Bring on the feels! >:3

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The next several months fell into a pattern of sorts, and things never truly got better for Eren. He faked a smile that Levi saw right through nearly every time. He kept to himself more than normal and rarely offered up any information when Levi sat him down to ask him about his day. He said nothing more than a quiet "fine" or "okay" before falling silent or changing the subject, which was rare.

And yet, in spite of himself, he always asked Levi how he was doing the way he had every day, practically since the first time he got out of rehab. Levi did his best to keep his answers honest - he was okay, he had a pretty good day, he'd had better days, or that he was having a shitty day himself - but what he wouldn't tell Eren was that he, too, was suffering day by day as he watched Eren's depression consume him more and more.

And he knew it was only getting worse when, on the days that were worse for Levi, his reactions went from talking to him about it and doing what he could to help him feel better, to less talking and attempting comfort in a more physical way, and then to saying nothing more than, "I'm here if you want to talk."

It was gradual - a painfully slow process - but Levi could feel his Eren slipping away from him. He continued to go through the motions - get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner (on occasion; it endlessly worried Levi how little he was eating), stare blankly at the television for a few hours before dragging himself up the stairs to curl up in bed and stare blankly at the wall for a few more, getting maybe three or four hours of sleep.

It would've been a lie to say Charlotte was immune to it, oblivious to what was unfolding in her family. She couldn't pretend not to notice - not when her Daddy was in so much pain and when it was affecting her Papa so greatly. It hurt to see them both so miserable, to see the change in their behavior, both in general and especially toward each other. Where they used to cuddle up on the couch with a movie after dinner while she sat at the other end of the couch with her homework or for the movie, too, they both now sat stiffly, not touching, neither of them truly paying attention to the show. Where they'd always greet each other with loving looks and kisses after one walked in the door, there were now quipped 'hey's. There wasn't any anger, but it almost felt like there was no longer any love, either. And because of it, she felt lost. Any effort to talk to either of them - especially Eren - felt fruitless, like throwing pebbles at a brick wall and expecting it to crumble to pieces.

It wasn't until one night after school during a long session of studying for her final exams that she realized how bad things truly were - when the fight happened.

It was only once, but it was so sudden and intense that it scared her half to death. She'd been sitting calmly in the dining room with a couple of books and her notebook spread out in front of her when the muffled sound of Levi's voice elevated into a harsher, louder tone. She'd stopped what she was doing short, right in the middle of writing the letter 'k' and stiffened, afraid of what she thought she was hearing.

Not long after, Eren's voice joined as well, until they were cutting each other off and trying to make a point, angry.

In the end, she didn't even truly know what the argument was about. She'd spared herself just enough time to shut her books, stack them, gather them into her arms and slip upstairs, blocking out the sound of their voices especially as she passed the scene of the fight. All she gathered in the split second of being in the same room was that Eren was seated on one end of the couch while Levi stood at the other facing him, and he'd been pissed.

Charlotte had shut the door to her room and twisted the lock, tossing her books on her bed and sitting in the corner, hugging her knees. They weren't yelling, but they were loud enough for her to hear muffled words that she both strained to make out but didn't want to hear at the same time.

And once it was over, she cried. Cried until she fell asleep, right there on the floor.

After that night, her parents began sleeping separately. Levi resigned himself to the full bed in his workroom while Eren, for the first week, stayed on the couch. Charlotte had woken up several times that week for a bathroom break only to hear the soft sounds of the television drifting up the stairs. The one time she crept down to find her daddy curled up on one end, his eyes had been droopy but he wasn't asleep. They'd focused on the television, but something about him looked so, so broken.

She stayed away from the living room at night after that, blocking out the thoughts of what she knew in her heart was happening, denying the truth of what internally, she feared to come.

Nights were long, lonely, and cold for Levi as he curled himself up under the unfamiliar covers of the spare bed. They smelled like laundry soap instead of Eren, and he could only rely on his own body heat to warm them up, which never proved to be enough. Without Eren just an arm's length away, it was difficult to sleep soundly. He woke up every few hours only to toss and turn until his body, exhausted from the emotional hurricane and the physical demand of everyday life, forced him back into slumber, into dreams of nothingness.

When things got bad for him - throwing up or having inevitable flashbacks - Eren remained at his side as he always had, but Levi couldn't deny it felt so much less personal, less intimate. He felt lonelier than ever.

Months continued to pass by bleakly. They had their better days that usually occurred on Eren's better days, when his depression seemed to take a nosedive only to burst right back out of the water, almost even stronger than before. Those were the days he tried to hold Levi's hand again under the dinner table or as the three of them settled down for a movie night, trying to lace some normalcy back into their lives. The days when his smile wasn't so plastic. The days Levi hoped that finally, finally he was pulling out of this terrible slump only for his hope to be smothered out when that little bit of light that had returned to his eyes had faded out again the next morning.

And Eren was no fool to what he was putting his family, the people he loved most, through. He could see how fed up Levi was becoming with his depressive state and he took immediate notice to how much Charlotte stayed away from the house while she could - at practice, at a friend's, getting after school help she probably didn't need...

He hated himself for it. A dark, dense cloud hovered over him, feeding off of his negative energy and draining him of his life, growing stronger and more potent by the second. He lost interest in things he used to feel passion for. He went through the motions and kept his focus solely on the scientific side of things when meeting with clients, but it all felt so meaningless. So mundane. So useless. He felt defeated.

In the beginning, he knew the initial trigger had been Lynne's death - the suicide he couldn't prevent. The girl he failed to protect from herself. The girl who struggled with the very same thing that haunted him now.

But five months after the fact and he only felt worse. Reading her journal didn't help; in finding out things about her she had never spoken aloud to him and, according to her written words, no one else, he only felt more like a failure for her, like he hadn't been trustworthy enough in her eyes to tell him these things. He'd known about her history with anorexia, but he hadn't known she was closeted as an asexual and homoromantic (or so she thought, as she'd written, from the research she'd done), or how because of this, many relationships in her past had failed and left her bleeding.

These things only spread to the rest of his life, and he was convinced he wasn't good enough for anyone.

As a result, he was put on leave from work. It was no surprise his supervisor had noticed his dramatic, although gradual, change in behavior over the past five months, and he couldn't say he was shocked when she notified him that he would be on leave until further notice, and that she'd keep in contact with him to see how he was doing until then.

But the worst part was breaking the news to Levi. When the man found him home early on a Monday, he was more than a little confused.

"I was put on leave," Eren told him quietly from his place on the couch without daring to meet his eyes.

"For how long?" Levi asked, his voice monotonous.

"Further notice," was all Eren said.

"...unpaid leave, right?" It sounded like Levi was speaking through his teeth, and the knot in Eren's chest constricted further, the way it did whenever he knew Levi was mad at him, or suffering because of his petty depression.

Eren gave one small nod. The raven sighed and ran a swift hand through his hair. He said nothing more before clomping up the stairs, leaving Eren in the silence of the living room to stare at his knees, feeling more worthlessness and self-hatred than ever.

Two weeks later, the hardest blow of all came. Eren would be lying if he said he didn't see it coming, but it still agonized him like no other to hear the words out loud.

Despite everything, he never forgot to ask his husband the thing he did every day since coming home from rehab all those years ago.

"How are you today, Levi?" he asked from the kitchen doorway, watching as Levi was filling a glass of water for himself.

The raven stopped and set the glass down, shaking his head but not turning to face the other. "Do you want the truth?" he asked in a low tone.

"Yes," Eren said softly.

"I'm terrible, Eren. I'm fucking awful. You know why?"

"No..."

"Because of this." He finally turned around, gesturing around him. "Because this place hardly feels like home anymore. Because it barely feels like family anymore. Because I've tried so hard for so long to help you and get you to talk to me only to be shut out from all the shit I know you're feeling. Because we're sleeping in separate rooms, because Charlotte doesn't even want to be here more than she has to because we're terrible to be around. Because you haven't left the house in, what, a week at least? Because we rarely talk or do anything together anymore...because this doesn't feel like a marriage anymore, Eren."

By then, Eren's eyes were fixed on the floor, his arms crossed tightly. It hurt in unimaginable ways, the things Levi was saying and even more so knowing they were true, and knowing it was completely his fault.

And yet, he knew there was nothing he could say to change what was happening, what had been happening for a long time. Apologizing would only make it worse - he could feel it.

"What...should I do?" he managed shakily.

"That's part of the problem, Eren...I don't think you can do anything. I don't think either of us can. It's too late."

His heart constricted, but he forced the tears away. "So..."

Levi sighed; he was frustrated, but something laid underneath it. Grief, Eren thought.

"I think...I think it's time we go our separate ways, Eren."

All Eren wanted in that moment was to disappear into the wall he leaned against, to erase his existence completely. All the times he considered doing something permanent resurfaced. It felt like hell knowing Levi was giving up, knowing that he'd made Levi lose all hope in him. It felt like the past fifteen years of marriage was down the drain...

Somewhere within him, the part that still loved Levi more than the world, more than there were stars in the sky, more than was even imaginable, was fighting against the black cloud that he'd let take over him. But it was losing...

"Eren, god, please say something," Levi plead, his head in his hands. "Please..."

"If...that...will make you happy--"

"Ha!" Levi scoffed, throwing his hands up. "Happy. If you think getting a divorce from you is going to make me happy in any way, Eren, you are gravely mistaken."

Eren swallowed his impending tears. "Okay...then, if you think that's what would be best...I guess I'm in no position to argue."

Levi stilled, arms dropping to his sides as he scrutinized the other through stinging, narrow eyes. "Not an ounce of fight left..." he whispered, unsure Eren heard him. When he didn't react, though, he could only assume he hadn't.

"So I guess...we have to get it all ready now, huh? And tell Ch-Charlotte..."

Levi responded with nothing more than a small "yeah".

Telling Charlotte was twice as painful as the initial conversation. The next morning when she arrived home from spending the night at her aunt's with Peter, they broke the news. After Levi spilled the beans, they reminded her that they loved her and would do everything in their power to keep her healthy and happy, but as it stood, it wasn't enough.

"I can't believe that after everything, you guys are just going to give up!" she shouted before retreating up the stairs and locking herself in her room.

Papers. Phone calls. A lawyer. Social security numbers, more phone calls, more papers. Dates. Decisions. Another long, exhausting week, followed by another, all on top of Levi's work schedule. More long, lonely, cold nights. Even less sleep for Eren because his mind was preoccupied with built up stress.

Charlotte was away even more, escaping to Alex's, who was more than willing to take care of her during such a stressful time. She passed her final exams and spent most of her time over there now that summer vacation was underway.

"I want Charlotte to stay with you," Eren said to Levi one night as they sat, yet again, at the small kitchen table blanketed by an abundance of papers.

"I thought we were leaving that up to her," Levi mumbled, lifting his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose yet again.

"I know...but I...I'm just not s-stable enough mentally to...to take care of her. I know she'll go back and forth, but I think it would be better if she lived with you, especially because I'm going to go live with my mother for a while until...until I get myself...you know."

Levi's hand dropped. "Yeah. Okay." He took a sip of his tea, shaking his head a bit at the exhaustion running through his veins. "I can't keep the house, though. Not by myself. I can't afford everything."

"I understand."

Over the course of another week, conversation about the divorce was all that occurred between the two. Eren kept himself busy by packing his things and, little by little, moving them back to Carla's. She tried to console him, but when he spoke, he didn't say much.

It was only a week before the divorce was finalized and Eren, for one last night, decided to try and sleep in his bed. He wasn't completely moved over to his mom's yet and something within him was still clinging to that house, his daughter and his husband with bloodied fingers, not allowing him to be able to leave quite yet.

He stared up at the ceiling, at the popcorn texture he'd memorized weeks ago from staring at it so long. The room was silent; there wasn't even the soft ticking of a clock to keep him sane but only the ringing in his ears. He knew he should sleep, or at least try to, but nowadays sleep evaded him like the plague. Not only that, but something was nagging at the back of his mind, something growing louder by the minute, and he couldn't ignore the off feeling churning in his gut.

Frustrated, he sat up and ran a hand through his hair that'd grown too long again. He was so tired, and so tired of being tired. So he reverted to what he did when he couldn't sleep - pacing.

With a sigh, he pulled the bedroom door open and stepped out into the hallway, dark except for the dim nightlight in the bathroom leaking out onto the carpet. He headed toward the stairs, rubbing an eye, but stopped short when he heard the whimpering. He listened for a moment, straining his ears until he heard it again coming from behind the door to Levi's workroom, the room he'd been staying in.

Eren reacted immediately, whirling around and approaching the door, listening intently for the sound again before he softly knocked on the door. When there was no answer, just the sound of a muffled gasp, he twisted the knob and eased the door open.

From what he could see through the darkness, Levi wasn't on the bed and his small whimpers, gasps, and mumbles came from the right. Pushing the door open the rest of the way led Eren to find the other huddled up beside the bed in a tangle of limbs - his knees up, an arm wrapped around one while both of his hands were like vices in his hair, his muscles twitching a bit and his entire frame shaking endlessly. Though his face wasn't visible, it was clear he was crying and, scarily, seemingly having issues breathing properly.

"Levi?" Eren murmured, panic rising through him as he slowly made his way into the room. "Hey...Levi..."

The raven showed no signs of hearing him, so he sunk to his knees beside him, fearful and unsure of what to do. Somewhere amongst his mostly unintelligible mumbles and whimpers, Eren picked up the faintest sound of his name and his internal dam cracked and in a split second of forgetting the situation they were in, he reached for him, gently sliding a hand across his back and pulling him in. In his arms, Levi's body twitched and his hands loosened a little, but he made no other moves.

Trapped in a flashback.

"Sshhh, it's okay, Levi," murmured Eren, working on untangling his fingers from his hair and holding them against his own chest, hopeful that feeling the beating of his heart, Levi could pull himself out of it. It had only worked once before, but he was lost on what else to do. "I'm here, okay? I'm here..." He continued murmuring small reassurances as he gently rocked Levi back and forth, keeping his hands pressed to his chest.

"...Eren?" Levi managed in a shaky whisper as his shaking began to die down. His fingers curled slightly.

"I'm here," Eren assured him again. "It's okay. You're safe."

"Promise?" Levi choked out with a shudder, mildly taking Eren off guard.

"Yeah," he breathed. "Yeah. Promise." He continued rubbing Levi's shoulder as his trembling subsided, as his mind drifted back to reality. Flashbacks were extremely taxing on the man, and he knew it was only worse when he dealt with them alone. After everything, Eren wasn't about to abandon him, and he could only wonder how he'd get by once he was gone...

"Is...is it over?" Eren murmured once Levi was virtually still, though his breathing was still labored and a little jagged.

"Think so..."

"Good."

Eren was preparing himself to pull away when Levi's hand curled into a fist around the fabric of his shirt. "Eren..."

"Yeah?"

The raven's head lifted a bit, revealing a bit of his shiny skin in the dim moonlight filtering in through the thin curtains. "Thanks," he mumbled.

"Of course," the brunet responded without a thought, managing the tiniest of smiles.

Only then did Levi's hand withdraw from his chest and revert to running through his messy hair, his Adam's apple bobbing through a dry swallow and another shudder running the length of his body. Still, his opposite hand remained in Eren's, holding tightly, though it was almost as if he didn't fully realize he still held it.

"Do you think you can stand?" Eren asked softly.

"Mm...yeah, probably."

"C'mon, then." Eren pushed himself to his feet, leaning over and using the hand he still held to help Levi up as well. Almost as soon as he was up, though, he sank right back down onto the edge of the bed like his legs were only capable of holding him up for a moment, and he let out another shaky breath.

"I'm...gonna go get you some water," Eren said, turning to head for the door. But Levi didn't release his hand and even tugged him back weakly.

"No, Eren...just..." He swallowed again, his glass-like eyes almost pleading as they lifted up to the other's. "Please just stay with me," he half-whispered. The way his voice was laced with absolute desperation brought Eren back and had him sitting down right next to him.

"Okay," he said. "Have you been taking your medication?" he murmured after a moment.

"...yeah," Levi mumbled. Eren couldn't be sure if he was telling the truth, but in this state, he could only take his word for it. From past experiences, he knew the medication helped immensely, but there were times when something always slipped through the cracks.

"Okay," Eren said again.

Levi's next actions only served to tip Eren off as to how bad this really was; he seemed to crumple in on himself, curling towards Eren and pressing his face into his shoulder, almost exactly the way he used to bury it in the side of his neck, the way Eren missed so much...

And Eren couldn't help but slide his arms back around him, feeling a set of fingers curling into a fist atop his thigh. Wetness soaked into his shirt.

"Do you wanna talk about it, lo-...Levi?"

Levi sucked in yet another struggled gust of air as if he was mustering up the courage to form the words. "It...was you," he whispered brokenly. "It was everyone who's left me and the moment it happened...my mother and Isabel on those tables, Farlan being arrested, Hanji dead on the floor, Kenny disappearing...even Alex resolving never to forgive me..." His hand lifted to the side of his face not covered by Eren's shoulder. "And then it was you...and every time I hurt you. Every time I saw you were in pain because of me. Every. Single. Time. Even times I don't consciously remember..." His voice cracked, and Eren felt something stir up inside of him, something that had been dormant for months now.

"It's okay, Levi," he said, but Levi was already shaking his head.

"No, Eren. No...it's not."

Eren could do nothing but hold Levi just a little tighter and remain silent. Several long minutes passed. Eventually, Levi's hand dropped from his face but he never showed a sign of moving away and in the end was the one to break the silence.

"Would it be vain of me...to ask you to stay with me?"

"No," answered Eren automatically. "I will...if that's what you really want."

"Yes...please."

So, without letting go of Levi, Eren maneuvered them to the head of the bed with Levi curled up at his side, head on his shoulder and breathing still labored.

"Do you need your inhaler?" Eren found himself questioning.

"No," Levi breathed.

"Okay."

After that, it was silent for the rest of the night. And for just that tiny, finite bubble of time, in spite of the room and bed he'd never slept in and the past five, almost six months of depression and seemingly growing apart from the man he loved, things almost felt like they had back then.