alinea's ago.)

(I'm also demiheteroromantic.)

Kay bye I'm too tired - no not tired, just really slow - to think.

I'm so glad it's weekend, tbh. Only one more week and we have a two weeks long vacation. I really need that. 

Oh, and my braces are getting removed Thursday idk why I'm telling you this you don't even know I have braces but okay

I'm gonna so much in the vacation. I'm going to learn to play the guitar and piano, or at least read music notes, I'm gonna read a lot, improve at drawing, try painting with aquarel again, write more poems and write the Klance fic I started a week ago. I also want to write a longer fic, I've already got a lot of ideas, but I am almost never in the mood to write. Thanks, school.

Wow this got t0 1989 words bye oh wait I remembered the things I wanted to say. Note to self: reassurance, I don't care about school anymore, selfishness and arrogance.

K bye (2015 words)