Gay porn is both a revelation and a nightmare. Edwin has never consumed porn like it was food. His parents bought their first computer when he was already married and installed it in the living room. It was more for show than actual use; his parents were as inept at technology as he feels about the speed train of current developments. They had no need or desire to learn either, and they've only tried to catch up in recent years.

Thus he never watched porn at home in his teens, but his friends were a rowdy bunch and they shared magazines and gathered around Daniel's TV whenever his parents weren't home, which was quite often. They'd jest and comment on the ridiculous acting, the bad lighting, the grainy images, and then be equally enraptured by close-ups of boobs and thighs and arses. Edwin never understood why they went silent and shuffled closer to the screen during those parts. Those weren't terrible but far from fascinating, as they made it seem. Edwin recalls plenty of thighs and arses, but they belonged to muscular men.

It's so clear now he likes men, and all the more a mystery why he did not realise earlier. Are you that dense? Sandra might be right that he's dense as a rock and he built a wall with his own hands. If it's painful to demolish it now with a jackhammer, only he is to blame.

When he looks up gay porn, it's a first in more ways than one. He never watched porn on his own, and then he asked Ellen out and the thought alone made him uncomfortable. Now he's alone in his apartment, but he still wants to check if nobody's looking over his shoulder. He hates a little that he's even here, browser open and ready to type something in the search bar. He didn't need straight porn, so why does he need gay porn? He might be homosexual, but he's not sex-crazed.

And yet, he can't help it. He wants to see, wants to know, wants to assure himself that this is what he wants. He can't enter that bar tomorrow as a virgin in all the ways that matter to him. So he searches for 'gay porn' and he clicks on the first link, the first video. It's nothing scandalous, but he freezes, staring at the naked bodies and hearing the moans blasting way too loud from his laptop. He can't exit his browser fast enough.

The second time is the day after the bar, and he feels more secure and sure of his choices. The volume is down to 15% and he combs through search results for a video that interests him, a hidden gem. Some titles and thumbnails are so outrageous he reads them twice before wishing he had never seen them, some videos are more comical than sexy, but it's out there, the good stuff.

At first, he only watches short videos, at most one a day in the evening, when he's home from work and lounging around an empty apartment with so many possibilities he doesn't know what to do with them. Most of them, he could do with Ellen too, but the air is too thin and he is more naked than he's ever been when there was another person present, if not in body, then in objects and habits. Ellen liked sports, but only when she was doing it; now he could watch without any compromise. He could read, he could practise on his saxophone, ...

All those things take root in his new routine, but after the bar, so does porn. He finishes the whole video and the tension that crept up during the initial steps bleeds from his muscles. Nobody looks over his shoulder. He does it again a few days later, and then again, and each time resolves some of the stiffness in his arms, his back, his neck. One day, he never has the urge to check if he's alone and he rubs not over his pants, but in his pants. After that, he notices a spring in his step and he realises the shame that festered under his skin has welled up and the wound is clean.

***

Edwin downloads Grindr in a dead moment. Not out of boredom, exactly, or as an impulsive decision; those only push him over the edge. He contemplated this for several days in showers or in bed. The weight of it drifts down slowly, never settling and keeping him on the edge of comfort. Porn is one thing; straight people do it too. It's normal. Even the bar was safe; he could have been the straight friend, he didn't flirt. Grindr implies he's looking for other men.

He's not. Not yet, anyway. Grindr is a step away from the past and a step closer to the sunlight, where he can't hide in the shadows. During his marriage, he never once thought about sleeping with someone else. Loyalty in mind and actions was like a river that had ingrained its course, cutting and deepening a groove in the soil and rocks, until the banks were high up and the river deep down, only ever running between those walls and never seeking another path. But the slopes have become less steep and the rocks more brittle and the river has swollen with rain and changed its course. It will improve the landscape, but Edwin feels like a twig in the current, not steering where he goes but floating along, almost drowning and waiting to snap on a rock in the stream.

Edwin is out of his depth when setting up his profile. He uses a picture Ellen took of him when they were in the Cinque Terre last year – worlds away now and he's still drifting. He's fully clothed, a little scruffy and red from the sun. The landscape is more picturesque than him. His answers to the questions are both honest and vague, but he pauses at the one about sexual preference. Top, bottom, versatile? He doesn't know. 'Inexperienced but willing to test out what he likes' is not an option. He skips the question. He only wants to look anyway; he's not looking.

Up to then, it's still okay, but when he comes to "tribes", he's stupefied. Out of his depth, tongue-tied, ... That's an actual thing? He knows what a daddy is, of course, but others are far more ... exotic. If he has to know this type of thing, how will he ever belong? Maybe it's not worth it. He skips the question.

Browsing through profiles is also an experience, but it comes closer to a garden with forbidden fruits. Edwin allows himself to admire the muscles and chests and jawlines and hair and legs and eyes of half-naked people. He's not interested in fully naked men; that's why he has porn. This is just to look and explore without the distraction sex and moving bodies can be. (He could pause videos, but nothing is more awkward than a still image from a sex scene, and not in the nice, artistic way.)

He's almost disappointed there seems to be no common feature among the men whose looks he likes. The youngest are in their late 20s, the oldest in their 60s, they have a variety of skin colours, or hair, or eyes. They're not all muscled, or hairy. There's no "tribe" – he hates that word; are they cavemen? A species to be classified? – that's his type. All of them are perfect, tasty eye candy. He wonders who he'd message if he wanted to hook up because he's not about to have sex with some of these men, no matter how gorgeous they are. They're too young, or too confident, or too inconsiderate – shallow to say based on a picture, but important if he wants to experiment. There's two types of them: the cocky, muscled, could-be-actors-or-models guys, and the guys with make-up, and the ... pose that just screams "gay". No, he's staying clear of those. Not risking it.

Edwin didn't answer any of the hook-up questions, but he still got a few messages while he was scrolling. He's somewhere between scandalised and not surprised the first one is a dick pic. Even he knows Grindr's reputation. There's another dick pic too, but neither of them gets a second glance. Someone else is a little less presumptuous and has only sent a picture of their chest. It's a nice chest, Edwin admits, but why do any of them think a picture will pique his interest? Even if he wanted something right now, he wouldn't pick a man based on their dick. If you're meeting up with a stranger, small talk is the least you do to make sure you're safe.

The other messages are variations of "hey". Better than the pictures, but not worth the effort at the moment. He can make friends later, and he's sure half of them are not looking for "just friends". Except one of the messages has a follow up: "You look like you're more interested in friends than in sex." And then: "Where was your profile pic taken? Greece?"

***

This chapter's recommendations:

The Uninvited Princess by JJJ000YYY. "A naive young princess gets banished to a tower, and is inadvertently trapped with a wizard. Now, she must navigate through a world full of magic while the fury of the king looms over her." I'm in love with the world-building and the pacing and style make for a pageturner!

Factory Reset by astrophile. "With only a name and vague memories she can't decipher in her mind, Aura must uncover the truth about who she is and why she can't leave The Sanctuary." An intriguing and riveting premise!