Air: JUST ONCE CAN I BE IN A FANDOM THAT DOESN'T CAUSE ME SEVERE EMOTIONAL PAIN?

Hosts:......

Kelp: Do....Do those even exist?

Joy: A- wait, no....

Nightflyer: Band...fandoms- Wait no, MCR fans are definitely suffering from severe emotional pain all the time.

Seashell: Yeah no, they don't exist. Who hurt you this time?

Air: Somebody died in Walker and I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT.

Joy: Hush little baby, don't you cry. He was a Winchester, you knew he'd die.

Air:........

Air: First of all, how dare you-

Kelp: Second of all, that was catchy as hell.

*players appear*

Qibli: I thought we were on a break.

Rainkeeper: There are no breaks, who told you that?

Qibli: Uhhhhh Ross?

Rainkeeper: WE DON'T TAKE ADVICE FROM ROSS IN THIS HOUSE.

Winter: This house is a fucking nightmare.

Sunny: LANGUAGE! THAT'S IT, YOU'RE IN TIME OUT. GET ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE!

Winter: YOU CAN'T GIVE ME ORDERS.

Meerkat: Watch her.

Moon: Can we speed this up, I have shows to watch.

Amber: Your I Love Lucy reruns can wait.

Moon: LEAVE ME AND MY LUCY ALONE.

Amber: ONLY WHEN YOU ACCEPT THAT YOU ONLY WATCH IT CAUSE RICKY RICARDO IS HOT.

Moon: EVERYONE WATCHED THAT SHOW BECAUSE RICKY RICARDO WAS HOT.

Carnelian: I just thought it was funny...

Amber: THAT TOO, BUT IT'S MOSTLY ABOUT RICKY.

Joy: *blows air horn to get everyone's attention*

Joy: So. Today's dare.

Rainkeeper: Will be taking us back to the prime days of middle school when we read the Divergent series.

Nightflyer: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, THE DIVERGENT SERIES!

Air: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, MIDDLE SCHOOL!

Kelp: We still hide all the copies of Allegiant whenever we go to Barnes and Noble and I think that says everything you need to know about our thoughts on how that series ended.

Seashell: The first two books were really good though....

Joy: And we will never speak of the movies cause they were trash. GREAT cast. Horrible execution.

Air: Why would you say execution?

Rainkeeper: ANYWAYS, it's been brought to our attention that we never sorted you guys into Divergent Factions, so we're doing that today because it must be done.

Tsunami: What the hell are factions?

Clay: Fractions? Oh no. Ohhhhhh no no no. Just kill me. I'm not dealing with those things again.

Nightflyer: FACTIONS are the five groups that the world of Divergent are sorted into. When people turn 16, they choose which faction they want to live the rest of their life in by cutting their hand over a bowl designated to that faction. 

Kelp: They're like your tribe. Faction before blood.

Air: Ah, faction before blood. Something, I think, TRIS SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO A LITTLE BIT BETTER.

Joy: *singing* Caleb was an asshole, Caleb was an ASSHOLE-

Seashell: Yes. Yes he was. Now let's get started! *snaps talons*

*Five bowls appear on a table*

Nightflyer: Allow me to explain your options. In the first bowl, we have the gray stones of Abnegation, the selfless. They value the needs of others above the needs of themselves. Then there's water, for Erudite, the intelligent. They are known for their knowledge. Then there's earth, for Amity, the peaceful. They value peace and harmony above all else. Next is glass, for Candor, the honest. They value honesty and order above all else, no lies allowed. Finally we have lit coals for Dauntless, the brave. They are the soldiers and are pretty much fearless. Choose your faction wisely.

Sunny: *raises hand* Question! What if we could be in more than faction?

Kelp: Then you're considered Divergent.

Sunny: What happens then?

Joy: *loads a magazine into a rifle*

Joy: You die!

Sunny:.......OH.

Rainkeeper: Normally everyone gets a test done to see what faction they'd be best in, but since people don't always listen to those results, we think that's dumb, so we're not gonna do it. Clay, you're up first!

Joy: *hands him a knife*

Clay: Um.....*stares at the bowls*

Clay: I mean, I'm usually honest....not very smart....I LIKE peace and being brave, but I don't know if I want to base my whole life off of them....

Clay: *glances at Peril, Tsunami, Glory, Starflight, and Sunny*

Clay: Yeah, okay. *cuts his palm and bleeds over the gray stones*

Nightflyer: Abnegation. Can't say I'm entirely surprised

Air: I AM, ABNEGATION SUCKS!

Rainkeeper: Spoken like a Dauntless.

Peril: *steps up*

Peril: Well this is the easiest choice ever. *slices her palm over the coals*

Joy: WELCOME TO DAUNTLESS, PERIL!

Peril: YES! Where's the chocolate cake?

Tsunami: As much as I hate being in the same place as Peril, there's no way I'm picking anything else. *bleeds over the coals*

Peril: I think we'll get along fine.

Clay: Peril! We're an Abnegation X Dauntless couple now! How angsty is that!!

Peril: What have we done-

Kelp: Riptide?

Riptide:.....

Riptide: I'm not selfless. I'm not Erudite. I like honesty, and I'm the leader of the freaking Talons of PEACE and yet....

Riptide: I blame cowardice. *bleeds over the coals*

Tsunami: YES! DAUNTLESS, BABY!

Riptide: You're not allowed to throw knives at my head.

Tsunami: No promises!

Deathbringer: Maybe the reason you guys didn't do this dare earlier is because you realized how boring it would be when everybody picked Dauntless. *bleeds over the coals*

Joy: True, true. I can't help it if you're all inclined to be angry and brave.

Glory:.........

Glory: Amity is for wimps, I care about myself too much for Abnegation, I lie too much for Candor...

Glory: Aaaaand Erudite seems a bit stuck up, so let's have some fun! *bleeds over the coals*

Deathbringer: Did you seriously almost leave me for ERUDITE?

Glory: Eh, it was always gonna be Dauntless in the end. Now you're stuck with me.

Deathbringer: Good.

Glory: And you're stuck with both of us, Tsunami!

Tsunami: UUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Starflight: *steps up*

Starflight: Well this is easy. *bleeds over the water*

Nightflyer: Our first Erudite, and it fits you so well.

Starflight: Do they have cocaine in Erudite?

Nightflyer:.......No.

Starflight:....CRAP.

Glory: Don't worry buddy, Dauntless can fuel your addiction!

Starflight: Would've picked it, but you guys have to jump on a moving train as a starting point and I uh- I would not have passed.

Glory: Fair enough.

Fatespeaker: *walks up*

Fatespeaker:.......Okay, this is actually really hard.

Fatespeaker: I wanted to fight for something, but I like peace. I love honesty, but I lie, and I really TRY to be selfless but it doesn't always happen, how am I supposed to pick?

Joy: *racks gun* Sounds like a Divergent to me.

Fatespeaker: I.....*thinks of how bad she wanted to be in the prophecy over Starflight, thinks about all the selfless things she's done for Starflight*

Fatespeaker: Fuck it. I'M DIVERGENT, SHOOT ME.

Joy:.....*sets down the gun*

Joy: Good.

Fatespeaker: WHAT???

Joy: That was a test. You passed. You beat the system. Congrats.

Fatespeaker:........WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLACE?!?!?!

Air: Chicago.

Fatespeaker: Oh, never mind then. That makes sense.

Sunny: *steps up*

Sunny: Abnegation, Candor, Dauntless, Amity.....I really like peace and harmony...but I also like being selfless....

Clay: No offense Sunny, but I think you should try being more selfish.

Sunny: Really?

Clay: Yeah! Do stuff for yourself sometimes!

Tsunami: Strange words coming from an Abnegation.

Clay: Them before I.

Sunny: Alright. Alright I'LL. BE. SELFISH! *slices palm, bleeds over earth*

Kelp: Our first Amity.

Sunny: WOOO!!!! PEACE AND HARMONY!!!!!

Air: Don't eat the bread!!

Sunny: Wait what?

Meerkat: *steps up*

Meerkat: As a minor character, my personality has not been developed to the point where we can accurately answer this question.

Meerkat: But I'm gonna pick Abnegation because I work with doctors to help dragons and that's gotta make me at least a little bit selfless. *bleeds over the gray stones*

Clay: Ayeeee, Abnegation high five!

Nightflyer: Agnegation doesn't high five.

Clay:.....I'm starting to regret this choice.

Meerkat: I think I am too.

Air: Welcome to Abnegation.

Moon: *walks up*

Moon: Look, I'm smart, I'm semi-brave, I like harmony, I'm kina selfless, but dammit, I just want some honesty. *bleeds over the glass*

Rainkeeper: Our first Candor.

Moon: Thank you for your candor.

Winter: *steps up*

Winter: Now I know, I know, all of you are probably thinking I'm gonna pick Dauntless because I'm cold and fierce or whatever-

Joy: Bold of you to assume you're important enough to occupy my thoughts.

Winter: But jokes on you, I just want to study scavengers. *bleeds over the water*

Starflight: WE'RE IN THE SAME FACTION???

Winter: Guess so.

Starflight:....Your sister's not allowed to visit.

Winter: GOOD.

Amber: *walks up*

Amber: Dauntless sounds hella fun but I've had enough violence for one lifetime. I just want some peace. *bleeds over the earth*

Sunny: Sweet! We're Amity sisters!!!

Amber: YES!!

Clay: Wait, if you're sisters with Amber....and Amber is my sister.... then SUNNY DOES THAT MAKE YOU MY SISTER?

Sunny: I'M ALREADY YOUR SISTER!

Clay: COOL!

Carnelian: *steps up and bleeds over the coals*

Carnelian: Come on people. It had to be this way.

Peril: One of us....one of us....

Carnelian: Don't do that.

Deathbringer: ONE OF US....ONE OF US-

Carnelian: What have I done?

Kinkajou: *walks up*

Kinkajou: Definitely NOT Erudite or Candor- although, Candor does sound kinda nice after SOME DRAGONS-

Turtle: I told you what Anemone did!

Kinkajou: Yeah WHEN IT WAS CONVENIENT FOR YOU.

Kinkajou: I like the idea of Abnegation, but I don't think I'd fit in very well there.

Clay:  Awww

Meerkat: Too bad. We would've had fun parties.

Kelp: Abnegation doesn't have parties.

Meerkat: WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE EVEN DO???

Air: Wear gray. Avoid mirrors.

Clay: Oh, so 50 shades?

Hosts:.........

Joy: No. ON EVERY LEVEL, NO.

Kinkajou: Amity or Dauntless- do I blame aggression or cowardice....

Glory: C'mon Kinkajou, you'd be an awesome Dauntless!

Sunny/Amber: AMITY! A-M-I-T-Y!

Kinkajou: I'm sorry Glory. I don't want to be a hapless sidekick, but I'm not a solider either. To peace and harmony. *bleeds over earth*

Sunny: YES!!!!

Amber: NOW WE CAN HAVE SUNTIME!!!

Kinkajou: I think I chose well here.

Sunny: WE'RE THE THREE AMITY MUSKETEERS!

Amber: AMITY SISTERS!!

Rainkeeper: Just don't act like the kids at Amity High.

Joy: They do cocaine off the toilet seats.

Starflight: Why the FUCK didn't you you tell me that before I picked Erudite?!?!?!

Air: Amity SCHOOL, NOT THE FACTION.

Starflight: Dam....

Turtle: *steps up*

Turtle: I am 100% NOT Dauntless, no thank you. Not Abnegation either.

Winter: That's for sure.

Turtle: I like Amity, but a life of just peace sounds a bit dull...Erudite and Candor....

Turtle:....I've been disappointed so many times, I think I just want everything to be out in the open. (bleeds over the glass*

Moon: CANDOR BUDDY!

Turtle: Sup.

Moon: You're a coward!

Turtle: You're a whore!

Moon: Isn't honesty great??

Turtle: IT'S SO FUN!!

Qibli: *steps up*

Qibli: I'm smart enough for Erudite, but those guys are boring. Candor sounds dull, Amity is too hippy for me-

Sunny/Amber/Kinkajou: *making flower crowns*

Sunny: How dare you-

Amber: Sssshhhh, it's all good, Sunny. Peace....

Sunny: Okay!

Qibli: What am I drawing this out for? *bleeds over the coals*

Glory: YES! We got the best one from Qinterwatcher!

Moon: HEY!

Winter: SHUT UP!

Riptide: Hey again, Qibli.

Qibli: Riptide.

Tsunami: Oh no no no- you two stay away from each other.

Qibli: I'M NOT GONNA STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND.

Tsunami: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

Rainkeeper: And there you have it, folks.

Joy: Clay and Meerkat in Abnegation, Sunny, Amber, and Kinkajou in Amity, Moon and Turtle in Candor, Peril, Tsunami, Riptide, Deathbringer, Glory, and Qibli in Dauntless, Starflight and Winter in Erudite, and Fatespeaker is factionless.

Kelp: Out of all of them, I didn't expect Fatespeaker to be the only Divergent one.

Joy: I don't think she is. Glory, Sunny, Qibli, and Riptide could be too, but they were able to lean towards one faction in order to survive. Fatespeaker would be the Divergent one who died because she didn't fit in.

Fatespeaker: HA! Story of my life.

Nightflyer: I'm gonna go reread all of Divergent now. All two books.