A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life. - Coco Chanel

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Elodie's POV 

            I've been standing in front of the gate of my father's house.

            Kanina pa ako nandito pero hindi ako nagdo-doorbell. Nakatayo lang ako at nakatingin sa nakasaradong gate. Nanginginig ang katawan ko. Sa tuwing may dumadaang sasakyan ay itinatago ko ang mukha ko. Ayaw kong makakita ng tao. Natatakot akong baka katulad sila ng mga lalaking gumawa ng masama sa akin. Wala na akong tiwala sa ibang tao.

            Pero hindi puwedeng dito lang ako. Umalis ako sa mga taong tumulong sa akin dahil hindi ko na kayang magtagal pa doon. They helped me and I am thankful for what they did, but I needed to pick up myself and start all over. And I cannot do that if I am confined in that facility.

            Initially, I wanted to go to my place. Or call my friend Anne and tell her what happened to me. But I was sure that she would go crazy if she learned what I went through. I was sure she was going to tell the cops everything. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want people to know what happened to me.

            I took a deep breath and pushed the doorbell. Once. Twice. Until I heard someone approaching to open the gate.

            It was an old man. Nakilala kong ito ang katiwala ni Daddy na si Mang Nestor.

            "Elodie?" Paniniguro niya.

            Pilit akong ngumiti. "Si Daddy ho?"

            Kitang-kita ko ang gulat sa mukha niya. Parang nakakita nga ng multo ang hitsura.

            "Sir! Sir Cesar!" Malakas niyang sigaw at inalalayan akong makapasok sa loob ng bahay.

            "Ano bang nangyayari, Nestor? Gabing-gabi na sigaw ka ng-" papalapit na boses ni Daddy ang narinig ko at hindi niya naituloy ang sasabihin nang makita niya ako. Tingin ko nga ay namutla pa ang halatang hindi makapaniwala na nakita niya ako dito. "Elodie?"

            "D-Dad," nanginig na ang boses ko.

            "Jesus Christ." Mabilis na lumapit sa akin si Daddy at niyakap ako ng mahigpit. Ang higpit-higpit noon at tuluyan na akong bumigay. Umiyak ako ng umiyak habang nakayakap ng mahigpit sa kanya. I felt safe. For the first time, I embraced my dad and I felt no one could hurt me if I am in his arms. I knew he was crying too.

            Marahan niya akong inilayo sa kanya at tiningnan ang mukha ko. Tiningnan ang kabuuan ko.

            "What happened to you?" Punong-puno ng pag-aalala ang mukha niya.

            I wanted to tell him everything. Every detail those monsters did to me, but I am sure, he was going to tell everyone about it too. He would go to the police and I don't want that to happen.

            Umiling lang ako at pinilit na ngumiti sa kanya kahit umiiyak ako.

            "Elodie, what happened to you? Ang huling tawag mo sa akin ang sabi mo may nangyayaring masama sa iyo. Tapos bigla kang nawala. I tried everything to look for you until we found your car and no trace of you. What happened?" Umiiyak na sabi ni Daddy.

            "Can we get inside? I am tired, dad." Iyon na lang ang nasabi ko.

            Inalalayan ako ni Daddy na makapasok sa loob. Inihatid niya ako hanggang sa isang kuwarto. Alam kong ito ang kuwartong ipinagawa niya para sa akin dahil gusto niyang dito ako tumira pero mas pinili kong manirahan mag-isa.

            Umupo ako sa couch na naroon at tumabi siya sa akin. Hindi niya binibitiwan ang kamay ko at nakatitig sa mukha ko.

            "Tell me what happened. Who tried to hurt you?" Ngayon ay seryoso na siya habang nakatingin sa mukha ko.

            Umiling lang ako. "I don't know." Muli ay tumulo ang luha ko at napasubsob sa mga palad ko.

            "What happened?" Nanginginig ang boses ni Daddy.

            "Can you just tell everyone that I am dead?"

            Nanlaki ang mata niya sa akin nang marinig ang sinabi ko. "What?"

            "Tell everyone you know that Elodie Yen Valderama is dead."

            "What the hell are you talking about? Ano ba talaga ang nangyari sa iyo? Anak, sabihin mo." Nagmamakaawa na ang boses ni daddy.

            "Ngayon lang ako hihiling sa iyo. Just tell the world that your daughter is dead. Because I did die," umiiyak na sabi ko.

            Hindi siya nakasagot at umiiling lang.

            "Trust me, dad this will be for good. We can make up story. Tell everyone that Elodie died and you have another daughter. I don't want to be Elodie anymore. People killed her."

            "Please tell me what really happened to you? If people hurt you, tell me and I am going to find them." Matigas na sabi ni Daddy.

            "I can't tell it yet. What happened to me was a nightmare, but I can't tell it. I just want to be someone else."

            Naihilamos ni Daddy ang kamay sa mukha niya at kitang-kita ko ang frustration doon. Alam kong ayaw niya ng sinasabi ko at gusto niyang malaman kung ano talaga ang nangyari sa akin. But I have something in mind. I am going to stand up for myself.

            Napahinga siya ng malalim. "If that's what you want. I am not going to ask you, but I hope you will tell it to me one day."

            "Soon. I want to rest, Dad." Tumayo ako at dumiretso sa kama. Napapikit pa ako nang maramdaman ko ang malambot na kutson sa likuran ko. Kahit nasanay na akong sa hospital bed natutulog, iba ang pakiramdam na nasa bahay ako at walang kung sino-sinong tao ang pumapasok sa silid ko.

            Nanatiling nakaupo si Daddy at nakatingin sa akin. Kita ko ang pag-aalala sa mukha niya dahil alam kong alam niya na may nangyari sa akin. Pero tumayo na din siya at tinungo ang pinto.

            "Daddy," tawag ko sa kanya nang buksan niya ang pinto para lumabas. Nagtatanong ang tingin niya sa akin. "I want to learn self-defense. I want to learn how to use a gun."

            Kumunot ang noo niya. "What?"

            "I want that, Dad. Please." Pakiusap ko.

            Alam kong naguguluhan si Daddy sa mga sinasabi ko pero tumango siya at tuluyan nang lumabas.

            Napahinga ako ng malalim at ipinikit ang mga mata ko. But still, those voices, those faces kept on haunting me. Every night, every time I closed my eyes it was still the same. The nightmare kept on repeating in my head over and over. It's been a month since that happened, but it was always fresh in my head.

            I lied to the doctors who were treating me. I lied that I already accepted what happened to me. The wounds, the superficial injuries were all healed. My nose was fixed, and I like the new nose that I got. Better than the original one. I got my new tooth. I lost weight too. So much weight. Natawa ako ng mahina. I've been struggling to lose weight all those years. At least that incident helped me to lose the stupid fats that I always hate.

            I lied to everyone that I am okay because I am not. I knew I will never be okay until those monsters were dead. I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling. Just like before, their faces were still there too.

            I stood up and went to the bathroom and looked at my own reflection in the mirror. I touched my face. Looked at the scars.  I checked my nose. Yes, it was still my face, but I knew there was something different in me. I looked at my eyes and I couldn't see life in there anymore. What was staring back at me were cold dead eyes that wanted something.

            Revenge.

            Nagtagis ang bagang ko habang nanatiling nakatingin sa sarili kong repleksyon. Yes. I wanted revenge. I wanted to see those men crawling on their knees, begging for their life. I wanted them to feel what I felt during those times. I wanted them to feel the nightmare. I wanted them to feel the fear for their life. Every inch of their body would scream in terror. Because that's what I felt when they were raping me and hurting me.

            Nakita kong namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko at tumulo sa pisngi ko. Mabilis kong pinahid iyon. Tinanggal ko ang pagkaka-pony tail ng buhok ko at pinabayaang nakalugay ang mahaba kong buhok. I love my hair. I kept my hair long for years. One of my assets. But I don't think I needed this kind of hair anymore. If people knew what happened to me, they won't care if I have a beautiful face or a beautiful long hair. All they could see in me was the victim of a heinous crime and they would pity me.

            I opened the drawer and I saw a pair of scissors. I took it and looked at it. Then I looked at my reflection. I grabbed my hair and I started to cut my precious locks. I knew men loved women who has long hair. Because women with long hair looked fragile. Soft. And I don't want to be that kind of woman anymore. It would be the other way around. I want to be the kind of woman that those men would not prey on.

            I kept on cutting my hair. Nagkalat ang mga ginupit kong buhok sa sahig. Sige ako gupit hanggang sa maputol iyon nang sobrang igsi. Sa sobrang igsi ay halos hindi ko na makilala ang sarili ko. Bukas ako magpapapunta ng mag-aayos ng buhok ko. Pixie cut was cute. Mukhang babagay naman sa akin ang gupit na iyon.

            Hinubad ko ang suot kong damit at tiningnan ko din ang sarili ko. Naroon pa ang peklat ng tama ng bala sa katawan ko. Sinubukan kong diinan ang nasa dibdib at napa-aray ako. Still painful. Sabi naman ni Doc na sa labas lang daw magaling ito pero internally, hindi pa rin agad na gagaling.

            Iyon na lang naman ang makikita sa katawan ko. Ang dalawang peklat. Wala na ang mga pasa at bugbog noon na nakuha ko sa mga demonyong iyon. Dumiretso ako sa shower at binuksan iyon. Itinapat ko ang katawan sa mainit na tubig. Napapikit ako sa sarap ng pakiramdam. Relaxing. Pinabayaan kong nakababad doon ang katawan ko at nang matapos ay muli akong humarap sa salamin. Napuno ng steam ang buong paligid kaya pinunasan ko ang salamin. Muli ay nakatingin ako sa repleksyon ko.

            I knew those monsters woke up something in me. Something that even me was afraid to face.

            "Elodie Yen Valderama is dead. But her sister is just getting started." Sabi ko sa sarili ko.

            I needed to have a new name. A new identity that was totally different from Elodie.

            Unti-unti ay napapangiti ako habang nakatingin sa sarili ko. For the first time, I smiled like the world was good to me.

            "Hi Evie Marie. That will be the new you." Nanatili akong nakangiti sa sarili ko.

            Evie. That was a nice name.

            And tomorrow, the new Evie will face the world with a smile on her face.