Nina: "Knowledge" is knowing that tomato is a fruit, "Wisdom" is knowing not to put tomato in a fruit salad.

Jesper: That's deep.

Wylan: "Philosophy" is wondering if that makes ketchup a smoothie.

Jesper: That's even deeper.

Matthias: "Common sense" is knowing that ketchup isn't a smoothie, you nasty.

-

Kaz: Hey Jesper, I have a question.

Jesper: Yeah?

Kaz: Why are we lying on the ground?

Jesper: You got knocked out and I laid down next to you so people would think we were just chilling.

-

Wylan: Imagine if someone handed you a box with all the items you've lost throughout your lifetime...

Matthias: It would be nice to get my sense of purpose back...

Kaz: Oh wow, my childhood innocence. Thank you for finding this.

Nina: Neat, where did you find this respect for my people?

Inej: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years!

Jesper: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Wylan: Guys, could you lighten up a little?

-

Matthias: You have friends. I envy that.

Nina: You're welcome to my friends.

Matthias: *Looks at Kaz, Inej, Jesper and Wylan* I don't want these.

-

Jesper: *Grabs a bottle* Hey want to see your best friend chug and entire bottle of hot sauce?

Kaz: Inej would never do that.

-

Matthias: *Waking up* Where am I?

Nina: *Sarcastically* heaven

Matthias: Oh.

Matthias: Didn't think you'd be here.

-

Inej: You're smiling. Why are you smiling?

Matthias: What? Can't I just smile?

Jesper: Nina tripped and fell down the stairs.

-

Wylan: Hey do you think I can fit fifteen marshmellows into my mouth?

Matthias: You're a hazard to society.

Jesper: And a coward. Do twenty.

-

Nina: Stop being so serious. One day you'll look back on this and laugh.

Matthias: I can assure you that every day for the rest of my life whenever I remember this I will drive over to your house and smack you.

-

Kaz: *Driving Inej to the airport* Have a safe flight.

Inej: I have no say in the matter.

Kaz: *Driving off* Die, then.

-

Kaz: You were injured, how much do you remember?

Wylan: Just the ambulance ride.

Kaz: Wait what? Inej drove us, there was no ambulance.

Wylan: But I heard sirens?

Inej: That was Jesper.

Jesper: Sorry I was nervous.

-

Nina: S[he] be[lie]ve[d]

Inej: He lied...

Kaz: Sbeve.

Nina: There are two types of people.

Wylan: How did you even pronounce the brackets?

Nina: Make that three.

-

Wylan: How come I smell fire?

Jesper: Because of my burning passion for you.

Wylan:

Jesper: I had an accident with the toaster.

-

Kaz: Look, Jesper, I know you snuck out and came back at 3:00

Jesper: *Mentally* uh oh act dumb

Jesper: Who's Jesper?

-

Nina: *Tapping fingers*

Matthias: *Tapping fingers*

Inej: Umm what are you doing?

Jesper: They learned morse code to argue silently because Kaz was complaining about them being loud.

Nina: *Tapping fingers aggressively*

Matthias: *Slams hand on table* TAKE THAT BACK!

-

Kidnapper: I've kidnapped your friend. He's listening to this conversation right now.

Inej: Which friend?

Kidnapper: Kaz.

Inej: DON'T KILL HIM

Kidnapper: I won't, as long as you—

Inej: Shut up, I'm not talking to you!

Inej: KAZ, PLEASE DON'T KILL HIM.

-

Wylan: If I punch myself and it hurts am I strong or weak?

Jesper: Strong.

Kaz: Weak.

Matthias: An idiot.

-

Per Haskell: Where have you been?

Kaz: We did an escape room.

Per Haskell: Oh cool, can I see a picture?

Kaz: Sure.

Per Haskell: ...this is the ice court.

-

Kaz: Why would you give Wylan a knife.

Inej: Wylan felt unsafe.

Kaz: Now I feel unsafe.

Inej: *Opens bag* Want a knife?

Kaz: Why the frick do you have so many knives—

-

Jesper: So here's the tea—

Matthias: This is a mission report.

Kaz: Shh I want to hear the tea.

-

Wylan: *Bangs on the door* Open up!

Kaz: Well, it all started when I was a kid...

Wylan: I meant—

Inej: Let him finish.

-

Person: I love the whole good cop and bad cop thing you and Kaz do.

Inej: It's more like I'm nice and he's not.

-

Kaz: I hate everyone equally.

Nina: The house caught on fi-

Kaz: IS INEJ OKAY???

-

Wylan: What does 'take out' mean?

Nina: Food.

Jesper: Dating.

Inej: Murder.

Kaz: It can mean all three if you're not a coward.

Matthias: What is wrong with you people?

-

Jesper to Wylan: I notice we have slowly started to phase the 'B' out of our bromance.

-

Inej: You could try sleeping.

Kaz: *scoffs* This is no time for jokes, Inej.

-

[texting]

Wylan: nose

Wylan: I just typed 'nose' with my nose!

Nina: heart

Wylan: What

Wylan: are you okay?

Wylan: Nina?!

-

Matthias: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!

Matthias: *aggressively throws water bottles*

Kaz: Uh...

Inej: He's trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.

Matthias: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!

Nina: *crying* It's working.

-

Matthias: I am, as the kids say, awake.

Jesper: Don't you mean woke?

Matthias: Yes, but that would be grammatically incorrect.

-

Kaz: He died of natural causes.

Inej: You pushed him off the roof.

Kaz: Gravity's natural.

-

Jesper: Can we go to a haunted house this year?

Kaz: What's wrong with the one we live in?

Jesper: Wait...what?!

Kaz: Goodnight.

-

Kaz: *Runs into the room distractedly* Have you seen the thing?

Inej: What thing?

Kaz: You know, the thing! I seem to have misplaced it, and it is of great importance...

Wylan: *Bounces in* Hi !

Kaz: Oh, there it is.

Inej: ...

Inej: You lost Wylan?

-

Kaz: Jesper, can I speak to you privately for a minute?

Jesper: Ooh someone's in trouble.

Jesper: It's me. I don't know why I did that.

-

Wylan: *Beats everyone at poker*

Jesper: Wow, Wylan, are you secretly cool?

Wylan: Well poker is just math. Do you think mathematicians are cool?

Jesper: I do not.

-

Matthias: Sorry for all the stuff I said.

Nina: What about trying to kill me?

Matthias: No, you deserved that.

-

Jesper: Uh oh.

Kaz: What?

Jesper: Somebody's in love.

Kaz: Yeah right. I just think Inej is cool. I don't care that deeply about her.

Jesper: ...I was talking about Matthias and Nina.

-

Kaz: *Points a broken coffee machine* So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just want to know.

Inej: ...it was me. I broke it.

Kaz: No, no you didn't. Jesper?

Jesper: Don't look at me, look at .

Wylan: What?!? I didn't break it.

Jesper: Huh, that's weird. How did you even know it was broken?

Wylan: Because it's sitting right in front of us, and it's broken.

Jesper: Suspicious.

Wylan: No it's not!

Nina: If it matters, Matthias was the last one to use it.

Matthias: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!

Nina: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Matthias: I use the wooden stirrers to build mini archery sets. Everyone knows that, Nina!

Inej: Okay, let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Kaz.

Kaz: No you didn't. Who broke it?

Wylan: ... Kuwei's been awfully quiet.

Kuwei: REALLY?!?

*Everyone starts fighting*

Kaz: *Stares at the camera* I broke it. It burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig's head on a stick.

-

Inej: What are you doing?

Kaz: Offering moral support.

Inej: You have morals?

Kaz: No, but I support those who do.

-

Matthias: Nina told me I have four days to live.

Inej: You're sick?!?

Matthias: No, she just doesn't like me.

Nina: WE'LL SEE WHO'S LAUGHING ON TUESDAY

-

Inej: *Reading a fortune cookie* If you kill a killer the number of killers in the world stays the same

Nina: *Mouth full of takeout* Kill two

-

Kaz: Goddammit, you're ALWAYS blowing things up!

Wylan: That's not true! Sometimes I set things on fire!

-

Matthias: Who's trying to kill us?!?

Kaz: I got no clue! Could be any number of people!

-

Matthias: *Waking up* What happened?

Kaz: Inej, you bring him up to date.

Inej: Wylan was shot, Jesper was half-strangled, the boat exploded, Nina got smoke inhalation, the money is missing, and Nina is in a coma from mistaking the sleeping pills for good & plenty.

Matthias: Holy crap, how long was I out?

Inej: Twelve minutes.

-

Inej: Wylan, he's mad because you said "awesome sauce" instead of "I love you too."

Inej: Jesper, he's in love with you. Stop being a child.

Inej: Matthias, you're clearly at fault here and blaming Nina is not going to save you.

Inej: Nina, everyone knows you were speed-eating doritos while you were supposed to be keeping watch.

Inej: Frankly you're all to blame, so everyone apologize to me.

-

Jesper: I'm not an adrenaline junky. I can stop any time I want to.

Kaz: So, stop.

Jesper: I don't want to.

-

Kaz: I'm having feelings again, like some kind of twelve year old. You remember feelings, don't you?

Nina: Yeah, I've had them every single day of my life.

Kaz: Wait, really?

Nina: Are you saying you don't have feelings?

-

Jesper: Whoa, where did you get that cane?

Kaz: *Grimly* It's a long story.

=FLASHBACK=

Kaz: *Sees cane in store window*

Kaz: Whoa, neat!

-

Kaz: Jesper is late. Again.

Inej: How can it be? I called him at 8:00 and pretended it was eleven.

Nina: I printed a fake schedual pretending it starts at nine instead of noon.

Wylan: I set his clock to pm instead of am.

Matthias: Uh oh. We may have overdone it.

*Six hours ago*

Jesper: Where the f*ck is everyone?

-

Kaz: *Holding Pekka Rollins at swordpoint* Mercy is the mark of a great man.

Kaz: *Stabs Rollins*

Kaz: I guess I'm just a good man.

Kaz: *Stabs Rollins again*

Kaz: Well, I'm alright.

-

Inej: This is something Kaz has to do for himself.

Kaz: *Fighting a HUGE thug* NO! NO IT'S NOT!

Inej: Oh!

All: *Start firing*

-

Thug: Your kind are all cowards and piss-pots.

Kaz: Say that to my face.

Thug: *Turns to face * I said you're a coward and a piss-pot. Now what are you going to do about it?

Kaz: Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you.

Thug: *Turns*

Inej: *Knocks the Thug out*

-

Inej: Help me look for him.

Nina: *Points* Is that him?

Inej: That's the buffet table.

Nina: Well, how can we be sure unless we question it?

Inej: Fine. Don't make yourself sick.

-

Jesper: *Trying on a colorful knit cap* Pretty cunning don't you think?

Nina: I think it's the sweetest hat ever!

Kaz: A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.

Jesper: Damn straight!

-

Inej: First rule of battle Wylan... don't ever let them know where you are.

*Smash cut to Jesper*

Jesper: Woo hoo! I'm right here! I'm right here! You want some of me? Yeah you do! Come on! Come on! Aaaah! *Explosions ensue as Jesper dives behind a crate*

Inej: Of course, there are other schools of thought.

-

Kaz: I suppose you heard most of that.

Inej: Only because I was eavesdropping.

-

Pekka Rollins: You kill me. What then?

Kaz: I dunno. I imagine I'll get a hobby or something.

-

Kidnapper: Inej?

Inej: Speaking.

Kidnapper: I've kidnapped your friend . I'll return him if you give me 10,000$.

Kaz: Oh ok—WAIT, ONLY 10,000$? YOU THINK I'M ONLY WORTH 10,000$?!?

Kidnapper: Um—

Kaz: MAKE IT 20 MILLION—

Inej: SHUT UP KAZ!

-

Wylan: So... uh... I know I'm the new kid here but I think I speak for everyone when I say... huh?!?

All: *Nodding*

-

Kaz: *Loses Inej in a public place*

Kaz: How do you lose Inej?!

Jesper: You forgot to cherish her.

Kaz:

-

Inej: A friend just came looking for you.

Kaz: A friend?

Inej: An enemy.

Kaz: Oh! Which one?

-

* in a horror movie*

Phone: *Rings*

Jesper: *Picks up* Hello?

Killer: I see you.

Jesper:

Killer:

Jesper:

Killer:

Jesper:

Killer:

Jesper: Do I look good?

-

Matthias: I just want to be included.

Jesper: Okay! We'll include you!

*Later*

Matthias: What the hell

-

Kaz: Truth or dare?

Wylan: Truth.

Kaz: What's your credit card number?

-

Jesper: *Calling * Hey.

Kaz: I swear to god if you're calling from jail I will make sure no one finds your body.

Jesper: Okay now I'm just relieved the police are listening to this.

-

Kaz: I am going to send you on a mission.

Matthias: Why?

Kaz: Because of all the good things you've done.

Matthias: I have the worst success record of anyone here.

Kaz: It's not about the numbers, Matthias, it's about the attitude.

Matthias: I have the worst attitude of anyone here.

-

Kaz: Look, this doesn't have to be a big deal. Whoever took that pie, come forward and all will be forgiven.

Everyone:

Kaz: Smart. You knew I would never forgive you.

-

Matthias: What is love?

Inej: To take care of, protect and support someone else by putting their needs before yours.

Jesper: Wanting to be with and do things with another person all the time.

Nina: To form a deep emotional bond between you and someone else.

Kaz: A bunch of chemical processes in the brain.

Inej:

Jesper:

Nina:

Kaz: What?

Wylan: *Moonwalking backwards* BABY DON'T HURT ME~

-

Wylan: Can I borrow a pencil?

Matthias: I don't know, can you?

Wylan: Yes, and might I add that colloquial irregularities occur frequently in any language, and since you and the rest of our present company perfectly understood my intended meaning, being particular about the distinction between "can" and "may" is purely pedantic and arguably pretentious.

Matthias: You may not borrow my pencil.

-

Inej: Do you want to talk about your feelings?

Kaz: No.

Jesper: I do.

Inej: I know, Jesper.

Jesper: I'm sad.

Inej: I know, Jesper.

-

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Kaz: No.

Judge: *Covers mic* What do I do?

-

*At their worst*

Jesper: *In the hospital with to broken arms and three teeth missing* Worth it

Kaz: So my cunning plan got so convoluted that I somehow managed to double cross myself and ended up banished from three countries I've never been to.

Nina: I DON'T NEED SLEEP IT'S ONLY BEEN A DAY SINCE I ATE I NEED TO FINISH THIS BOOK ABOUT DRAGON DUNG DAMMIT

-

Wylan: Hey, Kaz, pass the updog.

Kaz: What's updog?

Wylan: JESPER YOU OWE ME 10$ I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT

-

Inej: I love working here it's just... we all have a lot of laughs.

Kaz: *Walking through* F*ck off Wylan, I not going to your f*cking birthday party.

-

Jesper: *Loses Wylan at the mall*

Jesper: *Goes up to the office* Excuse me, I lost my friend. Can I make an annoucement?

Mall guy: Yes, of course.

Jesper: *Leaning into the mic* Goodbye you smug b*stard.

-

Nina: Want to play a game?

Inej: Uh... sure...

Nina: It's called "Guns or Wylan". I give you actual quotes I've Jesper heard say, and you guess if he's talking to his guns or his boyfriend.

Inej:

Inej: Awesome.

-

Nina: I'm too cute for 90% of the crap I go through.

Wylan: How much dirt do you have to throw in the ocean to make a new country?

Kaz: I'm sorry, you must be a least a Level 8 friend to unlock my tragic backstory.

-

Kaz: I am a smart and intelligent leader.

Inej: Your hand is stuck in a vending machine.

Kaz: I PAID FOR THOSE SKITTLES. I'M GETTING THOSE SKITTLES.

-

Anyone: Is there anything you think about other than yourself?

Kaz: Yes. Money.

-

Kaz: So how are we looking?

Nina: Badass. But not like we're trying too hard. Like sure, we're trying, but it's almost effortless.

-

Nina: Don't even get me started.

Inej: Okay.

Nina: Thanks.

-

Jesper: If I die my funeral's gonna be the biggest heckin party and you're all invited.

Inej: If

Matthias: Great, the only party I've ever been invited to, and he might not even die.

-

Nina: You can't spell "stupid" without u.

Matthias: WELL THERE'S AN "I" IN STUPID TOO!

Nina:

Matthias: Wait.

-

Kaz: *Teaching math* Have you ever seen a pregnant bird?

Wylan: No?

Kaz: *Slams hands on the table* THAT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST

Wylan: WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MATH??

-

Wylan: I did something terrible.

Kaz: It's okay, I have a shovel.

Wylan: Wait, what? Wait, what do you think I did?

Kaz: It doesn't matter! No one will ever know!

-

Jesper: Sometimes, people would say "What do you think you're doing?" But that just meant "Stop." They didn't actually want to know my thought process.

Kaz: If people would just stop constantly betraying me it would cut the amount of time I have to spend on revenge in half.

Inej: I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good. So I simply... did myself.

-

Nina: I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.

Inej: You're 17.

Nina: I might die at 34.

-

Kaz: We need to get through this locked door. Wylan, give me your credit card.

Wylan: Here.

Kaz, pocketing it: Thanks. Matthias, kick down that door.

-

Jesper: Must be hard not being able to laugh.

Matthias: I do have a sense of humor, you know.

Jesper: I've never heard you laugh before.

Matthias: I've never heard you say anything funny.

-

Wylan: *Sneaks in wearing a huge coat*

Kaz: What's with the coat?

Wylan's coat: Meow

Wylan: Drugs.

-

Inej: What happened?

Jesper: Well, remember how you told us not to burn down the hideout?

Inej: You burned down the hideout?!

Jesper: No! We had the fire out almost immediately! This is a success story!

-

Inej: What's the hardest thing to say?

Matthias: I was wrong.

Kaz: I need help.

Nina: I'm sorry.

Jesper: Worcestershire sauce.

-

Inej: *Walks in, wearing all black*

Jesper: *Joking* Whose funeral is it?

Inej, looking around: Haven't decided yet.

-

Jesper: *Reading the newspaper* These rumors flying around are crazy.

Inej: *Also reading the newspaper* Kaz, you never told me you had a secret mountain hideaway.

Kaz: I was going to surprise you.

-

Someone: How do you sleep at night?

Inej: Very well, thank you.

Jesper: Alone.

Wylan: How should I know? I'm asleep.

Kaz: Like I never committed all the murders.

Nina: With my eyes open.

Matthias: Paranoid and cautious.

-

Matthias: Only one more week I have to be around you idiots.

Jesper: What are you talking about? You love it here!

Matthias: I'm not sure I do. I think I just developed stockholm syndrome.

-

Nina: You and me, we're held together by a force stronger than true love.

Matthias: Which is?

Nina: We both need to have the last word.

-

Kaz: I can't seem to reach Matthias.

Inej: Hold on, I'll call.

Kaz: Nina and I both tried calling six times, what makes you think—

Matthias: Hello?

-

Wylan: Do you know the password to my father's computer?

Servant: *Tied up in a chair* Fuck you, Wylan.

Wylan: Unnecessarily rude.

Servant: No, you misunderstood. The password is "fuckyouwylan".

Wylan: *Typing* No numbers? That's not very safe.

-

Big Bollinger: I thought we were on the same side here!

Kaz: We are, but you get on my nerves. And I don't like your hat.

-

Kaz: Personally, I don't believe in the saints.

*A painting falls off the wall*

Inej: I love it when they do that.

-

Barista: I've got a latte for "Grisha spy"?

Everyone: *Eyes each other suspiciously*

Barista-posing druskelle agent, throwing down badge in defeat: Dammit I thought for sure that would work.

-

Kaz: Congratulations! You just won a lifetime supply of tangerines.

Big Bollinger: This is a single tangerine.

Kaz, pulling out a gun: Yes.

-

Kaz, being held at gunpoint: If I die, please give Inej my regards.

Gun holder: What should I tell her?

Kaz: Regards.

-

Nina, as a child: I can't wait until I'm an adult and I can stay up late every night.

Nina, as an adult, crawling into bed at 6:30 pm: Oh thank god.

-

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Inej: What are you doing?

Mugger: I'm mugging you!

Inej: With that stance?

Mugger: Wha- what are you talking about? Just give me your money!

Inej: With a more stance, you are easily unbalanced and you can be easily knocked over.

-

*Playing dnd*

Wylan: I seduce the dragon.

Inej: Joke's on you, the dragon's a lesbian.

Nina: Then I seduce the dragon.

-

Jesper: This is my home and I'm going to defend it.

Inej: Really? And how do you plan to do that?

Jesper: *Holds up a box* With this.

Inej: You're going to hit them with a box?

Jesper: No. This is a gun. *Opens box*

Inej: *Takes out a letter*: Dear Jesper, I used the parts of your gun to fix the furnace. Will return them soon. Wylan.

Jesper: I will kill him.

Inej: With what?

-

And here are a few more incorrect quotes based on original templates I made up:

-

*In jail*

Kaz: *Has been telling increasingly ludicrous stories for hours*...so there I was, surrounded by over a hundred ninjas, with nothing but a paper cup and a gatorade to defend myself.

Inej: *Facepalming* Oh lord...

Jesper: *Enthralled* So then what happened?

Kaz: They kicked my ass and threw me in the trunk of a car. How the hell did you think I got here?

-

Nina: Matthias makes me want to be gay.

Inej: But he's already the gender opposite you.

Nina: Yes.

-

Inej: So according to this newspaper bisexuals do not exist.

Jesper: Huh.

*Later*

Police: *Sirens blaring* Sir put down the tuba and put your hands above your head.

Jesper: YOU CAN'T ARREST ME I'M BISEXUAL

Police: Sir, please.

-

Wylan: Proper grammar is for nerds.

Jesper: And yet you said that with perfect spelling, capitalization, and punctuation.

Wylan: I am a nerd.

-

Inej, about Nina and Matthias: They have a complex relationship.

Nina: "Complete hatred" isn't that complex.

-

And now some unoriginal one-liners:

Kaz: You keep bringing up this "illegal" things as if it's supposed to matter to me.

Nina: I'm giving you the silent treatment by the way. That's why I walked right by you and didn't respond.

Jesper: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.

Kaz: I was expecting a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.

Kaz: Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate

Van Eck: Every parent wants to see their child do well, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that watching my loser son fail at everything he tries has been pretty enetertaining.

Nina: You know what? Water solves all problems. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Want clear skin? Drink water. Tired of your man? Drown him.

Wylan: Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it badly enough.

Kaz: The first step to any murder is to have fun and be yourself.