Ishir is here.

Ishir is in my house.

Ishir is sitting across from me eating a salad.

Ishir is looking hot.

And I need help.

Mom invited him and his family for dinner, we do this almost every month at least twice, and if there are any special occasions it becomes more than twice a month.

I decided to put a pause on talking to him "plan" because first I needed to figure out what I would say, cause whenever he is around words seem to escape me, and I always make a fool out of myself so this time I will write it down and maybe memorize it before blabbering like an idiot.

Simran suggested it is a bad idea but I need to get this out of my system. We kissed for god's sake I am not saying he was my first kiss or anything but still it is kind of a big deal for me given I have a crush on him and everything.

Also, it will be easier if my stupid ass brain and heart think Ishir hates me and he hated the kiss, also that he will never repeat that.

"So, Ishir how's work?" My Dad asks.
"It's good, Uncle. We have some plans to expand our business so working on those for now" Ishir says his eyes shifting from Dad to me.

Don't look at me like that.

Why is he looking at me?

"Close your mouth, Alani" My brother whispers. And I realized he was looking at me because I probably look like a dumbass staring at him like some weirdo who wants to kiss him again.

Argh. This kiss again. I need to get a lobotomy maybe that can help me erase these thoughts and weird tingling feelings.

"Uh...um excuse me," I said fumbling with the empty plate. Akash followed me to the kitchen. Everyone was done with dinner so I decided to wash the dishes, one less chore for Mom.

"You need to stop being so obvious," Akash says.
"I don't know what are you talking about Akash". I know very well what is he talking about. Akash found out about my crush on Ishir a few months back and I have already warned him not to talk about it yet he always does. I am so surprised he doesn't have a problem with me liking Ishir but again they have a very weird relationship so can't say much.

"Oh, you know well, Alani" he teases again.
"Shut up" I punch him hard on his forearm which doesn't affect him.
"You know you have been acting more weird around him since the party. Did something happen?" Akash asks arching his eyebrow at me.
"No" my voice came out a little squeaky. Knowing I have a crush on Ishir is one thing but if Akash finds out we kissed he might kill Ishir and it will make things bad for our families too which I don't want.

"Did you confess, Ani?" Akash says sitting on the countertop.
"No. And can we please stop talking about it?" I said pleading. If Akash probes further he will find out what happened at the party cause I am a liar but not that good one.

"Not until you tell me what is going on with you". My brother can be stubborn sometimes and I hate it.
"Nothing is going on. You know he makes me nervous and that is all" I said trying to keep my calm but all I want is to get out of there and hide under my blanket in the room.

"Okay, fine. I believe you for now". Finally. I stepped out of the kitchen and went to the garden, our parents were still at the table discussing something.

Luckily Akash didn't follow me. Pulling up the audible app on my phone I resumed the book.

But again my moment with Dante and Vivian was interrupted this time by a certain someone I want to avoid for the rest of my life.

"What are you doing out here?" Ishir asked sitting down beside me on the grass.

Why is he here? Also, this is my house I can do whatever I want, wherever I want to sit.

I narrowed my eyes at him, Ishir doesn't do the small talk because he sucks at it so that means he is here to talk to me. Maybe about the kiss. Shit!

"Nothing". I said keeping my phone back in my pocket.

"Listen, Alani, about that kiss..." he trails off rubbing the back of his neck. Is Ishir nervous? No, he is embarrassed.
"What about it?" I asked trying to keep myself in control but my heart was beating like crazy.
Ishir looks at me his eyes stilled on my face as if trying to read my face but I assure you that he will not be getting any reaction out of me. I hope.

A moment passes before I continue.

"Ishir you don't have to worry about it. I am not going to talk about it to anyone and it won't happen again." I said beating him to it. Before he says he is embarrassed by it I will end the conversation which is better for both of us.

"Anyway, it was a mistake, right?" It came out like a question I know to which he will agree but a part of me wants him to say that it wasn't a mistake and he wants to kiss me again.

Shut the hell up. I want to punch myself so that some sense can be knocked in.

"Yeah, right," he says. And if I guessed it right he kinda looked pissed or maybe I am reading too much between the lines.

"Are you mad about it?" I asked. Can't you keep your mouth shut?
"Mad about what?" he was standing now and for the first time, he seemed so tall.
"About what happened between us" my tone came out a little bit rude.

"You said it yourself it was a mistake so I don't see any reason for me to get mad or anything". He says this but his eyes are telling me something different, and the way he was looking at me right now made heat rush up to my cheeks.

We both kept quiet for a moment because I didn't know what to say next. Though my mind was screaming the words at me "It's not a mistake, and I want you to kiss me again", it was better to keep them buried down because I was not ready for his response to those words.

"Yes, you are right," I said and got up to face him clearing my throat because that sounded high-pitchy.

I was about to walk away from there trying to grasp the conversation but Ishir held my wrist.

"Alani" his voice so low it did something to my heart and also to my stomach. Internally I was screaming like a banshee.

"Do you seriously regret the kiss?" Ishir looks at me and a chill runs down my spine. What is he doing? Why is he looking at me like that? Why does he want to continue this conversation?
"Do you?" I threw a question because I didn't want to answer.

And now we were playing the staring game, and my heart was jumping up and down. I was also scared that anyone could come outside and see us like this. There will be a lot of questions about the situation which I don't think I can answer. He looms over me, his fingertips latching themselves around my waist and I am closed between his arms.

No. What is he doing? Is he trying to get some kind of reaction out of me?

"Don't answer me with another question" his eyes turned all dark and intense just like that night. He leans in I can feel his minty breath on my lips.

"Wildflower". He only calls me that to tease me even though he knows how much I hate him calling me this. Fighting to keep my heart and my body under control I inhaled sharply before getting out of his death hold around my waist.

"I don't know what games you are playing here Ishir, but stop looking at me like that," I said sternly.
"Like what, Wildflower?" that damn name, I hate it.
"Like you want to kiss me". There I said it. And now I was freaking out I need to learn to keep some control over my mouth.
"What if I want to?" He says with a slow smirk playing on his lips.

Why the hell is he so tall?

"It happened once and it won't happen again," I said taking a step back.
"So you are saying you don't want me to kiss you" he was teasing me. Asshole knows he makes me nervous.

"Yes". I have to be firm and stand my ground or else I will do something which will only end up me being in regret.
"You know what I think, Wildflower, I think you want me to kiss you" he smiles, amusement reaching his eyes. He is enjoying this, seeing me like this.
"Well, you are highly wrong about it and I am done with this conversation" With that I walked away from Ishir and the stupid feeling he was making me feel while standing so close to him.

Shit! Does he know that I like him? If he knows that I like him it will be a huge problem. Having crushes is so exhausting.

I need to distract myself before I pull out all my hair.

I opened up my Instagram and there was a notification. Ishir has just sent me a request on Instagram. Oh man, am I in trouble? It sure feels like it.

——————«•»——————

"He did what?" Simran yells. We need to do something about her talking like this. It always gains so much attention and I am trying to keep it low.
"It's not a big deal, Simran. It's just a request on Instagram" I said dryly. She arches her brow at me.
"Oh come on, you know anything from Ishir is a big deal to you so don't try to play it down". She is right. But I am trying to keep it cool and make a deal out of it. I still haven't accepted his request.

"Let's just not talk about Ishir for now," I said trying to focus on the chai, the weather was amazing today so Simran and I decided to treat ourselves to some chai and pakodas.

I don't want to think about him or talk about him. He has taken up enough space as it is already. This is supposed to be a harmless crush but lately, it is becoming so much more than that.
And that kiss, yesterday's night interaction didn't help me it feels like all I have been doing is thinking about Ishir and the things he should do to me or I could do to him when I should be focusing on my studies or like losing some weight.

My cousins wedding dates are getting closer and I haven't been doing anything about it yet. I pushed aside the plate of pakodas and sipped on my chai.

"What happened?" Simran asks with her eyes narrowed at me.
"I need to lose some, Simran and if I keep eating such stuff I will never lose weight," I said.
"Dude you look perfect just the way you are" Simran's words of affirmation bounce off of me because I know the reality of how ugly I look probably one of the reasons no guy wants to be with me after all Samrat broke up with me saying he was too embarrassed to be with me and that people made fun of him.

I don't even remember the first someone commented on my weight, but it has latched in my mind like some demon possession, I have tried to lose some weight but it's like even the water makes me gain weight.

I went for a run this morning but I need to quit on so many things if I need to fit in the clothes.

"I don't, Simran and you know that," I said my head hung low fiddling with the bracelet I was wearing on my wrist which had been there for years, it was a gift from Papa.
"Dude I swear you need to stop getting people to get to you like this. You are freaking beautiful and you should own it" she says keeping her hand on mine I give her a weak smile but a little voice at the back of my mind yelling "ugly" too loud for me to hear.

——————«•»——————

So here is another update.

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