Kelp/Rainkeeper: *standing over a grave, holding shovels*

Rainkeeper: Why did she have us bury her alive again?

Kelp: Sssshhhhh, let the master work.

*Thunder rolls, lightning strikes, the ground shakes*

Rainkeeper: What the hell???

Joy: *claws her way out of the ground like an undead zombie and rises into the air*

Kelp: *clicks on giant fan and throws leaves in front of it so they whip around majestically*

Joy: AT LAST.

Joy: WE HAVE RETURNED!!!!

Kelp: IT'S ALIIIIIVVVVEEEEEEE!!!!! IT'S ALIVE!!!!!

Rainkeeper:.....Yall are overdramatic as fuck.

*other hosts appear*

Haze: What did we tell you guys about stealing our openings?

Kelp: Not our fault we have better ones and you guys haven't been here for so long that I forgot who was in your group.

Air: *covers her eyes*

Air: It's Haze, Permafrost, Ander, Shore and...Ember.... Right?

Joy: Let's say yes and let the comments yell at us if we're wrong.

Permafrost: WE'RE LITERALLY STANDING RIGHT HERE.

Rainkeeper: Then if you're gonna host, then ACT LIKE IT.

Ander: Hush. *snaps talons*

*Button on a pedastal appears*

Joy: Hey Ander, guess what?

Ander: I don't waste time on guessing.

Joy: Our scavenger author is taking Latin next semester, so your lines are gonna get so much more accurate than google translate.

Ander: Ah, yes, because I trust our creator's language skills so much.

Rainkeeper: She can learn things!

Ander: Five years of spanish and what did she get on the college entrance exam for it?

Hosts:............

Other Hosts:..............

Air: *mumbles* A 38/100.....

Nightflyer: BUT SPANISH IS HARD!

Ander: ENGLISH IS WORSE.

Permafrost: ANWAYS! Long time no see, hosts! What have you all been up too?

Air: Therapy for my Supernatural addiction and slowly accepting that the CW is a trash network that will queetbait me until I die!

Nightflyer: Watching all of Our Flag Means Death with Air and both of us sobbing over how wonderful that show is and the weird feeling of actually NOT being queerbaited for once!

Joy: Staring at Sarah J. Maas books and slowly building crossover conspiracy theories that all revolve around the violence that will be inflicted when Aelin learns what a gun is. I'm looking forward to it. It's motivating me to read through both Crescent City books.

Rainkeeper: I caught up on Disenchantment, and the This is Us series finale is on Tuesday and I'm SO not ready.

Seashell: Ugh, me neither. It's time but I WANT MORE.

All:.........

Joy: Isn't that show made for a demographic of middle aged women?

Rainkeeper:....YES AND SEASHELL AND I ARE AGGRESSIVELY WATCHING IT, SHUT UP.

Seashell: WE WATCH ALL THE MIDDLE AGED WOMEN DRAMAS, WHAT DO YOU THINK WE DO WHEN YOU'RE OFF BUTCHERING PEOPLE?

Rainkeeper: Pear loves Bridgerton.

Seashell: Rainkeeper, you love Bridgerton.

Rainkeeper: IT'S GOOD TO HAVE COMMON INTERESTS WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

Rainkeeper: But Eloise is a lesbian and I will die on this hill, so help me-

Haze: EVERYONE SHUT UP!

Kelp: You asked.

Shore: Today we're gonna play Press the Button.

Joy: *presses the button*

*Anvil falls on Ember*

Joy: Sorry, I have no impulse control!

Ember: *in a pained voice* Fuck you, Joy.

Permafrost: For those of you unfamiliar with Press the Button, essentially you're given a choice. You're presented with something that will happen if you press the button, as well as the consequence for pressing it. You must then decide whether or not to press the button.

Shore: For TorD purposes though, if you DO press the button, whatever you picked will actually happen, and the consequences will last for the next 3 dares. 

Ember: Who wants to start?

Kelp: I'll go!

Haze: Here's your choice.

Kelp: Free money or my toe....

Seashell: This is your casual reminder that we DO have infinite money.

Haze: No you don't.

Seashell: Yes-

Ember: *unfurls TorD Constitution*

Ember: The infinite money in question belongs to the Hosts of the game. As you are participating in the Dare of this chapter, this makes you Players, not Hosts, therefore you are not entitled to the Infinite Dollas bestowed upon the budget of the Hosts.

Hosts:............

Nightflyer: Oh crap, we are so in debt if we stay as players.

Rainkeeper: We spend a LOT.

Seashell: Maintaining the game is expensive!

Air: *whispers* Not to mention the Funko Pop cave...

Joy: The what?

Nightflyer: NOTHING. THE NOTHING AT ALL. KELP, PRESS THE BUTTON.

Kelp: Yeah, okay.

Joy: WAIT, WHAT, NO-

Kelp: Joy, it's literally a toe for a million dollars a month. That's $12 million a YEAR. FOREVER. 

Joy: But you get hurt for it!

Kelp: I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you are that attached to my littlest toe than you will surrender millions of dollars we could spend on dance parties and weaponry.

Joy: I'm attached to every part of you!

Kelp: Fine, then you can keep the toe when I'm done with it. *presses the button*

Ander: *hands him a cleaver*

Ander: Off with your toe. Choppy Chop.

Kelp: Okay.... I can do this.

Joy: *covers her eyes*

Joy: I CAN'T WATCH.

Rainkeeper: Joy, you've maimed hundreds of dragons in ways WAY worse than this-

Joy: SHUT UP, THIS IS DIFFERENT.

Kelp: *chops off his toe and screams*

Joy: *also screams*

Joy: *bear hugs Kelp*

Permafrost: *drops a million dollars in front of him*

Permafrost: See you next month.

Kelp:.....Worth it.

Joy: I'm not keeping your severed toe.

Kelp: Aw c'mon, it'd be a cool keepsake!

Joy:.....Okay maybe.

Ember: Alright, who's next?

Air: Me!

Nightflyer: Kelp just cut off his own toe and you're still excited about this?!?

Air: I mean we've done way worse, so yeah.

Air: Plus I binge-watched a show where I watched 3 people explode violently, so gore means nothing to me now.

Shore: Will you press the button?

Air: Are you kidding? That's easy!

Rainkeeper: AIR WAIT-

Air: *presses button*

Air: What?

Rainkeeper: That includes smut fics and explicit Destiel fan edits....

Air: *pales*

Air: OH FUCK.

Permafrost: Here's your money.

Air: *wails*

Air: WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!!?!?

Kelp, still bleeding from the foot: Man, this game really screwed her over.

Air: I CAN'T EVEN OPEN TIKTOK NOW.

Nightflyer: WHAT DOES YOUR TIKTOK LOOK LIKE???

Air: Uh-

Joy: Oh, are you on KinkTok too?

Kelp: Hold up-

Seashell: I'm on Golden retriever Tiktok, I get nothing but dogs.

Rainkeeper: I'm on art videos with Reddit story audios TikTok

Air: RIP my AO3 bookmarks....

Ember: Well, now that I'm thoroughly scarred for life-

Shore: Join the club, my mother's on Kinktok-

Ember: Who's next?

Rainkeeper: Screw it, I'll do it.

Rainkeeper:....Define magical creatures.

Ander: STARS.

Permafrost: *flips through Fantastic Beast and Where to Find Them*

Permafrost: Faeries, Goblins, Griffins, Minotaurs, Centaurs, Ghosts, Golems, Cyclops, Oni, Ogres, Gnomes, Leprechauns, Mermaids, Bill Cipher, Fauns, Werewolves, Vampires, the Loss Ness Monster, Unicorns, Bigfoot, etc.

Rainkeeper: I COULD MEET SHREK.

Joy: And Charlie the Unicorn.

Nightflyer: AND REMUS LUPIN.

Rainkeeper: *smashes the button*

Rainkeeper: Oh three moons I forgot it said ghosts.

Seashell: Why? Do you see any?

Ander: Espèce d'imbécile, of course he does.

Rainkeeper: Joy, there's uh.....There's a loootttttt of dragons you've killed in this room.

Joy: Oh.

Joy: HEY GUYS. BET IT SUCKS BEING DEAD BUT YOU FUCKING DESERVED IT! HA!

Rainkeeper: They did NOT like that.

Joy: *sticks her tongue out*

Joy: Too bad!

Rainkeeper: *laughs nervously*

Rainkeeper: I regret my choices.

Shore: Next?

Seashell: Why not, I'll go.

Seashell: ARE YOU KIDDING?

Seashell: *frantically hits button multiple times*

Seashell: HILLYWOOD! HILLYWOOD! HILLYWOOD!

Joy: *shoves Seashell aside and hits button*

All: *hits button*

Joy: WHO CARES IF I'M IN A VIDEO OR NOT, I WANNA HANG OUT WITH MARKIPLIER!!

Air: MISHA HAS A YOUTUBE ACCOUNT, BUT I WANNA MEET ANGELDOVE

Nightflyer: THIS HAS BEEN THE EASIEST ONE SO FAR, WHAT THE HELL

Haze: I assume then you want to go next?

Nightflyer: YEAH!

All:..............

Nightflyer: *steps away from the button*

Nightflyer: Nope, not doing that.

Shore: But it's the best computer.

Nightflyer: Nope.

Permafrost: It could write fanfiction for you.

Nightflyer: I can't do it. No.

All:............

Haze: I mean I wouldn't do it either.

Joy: Three moons, no.

Rainkeeper: Ew, Bing.

Ember: Why don't you try again and get something more reasonable and less disgusting?

Nightflyer: Okay!

Nightflyer: Now THIS is MUCH BETTER.

Permafrost: Agreed!

Joy: Like, we've seen some despicable things in this game, but even I can't top the idea of having to use BING. Gross.

Nightflyer: And screw it, I'm going for it. 

Rainkeeper: But you have to watch hours of gay porn.

Nightflyer: Do smut fics count?

Shore: Yes.

Nightflyer: *clicks button*

Nightflyer: I want my Adobe Flash games back.

All: *gasps*

Haze: Shit, I'd watch anything you wanted to get those back.

Air: Nightflyer, I will be living vicariously through you.

Nightflyer: I expected that.

Haze: *tosses him a laptop*

Haze: Get watching.

Nightflyer: Whatever it takes to play Papa's Freezeria again.

Ander: Your turn, Joy.

Joy: Hit me.

Seashell: *winds up to punch her*

Joy: *stares her down*

Joy: Do it. I DARE YOU.

Seashell: *slowly lowers fist*

Joy: Ha! Easy. *presses the button*

Kelp: JOY!

Joy: What? Everyone knew I was going there anyway! I want Macaw to turn into a banana. Painfully.

Ander: *snaps talons*

*Macaw appears*

Ander: *snaps again*

Macaw: *screams and morphs into a normal banana*

Joy: *steps on the banana and crushes it*

Joy: Ahhhhh. Totally worth the eternal damnation.

Air: What happens now?

Ember: Well, you're banned from anything smut related, Nightflyer has to watch gay porn everyday-

Nightflyer: *gives a thumbs up while staring at computer*

Ember: Joy is going to hell, Rainkeeper can talk to magical creatures, and Seashell gets to spend a day with the sisters from the Hillywood Show.

Seashell: OH DEAR MOONS AND STARS ABOVE, I FINALLY GOT THE BEST DEAL OUT OF SOMETHING???

Seashell: *laughs* YES! TAKE THAT LOSERS, I WIN!!!

Seashell: I'M GONNA GET THEM TO TELL ME ALL ABOUT THE GOOD OMENS PARODY!

Joy: And I'm gonna use my new powers to make Amber Heard suffer.

Kelp: Please, use my money for that cause.

Joy: No need, you can just tag along and help.

Rainkeeper: CAN WE ALL HELP?

Joy: DUH. JUSTICE FOR JOHNNY!!!!

Seashell: Objection! Hearsay.

Joy: SHUT UP SEASHELL.