This is my story! And a thanks to the people who made my life better!

There's gonna be some of me being depressed in here so be warned.

This is basically just a summary of my time throughout the year.

So... Another year has come and gone... Another decade too.

Not gonna lie, it's been a pretty shitty year. But it's also been one of the best.

I joined the waffles, made do many friends there, found so much love and support there. I swear to you, I would be bleeding out on the floor with a bullet in my head if it weren't for them.

But I'm not! So it's okay!

I lost all of my friends. They had been drifting away for a while... They didn't really talk to me, nor did they do anything with me... But I guess I kinda made new friends out of old friends. My friend group from 3rd grade happened to be the same friend group that my love was a part of. So I started talking to them again.

But this is all recently that it started to get better... Before that was hell...

I don't want your pity. I don't want you to feel any different about me.

I just want you to know my story.

I didn't even know what was happening, to be honest. All I knew is that I hated myself, I was alone, my brain was working weirdly.

My first panic attack was in the middle of class. Over worms. (I'm a fuckin weeb, I know) Stupid little me over here couldn't not imagine the little worms inside of my body, crawling around on my skin (I might cry just thinking about it). Next thing I know, we're crying and we can't breathe, it's fun. Nobody noticed of course, why would anybody even be looking towards me?

But I told myself I was fine.

I first cut behind the locked door of my bathroom, crying for no reason. I don't remember what was wrong, but I hated myself so much, and just wanted to distract myself from the emotions. So I took out a razor...

I remember that I got a good twenty cuts in after a few weeks. But then I had to stop because I had to go on vacation, and that involved wearing a swimsuit, and that involved showing my cut up thigh.

So I forced myself to stop, the scars tanned over and my skin looked better, and I was okay for a little while.

And then I started to lose my friends. I started obsessing over someone I thought I couldn't have (we're together now, and it's not your fault) and all the emotions caught up to me. I decided to cut them out, but in a less likely to be seen place. So I started to cut just below my pant line, and it works well. Not going to lie, I still hurt myself sometimes. I still hate myself sometimes. But I promise I'm getting better.

I'm going to be okay.

I'm also struggling with my sexuality. I mean, I've always known that I wasn't straight, but I'm having a hard time finding a label for myself. I feel the need to label myself as something, that I need to do that to fit in.

But I'm not sure...

I'm going to tell you a very depressing story.

I didn't attempt suicide per say. But I contemplated it. I wanted it.

A little while ago, while my parents were out of the house, I went in to their room and pulled out my father's gun.

Now, I'm a nerd and know about how to load the gun and put a bullet in the chamber and stuff.

So I unholstered the gun and I loaded it. I took the safety off and pressed the barrel to my head. It would've been so easy to just pull the trigger. So damn easy. But I didn't. I jnloaded the gun and put it back away, leaving the room.

I don't know if I regret putting that gun down or not.

So yeah...

And more mental shit! Halleujah!

I think I have ADD or ADHD or something as well

I can't focus. I can't sit still. I have random energy spikes. Want to work and random times before suddenly becoming lazy again. Have to be moving to have any ration thought.

I dunno... My mom won't take me to get tested though, so we screwed.

I also deal with self diagnosed Bipolar I

Again, mum won't let me get tested.

I have a lot of bouts of mania or manic depression.

So, I call them happy attacks. It feels a lot like you're having a panic attack, but you're more in control? I don't even know.

When you have manic depression, you feel really high and really low at the same time, and it sucks cuz you can't figure out your feelings through the chaos in your mind.

So... Like I said... 2019 was shitty as hell.

But it was also great!

wolfie394
I love you! So much! You make me really happy and glad to be alive. I wishy mother wasn't so overprotective and she would just let you stay over. We're both cowards but that's alright, it's alright. Four month really flew didn't it? It's been amazing and I don't regret anything.

_AlienSpider_
Jake! My father! You have been an amazing, supportive friend throughout the entire time I've known you! Maybe a bit problematic, but I still love you! You're amazing, wonderful, and very much a boy! Lovveth you. You got this, 30 days!

jackscompainion86
I may really only know you on my other account, but you're so sweet! You're funny, kind, and quite adorable if I do say so myself. You've helped me a lot without even realising it, and I thank you!

Kylie33009
My platonic soul mate! How I've missed you! You have done wonders for me and I thank you for being my best friend!

celtlanderqueen
A very good friend of mine! She and I have become each other's therapists. I will be your marriage counselor one day, Gwyne.

nilo_geni
You're not on Wattpad any more... But I love you, my potatoe! You've helped me through so much without realizing, you accepted me for me and have stayed with me for a while now. One day you'll find the one, promise

I love you a so much! I can't wait for the new year!

My literal only new years resolution:

Keep all y'all with me cuz I'll die if you leave

Have a wonderful year! Decade! Month!

I plan to stay with you through it