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ℝ𝕖𝕒𝕘𝕒𝕟 𝕂𝕚𝕣𝕚𝕘𝕒𝕟

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I didn't know what I'd expected to feel in the heat of the battle.

A burst of energy, maybe? An insatiable drive to complete my mission. A warm sense of purpose.

But in the end, all I felt was fear as I dodged bullets and Druskelle, fighting neck and neck with Grisha and First Army soldiers, striking each other with bloody fists, pulling swords from their sheathes and ramming each other's faces with the butt of their guns. Red mixed into the upturned snow. Somewhere in the scuffle, I'd been separated from my father.

I pushed through the crowd, my heart beating and my breath catching, almost tripping in the snow. I flinched as a stream of fire shot inches past my head, blocking out cries of pain and the faint scent of burning flesh and gunpowder. A gust of icy wind whipped my hair from my eyes and I winced in the harsh sunlight piercing through the crowd. My ears rang from the tsunami of gunfire and I rose my hands to cover them.

I gasped as a hand grasped my shoulder, pulling me back so hard I fell backwards into the snow. A Drukelle, square body smothered in furs and leather and all sorts of pointed blades, raised the curved edge of an axe high above his head, hissing in Fjerdan, "Demjin Drusje!"

My hand flew up fast, hands touching together to summon a thick wave of darkness that swallowed us both whole. His axe flew down, but in the cover of darkness, I was able to roll away just in time, feeling the gush of air and hearing the crack as it sank into the ice.

My foot kicked out and collided with the back of his knee, I heard him fall, but before he could get his footing again, I was already running, my hands calling forth blinding flashes of light and silky cloaks of darkness.

I could feel the power of the Seawhip hissing in my chest, demanding more than I was willing to give it.

I screamed as somewhere far off a cannon blew, shaking the ground and erupting the earth, sending Grisha and First Army flying. "Sten!" A voice called out above the roar of war, near enough for me to hear, and angry enough for me to stop to find who'd said it.

My heart stopped when I saw him. Jarl Brum. I'd been shown a few sketches of him, but he was even more terrifying in person.

So this was him. The man who'd brought so much suffering to my people. The one I was here to destroy.

Looking at him, I recognised the strong Fjerdan build that Tony had, along with the golden hair - though his was long and pooled over his shoulders and his chin was coated in tiny gold hairs. He wore the uniform of a Druskelle, the black, white and blue helping him become one with his tundra surroundings. He held a long blade in his hands, the silver hilt designed in the shape of a wolf's snarling features.

"Desjenet Senj!" He hissed, spitting the last word.

I knew little Fjerdan- basically none. But I recognised the word 'Senj'. It meant 'Saint'. He knew who I was. Well of course he did! I was the only one dressed in silver, it wouldn't be too hard to guess.

But hearing him say it- knowing that the commander of the Grisha hunters knew who I was, made my boots freeze in place under the snow.

He ran at me, sword aimed directly at my heart. I rose a hand upwards, an arch of piercing light colliding with his sword. The air filled with the hiss of metal. But I stumbled back when I realised it'd failed to shatter the blade and had simply whacked it aside.

It was Fabrikator made.

I gritted my teeth, throwing another swing. He blocked it, the force sending him stumbling back a step. Again and again and again. I cut through the air, the world shifting from dark to light then back again.

The scales on my neck burned as my slashes became more and more violent. Wilder with every downward stroke, until finally the sword went flying from the Fjerdan's hand and he was on his back in the snow. A cut of light had seared through his leg, and he gripped it, moaning in pain and glaring daggers my way.

I stood above him, casting him in my own shadow, my chest heaving as I stared into those cold, cruel eyes. I spat on the ground near his feet.

Behind me, I heard the cry as two Fjerdan soldiers ran at me, I turned just as a blade of darkness sliced through them and they fell to four pieces in the snow. My father stood not far off, hand still extended as he walked towards me- looking like a shadow himself in his dark kefta.

His eyes, void of colour and mercy, drifted to Commander Brum, still lying in pain in the snow, slowly turning red from his own blood. "Well done, my son," he panted, gaze still trained on the Fjerdan as he spoke. "Now... End this."

I inhaled a breath, wincing as the cold air, sharp with shards of ice and ash, seeped through my lungs. I rose my hands, forming two curving arcs, like crescent moons, in front of me. I held them steady, watching them shake with hungry anticipation, like greyhounds waiting to be set off-leash.

Ahead of me, I saw the distant flash of blue and red as Tony fought a Druskelle, the two so identical in their pale, blonde features that if it weren't for the kefta it might have been impossible to tell them apart.

Tony tripped the Druskelle, landing them on their back. Her rose a hand, already set alight and ready to burn him. But at the last second, he stopped. His breath fogged his face as he swung his foot, kicking him in the head and knocking him out. Leaving him unconscious, and relatively unscathed.

I could hear my heart in my head, thumping in fast and frenzied rhythms as my arms tensed, ready to come down and finish this hundred-year-old war. My eyes met with that of the Druskelle lying in front of me. He was proud and stubborn, ready to accept his fate as he sneered at me, spitting in the snow. "Son of Apocalypse!"

You are no saint, boy.

The memory of Baghra's voice hit me like a nightmare. 

You're a frightened child! 

You cling to your power because you're terrified of feeling weak again.

My breath caught in my chest. The pounding of my heart growing unbearable.

You're afraid of not being in control. 

But while you've been trying to control the world around you, you've lost yourself in the process. 

Soon you'll lose everyone else around you.

My lips parted to reveal gritted teeth, from behind which I growled. Frustration, fear and anger built up into one almighty sound.

Come back when you've become the Reagan the world needs.

My arms fell in a swift, familiar motion. 

An almighty hissed filled the air as shadow and light burnt through the ice, missing the Fjerdan by a few inches, maybe less.

"Reagan..."

It was only when he spoke that I remembered he was standing right behind me, looming and watching, his hue-less eyes staring at the Fjerdan; still intact and still breathing before me.

"Reagan," he spoke, his whisper turning low and dark as his eyes slowly lifted to meet mine. A cold feeling settled on me- and it wasn't from the air. "Finish the job."

I glanced at my hands, bare and pale, letting them fall limply to my sides. They would not be raised again.

"No."

"No," he repeated, speaking the word incredulously as if he couldn't believe it.

"I won't do it," I said. "I won't hurt him. I won't let us become the very thing they think we are." I took a step, turning my body to stand between him and Commander Brum, blocking him from his gaze. This was between me and him. 

"Reagan," my father spoke, drifting closer, his demeanour meant to comfort a confused and frightened child. 

But I wasn't confused anymore. Perhaps even for the first time in a long time, I felt completely sure of myself. Of my choice. Of the path I'd chosen... even if it led me away from him. But it still terrified me.

It took all my strength not to shy any step out of the way as he neared closer, a shadow amongst the whiteness of the valley.

"Reagan," he repeated, "you must understand, mercy will do nothing here."

"I won't let us become the monsters."

"The world will always be filled with monsters," he said. "You may spare him now, but he will never see as anything other than a monster. A freak of nature... Something to destroy." He crouched down in front of me, hand moving to touch the place where the golden scales had been melded to my skin. "I've lived a thousand lives, Reagan. I've seen kingdoms rise and fall, and today will be no different."

My mouth opened but he cut me off, his other hand raised to hold my shoulder, keeping me steady.

"You and I are the only ones powerful enough to change this world. There will be no safety for Grisha so long as the Fjerdans draw breath. Help me save our people." 

Hand still on my shoulder, he turned me to face the Druskelle, still lying injured and bleeding in the snow. I looked into his clear blue eyes, filled with so much venom, and pulled away from my father's grip.

"No," I gasped. "I won't do it."

My father watched me, eyes boring into mine, trying to figure me out. Trying to understand what had changed. "Who put these words in your mouth?" My eyes drifted away and his expression soured. "Baghra," he hissed, shaking his head as if wanting to deny it. "Not you too."

"I won't be the villain today."

"Villains," he scoffed, his patience burning away like kindling. "You are still a child, Reagan. The world isn't split between heroes and villains, but those who will do whatever it takes to protect the ones they love."

"Isn't that what they're doing?" I asked, gesturing to Brum and the rest of the Druskelle. "Fighting for their loved ones, against their enemy." The general shook his head, shoving past me to the Fjerdan. As he did, I reached out, taking his arm in my hands and holding onto it. 

"Please Dad!" I cried, and he stopped. "Don't make us something to fear... Make us the solution. Help us to be better than them." His head turned ever so slightly to look at me, his jaw hard and set. "Help me take down the Fold." He pulled his arm away. 

"Dad," I pleaded, running along beside him, "if we take down the Fold together they'll see us for who we really our. We won't be their enemy anymore."

"We've been enemies long before the Fold. Nothing will change that," he growled, coming to a stop a few feet from the Fjerdan, the wicked curved line of shadow forming before him. "You are still young, Reagan. But you will learn, as I did."

"Stop!" I cried as the cut surged forward. My hand rose and a matching surge of light collided with his. The force put me on my back and my father skidded back, only just keeping his balance. The look he gave me no longer held any patience and tenderness, all signs of that were gone.

"You promised," he breathed, standing tall above me, "that you'd fight by my side. Like she did. And I trusted you." His hand pointed to my chest, to the row of scales merged into the base of my neck. "I trusted you enough to believe you could handle the Seawhip's power. That you were ready for what had to be done. I let you claim it all for yourself- I wasn't going to force your hand. Yet now, you turn on me as well."

I shook my head as the snow soaked my clothes and I shivered. "I didn't want to," I breathed heavily. "I didn't want to." He turned away from me and I fought to keep my voice steady. "Dad, please. Don't do this." I scrambled to my feet, taking his hand again, trying to pull him back. "Dad, please. Let's just go home."

"Let go Reagan," he said, not looking at me.

"Please."

He continued to look away, teeth bared. "Reagan," he said, his voice suddenly a warning.

"Please, I just want to go home. To Mum." Before I could react, a swirling mass of shadow emerged between us. One of my father's shadow monsters. The nichevo'ya. I hadn't seen one in so long. It reeked of forbidden magic.

It swung at me, throwing me away and standing between me and my father. "Dad, stop!" I cried. "She wouldn't want this! This isn't the only way!" Without thinking of the consequences, I ran at him. The nichevo'ya snatched me up, holding me in the air, yet not moving to hurt me. I thrashed in its grip.

"Reagan!"

I gasped as I spotted Tony running from the corner of my eye. A stream of fire struck the shadow creature's side, causing it no harm It hissed at him. I cried out, legs kicking. "Tony, stop him!"

Tony looked to my father, facing the Fjerdan soldier, his cut formed and ready to be thrown, but was interrupted by a ball of fire as it lit his cloak. He threw it off, whirling around in shock at the Inferni as he clicked his fingers, sparking the flint and steel built into his gloves and falling into a defensive stance.

"Traitorous child," he growled, hand raised.

I writhed in the creature's grip, fingers trying to peel the darkness away. "No Dad! Dad! No, stop! Dad please!" Another nichevo'ya emerged from the ground, hurling towards Tony. "Tony!" I screamed as it collided with him, devouring him in darkness. I heard his cries as panicked bursts of fire struck the air uselessly. "No!"

I felt the chill rise from my skin as a sudden heat rushed through my lungs. The soul and power of the Seawhip hissed and snarled within me, coming out in a searing light that devoured the shadow creatures, both of them.

I fell to the ground, landing steadily on my feet.

I ran over to Tony's body, lying limp in the snow. There was a giant gash down one side of his face and he was bleeding from a cut at his hip, but he still managed to smile when he saw me crouching over him. 

"Hey Starboy," he murmured. "You look like shit."

"Saints," I swore, assessing the damage. "I'm so sorry."

"Shh," he hushed with a smirk, "relax, I'm fine. I've survived worse." He tried sitting up, failing and falling down on his back again. "Yeah no," he winced. "That was a lie. But have I told you about that one time I was undercover-"

"I love you," I said, laughter mixing with the strength it took not to cry as I gripped his hand. "But this really isn't the time for it."

"Then go make us some time," he coughed, weakly pushing me away. "Don't worry. I'll be right here when you're done." I kissed the back of his hand, rising to my feet, fist clenched. My father was standing across from me, chest heaving slightly. By now, Brum had limped off, but that didn't seem to bother him anymore. 

"Reagan," he began, a hint of something that could've been regret in his voice, but I cut him off.

"I'm not angry," I said. "Because I've spent too long searching for you to lose you now. But Dad, this has to stop!"

"Then help me stop it," he replied. "Reagan, I thought you of all people would understand what it was like to be hated just for being different."

"I do understand that," I said, boots crunching on the snow as I walked towards him, standing barely a foot apart. I rose my hands to look at them. Light was still thrumming through me, so bright I could see it travelling through my veins, warming my skin. 

He watched it too, lips parted in admiration.

"But unlike you," I breathed gently. "I understand what it's like to feel powerless too. To not understand yourself. To feel worthless. To live in fear, wondering when the next bully will round the corner." I lifted my chin a little, hands touching the Seawhip's scales. "I won't be like them. I won't be the next bully."

I offered my hand to him then, shadow now joining the light as it coursed through me. To sides of the same fight. An inner war finally ending and finding peace. "I'm going to be better than them." He stared at it, the sounds of the battle fading around us.

"I want to change this world... And I want to change it with you," I said. "I need you."

He inhaled, his body tensing at the words as if he'd never imagined to hear them out loud. His own inner war continued to rage within him, but his hand slid into mine.

"Dad," I murmured, fingers tightening around his. "Let's end this... My way."

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Hey Readers!

I'm glad to be posting again and I just wanted to say
 how grateful I am for all of you and all the
kind words you've been leaving.

It truly means the world to me to know that people enjoy 
my work and that the Shadow and Bone community is such a
kind, open and accepting space.

Also, can I just say how much I loved the new season this year!

SPOILER WARNING!!!

Like, I don't even care that they change up the ending a bit!

I'm glad that Aline didn't lose her powers- as I was never really
 a fan of that ending and I'm interested to see where it will all go now,
especially after her display during the coronation, if you know what I mean.

Though I am upset they never explored the white hair look as I was so looking forward to that girl boss moment.

And even though Aleksander ended up dying at the end,
if you've read the Rule of Wolves series you know the
chances of it staying that way are very slim.
So I'm excited to see that.

Also, the Kaz/Inej fandom got fed this season!
Like I was literally screaming with joy the whole time they were on screen!
And Wesper will always have my heart <3

Anyways, enough ranting now!