Turning Back To Allah.

التاءب من الذنب كمن لا ذنب له
( او كما قال صلى الله عليه وسلم )

Nabi صلى الله عليه وسلم said something to this effect: " The one who repents from sin , is like the one who has no sin!".

The bright rays of the sun shone upon her , blinding her vision, the slight breezy wind blew strands of her hair onto her face, passerby's stared at this woman walking out of her brother's apartment. She wore a mismatched tights and a loose fitted top that hung below her knees, her hair was strewn around her shoulders, in a knotted mess, her eyes red and sunken due to crying her guts out and lack of sleep.

She had locked herself in the guest room for over a week, sulking, crying and regretting...as well as repenting. The only time she would step out of her little cacoon was when her sister in law banged the door down, pleading with her to consume some food.

She had passed four months bawling her eyes out, thinking intently for a solution out of this problem. Killing the unborn child was not a solution and would only add to her sin, as her sister in law explained, she had only one option and that was the best option, she would move on!

She sincerely wanted to change, she really did .....but the sad thing was that she knew barely anything about Islaam, she was a born Muslimah but merely by name, her parents never cared to teach their children ,neither were they practicing Muslims themselves. She cried till her overly moist eyes became dry, her head became heavy, her stomach formed a knot of anxiety, her heart rate slowed down. She knew what she had to do, she had to look for an Islaamic institute and start seeking knowledge, she had no excuse and it was her duty to learn her religion.....

That is exactly what she did. Shabana began attending weekly ladies classes, lectures and various programmes, she began wearing modest attire and also began wearing the hijaab.

Once a sin is committed , one can never rewind and erase those sins, what is done cannot be undone, but this should not be a reason to give up hope. Allah is most merciful and no sin is too great for our Most Merciful Allah to forgive, Allah may forgive His servants even if their sins equal to the foam of the ocean. Shabana understood this, she understood that there was still hope , she continuously repented and she hoped for rewards from Allah The Most Merciful.

She was sincere, she never gave up, she tried harder and she strove for her goals, her gaol was to become better than what she once was and that is what she became, a new and transformed person , seeking the pleasure of her Merciful Lord.

Shabana gave birth to a baby boy, when she first set eyes on him , her heart clenched in pain, the feeling of nostalgia washed over her, her mind recalled the bitter memories she had of his father....

He looked just like his father, maybe that was her punishment, that every time she looked at her son it would be a reminder of the horrible sin she once commited, or maybe it was a reminder that every time she looked at her son she should repent for that great sin. Whatever it may be, he was a duplicate of his father, the father that was not proud to give him his name, the father that threw Shabana out refusing to show her any pity....

A fresh wave of tears washed down her already tear stained cheeks, she would have to raise her child on her own playing the role of both a mother and father.....
And it was all her fault......

Despite her son Raees, constantly being a reminder of her sinful past , she remained firm, repented continously and, made an unbreakable intention to assure that her son recieved the best secular as well as deeni education. She hoped Raees would learn well , and differentiate clearly right from wrong, and never commit the same mistake she once did.

It was tough being a single mother, she worked long hours, in order to earn sufficient money for both her and her son, despite this she never complained , after all she brought this upon herself, she had no right to complain.

She never thought about marriage and she never would , she convinced herself that no person would accept her, for she was not pure and she also had a child that was born out of wedlock. She feared that even if someone ever did want to marry her , he would never accept her child. Her little innocent baby already suffered the loss of a father , he lacked the love and attention of a father , he longingly gazed at fathers and sons playing in the park, she could never put him through more difficulty...

On various occasions, while strolling in the park, her little five year old son would watch each family intently , his gaze lingering on fathers throwing their little babies in the air and catching them once again, fathers running in slow motion, pretending they were unable to catch their little boys , who ran gleefully with smiles of triumph, fathers giving their daughters a piggy back ride, their little girls giggles of joy , echoing in the park. Little Raees would tug his mother's hand asking her that question, that turned her eyes glassy, caused her heart to beat rapidly in pain and shattered her soul...
"Mummy, why don't I have a daddy?"

Raees asked her this, on many occasions yet, each and every time she felt as if it was the first time he asked, her heart wailed in pain, her eyes filled with a sheen of unshed tears, threatening to break through her eyelashes that shielded it, and cascade down her face, mirroring the painful battle she fought in her heart, but she was strong , she had to be strong for her little boy....she blinked away her tears and plastered the most pleasent smile she could muster, masking her shattered heart .

Shabana squeezed her son's hand and, answered with the same words she always did, " In Sha Allah one day you will have a daddy"
What else should she say? He was only five, he was a pure innocent soul, he didn't deserve to know the truth and was much too young to even comprehend.....that he was a mistake and his father never wanted to know him.

The last encounter she had with Farhaad was when he threw her out , shattering all her hopes, he never bothered to visit her , and didn't even have the decency to phone her, he totally cut off ties with her and continued living his life , oblivious that his son was born, oblivious that his son craved the love of a father and oblivious of Shabana's aching heart.....
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Assalamualaykum dear readers!
I hope you all are in the best of health.

please.....

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