A/ N: Update 2/3
Please read chapter 23 first.

~~~~~~

Tae woke and groggily stared around wondering what had woken him. He groaned and tried to go back to sleep but his mind was already awake.

He turned over and looked at his alarm and saw it show 8:47 am Monday. It took a moment but it finally clicked.

He was extremely, extremely late!

His eyes widened and he catapulted out of bed.

"Fuck!" He cursed as he untangled himself from his sheets and hopped to free his legs.

He had barely slept last night. The happenings of last evening had him tossing and turning well into the night, finally falling into a fitful sleep when the faint morning light was already peaking through his curtains.

He ran to the bathroom to freshen up choosing to brush his teeth and washing his face instead of a full shower. He stared at himself in the mirror, the evidence of his rough night was obvious in his puffy face and ragged eyes. He quickly streaked his wet hands through his bed hair to try to tame the wild messy curls.

He had stopped setting the alarm since Jungkook had moved in. The beef bunny was always up at the ass crack of dawn working out and Taehyung usually woke, either irritated to his loud music or hard to his grunts and groans as he lifted. He blamed the later on morning wood of course.

He skipped to living room stopping dead in his tracks when he saw his favourite cereal boxes on the kitchen island along with his bowl and spoon.

Had Jungkook come home last night without him realising it? He wondered as he briskly walked to the younger's room, all thoughts of being late completely wiped from his mind. He hesitated at the door listening for any indication that he was here and when he didn't hear anything he knocked and politely waited all of two seconds before opening the door.

The whiff of Jungkook's familiar scent hit him and he remembered how it felt to be close to him again, last evening before he managed to ruin everything anyway. He looked around the slightly messy yet welcoming space that was Jungkook's room. The small of pile of used clothes on the chair in the corner, the discarded socks next to the bed, the books strewn on the table, the colourful posters on the wall, the mood lamp on the bedside table, the picture frames, everything was just so him. It sparked a yearning inside his heart.

His own room was pristine of course, but had no sign of life apart from his wall of pictures which had technically been Jimin's idea. "Just something to remind you that you are not alone, Taehyungie." He had said when he had surprised him with it on his birthday.

This room was the exact opposite of his. It had personality, it was someone's home not just a space.

The yearning intensified.

Would he ever be able to put down roots? Build a home? Find love?

Jin's words for last night, came back to him in a rush.

Let him love you.

Jungkook.

This could be theirs. They could build together. Unlike him, Jungkook knew how.

He gulped.

It was everything he wanted and yet it scared the shit out of him.

What if it doesn't work out?

What if everyone finds out that he's with a guy? His team, his friends, his company, Halmeoni. What would they say about him?

What if, suddenly one day, he realised that he was simply curious and wanted to go back to being straight instead? What if Jungkook did?

He didn't know which one was worse.

His phone buzzed and he checked the screen to see the reminder for the counselling session scheduled for 10:00 am this morning.

He realised that he had kind of cleaned Jungkook's room while his thoughts had run rampant. He had straightened the books, tucked in the corners of his bedsheets and put all the dirty laundry in the laundry basket. 

Well, too late to undo it now, he'd just have to figure out how to explain invading his privacy.

He rushed out of the apartment and drove straight to the clinic, arriving 45 minutes late to their session. He sprinted through the reception area and straight into the doctor's office.

Jungkook was already sitting on the couch and scribbling in his diary. He looked up when Tae walked in, quickly looking away when he realised who it was.

"Sorry, I am late." Tae said, sitting down next to Jungkook who moved away slightly. He was sure he wasn't meant to notice but he did. He did notice and it pricked. It was his own fault as usual, no one else to blame here but himself.

"Mr. Kim, may I remind you that this is a court mandated procedure and that you are expected to attend all of your sessions in full?" Dr. Osborne said sternly.

"I really am sorry, Doc. I overslept." Taehyung said, walking over to retrieve his diary.

He sat back down and read the last entry. It was from fifteen days ago.

Frustrated, he had written.

'You make me feel frustrated. I never know what to do with you.'

Had that changed in the past fortnight? Not really. But he did feel a lot more this time, A lot more, that he wanted to say.

But words evaded him. Again.

He stared at the blank space for a few moments, the light scratching of Jungkook's pen and his soft breathing the only sound in the room.

He took in a deep breath. Yet.... Nothing.

This is stupid, he huffed impatiently and closed the diary. Jungkook did the same beside him.

Dr. Osborne looked up from his file. "Are you done, Jungkook?" He asked kindly and Jungkook nodded.

"You think about what we spoke earlier, it wouldn't hurt to try, would it?" Doctor asked.

Taehyung frowned in confusion. What had they spoken about exactly?

Jungkook gave a strained smile. "I will try, I promise. Thank you, Nate." Jungkook said standing up.

Tae scrambled up to his feet too. "Guess we will see you in two weeks then. I am really sorry, I missed most of this session and I swear it won't happen again."

"Mr. Kim I'm afraid I can't let you leave just yet. You haven't written a single word in your diary." The doctor frowned at him. "Jungkook, you are free to leave."

"What? Isn't this supposed to be couple's therapy?" Tae glared at him.

"It is. But you missed that. Now I need to speak with you alone because Jungkook was here on time." The doctor answered calmly.

"You! Don't you need a ride home?" Taehyung asked Jungkook rudely, hoping he would save him from this.

Jungkook wouldn't meet his eyes. "I'm not going home just yet."

Right, the date. Taehyung's temper flared. He glared at Jungkook angrily and then turned to the doctor. Hell, if he would let that happen without a fight.

"Tell me, Dr. Osborne, is it okay for us to be seeing other people during this period?" Taehyung asked, he watched Jungkook's head snap to him, eyes wide.

"Usually no, I would advise against it." Dr. Osborne replied calmly.

Taehyung grinned triumphantly, looked at Jungkook and shrugged "Guess you'd be needing that ride home then huh?"

"However" The doctor interrupted him. "As you have insisted over and over again in your previous session, you are all set for divorce, since you are straight and there's no hope of saving your marriage, I don't think that Jungkook seeing other people would be an issue for you. Am I right?"

"Uhm.. what? No, why would it be an issue for me? I just wanted to make sure there wouldn't be an issue for him you know like maybe he isn't putting in enough effort or something." Tae shrugged awkwardly.

"Is it really him not putting in the effort, Mr. Kim?"

Taehyung stared at him dumbfounded. What exactly had Jungkook said?

"I need to go." Jungkook said in a quiet voice.

"You'll be home for dinner right? I was planning on ordering some takeout. Thai maybe?" Taehyung asked, regretting the little desperation that had seeped into his tone.

"I'm not sure. I might.. umm.. crash at J-Jin Hyung's tonight, maybe help him pack." Jungkook answered.

"Oh? Aren't you supposed to be staying with me?" Taehyung knew he was pulling at loose straws in the air but what other options did he have left? He couldn't let Jungkook spend the night with Mingyu. He would rather die. He didn't want to look closely at the whys just now but he knew that he couldn't let it happen. "I mean we are required to be living together, aren't we?"

Jungkook looked at the doctor who was pretending to ignore the conversation.

"That's not under my purview and you might have to check with your lawyer but as long as you're not going to hold it against each other during the trail, a day or two apart shouldn't matter. Again, you need to speak to your lawyer." The doctor advised. "And Mr. Kim, I really think we shouldn't waste any more time and get on with our session, yes?"

Taehyung sat down and reluctantly watched the younger leave.

"Should we address the fact that you're actively trying to hold him back from his date today?" Dr. Osborne looked at Taehyung from the top of his glasses.

Taehung sighed. "I don't know why I did it, okay? I don't want to go digging for answers either. I just don't like the guy he's seeing. They apparently have been dating each other on and off for the past year and I don't think he's good enough for Jeon."

"And who do you think is good enough for him?"

"I don't know. Just not him." Tae answered stubbornly. "And I just want to write in this stupid diary and go to class please."

"Go on then, write."

Taehyung snapped the book open and stared at the page again. He gave up after a few minutes, groaning in irritation.

"I don't know what to write." He moaned.

"Want me to help?" The doctor enquired quietly.

"Duh?"

"He isn't here Mr. Kim. So if you could say something, anything in the world to him right now, what would it be?" Dr. Osborne prompted.

Tae shrugged.

"Isn't there anything at all?"

"I don't know, I would apologise, I guess?" Taehyung tried.

"Whatever for Mr. Kim?" The doctor smiled.

"For always being a dick to him, for starters." Tae said wistfully. "Every one thinks I am an asshole and maybe I am, but I don't like the look on his face when my mouth runs away with words I don't mean to say."  Tae swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Then maybe start with a simple 'sorry'? And list the things you feel sorry for."

"Okay." Taehyung agreed, looking down at the blank page again.

I am sorry, Jeon.

I am sorry for being a dick to you but it's kind of my natural state at times so I can't help it.

He stopped.
There, he had done it. He had written  something. Should be good enough for this session, he thought clicking his pen.

However, his fingers seemed to have a mind of their own as they flew across the page once again. He was overwhelmed with how many things came to mind as he started listing them down.

I am sorry for always saying things I don't mean even when I know they would hurt you.

I am sorry for calling you a fag when I didn't even know you.

I am sorry for not being more understanding, especially, when I am the older one and should be more responsible.

I am sorry for accusing you of something I knew you hadn't done. I am ashamed I put you through that situation at all.

I am sorry that you're stuck with me, I know how difficult I can be.

I am sorry I can't make you laugh even though it has become an addicting sound for me and I crave it with every fibre of my being.

I am sorry for not being able to admit what I truly feel, not even to myself. Coz if I did, then what would it make me?

I am sorry I am weak. 

But, I am most sorry for hurting you.

Please forgive me, Jungkook. I'm sorry, I don't deserve you but I am not so sure that I can let you go anymore.

I'm sorry that I'm scared to keep you and more scared to lose you.

Tae stopped when a wet spot blurred the ink on the page as well as the surroundings. He touched his face and was surprised at the wetness he found there.

"Is something the matter Mr. Kim?"

"I-I" Taehyung sniffed as he shuffled to his feet. "I have to go."

"It's okay if you want to talk, Mr. Kim. I'm willing to help you with more one on one sessions if you need me." He urged.

Tae nodded mutely, storing away his diary in the drawer and hurrying out of the clinic. His chest felt like it was constricting and he could barely breathe.

He tried to draw another breath but it hitched in his throat. He dragged himself into the car taking shallow sharp breaths, until his heart rate went down again. He couldn't remember the last time he had cried. Probably not since the death of his parents and that is why the tears had scared the shit out of him.

He drove down to campus and parked his car in the lot and trudged the rest of the way to his locker to grab his books and headed to class.

Jungkook was probably already on his lunch date. The thought further soured his bad mood.

He sat through the classes as hours dragged on and his mind swirled around, coming up with scenarios of the two of them having lunch, of them laughing and flirting, of the lunch extending into a walk and then a coffee maybe a movie and ultimately moving to Mingyu's house, wherever that was. When the images started morphing into the more intimate territory, he lost it.

He texted Jimin but he already knew his best friend was at a french ballet convention in Long Island.

Kim Taehyung:
I am losing my mind.
Heading to the bar.
When do you get back?

Jiminie :
Hey! What's wrong?
Was the shrink too shrinky?
I'm going to come back tomorrow.
This place is awesome Taehyungie.

Taehyung :
Yeah, he shrunk my brain.
Anyway, enjoy yourself.
I will see you tomorrow.

Jiminie:
Okay. You too bud!
Be careful and take a cab if you drink.

Taehyung turned off the phone and decided to take a drive instead. It was only 5:00 pm and he didn't want to drink alone during the day. Couldn't get more pathetic than that.

He drove around mindlessly, circling around NYU and the nearby areas. If he thought day drinking alone was pathetic what would he call driving around like a fool hoping to to catch a glimpse of the boy who had occupied his mind all day, driving him to the point of insanity.

Had they headed home already? Did they hold hands? Do guys hold hands on dates? He didn't know, he had never dated a guy and he hadn't particularly paid attention to what queer men did on dates.

Had he kissed him?

Fuck! What if he had?

Disgust and pain rolled through him. Why was it bothering him so much? He shouldn't care, he really shouldn't. But he did and it was fucking painful.

He drove around for a while longer before giving up and heading into a random bar.

Nothing like two shots of whiskey to curb his overactive imagination. He was going to get shit faced drunk and pass out so that he didn't go chasing after his husband who probably had his tongue down another man's throat if not on his dick.

"Whiskey, large, neat" he choked out. Two wouldn't be enough to wash away the HD graphics his mind had conjured up to torture itself. He'd need the whole bottle.

He gulped it down before ordering another.

What was happening to him?

~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook walked into their apartment after the counselling session. He needed a shower and a change of clothes. He was glad Mondays were slow for him, barely a class today, he mostly used Mondays for practice but he wasn't feeling too active today. The session had drained him. Though he had poured his soul out in his diary, it still made his heart feel heavy.

He saw the cereal boxes still sitting untouched on the kitchen counter and wondered if Tae hadn't come home last night. Had he chosen to spend the night with one of the string of girls who followed him around?

He shook his head, not going down that road.

He put them back in the place and headed to his room. He stopped abruptly when he saw the door open. He was sure he had closed it before he left. He walked in slowly and saw how neat it looked, though nothing was really out of place. He wondered what was different when he saw the empty chair by the large windows. It should be full of clothes. But it sat there clean and clear of all clutter. Now that he thought of it, his desk looked neat too. He walked to the laundry basket and sure enough, his clothes were in it.

The cleaners weren't due until Wednesday. Had Tae come in here and cleaned?

Why?

The guy was so weird at times. He didn't know whether to be offended or grateful.

He took a shower and started getting dressed for the lunch. He didn't want Mingyu to get the wrong idea but he also couldn't tell him why he was suddenly reluctant to go out. They had messed around and hung out far too many times for this to be anything other than a date and it would probably end exactly like it always did.. in bed.

But that wasn't what he wanted anymore. Also it would construe as cheating on Tae coz no matter what, they were truly married and Jeon Jungkook wasn't a cheater.

Was that what Tae was trying to indirectly say in the doctor's office?

He had been so weird, arriving late, arguing and then trying to get him to come home.

That more than anything was what was making him antsy about this date. Tae didn't want him to go.

Now that he thought about it, in the past one month that he had been living here, Tae hadn't gone out, Kate hadn't shown up again, neither had any other girls. He was home at 5:30 pm like clockwork everyday. Had that been a coincidence or a conscious thought?

From what little Jimin said about him before, Taehyung usually spent at least two to three nights a week with Kate. But he definitely hadn't in the past month. Maybe she broke up with him after what Jungkook had said to her but Taehyung had never been short of girls.

And here he was, about to go on a date. Of course Tae was being weird. Maybe he thought that he was being loyal and Jungkook wasn't.

Well, he was going to put it right.

He texted Mingyu that something had come up and apologised for cancelling last minute.

He should've never agreed to it in the first place.

He picked up his backpack deciding to attend his afternoon class and making a mental note to pickup ingredients for a Thai meal for dinner, he hoped to surprise Tae with it. He would mention in passing conversation that he had cancelled the date and everything would be fine.

At least he hoped it would be.

*********

A/n: Progress!!

Are you guys curious about what Jungkook has been writing in his diary?

I know I am.

Tell me what you think.