Chapter 6

Searching For Happiness.

ﻭَﻗُﻞ ﻟِّﻠْﻤُﺆْﻣِﻨَٰﺖِ ﻳَﻐْﻀُﻀْﻦَ ﻣِﻦْ ﺃَﺑْﺼَٰﺮِﻫِﻦَّ ﻭَﻳَﺤْﻔَﻈْﻦَ ﻓُﺮُﻭﺟَﻬُﻦَّ ﻭَﻻَ ﻳُﺒْﺪِﻳﻦَ ﺯِﻳﻨَﺘَﻬُﻦَّ ﺇِﻻَّ ﻣَﺎ ﻇَﻬَﺮَ ﻣِﻨْﻬَﺎ ۖ ﻭَﻟْﻴَﻀْﺮِﺑْﻦَ ﺑِﺨُﻤُﺮِﻫِﻦَّ ﻋَﻠَﻰٰ ﺟُﻴُﻮﺑِﻬِﻦَّ ۖ ﻭَﻻَ ﻳُﺒْﺪِﻳﻦَ ﺯِﻳﻨَﺘَﻬُﻦَّ ﺇِﻻَّ ﻟِﺒُﻌُﻮﻟَﺘِﻬِﻦَّ ﺃَﻭْ ءَاﺑَﺎٓﺋِﻬِﻦَّ ﺃَﻭْ ءَاﺑَﺎٓءِ ﺑُﻌُﻮﻟَﺘِﻬِﻦَّ ﺃَﻭْ ﺃَﺑْﻨَﺎٓﺋِﻬِﻦَّ ﺃَﻭْ ﺃَﺑْﻨَﺎٓءِ ﺑُﻌُﻮﻟَﺘِﻬِﻦَّ ﺃَﻭْ ﺇِﺧْﻮَٰﻧِﻬِﻦَّ ﺃَﻭْ ﺑَﻨِﻰٓ ﺇِﺧْﻮَٰﻧِﻬِﻦَّ ﺃَﻭْ ﺑَﻨِﻰٓ ﺃَﺧَﻮَٰﺗِﻬِﻦَّ ﺃَﻭْ ﻧِﺴَﺎٓﺋِﻬِﻦَّ ﺃَﻭْ ﻣَﺎ ﻣَﻠَﻜَﺖْ ﺃَﻳْﻤَٰﻨُﻬُﻦَّ ﺃَﻭِ ٱﻟﺘَّٰﺒِﻌِﻴﻦَ ﻏَﻴْﺮِ ﺃُﻭ۟ﻟِﻰ ٱﻹِْﺭْﺑَﺔِ ﻣِﻦَ ٱﻟﺮِّﺟَﺎﻝِ ﺃَﻭِ ٱﻟﻄِّﻔْﻞِ ٱﻟَّﺬِﻳﻦَ ﻟَﻢْ ﻳَﻈْﻬَﺮُﻭا۟ ﻋَﻠَﻰٰ ﻋَﻮْﺭَٰﺕِ ٱﻟﻨِّﺴَﺎٓءِ ۖ ﻭَﻻَ ﻳَﻀْﺮِﺑْﻦَ ﺑِﺄَﺭْﺟُﻠِﻬِﻦَّ ﻟِﻴُﻌْﻠَﻢَ ﻣَﺎ ﻳُﺨْﻔِﻴﻦَ ﻣِﻦ ﺯِﻳﻨَﺘِﻬِﻦَّ ۚ ﻭَﺗُﻮﺑُﻮٓا۟ ﺇِﻟَﻰ ٱﻟﻠَّﻪِ ﺟَﻤِﻴﻌًﺎ ﺃَﻳُّﻪَ ٱﻟْﻤُﺆْﻣِﻨُﻮﻥَ ﻟَﻌَﻠَّﻜُﻢْ ﺗُﻔْﻠِﺤُﻮﻥ

"And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of phsycal relations; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye who believe , turn ye all together to Allah , that ye may attain bliss. "
(Aaya 31, Surah Noor)

ﻭَﻟْﻴَﺴْﺘَﻌْﻔِﻒِ ٱﻟَّﺬِﻳﻦَ ﻻَ ﻳَﺠِﺪُﻭﻥَ ﻧِﻜَﺎﺣًﺎ ﺣَﺘَّﻰٰ ﻳُﻐْﻨِﻴَﻬُﻢُ ٱﻟﻠَّﻪُ ﻣِﻦ ﻓَﻀْﻠِﻪِۦ ۗ

" Let those who find not the wherewithal for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allah gives them means out of His grace."

(Aaya 33, Surah Noor )

The clear velvet, stary, night sky now blanketed with dense, grey, rain laiden clouds, enveloped the city in darkness. People scurried out of their offices ,  some zooming off in their cars , whilst others hurriedly walked towards the bus stop , clad in their rain coats, furry jackets , and winter boots, clutching umbrellas in their hands, just in case the drizzle of rain descended. The road workers halted their work and gathered their equipment, appreciating the weather, as it meant reaching home early , giving them the opportunity to spend quality time with their families.
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arents yelled for their kids to return into the safety of their home, shutting windows and doors, lighting fireplaces and switching on the  heaters.

Shabana gazed out of the lounge window , Raees perched on her hip, as he insisted his mother should carry him, after mother and son witnessed the sudden change in weather .

Shabana worked from home during the week , as a beautician, but Saturdays and Sundays she reserved only for her son. For her to work was of utmost importance, for she was a single parent, and now also had an apartment for which she had to pay rent for , but at the same time , she didn't want to deprive her son of a mothers care and attention.

When he craved the attention of a father, it shattered her so badly , she was sure nobody could re construct her shattered heart, even if someone did attempt to put together the shattered pieces , the cracks would still remain , crystal clear and visible.... she blamed herself for the loss of a father in her childs life, sadly there was nothing she could do, to convince his father, keeping his pride, honour and dignity was more important to him, than accepting and caring for his own child. After he met his own son in the supermarket , and bonded so well with him on their very first meeting , when he handed Raees over to Shabana , eyes glassy and regret , and what seemed like a longing look painted on his face , to keep Raees close to him , she was so sure that he would acknowledge him as his child , and offer to fulfill his role as a father. That's all she wanted him to do , fulfill the role of a father , she didn't want him to fulfill the role of her husband , no ! Just a father,even if it meant, him taking Raees out on his own , even if it meant , not seeing her , even if he could only spend time with Raees once a week , she would give up her Saturday or Sunday, so that he could spend some time with his father , she would do anything , just to give her son a little experience of how it felt , to be loved , cared for and spoilt by a father.....but her hopes were crushed once again, and remained hopes and dreams , despite the obvious effect that Raees had on Farhaad in the supermarket , he chose to wear the mask of ignorance, and failed to acknowledge Raees as his son, for his status , dignity and esteemed position would become tainted.

It was a late Saturday afternoon , Shabana sat crossed legged on the the soft living room carpet , dressed in tights and a baggy top , that fell below her thighs , hair atop her head, swirled into a messy bun. Raees rested  on his stomach beside her, already bathed , and dressed into his pyjamas , ready for bed , his elbows resting on the ground , his palms on either of his cheeks, supporting his face, his tongue stuck out in concentration, as he whatched his mother intently , whilst she put together a thousand piece puzzle.

He occassioanlly , picked up a random piece from the little piles , strewn around them , hoping to be of some help in putting together this complicated puzzle. Shabana would accept the peice , place it at a random spot , then give him a smile of her approval , when she saw he was not looking , she would discreetly place it back in the respective pile, hoping he wouldn't notice.

Suddenly a few rumbles of thunder was heard , then a bolt of ligtning followed , little Raees jumped on to his mother's lap , and buried his face in the crook of her neck , Shabana could feel his little heart thumping violently against his rib cage. She held him tight , comforted him but , he refused to let her go. She tidied up the lounge , then closed the windows , Raees perched on her hip , he refused to go down.

As she stood by the huge window, that over looked the busy streets of the city. She gazed at the people scurrying away , before the storm began, the hasty drivers as they sped away, in hope of reaching home before the storm unleashed, but what caught her attention was , a young couple, who strolled calmly down the road , as if there was no storm that they anticipated , as if they were strolling in the park , their little son , who looked around three , walked between the two of them , his tiny hands clasped in their hands, his clothes looked old , they were all dressed shabbily. They were the beggars that she often saw . They swung him , then helped him to jump , causing him to squel in delight. This little boy did not live in the lap of luxury , neither did he have a home , a proper shelter, but he had a complete family , he had loving and caring parents , and that is what made a home.

Her heart tightened in pain, she held Raees close to her , placed her chin on his head , and allowed the tears to gush out of her glassy eyes.

Why couldn't Farhaad have a little guilt , pity or mercy in his heart?

He doesn't realise that his son needs his father , he doesn't care that he craves his attention....

But this is all my fault ....If only I could go back and change my ways ....

Unfortunately there is no rewinding , that is the reality of life , once you commit a sin , you have to face the consequences , if not immediately , definitely later on, if not later on , in the hereafter , and what can be worse than being punished in the hereafter.
Shabana realised this , hence she strove to become a better Muslimah , and she repented several times, fearing that she would not be forgiven but ; at the same time hoping in the mercy of Allah Ta'allah. She found happiness in Allah but , being human she needed a spouse to find comfort in, to share her sorrows , to encourage her , to motivate her when she felt down.

Shabana got Raees done for bed , then tucked him in ,reading his favourite Islamic bed time stories, unlike her childhood where she grew up , loving actors , dancing and music, she made sure that her son grew up in an environment of those who loved and lived their deen. Raees grew up , admiring the inspiring stories of Nabi صلى الله عليه وسلم , Prophets, the noble companions of Nabi صلى الله عليه وسلم , he grew up with the echo of the athaan , the recitation of Quraan , and establishment of Salaah.

She smiled at him affectionately, kissed his nose , and pulled the covers up to his chin. She thought of having him sleep beside her,  in her room, but then thought against it , for she didn't want to disturb the peaceful sleep of her little boy , with her heart breaking sobs. Once the night lowered it's veils of darkness , only the four walls of her room witnessed the flow of tears from her eyes, the grief of her heart, and the sorrow of her soul. The world admired her for the strength , and courage that she displayed , yet no one could see past the facade she displayed , no one saw the glassy eyes behind the smile etched on her face.

She sighed , walking towards the lounge , she plopped herself on the couch , her thoughts wandering into the darkness of the night.

My Disturbed Heart

Judging me outwardly , you may never guess ,
The emotion and hidden stress ...

It builds up and increases each day ,
Eyes flowing with tears , I pray..

My emotions are locked within my heart , never them shall I reveal...
In the dark hours of the night , I release that which I conceal...

The is restless, always wandering,
All these tears on the one that does not bother, I spend my nights squandering.
Outwardly I look calm , cool and collected,
But inside my heart ,my decisions feel unprotected.

Each and every day , as the clock is life ticks away , for my dream to become a reality I hope ,
With all my life , clinging on this suspended rope....

Oh my disturbed heart , grieve not ...for Allah is with you , through situations when they become rough ,
Allah will never burden you , more than that which you can bear , Your Creator will escape for you and escape, even when life seems tough....

My emotions are locked in my heart , never them ,shall I reveal,
In the dark hours of the night , I release that which I conceal...

Shabana snapped out of her reverie, when she heard a loud knock on the door. She turned to the watch, that read nine thirty. Quickly grabbing her abaya , she slipped it on , secured her hijaab around her head , and tied her niqaab. Hastily making her way to the door , she wondered who could be visiting at this hour. She stood by the door , hesitantly, but when the second knock vibrated the door , she opened up , revealing a mirror image of herself, her close friend Tayyiba stood at the door , clad in her abaya , scarf and niqaab , gloves covered her slender fingers. Tayyiba resided in the same apartment as Shabana , and had been instrumental in Shabana's transformation.

"Assalamualaykum Wa Rahamtullahi Wa Barakatuhu". Shabana greeted her freind , a wide smile etched on her face.

Tayyiba replied to her greeting , then enveloped Shabana in a tight hug.
Shabana laughed , and pulled away. She shut the door behind her , and they both made their way to the living room , a brown package clutched in Tayyiba's hand.

"What have I done , to be blessed  with a visit from such a busy woman?"

Tayyiba's husband was the Imaam of the local Masjid , and Tayyiba herself was well learned in deeni knowledge , having studied and Islamic Aalimah course , hence she as well as her husband were always busy imparting knowledge to the Muslims , as well as inviting and converting the non Muslims to Islaam. Tayyiba seldom had free time, but when she did have a few hours or minutes to spare , she would make sure she visited Shabana. Tayyiba knew about Shabana's past , she helped her , and advised her , she was no one to judge by someone's past . Allah Ta'allah is the Creator and Most Forgiving , she was a creation of Allah and also sinful in her own way, so who was she to look down on someone who commited a mistake. We all have mistakes and sins , just that our sins are different from each other , hence this does not give us the right to judge others , for we are also imperfect and sinful.

Tayyiba smiled , a glint of mischief evident in her , chocolate brown eyes. "Well ....." Tayyiba drawled.

"Firstly I came to deliver the books that you asked for , Pearls from the path" . Tayyiba pointed to the brown package on the table.

"Jazakillahu Khairan " .
Shabana gave her an appreciative smile.

"Barakillahu Feek " .

"And secondly ?" Shabana questioned, not missing the glint in her friends eyes.

Tayyiba dragged her fore finger and thumb across her lips, indicating that she would not speak.

"Tayyiba ! " Shabana gave her a warning look but , Tayyiba refused to talk.

Shabana got up from the couch opposite her friend , and gave her a cheeky smile. Tayyiba narrowed her eyes at her.

"Please tell me ! " Shabana fluttered her eye lashes.

Tayyiba laughed , and shook her head.
"That's it ! You asked for it . " Shabana lifted her hands, and began tickling Tayyiba's sides. They both were terribly ticklish, and would use their technique of tickling , to get out information from one another.

"Ss-stop ! O okay I I will t-tell youu " Tayyiba was now on the carpet , laughing so hard ,that little tears sprouted in her eyes , and trailed down her face.

"Good girl !" Shabana laughed at her friends state , then stretched out her hand , helping her up.

"Woman ! I'm so going to tell my hubby to tell Hamza to get you back for this !"

"Hamza ?" Shabana rose her brow in question.

"Uh...oh yeah ! " Tayyiba looked around nervously , not meeting Shabana's gaze.

"Who's Hamza ? " Shabana asked , confused by her friend's nervous look.

Tayyiba sighed , then cleared her throat, she sat down on the couch once again , then patted the seat next to her. Shabana sat down beside her.

"Well.....do you remember I told you about this man from this apartment , that was very modern before , he met my husband in the masjid , and said that he was so tired of life, he was fed up with the way he lived , and he wanted to find true happiness ."

Shabana nodded , recalling how happy she was , when she heard that there were many other people who were once , sailing the same ship she once sailed , drowning in ignorance, but  Allah had rescued them and brought them to the shore of realisation. The fact that there many people who were willing to change and turn back to Allah , warmed her heart with happiness and joy.

"Okay I'm just going to come out and say it " Tayyiba took a deep breath.

Shabana sighed in frustration.
"Can you spill already !"

" He has really changed Alhamdulilah. He performs all his Salaah in the masjid , he began helping out with the charity events."

Shabana nodded , still confused as to why Tayyiba was telling her all this but, she chose to remain silent and listen.

"He was in a lot of relationships before he changed but, Masha Allah he has totally cut himself off all that haraam, just like you were guided to the right path , Allah guided him."

"Alhamdulilallah , that's good to hear.
I don't mean to be rude but , why exactly are you telling me all this?"
Shabana enquired.

Tayyiba gave her a nervous smile.
"What I'm trying to say is , he came to my husband saying that he wishes to get married , and asked if we know anyone , who had the same background as him. "
Tayyiba spoke in one breath , let out a deep breath , then held in her breath , awaiting Shabana's reply.

Shabana gave her an incredulous look, she was not expecting that ....at all ! She kept silent for a while , gathering her thoughts. Tayyiba had more to say , she knew that but, she was not so naive , she could read between the lines , Tayyiba and her husband had her in mind , they wanted to suggest her to Hamza.

After a long, and rather uncomfortable silence , Shabana whispered loud enough for Tayyiba to hear.
" I know what you thinking Tay but, that's not possible ! "

Tayyiba held her hand , consoling her. "Why not , you deserve some happiness in your life. "

"I don't know if I do , I commited such a big mistake , I'm not pure , which man will event accept me !"
Shabana let down her gaurd , and broke down in tears once again.

Tayyiba consoled her , she pulled Shabana towards her , and rubbed her back soothingly.
"Allah is Most Forgiving , Most Meriful. We may commit sins , equal to the foam of the ocean but, Allah is still willing to forgive us. Regret in itself is repentance , never put yourself down and despair from the mercy of Allah. Allah loves those who repent. "

Shabana sniffed, she pulled away and gave her friend a watery smile.
"I hope your husband hasn't told Hamza about me already. I don't know if I'm ready for this"
Shabana looked hesitant.

"Don't feel insecure about your past , let the past remain in the past ,and work on making a better future.
Hamza did mention he wants a girl who had the same past as him , so you don't have to worry yourself about that. Also , my husband didn't have to suggest your name !"
Tayyiba grinned , her eyes shone in amusement.

Shabana gave her a questioning look , she found nothing amusing about this.

Tayyiba continued , the goofy grin still plastered on her face, her eyes twinkled with excitement.
"When he spoke to my husband , he mentioned that a certain niqaabi did catch his attention but, he was not sure if she was single or not , for the few times he had seen her , no man accompanied her. He was also very reluctant , due to his past , so he decided that he rather marry someone who had the same past as him. "

Shabana nodded, understanding the way he felt.
"But it doesn't mean a woman wears Niqaab she is sinless ,perhaps if he tries she may just accept. You never know "

Tayyiba giggled. "That's what I said, and I'm sure this niqaabi is willing to give him a chance. "

"How do you know ?"
Shabana laughed.

"Well , when Hamza mentioned where this woman lived , I knew who she was." Tayyiba smiled.

"Okayyy.... so why are you so happy like it's your sister getting married ?"

Tayyiba tapped her chin , pretending to be deep in thought.
"Actually she is my sister!"

"Really !" Shabana looked at her , surprised by the revelation .

"Yeah ! And he also mentioned that he thinks , this niqaabi has a son but , he's so whipped by her, that he's actually willing to look after her son"

"Wow ! That's amazing Masha Allah !
Hey ....but wait !" Shabana furrowed her brows in confusion . "Your sister doesn't have a son , so who......."
Shabana stopped midway , her eyes widened a fraction.

"Where does this woman live ", she asked slowly, unsure wether she wanted to hear the reply to that.

" In this apartment !" Tayyiba smiled.

Shabana gasped , when realisation struck her, she put her hand on her mouth in shock.
"Oh my Allah ! Is it what I think it is ?"
When Tayyiba nodded , indicating that it was her , that Hamza wanted to marry, her face became painted with a pretty pink blush. Tayyiba laughed in amusement , she hadn't seen this side of her friend before.

" no way ! Didn't the Imaam say anything, like why was he checking out a niqaabi? "
Shabana shook her head.

"Yes way ! Well Mr Imaam did scold him for not lowering his gaze but, when he figured the girl was his wife's friend , he assured the guy he would try his best to get me to speak to you, so he informed me after Esha , and that is why I pitched up at your house so late. "

"Oh my Allah ! I don't know what to say !" Shabana remained silent , unable to form a coherent sentence.

"How about you make Istikhara whether you should meet him or not , if it's a positive we can arrange a meeting , and then if your'll do like each other , you make Istikhara wether to marry him or not !"

Shabana nodded , she was reluctant but, excited at the same time , if Allah wished that this works out , she would not have to grieve over Raees not having Farhaads love , there was a man willing to look after him as his own son , she was willing to give him a chance she was learning to move on......

Tayyiba chatted for a while , then returned home , bubling with excitement. Shabana smiled to herself, she was so lucky to be blessed with a friend like Tayyiba , who shared her happieness and grief , her joy and sorrow , her smiles and tears , her laughter and pain.

All traces of fatigue had now disappeared , Shabana became hesitant once again , she didn't know if she should be happy by this proposal or be sad , she honestly didn't know how to feel, so for the night she decided to let it go, and not think about it . She unwrapped the parcel , and found a set of three books , Pearls from the path Volume 2 rested right on the top, she picked it up plopped herself on the couch , proped the book on her lap , she skimmed through the index until , a specific title capured her attention.
Allah Protects A Chaste Woman 32

She turned the pages to page thirty two , curious as to what this story could be about.

The story touched her heart deeply , and the moral of the story engraved into her heart , Allah's assitence and mercy comes in unexpected ways to those who obey His commands.

She might not have been pure from the very beginning but , she had surely mended her ways ,she remained pure from the time she turned back to Allah Ta'allah and she had firm belief that this will never go unnoticed by her Merciful Creator.

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