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𝙞𝙣 𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙘𝙝 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙚𝙝𝙮𝙪𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙟𝙚𝙤𝙣𝙜𝙜𝙪𝙠 𝙪𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙡𝙡.

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- 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝘀𝘁
- 𝗮 𝗹𝗼𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀
- 𝘄𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝗹𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗮𝘀𝗲
- 𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗯𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗸𝘂𝗽

[Not me switching between extreme angst and extreme fluff like this. DON'T MIND ME I WROTE THIS TO VENT. I'M SORRY IF ITS TOO MUCHJHHJEKHAE FORGIVE ME. Did I do this to make you cry? Maybe. Do I want you to cry? ABSOLUTELY NOT DONT CRY IM SORRY]

A little warning. A huge one actually. This is much, much heavier than my usual writing, so please, please, please  be mindful and proceed  at your own risk. There are LOTS of triggers, so do NOT go ahead if the following makes you uncomfortable. Drug abuse, self-harm, eating disorders, insomnia, severe depression, attempt to .. kill-self and other potentially triggering topics. I have published another oneshot along with this, so once again I am pleading you to read that one instead if any of these may trigger flashbacks, or may have an impact on your mental health at the moment.

In no way do I mean to put real-life idols in this story. The only thing in common are the names. It is purely based off of my imagination, and not  on them in the real world. There are absolutely no connections in between, so please proceed with that in mind.

Just a quick note. I know I have absolutely no  right to bring this up or even try, but if you  have managed to pull yourself out of a dark place today or any other day, I'm proud of you. Don't guilt yourself into believing you shouldn't do it for your loved ones; that is true indeed, but you should always try to heal for you.

I'm always here to talk.  I know I'm just a stranger on wattpad, someone you have absolutely no reason to trust. But if I can, in any way help you, tell me. Maybe that's the reason you can open up — The fact that you don't know me and whatever you tell me might just lighten that weight off of you. You are not alone in this world. It may seem like it, but you are not, you will never be. Somewhere out there, someone is waiting for you, so please do not leave. Beautiful things will come to you, you are here for a reason.

⋘ ──── ∗ ⋅◈⋅ ∗ ──── ⋙

⋘ ──── ∗ ⋅◈⋅ ∗ ──── ⋙

walk in silence

don't walk away, in silence

see the danger

always danger

fear death, they say. 

question it. revere it. hate it, if you must. 

death is a dangerous game. it leaves a permanent effect — regardless if its a loved one being veiled by its cold, bleak shadow or a stranger falling from a thirteen-story building; bloody and broken in front of you.

fear death, they say.

then why does taehyung crave it?

endless talking

life rebuilding

don't walk away

he's tired. 

tired of fighting. tired of trying, faking, lying, pretending and most of all — trying to stay strong.

there was a time when he wasn't like this, taehyung wonders sometimes. 

a time when his smiles came from heart, when there weren't scars running over his entire being — literally and figuratively. a time when days in his life didn't seem like they were stuck on loop, as if mocking his broken condition. a time when there wasn't morphine swimming in his veins, replacing the blood slowly. 

it was four years ago that taehyung surrendered to life's cruel games.

four years ago, taehyung broke; he broke into splinters, and he never quite healed.

walk in silence

don't turn away, in silence

your confusion

my illusion

it's pathetic. he's pathetic.

there's a difference between living and being alive. his heart beats and his body breathes, but he isn't living, not really. no, there's a difference and it's fucking huge. 

taehyung hates, and he hates, and he hates until he doesn't. people like him rely on chemical happiness but when you do, you're greedy. and people aren't supposed to be greedy. he hates himself for it.

he's dirty. 

taehyung's dirty, black and burned on the inside. he wonders if jeongguk would have stayed if he wasn't. he wonders if jeongguk would have stayed if he were someone else. because he would have done that — would have done anything to keep him. and when you can't let go of someone that doesn't want you, you're selfish. people aren't supposed to be selfish.

he's disgusting and pathetic and selfish, so selfish so he calls jeongguk in the end.

he only hears the voicemail tone.

worn like a mask of self-hate

confronts and then dies

his eyes fix on the ceiling. it swims in and out of his vision. darkness swathes him from everywhere — he refuses to succumb to it.

not here. not now. not when he can see what he used to when jeongguk was here. when their hearts were beating at the same time, when they were sweaty and tired but together. and at peace.

taehyung hates himself for thinking about him. he doesn't deserve to know him, much less think of him all the time, all the fucking time. 

the cuts are deeper than the human bloodstream and he's moist in his bed. covered in sweat and blood. his sheets are staining yellow, ugly yellow. you can wash yellow but you can't wash blood, and taehyung learns his lesson too late.

it's too late. maybe if jeongguk had stayed, it wouldn't be. but it is, and it is, and taehyung cries and screams and part of his shattered heart wishes it wasn't.

don't walk away

people like you find it easy

wine glasses lay shattered on the carpet.

this is the ending, maybe. 

the pills are in every colour. he lets them slip through his fingers, watching them strew across the floor. 

taehyung swallows pills dry. not because he doesn't have water, but there's an unknown need for it. for it to be raw. and he's messed up. he misses his innocence, his childhood. he misses when those he loved loved him. he misses when he wasn't a burden, a responsibility. and he misses jeongguk so fucking much.

n

aked to see

walking on air

taehyung thinks about jeongguk when he is sober, drunk and hungover. he thinks about jeongguk when he's high. and he thinks about jeongguk when his skin paints red, when he's curling under the covers and crossing streets, buying milk.

jeongguk used to teach taehyung how to skate on friday evenings and kiss him on rooftops, under bridges, on his bed with cigarette smoke in his mouth. he used to hold taehyung when he shook while tears of hatred and pain bled out of him and hush him as he sobbed into jeongguk's hold. 

jeongguk used to hold him until it was too much. and jeongguk broke too. taehyung shattered him, his shards slid into him and he left jeongguk bloody and scarred.

it was his fault.

he swings his legs over the roof and wonders if it's high enough. but he stops because he's wasting someone's time. the strangers who will see his broken form on the pavement. the medical officials who will have to carry his disgusting, rotting, scarred body away.

in the end, he decides against it.

he decides against it because, after all, he's a coward.

hunting by the rivers,

through the streets

every corner

jeongguk used to tell him that every moment was worth it but taehyung isn't worth it. he never was, he never will be.

taehyung wonders how long of jeongguk's life he wasted, and if he can afford to waste a few seconds more.

this time, jeongguk picks up.

"hello?" and just the crackle of his voice makes taehyung want to sob into the phone, because his voice gives him life.

"jeongguk," he forces out.

taehyung's voice is hoarse, breaking with every word and disgusting. like every part of him. it's ugly. maybe the ugliest part of him.

the line is silent and taehyung bleeds out a little, dies with every breath.

"jeongguk." his voice cracks. "i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i love you so much. so fucking much, did you know that? i know you don't want to hear from me but i would fucking die for you. did you know that? i would do anything because — because you're my everything. i fucking love you so much, and if dying is what i have to do to help you remember me. i'll do it. i'm selfish, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i forced you to watch me rot and, and disintegrate in front of you. i'm sorry i couldn't be better. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry —"

and by the end of it, he's breathing, choking, suffocating and crying all at the same time.

taehyung doesn't wait. he ends the call.

it's late. he doesn't know the time. he hasn't slept in a long, long time and he can't. he can't sleep. every time he tries, he stirs and shifts with unease prickling through him. he's scared. he can't give in to his nightmares again. he's tired of them. he's tired.

he hasn't eaten in days either. he can't remember and doesn't want to.

his eyelids ache, scratch with every blink. his eyes burn. is it with the tears that cannot spill anymore or from the need for sleep? he doesn't know. he can't tell.

he shivers, it's cold. it's so, so cold and every part of him feels like he's submerged in ice.

he can't breathe. it's suffocating. everything hurts, even the drugs that he injected into himself to bring comfort. they only bring more torment and agony.

minutes seem as though they are stretching into hours. 

jeongguk's voice plays like a broken record in his mind.

taehyung reaches out blindly. he's shaking, quivering on the cold, cold floor. his fingers close around the bottle of pills. finally. but it's empty. he gets up on trembling legs and stumbles into the kitchen. he finds a bottle of alcohol and he's desperate. terrifyingly desperate to keep away his thoughts, his sanity, every part of him as he downs it. swallows, gulps it down.

he smashes the bottle, tears of rage finally spilling. at what? what was he angry at? himself, for hurting jeongguk? himself for being him? taehyung screams.

blood beads out where the glass shards pierces his skin but he doesn't care. he drags himself into his room again, slides down against the floor and shivers. taehyung's eyes roll back into his head.

a slow death. 

a silent one.

he reaches out for his emergency stash. it'll be the last time he has an emergency, anyways. taehyung unscrews the lid with shaky hands. tears drip down his face and blur his sight. he shakes out twelve of them and holds them in his hand.

there's a sound in the distance.

taehyung swallows them three at a time. he grabs the bottle of wine again, drinks it with the red pills. fucking ironic.

a voice is calling out.

his eyes roll back into his head again and he shakes violently.

something is crashing.

taehyung is convulsing, sobbing as agony rips through him. he needs to throw up. he thinks he does. he can't tell; there's always something moist sheening his marred, broken body. blood, sweat, alcohol, and now vomit.

it's what he deserves.

a slow, agonizingly slow death locked in his room.

he's disgusting.

there's so much he regrets.

is there enough time to bring something sharp to his arm? he really did love seeing that terrible shade of red. especially on himself.

taehyung's insides stop turning. with all of his strength, he sucks in that last breath. hopefully the last one ever.

a face streaked with tears appears over his, silently screaming his name and reaching out.

he is too late.

taehyung blacks out.

abandoned too soon

set down with due care

there was taehyung and there was jeongguk until there was nothing at all.

don't walk away in silence

don't walk away

𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙀𝙣𝙙

song mentioned: atmosphere by joy division

A.N. just a short drabble and as i said, way heavier than my usual writing. i really hope it didn't affect anyone in the negative way.

hopefully the shit ton of metaphors made sense.

i do have ✨ideas✨ for a sequel, an epilogue or whatever you may call it.  if you want, i can do that one and apologize for this shit through that. maybe some slow healing and actual taekook in that.

thank you for reading and, as always, love all of you so so much. please take care of yourselves, and again, apologies for this unannounced dump of angst and traumatic shit.

oh and lemme know if you liked it, i've never tried this writing style.

P.S. Expect a shitload of fluff coming up in the next few updates. I've had a shit couple of months so this is me venting through the only way I know. Writing. Because emotionally constipated who.

loveyouyou'rehereforareason and don't let anyone tell you that you're not enough or ugly or worthless. you're beautiful and an incredible human regardless of what you may have been through or been told. i love you for who you are 💙 🖤