"Bonjour, bitches," Lafayette said, sliding across the grass to the group. Everyone laughed loudly as Laf sat up. John, who had been sitting against the school, looked up at the sound of Alex's distinctive laughter. He smiled at him, glancing back down at his sketchbook. Lafayette went over to John. "What are you drawing, mon ami?" He asked.

John blushed, showing Lafayette the drawing. It was a semi-realistic drawing of Alex laughing. "Since when do you draw your friends?" Lafayette stated in disbelief. John shrugged, closing his sketchbook.

Lafayette knew that John didn't draw people without a reason. It was Eliza when he needed to relax, his mother when he was upset. At one point, Lafayette was the subject of many of John's drawings. Lafayette sleeping, or smiling, or crying, or reading, or laughing. Lafayette had been everything that was important to John. The subject of all of his feelings. But then Lafayette ruined everything.

He had an addiction, he knew that. Sex became all that mattered to him. He pushed John to do things before he was ready, not caring about how he felt. John did it anyway, whatever he could to keep Lafayette with him. John had convinced himself that he couldn't live without Lafayette, and Laf took advantage of that.

John used to look at Lafayette the way he now looked at Alex. But Lafayette knew that John had never trusted anyone again. He didn't let himself love anyone the way he'd loved Lafayette. Lafayette's eyebrows furrowed at the thick scar peeking out of John's sweater sleeve. He knew it was his fault. He wanted to make it right.

-

John was sitting in his room, sketching his turtle out of boredom, when he got a text.

Laf: hello

John texted him back immediately, glad to have something to do.

John: hey what's up

Laf: look, I noticed how you look at Alex. Do you like him?

John: dude, no.

Laf: mon ami, you can't lie to me. You drew him.

John: and?

Laf: you never draw any of us unless we pay you to.

John: dude, enough. I don't like him.

Laf: is that true? Or are you just lying to yourself because you don't want to date again. I get it, we had a toxic relationship, and we were really bad for each other. But you need to get yourself back out there. Not every relationship will end up like ours... it's alright to have feelings for someone, you know.

John looked up, thinking about it for a moment before texting Laf back.

John: alright, I like him... but you have to promise you won't tell anyone...

Laf: it's like you've never met me. Of course, mon ami.

John: and that also means you can't try to force us to get together. Idk if Alex is even gay or bi or whatever.

Laf: that one will be a little harder to keep, but I will try my best. I need to go. Have a good day.

John laughed, sending a quick goodbye and setting his phone back down. His smile faded as he remembered his and Laf's history.

The relationship hadn't started out bad. It wasn't great, either, but they both genuinely cared about each other. Laf had been the first—and only—guy John had dated since figuring out he was gay. It was slow and gentle at first, pecks on the lips and holding hands, but then it started to be more and more about sex. Eventually, that was most of the relationship, with empty "I love you's" and sneaking into the other's house late at night. Then, when Lafayette finally realized he needed to get out, John snapped, using his depression to trap Lafayette in the relationship. Threats of self-harm and suicide were used every time Lafayette tried to break up, until eventually, he left anyways. That night, John had tried to kill himself, hands shaking as he dug the blade deep into his wrists. After realizing what he'd done, he panicked, phoning the first person who'd come to mind. That had been Lafayette.

"I did it... Lafayette please I'm sorry for what I did to you. I need your help, please," he'd begged. Lafayette had hung up. John, thinking that Lafayette didn't care, curled up on the floor, crying as he waited to die. He was starting to feel lightheaded when Laf burst through the door, still having a spare key to John's apartment.

"non, non, John, continuez à vivre, je suis tellement désolé. Oh mon dieu, qu'ai-je fait?" He'd cried, carrying him to his car. When John had woken up, he was in a hospital, his mother sobbing by the window, and Lafayette praying in French as he held his hand.

"I thought you didn't care," John had rasped.

"We didn't work, you and I both know that," Lafayette had replied, "but that won't change the fact that I care about you John. I still want to be your friend. I'm sorry..."

John smiled sadly. He regretted what he'd done to Lafayette, and he was terrified of doing it again. That was why he'd ignored how he felt about Alex for so long.

-

"Eliza, could I talk to you for a second?" Angelica asked as the two helped to clear up after dinner. Eliza nodded, following Angelica up the stairs and into her room.

"What's up, Angelica?" She asked, closing the door behind her.

Angelica took a breath. "It's about Alex. I've noticed that you've been talking to him a lot. How do you feel about him?" She asked.

Eliza blushed. "Um- I-I don't know," she admitted, "he's nice, but I really don't know much about him... I guess I kinda like him?"

Angelica smiled, a concerned look in her eye. "I know I can't force you to do anything, but I just feel like there's something off about him. Something gives me a bad feeling... I'm okay with you and him..." she trailed off, not quite sure how to put it. "But you just need to promise me you'll be careful. Guys like him are like fire; if you get too close, you'll get hurt."

Eliza nodded, pulling her sister into a hug. "Thanks for looking out for me," she said.

"I'm never not going to," Angelica replied, smiling.

-

Eliza laid on her bed, scrolling through Instagram. Once again she found herself on Alex's account. His bio was simple, 'amateur poet and photographer'. Eliza scrolled down, looking through the few pictures he'd posted. The first was a picture from a plane without a caption. The second, a simple picture of a flower, coated in frost and dying, its deep violet petals showing through the translucent sheet of ice. This one had a caption: "the most beautiful things are temporary". It was a bit melancholy for Eliza's taste, but she could see where he was coming from. The latest picture was a selfie with the whole group. Hercules had his arm slung over Lafayette's shoulders, and Laf was smiling at the stone faced Thomas. James sat near Angelica and behind Thomas, trying to hide his face from the camera. Angelica sat behind Eliza, arms linked with Peggy. Eliza sat next to Alex, who was looking at the camera with a confident smirk. John sat on the other side of Alex with a shy smile, hair falling in his face. Eliza smiled at the photo. She didn't know why she felt so drawn to Alex, but she did. Suddenly, her phone started ringing and she jumped, almost tossing the device across the room. She answered it. "Hey, John, what's up?" She asked.

"Not much," he replied, "I was bored and wanted someone to talk to. Anything going on with you?" He asked.

Eliza's first thought was Alex, and she blushed. Normally, she wouldn't tell people about how she felt until she was more sure, but this was John. She couldn't very well hide this from her best friend. She took a deep breath. "Okay, there is something, but you have to swear you won't tell anyone." She began.

John laughed. "Depends on what kind of juicy gossip you're about to spill," he replied jokingly.

"The juiciest," Eliza replied with a smile.

"Oo girl, spill," John demanded, putting on a stereotypical 'gay guy' voice.

The two laughed. Eliza stopped suddenly. "But seriously, you promise?"

"'Course," John stated.

Eliza took a breath. "Okay... I think..." she paused, second guessing herself.

"You think..." John prompted, awaiting her replied. She stayed silent for a moment longer. "Eliza you're doing the thing," John said.

"Sorry, sorry..." she mumbled, "I think I might, and you have to promise you won't laugh, I think I might like Alex..."

John was silent for a moment. He didn't know what to say. Here he was, having phoned his best friend to tell her he had a crush on the boy next door, only to have her tell him the same thing. He forced a smile, even though Eliza couldn't see him. "Oh my god, really?" He asked.

"Mhmm," Eliza replied nervously.

"That is so cute! I think you two would make a great couple..." he lied, forcing himself to sound cheerful. She was too distracted to notice.

"I'm glad you think so, John..." she said.

-

"You don't even care!" John's mother shouted. John laid in bed listening to his parents scream at each other. "What if he ended it tomorrow? What would you do?" She was on the verge of tears, he could tell.

"Eleanor, enough. All he needs is to learn to toughen up. We can't afford some stupid therapist who's gonna prescribe him three hundred dollar medication for a made up condition!" His father replied matter-of-factly.

"He needs help, Henry! We don't know how to deal with this! And neither of you have been the same since you threw him out last year! Do you even give a damn what happens to him?" Eleanor shouted back.

"Don't you bring that up!" Henry screamed, "I know damn well what I did was wrong! He's my son, of course I care what happens!" There was a loud crash, followed by silence.

"Then act like it, or don't come back until you do," John's mother commanded, voice low and shaky. There was the loud thudding of footsteps, followed by a slamming door. John bit his lip, trying to hold back tears as his mother sobbed outside. Suddenly, his phone buzzed.

Alex: you good?

John: you heard that, did you?

Alex: kinda hard not to... you can come over if you wanna get out of there for a while...

John: alright... but I'm gonna make sure my mom is okay first...

Alex: no problem, see you in a bit.

John smiled, getting up and slowly opening the door. His mother was sitting on the floor next to a chair that had been knocked over, her head in her hands as she sobbed. "Mom?" He asked tentatively.

She jumped up, brushing tears away. "Honey... I'm so sorry you had to hear that... are you alright?"

John forced a smile. "I'm fine... are you?"

His mother smiled. "I'll be fine, thank you... I think I'm going to go to bed..." she replied, turning toward the bedroom she and John's father shared.

John waited for a while, just to make sure, before heading out the front door. He knocked on Alex's door softly. Alex opened it quickly, a concerned look on his face.

"Hey..." John mumbled, forcing his voice to stay steady. It suddenly hit him just how much he was feeling in that moment.

"John, come in," Alex said, stepping aside. Alex's apartment was a mirror of his own, but much messier. Dishes were piled high in the sink and mismatched furniture was spread out sparsely around the apartment. Alex sat on the couch, motioning for John to do the same. He curled up on the other end of the small, worn out couch, reaching for the sharpie he always kept in the pocket of his sweater. That was when he realized he'd forgotten to bring his sweater. He crossed his arms in an attempt to hide them from Alex.

"No need to sit so far away, John," Alex began, "I don't bite." He held out his arms, offering a hug.

John's walls crumbled, and he threw himself into Alex's arms. The sobs were loud and painful, forcing their way up his throat as be buried his face in Alex's shoulder. Alex rubbed his back, humming softly until John calmed down. "You wanna talk about it?" Alex asked.

John sat up, nodding as he wiped a tear away. He took a deep breath. "I guess it kind of started sometime last year. I... came out to my parents, and my dad threw me out. I stayed at Eliza's for two weeks before he finally let me come back... but it was different... he was a lot colder to me and my mom after I came back. He's never hurt us, but I'm always sort of afraid he might..."

"I'm sorry to hear that..." Alex began, "my family life wasn't the greatest either, so, I guess I kinda understand what you're going through," he added. He pulled John into a hug. Then, Alex pulled back, brushing a tear off of John's cheek. He kept his hand there, pulling him closer. Their lips met and John's eyes went wide. Thoughts were flashing through his head faster than he could comprehend them. Suddenly, his mind landed on Eliza. How she laughed at everything Alex said, how she studied him so intently, how she looked at him with so much longing in her eyes, and he pushed away. Alex's brow furrowed. "What's wrong?" He asked.

John was shaking. He folded his arms across his chest, moving away from Alex. "I can't do this..."

The light drained out of Alex's eyes. "I understand..." he mumbled.

John got up quickly. "I should go..." he mumbled, turning towards the door. He didn't even glance back at Alex, keeping his eyes trained on the floor as he headed back to his apartment. Alex just stared at the door, wondering if he'd just ruined his first friendship.

A/N IM BACK BITCHESSSSS
Once again, really sorry for the long wait. My excuses are: the stress of starting high school (that's true), writers block (that's a lie, I have an outline of the entire plot, so I can refer to that when I don't know what to write), and the fact that I kinda fell out of the Hamilton fandom for a little while. But I'm back now.