21. Hairy Talk

James' POV

I'm home and back in my bed at last.

It feels like it's been forever since I laid here, staring at the ceiling while drifting through my thoughts, but, in fact, it's only been 12 hours, maybe even less than that. And in that short period of time, I went to school, did nothing productive there besides doodle on the sides of my notebook and afterwards picked up my siblings from their school and drove them to the Spork, just like we had agreed the night before.

After a pee break, during our lunch, and an awkward encounter with our waitress, I ended up having the weirdest time with them.

I felt like something was up with them but I wasn't quite sure what it could be. I've had a different perception of these things thanks to my mental state.

When you get depressed you don't quite stop caring for others, especially not your family, but it's not the same as when you're sane. Emotions are felt and analysed differently, sometimes I didn't even know I was feeling something because there was a bigger, negative feeling that had poisoned my mind. It basically drains the life out of you and you don't feel up for anything...

Things have been weird for a while now, but there was something off about our lunch. I can't quite put my finger on it, though.

It wasn't the usual 'he's back to his normal-ish self' vibe but I might have misread it, I haven't been very good at reading those things lately. I've lost touch with my emotionally aware side and only brought it back to life recently, it's still on life support.

Speaking of life support, I should call Tessa. I have so little yet so much to tell her...

"Time to catch up," I whispered to the walls. I grabbed my cell from my nightstand and, after freezing for a few seconds to debate whether or not I should put it back down, I started the call.

It took two attempts and me nearly losing my faith and courage for the call to connect. When that happened I found myself hesitant, which has never happened before, not with Tessa anyways.

Her voice, as per usual, found a way to upset my line of thought and snap me back into reality.

"Sweetie, I can tell something is upsetting you. Wanna talk to me about it," she asks but then pauses, only to reply when I don't. "So I'm just going to keep hearing the sound of your breathing, then?

"I want to talk," I start more hesitantly than ever, "but I'm not sure I want to talk about it."

"It's alright, James, there's no pressure." How can someone be so understanding all the time? I don't get it, can someone really have it all together? I should probably take notes one day, learn to be whole. "I wanted to ask you something, what's he like? Hairy," she said immediately.

"What?! What the heck?!" Did she honestly just ask what I think she asked? How could she even gather up the courage to ask me or anyone something like that? Did I misjudge her?

"What? Is it that bad that I'm interested in your brother? Sorry..."

"My broth-what?" I'm baffled, puzzled, confused as hell right now, "hairy, wait... Harry? What?"

"Your brother...?" She hesitantly replied, though her answer was more like a question than an actual statement. "Harry called," she began to explain, "and so did Lauren but she sounded a bit more like a... she sounded less sweet than Harry, who was pretty sweet and nice, like you. So I kinda wanted to know more about him, but I totally understand if you don't think that it's ok and that I'm getting out of line."

"Wait, Harry and Lauren called you?!"

"Yeah..." She uttered, ever so slow and timidly.

"Oh, so that's why they were acting so weirdly!" Finally, I found a decent explanation for their behaviour. I wasn't sensing a non-existing vibe, it was real! I'm not broken, not as broken anymore at least! Scratch that, there are more important matters to be discussed. What did they do? Why and how did they do it? "They called today, right? It had to be today."

"They called earlier, roughly at lunch time. You don't have to worry, you know?" Know? Know what? That they betrayed me by going behind my back and potentially telling a stranger things that are better left private?

Deep breaths, deep breaths, buddy, breathe in, breathe out. In and out, in and out. According to the doctors, breathing can dramatically change your mood, when you stressed, depressed or obsessed deep breaths are usually the way to go.

"Tell me everything, what did you guys talk about? What did they say? Tessa, answer me." I said as my heart started beating faster and faster, sweat drops started to appear. Hyperventilation and panic were starting to settle in despite me not wanting them to.

"James, breathe. There's no need to get upset," she decided to point out. I beg to differ, the sole purpose of these calls is to be the only one who talks to her, that way nobody else hears about anything.

"Could you just answer the question?" I began to lose my cool, I can't freaking believe they did this.

I got up and started pacing around the room as she began to give her answer, her very unsatisfying, short and non-detail full answer. Tossing and turning my hair, from the left to the right. Occasionally grabbing it by the fist-full and pulling it slightly so I have something else to get myself distracted.

"They just called to say thank you," she said, sounding unsure of herself.

"That's it? I need details; you of all people should know the importance of details."

"They called out of the blue at lunchtime and asked me how long we've been talking for," what would that matter to them? I'm getting better now, they should just leave me to make progress on my own terms and stop interfering with my process. Plus, it's not like it's any of their business... "Then, for no reason, got in a hurry, asked to forget it and just thanked me for helping you."

"The-they thanked you, for helping me?" I opened and closed mouth after murmuring that question, I was... lost. Knowing their jokester personalities, well mostly Lauren, I thought they could ruin things for me but there's no freaking way that it could have been just those two little things. They were acting way too weirdly around me for it to have been that simple. I know Harry would probably act strangely if he was in on it too but Lauren? She's one of those girls with a slight bitchy vibe so I don't think she would, of the sudden, feel guilty and try to mask her little devious act.

"Yeah, they did. It was pretty sweet actually, they sound nice. Especially Harry, hence my question on what he is like?" Oh, so the 'hairy' I heard was actually a 'Harry'. Ugh, that makes so much more sense...

"That-that makes a bit more sense but are you sure that was it?" Calm yourself down, there is nothing to worry about. They would never betray your trust, neither of them. Yet, they did call Tessa and most likely used my mobile to do so, without my consent, so that's extremely contradicting and confusing. But they must be on my side, though, right? At the end of the day I am their brother so they should be on my side... so are they?

"James? Sweetie, don't shut down on me," she requests with a mellow tone. "You know this has happened before, back when you were on that field trip of yours. It's ok to be angry but it has to be healthy anger. Otherwise, it might hurt you or others..."

The field trip, that godforsaken event that tormented me for weeks... Why did she have to bring it up? I want it buried, I was in a good place then. Well, I'm not in a very good place now but I certainly am better. I probably overreacted and let the demons win that fight but I'm trying to look past all those things.

That really took its toll on me, I didn't know how to react or what to do about it so my mum sent me to a professional therapist for a few weeks, it was what she could afford and she didn't think some teenager with zero training could do the job. She's wrong about that, though, Tessa has some training, a few seminars of it plus a couple of hours of practice with a specialist.

The therapy helped but it didn't feel the same, it was like an extremely unwanted clean-slate and that meant I had to go through everything again. It's not just words that come out of my mouth when I repeat the stories, all the memories come rushing back and are played over and over again in my mind and seem to take hours, days, sometimes even weeks until they leave. They only leave for a short amount of time, though, since there is always some else who what to intrude and try to pull all the right strings until I snap.

It may be out of kindness, it may be out of hate but, either way, it is going to make me relive only the worse, most painful events of my life and that playback isn't just a one-time thing, it will go on and on. My brain will then create scenarios where the is something I could have done to prevent said event from happening or that, somehow, I start convincing myself that it's all my fault. Those thoughts make me feel heavy, reality gets blurry and, at every turn, all I feel is pain, guilt, an indescribable feeling that wears me down at every waking moment and leave me to break down, helpless and alone. Yet again...

The world of a depressed teenager is a very complex and never before told thing, there aren't words that fit of the grandness of the problems we face and the helplessness we constantly feel. We slowly sink, we slowly but surely die a little by every breath we take, alone in cold and unexplored depth of our consciousness.

It's a dark place and until the traditional tunnel, it doesn't have a light at the end of it. It's simply a cold pit...

"I know it's lonely, I know it-that your mind is a dark place..." I hear her say, "but you can get through this. You've come too far to give up, you are right, about all those things but you shouldn't give up or give in. You're stronger than that, James. I believe in you."

I believe in you.

Those words sound so familiar to me. She used to say them and so did and does my mum. They were usually used in situations where I am either losing or I have lost hope, situations that totally alter my state of mind and make me start malfunctioning like a computer with malware. I hold those four little words very dearly, they're so precious to me that only a hand-full of people can blurt them out to me, if that.

Luckily, Tessa made the cut. She had to make the cut or else... Or else I would have probably lost the war and not just some battles.

"Uhm... I-I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything, it's ok not to." She explained, "you don't have to talk if you don't want to. It's ok, James, it is."

"T-thanks, Tessa, thank you."

"Anytime, sweetie." We both went quiet, unsure as to what to say. Before I was deep into my thoughts again, she broke the silence. "You should try getting some sleep, it's late already.",

"Shouldn't you go to sleep as well?" I asked ever so slightly.

"Yeah, I guess so. Goodnight, James."

"Goodnight, Tessa."

{AN}

Woohoo! I've finally finished this hellish chapter! To be honest I actually started writing chapter 22 so I didn't stop completely just because this chapter was being a massive ordeal and a pain in my butt.

I hope you enjoyed it and please give me some love by voting and leaving your opinion in the comments!