Fuck!

I can't believe I kissed Ishir Gaba.

A lot of things were on my resolution list for this New Year, but kissing Ishir wasn't one of them. I was freaking out right now, I want anything that can take my mind off the kiss.

The way his lips felt against mine, I won't lie that I haven't imagined how it would feel to kiss him but I only wanted it to stay as a fragment of my imagination or in my dreams. I was not ready to face this reality, it was too much for me to handle.

I gulped down the whole water bottle I had in my bag, and yet I was feeling breathless and thirsty. My stomach is a whole damn zoo right now, and I can hear my heart beating in my ears. I kept one of my hands on my chest to calm my nerves but nothing was helping.

Am I seriously having a panic attack right now?

I took some deep breaths to calm myself. But the tingling feeling on my lips was distracting, along with a wild heart beating, I traced my lips with my forefinger closing my eyes and thinking about what just happened moments ago.

My mind is completely clouded by Ishir's thoughts, his hands around my body, his lips, his hand around my neck. I could still taste the aftertaste of the cigarette he smoked a while back.

What am I going to do now? It's not like we can go back as if nothing happened. I have to see him every day through the window of my room if not some or the other way we will face each other perks of him being my neighbor.

Oh, I wish our kiss didn't happen at all.

Stop lying to yourself.

How will I face him? And why does my stupid heart feel so weird right now? I mean I know the reason for that but why is my body acting so weird right now?

I should've never come to this party. I knew it was a bad idea to agree with Simran for this party.

"Ani, what are you doing out here?" I heard Simran calling out.
"Regretting my decision to come to this party" I blurted out.
"What? I thought you were enjoying". Simran says sitting down on the ground with me.
"I was until..." I trailed off not sure how to tell her about the kiss.

"Until what?" She questions, and I can see curiosity swirling in her eyes.
"Until Ishir kissed me" I blurt out and met with silence.

Simran's face said it all. I didn't have to ask her.

"How? When? Where?" She asked.
"A while back. When you were busy talking to Nishant" I replied, looking down at my hands which were trembling. Nishant is one of Ishir's friends, we were introduced at one of the parties thrown by Ishir's family.

I wonder what Ishir is thinking right now. Is he having these conflicting emotions like me? Or am I overreacting?

God! This is so frustrating. A part of me liked the way he kissed me and another part of me wanted to wipe every imprint he left on my body and my heart.

"Wow! I leave you for like five minutes and this happens" Simran says laughing her ass off.
"Shut the hell up, Simran. I am freaking out here and you want to laugh at my situation" I slapped across her arm and she winces in response.
"I'm sorry. But this is funny. You kissed the guy you have a crush on so it is a big deal" she yells receiving another slap from me because if anyone hears this it will be a huge problem for me.

I have had a crush on Ishir forever, even though he is older than me but that never stopped my stupid heart from feeling things for him. And he looks at me like I don't know...but it does something strange to my heart.

"How will I face him?" I groan hiding my face in my palms.
"Deflecting is the easiest way" Simran suggests. Deflecting is not easy especially when we live next door, and when he is so much involved with my family.

"I'm going home" I stated getting up. I will not go back inside the house and act as if nothing happened. Anyway, I have my project to work on, I have already missed the deadline.
"Why?" Simran pouts, following me around.
"Because I am done with this party, and I have work to do" I replied trying to book an auto for me, because walking back at this hour in Delhi is not an option.

"But you can't leave me" Simran takes away my phone sliding it into her jeans pocket.
"You will anyway go with Nishant. Also, it's way past my curfew, Dad will already be mad at me" I said taking my phone back.

"You are right. Nishant can drop both of us" she suggested.
"You know how Papa feels about him dropping me home" I replied in a duh tone. Simran is very well aware of how my Dad is about guys dropping me home, there are only three men he trusts around me, my brother Akash, himself, and Ishir for some reason.

"So, do you want me to ask Ishir to drop you home?" Simran teases knowing well that she will get punched in her face if she brings his name again.
"Stop it. I am going on my own." I typed in the address.
"Okay, text me once you reach home. And share your live location. Also, if the driver seems shady call Chachu" she rambles in one breath. She calls my Dad, Chachu.

"And you call me once you leave from here and call once you have reached. Also, don't stay too long" I hugged her and left as my auto was here.

I opened up my Instagram posting pictures I clicked in college, my photography account is gaining some attention finally after months of struggle, all thanks to Akash, who has taught me how social media works, him being the social media genius. I still can not believe my brother owns a company, I just hope I am half as good as him then I will be able to achieve my dreams as well.

I reached home and I was freaking out by the time I reached. Slipping in the keys into the front door and turned the lock quietly. The house was dark except for a soft light coming from the dining room. I'd told my parents about the party and had promised to be home by eleven, but it was well past twelve. I took a deep breath, knowing I was about to face the music.

As I walked into the dining room, I saw my parents sitting at the table, their expressions a mix of worry and relief. My father, Arun, looked up first, his eyes narrowing slightly. He was still in his work clothes, the neat lines of his suit slightly wrinkled. My mother, Leela, was beside him, her face softening when she saw me.

"Alani, you're late," my father said, his voice stern but controlled.

"I'm sorry," I replied, slipping into the seat across from them. "The party ran longer than I expected." Also, your daughter kissed someone so there was a freakout session, but can not say that, right?

Dad sighed, running a hand through his graying hair. "You know we worry about you. It's not safe to be out this late."
My mother reached over and squeezed my hand gently. "We trust you, Alani, but you need to keep us informed. We just want you to be safe."

I nodded, feeling a pang of guilt. My parents had always been protective, especially my father. Dad was a successful businessman, running a chain of electronics stores across Delhi. His work ethic was unparalleled, and he had always been strict with me and my brother, Akash. He believed in discipline and responsibility, values he tried hard to instill in us.

My mother, Leela, had been a schoolteacher before she decided to stay home and take care of us. She was the epitome of warmth and patience, balancing out my father's strictness with her nurturing nature.

Then there was Akash, my older brother by three years. He was the golden child, brilliant and ambitious. He owned a successful social media marketing company. Despite his busy schedule, Akash always made time for me, offering advice and support whenever I needed it.

"I am sorry," I said, looking between my parents. "I should have called to let you know I'd be late."

"We just want you to be responsible, because we don't want you to lose focus from the commitments you have," Dad says, his expression softened a bit.

"Anyway, are you hungry?" Mom asks. "We have saved you some dinner".

As I waited for my dinner to be served, Dad retired to his room, and Akash walked in still dressed casually from his evening out.

"Late night, Alani?" he teased, dropping into the seat next to me. "You're not giving Mom and Dad a heart attack, are you?"

I rolled my eyes but smiled. "Just a little one, I think."

Mom served me the food the aroma of amazing dal and sabzi hitting my senses and I dived right in getting a little chuckle from Akash and Mom both.

"Don't forget to clean up after" Mom says kissing me on my temple and going to her room.

As soon as Mom was out of earshot Akash scooched in "So how was the party?"
"It was the usual" I replied dryly. Even though my brother is aware of the little crush on Ishir I can not tell him about the kiss he will kill him.
"And did you happen to meet Meera?" Akash asks, about Nishant's sister who he likes but from my gossip session with Simran I got to know that she is dating some guy from her office.

"You know I'm too uncool for her," I said digging in the food. Anyway, she is older than me and what would I talk to her about, shoes, boys? I do that already with Simran.

"You know she is dating someone from her office," I said finishing up the rest of the food and walking toward the kitchen to wash the dishes.
"What? How do you know this?" Akash follows behind.
"Simran told me. And she probably got to know from Nishant" I replied focusing on scrubbing the dishes.

Akash was quiet for a moment.

"Akash, I don't think she is the right person for you anyway," I said. I don't know but I don't get good vibes from her. She always acts like a South Delhi kind of girl all the time and thinks every guy in the room is in love with her.

"You will find someone better" I continued not getting a response from him. Wow! Is he really that bummed by the information that Meera is dating someone else?

"Yeah, I know" he finally says.

After finishing up cleaning I went to my room and Akash decided to stay up as he did some work.

I quickly took a shower, which I don't want to do in this cold weather but can't sleep in like this.  I have to take a shower before getting into bed.

My phone buzzes again with a text from Simran asking if she should consider dating Nishant. God! Here we go again. I have told this woman to be careful around this guy and she never listens. This phase of dating Nishant keeps coming back every other month. Last month, she said she would never date him and here she is asking me again.

I replied No in caps.

She was quick to reply asking how I was doing with all that happened earlier at the party.

I stood in front of a full-length mirror, scrutinizing my reflection. I turned sideways sucking in my stomach, and frowned. I couldn't help but feel dissatisfied. My fingers pinched at the soft flesh around my waist, and a sigh escaped my lips.

The loud ringing of my phone pulls me out of my thoughts, it is my cousin Katha.

"Alani, how are you?" she yells through the phone.
"Good. How are you, Katha?" I asked. She only calls me when she wants something or wants to bitch about someone. Katha and I aren't that close but we keep in touch.

"Good. I called you to ask what are you wearing for Shagun's engagement". Oh God! I completely forgot I have to buy something for Shagun Di's engagement also.
"Haven't thought about it yet" I replied, whilst opening my laptop.
"So decide soon, and go on a diet we all need to look perfect for Shagun and Abira's wedding," Katha says in a happy tone but I could sense the taunt underlying in the way she says it.

Well, I shouldn't be surprised with this comment. Everyone in my family thinks I should lose some weight and for that, God knows how many different ways I have been told about.

"Yeah. Katha, I have some work, so let's talk later" I hung up the call without waiting for her response.

A tear escapes.

Why do I always feel like this? I wondered, my mind drifting to the images of perfectly toned women plastered all over social media. It seemed like everyone else had it figured out—how to look flawless, how to maintain the perfect body. And here I was, constantly battling with my self-image.

I turned away from the mirror, feeling a lump in my throat. I hated that I felt this way. Simran always tells me that I am beautiful and that I don't need to change a thing about myself. But those compliments always felt hollow when I couldn't believe in myself.

I sat on the edge of my bed, running a hand through my hair. It was exhausting, this constant battle with my body image. Part of me knew I was being too hard on myself, that I should focus on being healthy rather than trying to fit some ideal. But the other part couldn't let go of the desire to be thinner, to finally feel like I was enough.

I picked up my phone and installed a fitness app, maybe Badi Maa is right I should start doing some intense workout and follow a strict diet.

Maybe this time I'll stick to it and lose some weight by the time of Abira Di's wedding. After entering my details I put my phone down trying to shake off the negativity that always seems to linger around.

——————«•»——————

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