BIG trigger warning here, IF you are sensitive to v*mit, drinking alcohol, and social gatherings, possible mention of drugs, also awkward mentions of S*x, peer preasure... you should turn away now.

I went to my first proper party as a legal adult (if you do not know i live in New Zealand which at the time of me going there only had isolated cases in the quarantine hotels if that).

My friend was celebrating her 18th and her full intentions were to get absolutely wasted. Usually that's the case in NZ for an 18th (and 21st's apparently, I've been told I'm not avoiding getting wasted when it turn 21... yay ;-;)

i got ready at my friends place since i had to drive 45 minutes to get there to get ready since i had JUST finished getting my hair dyed so with that I obviously still had some remnant dye on my forehead so makeup was an important must, my friend she has A boyfriend, we gossiped and all the stereotypical jazz (hands- any way!) found out that she and her bf had gotten 'very close ;) ;)'

Apparently she was surprised by the fact i didn't react with disgust when she admitted to the fact her and her bf being that close. (TAKE NOTE OF THIS) i told her i was thinking about whether i might be Demisexual (i do not know this for certain)

We go to the party, my friend who's hosting it has already had i think four bottles and is not planning on stopping, another friend has had two and has an obvious buzz going on, and one person is already completely wasted since it was his. First time getting drunk (chugged i think 7 bottles in the span of 30 minute without food or water= NOT GOOD AT ALL do not do this i swear to god-)

Big disclosure this entire night I was planning on not drinking anything alcoholic since i have a eating disorder. Which makes me anxious about the thought of addiction to foods or drinks as a stress reliever since its a binge eating disorder. I don't want to end up like my dad-

For anyone who don't know the type of person i am, I don't like going to parties. I am awkward to talk to, get protective of my friends and am filled with self conscious doubt about wether i am actually going to be fine staying the night there or not, I like sitting in my room eating chips while either watching YouTube, writing or reading something too romantic fluffy or ansgty that its suffocating... so being in a back yard filled with people with the mindset of -this is An excuse to drink- is a very foreign experience (as i said first party i had ever gone to)

my friend- Izzy who has had two drinks and has a slight buzz spent the most time with me, keeping me company while Ashlee the birthday gorl for the day were dancing to most likely WAP. (Most likely Zoe's idea) i talked to Izzy a little and she admitted that she felt bad sometimes that whenever they talked 'dirty ;) ;)' i would get awkward and uncomfortable apparently look at my nails and mess around with my phone and phone case. I wouldn't talk or say anything when they did those sorts of discussions. (This is weirdly true and i don't know what to say..) i reassured that if they say anything that makes me uncomfortable I WILL tell them. Being honest is very important, this is from a person who's currently questioning.

Zoe who i went there with but in seperate cars has had one drink— she's a light weight- she's already buzzed. the boys are doing a weird game of rugby and i feel bad for Zoe's boyfriend and his friend since they both don't really do sports, i have had two cokes both no sugar and have been watching people confuse the absolutely living daylights out of the completely drunk guy in the rugby game. Zoe has tried to convince me to have one alcoholic drink, i refused, Zoe tried to get Ashlee to get me to have a drink, again. I refuse and take a sip of my non-alcoholic drink.

few hours go by so its like- 8:30 food has been given out and the rugby games stopped now people are focusing on jut interacting, dancing and me staying by a post while also keeping an eye on people to make sure everyone is ok. The first time drinker has sobered up a decent amount but not enough to be said he's 'sober' . Zoe is intoxicated and Ashlee is definitely not far away.

It's dark so around 9 o'clock- 9:30, someone brings out marshmallows while another light a small fire.. roasting mallows -food non alcoholic! Sounds great! Other people have set up beer pong and this is a big turning point for EVERYONE! Whoever plays gets WASTED!

Zoe's roasting marshmallows with me for a little bit while Izzy is off doing her own thing, another is most likely smoking marijuana. And one of the older questions why I'm not drinking anything other than fizzies, i explained i was not planning on getting drunk and i don't want to drink any alcohol for personal reasons and he respects that, he gets a lemonade, the can unopened- DON'T accept drinks that are open already they could spike your drinks with drugs or add alcohol. This is the same for leaving drinks unattended, if i needed to go somewhere I'd get Izzy to look after it or bring it with me.

Zoe and her boyfriend leave around 11:30 she's obviously going to have a bad headache the next day- Ashlee asked for someone sober to help her to the bathroom- i obliged- and she admitted to the fact she thought i hated her at first- i did not.- i was just intimidated by her, she's strong powerful, kind and loud. Everything i normally am not in person-except kind i hope. Also admitting to the fact she hated making me uncomfortable when they have ';) ;) conversations' (THIRD TIME THIS BEING MENTIONED!!, WTF!?!)

I told her the same thing as i told Izzy... slightly dumbed down since she is drunk, treat a drunk person like toddler— that's what I've learned from this entire thing. XD

I'm chilling in front of the fire drinking fizzy again- i got this one myself, then i hear a one sided convo between two obviously drunk girls, I haven't met these two until that day, one was showing big signs of either rest or should be eating and drink water. That person ended up throwing up and i looked after her, getting her some food and a glass of water which was "really fucking good" eating was a more difficult thing to convince tho, in the end i managed to get her to lay down in the car her and her friend were sleeping in for the night and i check up on her regularly, every 30 minutes without fail. Until i left at 1 in the morning.

Ashlee admitted on multiple occasions to someone that she really liked him with him being there since she really couldn't tell the difference and many people took Jell-O shots in celebration- i did not.

I went home passed out at 2:15 woke up at 6 and started my day Zoe said she had a crazy headache and Ashlee does not remember anything involving last night...

I think its a good thing to be fair.

Would i go to one again? Not really. Do i find it weird how three of my friends have pointed out my discomfort with S*xual conversation? Yes, yes i do.

Am I dreading my 21? Fuck yes i am!

Moral of the story?
Don't accept open drinks from strangers never leave your drink unattended without a person you trust to look after it, help people when they show signs of needing it, Zoe's a light weight, I'm the only friend questioning their sexuality and never i mean NEVER allow someone to change your mind on a decision you have made especially when it come to drinking or being sober. i remember the entire night, Ashlee who the party was for doesn't remember any of it.

Good. Night/day /morning!
Apple~ ^-^