18. The Miracle Programme

Tessa's POV

10 days and counting. Ten whole days without even a word from him, not even an 'I'm ok' text... Those don't even take five seconds to type so why have I not gotten one yet? I can't keep thinking he's dead or about to die, it's not right but fear the worst for an endless period of time because you neglected to tell me where you were going.

It's time for bed again, but I find myself staring out the window from my nook, wondering where you are and how you've been. If there still even is an answer to those questions, if it's not too late already.

It doesn't make sense to me why you are MIA, it's stupid and erratic and maybe even idiotic. Yeah, it has to be just that or else what could it be? There's no other explanation rather than an unexpected trip to his grandmother's house that happens to live in a part of the country without cell reception or Internet access.

If only that was the case...

I just want you to be ok, safe and sound in the comfort of your home surrounded by your loved ones. Daydreaming about how she would have that moment even better, maybe even perfect. Wouldn't being ok be nice? 

"I hope you're going well, James, stay safe," I said to the middle of the night before closing my blinds and forcing myself to get under the sheets and trying to get some much-needed sleep.

After around an hour and half of tossing and turning my brain finally starts to shut it off and my eyes closing themselves for good. That was when I drifted off to the land of dreams and finally relaxed, something I had never done during this past week and a half.

Sadly, my sleep didn't last long.

"3:02AM," my alarm said. I had been rudely woken by a speeding car's screeching tires, it's probably someone showing themselves off. God damn those stupid high schooler kids who only brag and not have the least bit of common sense. Why don't they have any, you ask? Well, isn't it obvious? Looking cool and being all swag is better than being genuine, smart and polite.

I was then followed by another half an hour of moving around my bed and finding every position uncomfortable.

Sleeping on my right side with an arm under my pillow and the other one embracing the blanket around my body? Nope, my legs aren't comfortable and my right arm was starting to get numb.

Sleeping on my stomach with my face turned, facing the wall, while both arms were on either side of my body? Nope, I have boobs remember? Plus I would probably drool a lot in that position.

How about sleeping normally with my back against the mattress and using a pillow on top of the other to support my head so it's sideways while hugging myself? Of course not, did you actually think that could ever work? Your legs are in the most awkward of positions, your arms in all the wrong places and your head isn't decently placed, dumbass! 

Sometimes I really hate myself for being for bad to myself and for getting annoyed because I can't for the life of me fall asleep.

After about 25 different positions and having put my limbs in the most awkward positions trying to find one that is comfortable I finally found one that worked.

While laying on my left side hugging a pillow with one arm while the other was under my head and my legs slightly bent I was finally comfortable-ish.

They say if you focus on controlling your breathing you will be able to fall asleep faster but does that work better than counting sheep? Maybe, but it definitely wins the race when it's compared to thinking your friend might be committing suicide while you are just laying there like a freaking princess who was born with a silver spoon in her mouth.

Breath in for 6 seconds, hold for 4 and breathe out for 8.

Breath in for 6 seconds, hold for 4 and breathe out for 8.

Breath in for 6 seconds, hold for 4 and breathe out for 8.

It's actually working well, it's reducing my heartbeats and breathing rate to what I guess is minimum and shut down all other thoughts.

Breath in for 6 seconds, hold for 4 and breathe out for 8.

Breath in for 6 seconds, hold for 4 and-

Zzzzz... Zzzzz... Zzz...

No, it wasn't my dog or a wasp in my room, I've had enough of those annoying mosquitoes invade my bedroom and not leave these past couple of days. I mean 5 wasps in 3 nights ? Are you kidding me? Plus, I even found one in my living room this morning...

Zzzz... Zzzzz.... Zzzzz...

It's my phone, vibrating, at 3 in the morning, one of the world most indecent and inappropriate hours to call someone.

I extend my arm and feel around my nightstand without looking at it, allowing my head to stay comfortably on my pillow.

Since Chelsea and I are always on the phone I don't need to look at it to know where the answer button is so I click it and sloppily set my phone on my ear.

"Hello?" I weakly speak out.

"Hey, Tessa," the other person says.

The other person being James, you know, the guy that has made me go through hell lately, assuming the worst, is calling me. James is calling.

"James is calling me," I say slowly as my eyes widen. I then sit up gradually, vertebra by vertebra, and lean against my headboard.

"Yeah, he is. Hi," he says calmly. He sounds different though but at least he's alive, that good. That's really good, maybe things are the same as before and he just took a break or was grounded. Why didn't I think of that last possibility before? It explains so much. "Before you start, I should say something. I took you advice and it paid off."

What advice? How did it pay off? Where has he been and what has he been doing for the past 10 days of our lives?

"What-what do you mean, James?" He is literally the most complicated person I have ever met, and Chelsea is my best friend so that's saying a lot.

"I went to see her, to see her grave, I brought her a bouquet of lilies. They were her favourite, especially the ones with the tips that looked as if they had been dyed." I love it when he talks about her, he gets calm and doesn't let things get to him too much. Nothing but tears or a smile will get on his face, no sadness or bad feelings beyond that. "Then by mum took me to a rehab place, the treatment was called Nedley Depression and Anxiety Recovery Programme if you want to check it out." Well, at least he knows me well enough to know I want to take a look and do some research on it. Sadly, he didn't know me well enough to know I wanted to know if he was ok or not, I simply wanted a tiny update.

"Oh, um... Could, could you talk to me about it?" I ask gently, he's made amazing progress since we first met. I can't believe he actually took the next step and got professional help. I can honestly say I'm proud of him, he had the courage to do something a lot of people didn't.

"Um... So, we went to the countryside about 100 kilometres from here and I stayed there, alone. There were about 50 people in the programme like me, depressed over all sorts of things. There also a couple of people who freaked out a lot, they got anxious over every and anything. It was pretty bad for them, plus one of them was germophobe so that didn't help at all."

"Wow," I let out, "I would hate being like that. Not being able to touch anything without wanting to vomit or pour acid on your skin? No, thank you," I said even though I realised how rude it was, the only thing about it was the fact that he chuckled.

"Yeah, it was a pretty complicated situation but I only ran into to her once. Everyone there was pretty nice too," he added, "we all had something big going on and we're pretty sympathetic towards everyone else."

I don't really know what it is to be depressed and live in the 21st-century society but, one thing is for sure, it's pretty hard. Everyone will simply be interested in their own lives and not in helping others with actual problems. Having the ability to make others' pain smaller would be an ability.

"I bet, everyone has something going on and they become more open to others' struggles."

He didn't say anything before I asked him to share more details but even the silence was different, it didn't feel as bad, as heavy, as it used to be.

"Um... I don't really know what to say, they were pretty good at their jobs and I'm better now, or at least I think I am."

"You're right," I said with a big smile. "What did you do there?"

"We-we had some lessons there, um..." He's pretty calm, I think he's better. I'm not quite sure how 10 days can change someone that much but maybe it was one heck of a programme! "Yeah, we had some group lessons and personal, one-on-one consultations with the head doctor, hydrotherapy..."

"Hydrotherapy?" I asked, what could that have to do with anything?

"They said that being comfortable in a different, non-man-designed environment we would find it easier to not panic in other situations that weren't made thinking of us specifically. Anyway, we had some lessons with actual teachers, doctor, phycologists, we even had a personal trainer. That last part was pretty cool, I hadn't work outed in... gosh, I hadn't moved a muscle since she died." What? I can't believe it's been that long, he really must have shut down completely, both his mind and body. "We had these awful flexibility training sessions and 'aerobic conditioning' that were more like 1000 ways you're not going to be able to bend your body into."

I chuckled, I never did gymnastics when I was little nor ballet. It's actually a pretty cliché activity for young girls when you think about it, it wasn't me. I've been too into sports, not now not ever. That reminds me, he's talked about unlocking the body side of the problems but what about the mental part?

"Did they do something about your socialisation?"

"Yes, we had daily interactive presentations which were annoying but ok and we had all sorts and kinds of lessons that discussed everything from the way your brain worked and how your hormones changed your mood and state of mind to the single foundation of marriage and how the heart's wants and needs affect us. Also, there were some on spiritual health, addictions, stress management and thoughts." Spiritual health, mental and physical health are highly discussed and out there but spiritual health? Please tell me that means your state of mind and not your auras and all that jigger-jagger. "Oh, and we didn't have our phones or any tech with us. That's why I didn't say anything, we only had the ability to make a 5-minute-long call to our families after dinner. Any calls beside that would either say it had been disconnected or go to the answering machine." So that's why he was missing for so long, that's actually a good explanation and a decent reason, some people are poisoned by technology and social media... I don't think I should bug him about it, though, it's clear he felt bad about not saying a word after leaving me hanging so abruptly.

"Spiritual health sounds a bit odd, and what were the classes of thoughts like?" I asked. we've discussed thoughts before but never got into the philosophical and human matters behind them, should we have gotten into that?

"They were mostly on recognising and correcting distorted thoughts, as they called them, basically suicidal thoughts or of self-harm, things like that."

"Did-did that actually help?" I'm so curious, he does sound a little different but maybe it's because it's so late and he's tired but, at the same time, it might not be because of that, at all.

"I-I think so," he said, sounding completely unsure of his statement. "I've been a bit better, I haven't had such bad thoughts since I started it and I've been ok, I guess.

I shifted on my bed and laid down properly as I took my phone on the lowest volume possible so I could have it on speaker while googling the programme without disturbing my parents. 'Nedly Program' I start typing, "what did you say it was called again?"

"The Nedley Depression and Anxiety Recovery Programme. Oh, and Nedley is spelt n-e-d-l-e-y."

"Thanks," I whispered as I clicked on the first link that popped up.

'This programme is the most comprehensive... Dr Nedley has researched...' Skip, skip, skip and here we go ' the programme provides mental health educations in a comprehensive way-'

"Why are you reading that, and why are you reading it out loud? Am I on speaker, Tessa?" Ops, oh crap.

"Sorry James, but yeah, you're on speaker. I would be able to hear you and do some digging on it at the same time if you weren't." I explained before apologising again.

"It's ok," I heard a yawn and then let one out myself, they contagious, right? But should they only be contagious if you are looking at the person doing that action? Maybe it's just because I that weird... "It's getting late."

"Yeah, it is," I agreed smoothly before checking the time again and, this time, it said '03:47AM'.

"I should go, I have to wake up earlier because I have some late homework due tomorrow and m teacher is very unforgiving since we all have technology glued to your extremities at all times so we should be able to know what needs to get done before the next lesson. Teachers are so mean," he says slowly as if he was already falling asleep.

"Yeah, they are. They can the best and the worst people anyone will ever meet, it depends on the people... We should definitely go to sleep then, good night."

Tic tac, tic tac, tic tac...

I didn't get a reply from him after about 10-15 seconds, so I called him name out a couple of times after removing the speaker option on the call.

"James, James? Hello?" I asked every time more quietly than the one before. "Jamie, are you there?"

No reply again, he must have really been exhausted to fall asleep so promptly. Can't say I blame him, though, it's pretty late and he probably had a long day today.

I sit back up and end the call, quickly texting him a 'goodnight' before turning my cell off and trying to get some zs of my own.

{AN}

Hey everyone, sorry for the delay. I know it's been over a week but with school and everything time is starting to fly away and never come back.

Was this what you expected? Was it better, worse? Please let me know what you thought and give this book some love through a vote and the comment section ;)